"The Ballad of Sam Bultch" (Patreon)

Hey lovely patrons!Another musical episode, another banger from Dr. Samuel Bultch, D.D.S., the second-greatest lyricist/dentist ever to grow up on Long Island. Enjoy!The Ballad of Sam BultchMusic by Stephen SondheimLyrics by Dr. Samuel Bultch D.D.S.

Balladeer:Sam BultchDentist ManBorn in the middle of Long IslandDrove in his shotAnd old-ass sedanTo the Pan-American Airlines TheaterIn Old New YorkIn Old New York

Saw all of a suddenHis lyrics blewSaid Time’s a wastin’It’s ‘92!If I can’t hack itHere’s what I’ll doI’ll ask Sondheim!

On the Great White WayHe’ll produce a playThat’s ahead of its time.

Announcer:Single line, ladies and gentlemen!Single line to meet the god-king of the Great White WayLine forms here to shake hands with Stephen J. Sondheim!

Balladeer:Sam BultchLyricistTen years of failureHad made him pissedBrought him a weatheredAnd well-worn listTo the heart of ManhattanBy the Times Square lightsAt the Pan-American Airlines TheatreIn Old New YorkIn Old New York

Saw Steven Sondheim thereIn the breezeHeard Steven Sondheim say“I like beesI’ll write a musical about those beesWith razzmatazzYes, I’ll write that showBut I’ve got to knowHow you feel about jazz?”

Fairgoers:Sondheim!

Balladeer:Gave ‘em a rhyme.

Fairgoers:Sondheim!

Balladeer:In 9/20 time!

Fairgoers:Sondheim!

Balladeer:Must be sublimeTo be in your prime like-

All:Sondheim!

Horny Fairgoer:Doesn’t Sondheim look marvelous?So beardedAnd Zaddy!

Gossipy Fairgoer:Have you heard what his next musical will be about?He literally just said it: bees!

Boisterous Fairgoer:I hear in his spare time, he enjoys collecting twinks!

The Worst Child:Wanna sip?

Bultch:It’ll rot your teeth, kid.

Balladeer:Sam BultchSaddest GuySaid he would make itOr he would dieYes, and he thought he’d give it a try:

In the heart of ManhattanBy the Times Square lightsNear the shiny Dave and Buster’sAnd the old GristedesAt the Great Pan-American Airlines TheaterIn Old New YorkIn Old New York

Wrapped him a rubber bandRound his scoreSaid this’ll surelyGet me in the door! They haven’t seen a showLike this beforeAnd that’s a crimeA musical that’s entirely sung in mime!And filled with slime!

On the Great White WayYou can have your sayAs long as SteveGives the okayYou’ve been given the freedomTo write a playThat’s ahead of its time.

Sondheim:I’ll do it!

Bultch:SAM BULTCH!

Balladeer:That’s ahead of its time!