//DROWNING// (Patreon)

Sometimes...

Sometimes words aren't enough. I constantly feel like I'm joking. I'm sure some of you have noticed in my streams I've been talking with TTS. Its cause I've lost my voice. not actually losing it, but I've been shut down time and time again that I just... lost the will to speak. What's the point of trying to talk if I'm always wrong, if I'm being dramatic or everything I say is always a lie to someone.

I've given up...

Every time I think I'm pulling myself out of this sea of blood I'm just pulled back, as if those that are pulling me down to die are saving me from the suffocating surface. I'm drowning out of water. I constantly feel like I'm shackled by my own mind. I hate feeling like I'm walking on a tight-wire covered in barbed wire over and abyss and I have no one there to make sure that if I call I'm safe, I'm secure, I'm not sitting there broken and falling apart.

Depression is something I've been fighting all my life. its my best friend one second, and my worst enemy the next. I find comfort in the place that's ripping my heart out cause outside of that I have no one to mend me back together.

I'm so scared of being a bother that I even hold my own breath thinking I'm breathing too loud. I hate messaging people cause I constantly feel like I'll say something wrong. I've lost so much that its so hard to hold on to something and if I fall again, I know I'm just going to let myself sink, cause if no one is here it must mean they've given up on me too...

or maybe... they were never there to begin with...