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Chiaroscuro II (Patreon)

Published:
2015-08-18 21:23:27
Imported:
2026-10

Content

I'm so sorry this took so long to get out! But here it is! And bonus content will start in a day or so, since this time I at least wrote the commentary as I was doing the chapter. So far we still haven't deviated from the draft very much still; overall this rewrite is a lot closer to the original than what happened with Tenebrism, which basically just needed an entire new foundation. Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

Chiaroscuro II

Files

Comments

lonealien

I really liked that you introduced Rysa's background earlier in the story, as well as Alan's. I also like that you made Keyd's actions more consistent and sympathetic; the interactions between him and Alan feel a lot more genuine and logical. I'm interested to see how it all plays out.

Teromain

Yeah, I definitely am trying to do a smoother introduction of information and stretched out over more time, so it's not huge info dumps or long chunks of learning nothing new about anyone. Rysa background was introduced around the same time in the draft but there was much less general information about it, it was pretty vague. Also Alan was not as inquisitive about things in the draft, so he wasn't asking these questions.

Teromain

Aaaaand I hit enter before I finished writing the comment whoops.

Teromain

Oh my god I did it again; Patreon must have changed how they do their comment system jeeez. ANYWAY I was going to add that Alan and Keyd's interactions are definitely different now but I think a lot more fitting; the conflict between them in the drafts was kind of high-school-esque drama and not really fitting with Keyd being so private, even if he is 'socially' a teenager in his culture he's more mature than that. And Alan's slightly more mature than presented in the draft too, though both of them definitely grow up a lot through the series. :)

Potatoe

I'm having so much fun reading the start of all of this stuff all over again, new and improved!

Teromain

I'm glad you are! I'm glad to HAVE it new and improved too! :D

Kevin Wotipka

This flows much better than the old version, and I like that Alan is handling it in a more grown-up way.

Teromain

Yeah that's definitely what I was aiming for, better flow. Also less high school type drama because the draft had some of that going on and it didn't really fit :)

W0llen

I agree with what everyone else have already said. It felt as though there was less distance between Alan and us, too. What he felt seemed more immediate, if it makes any sense. When Alan told Keyd to use his words, I found myself thinking "For God's sake, yes, do it already!"- which was also kind of funny. Great chapter! :)

Teromain

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I'm glad Alan feels more present and immediate; the draft was kind of drama-y but it seemed much more obvious that there was no need for most of it; now the whole situation is more unsure plus they're moving more slowly, so I think it does actually read like a truer conflict and Alan's emotions about it are more relevant. Keyd eventually learns how to use his words...it takes him like four books, but he does. :D

W0llen

Yes, looking back on the first draft you published online, you're definitely right, the conflict does deem truer than before. And I hope I won't spoil anyone by typing this (if you don't want to be possibly spoiled, don't read this comment further than this please), but the current set-up for Keyd's feelings for a certain person is way more credible. It felt like it came out of nowhere in the first draft, even though there were a few clues. (I probably missed them, though)

Teromain

For sure, the drafts were definitely /drafts/, and while all the content was there I did write them in a really short amount of time (it was eight weeks for Tenebrism, a few months each for Chiaroscuro and Nocturne!) and while I knew what I wanted it didn't really fall into place the way it should have. And I wrote them 5-6 years ago haha. Now I really know when to introduce things and how to do it more smoothly and subtly so that things don't just come out of nowhere, because definitely a lot did in the draft. :)

A. Mori

I did try to comment on this a few days ago, but Patreon wasn't cooperating. Anywho, I just wanted to say that I really like the way you're incorporating bits of backstory and plot elements into the story much earlier. It's fun to be able to make the connections with events which happen later in the series and go, "oh hey I know what he/she is referring to, or why they reacted in that particular way."

Teromain

Thank you! I think the pacing is definitely going better this time around; too much stuff either came out of nowhere or was too subtle in the drafts (or just wasn't there at all). And for sure anybody who's read it before has some extra knowledge of what these early things mean. :)