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Obscura I (Patreon)

Published:
2015-11-07 05:01:33
Imported:
2026-10

Content

Obscura I

So everybody knows I was having SERIOUS trouble with this chapter and I even cut it in half, because despite the fact I feel this part is too slow-paced, I made it even longer. It'll probably get more changes before it goes anywhere public, but right now, this is what I have.  Honestly, feedback about it would be really nice. Basically I want to ground Keyd in his own world/problems before throwing him into Earth like the first original chapter of his POV started out, because it will just make more sense overall, but I feel like the first version was better in the 'hook' sense because it started out with action...but totally out of context action. Ugh anyway it's been  real hard to do JUST this beginning part, and I want to post it so I can focus on the other stuff I have planned for this month.

This is also not in the same series as Light and Shadow; that's specifically Alan's story. This series (planned to be just three books) is called King and Lionheart.

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Comments

Potatoe

I enjoyed this a lot! I think you did a great job of making it interesting, although I admit that much of my interest came from seeing more background about characters I was already interested in. You might need feedback from people who haven't read anything else in the series to see if it hooks people with no prior investment. But yes, I did like it. I especially liked seeing Keyd interact with other familiar characters, especially Darban and Kir. Also his dad, and comparing Keyd's view of him and interactions with him with what we know of his true feelings and intentions.

Teromain

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I figure a majority of people are probably going to have read L&S or at least the first book, so some of the worldbuilding seems repetitive since a lot of the terms and things have been completely established there already and here they're being reexplained, albeit by someone who is from the society and not just bumbling into it. I REALLY wanted to get an interaction with his dad in here (that's like..60% of why I wanted to pull the story back to an earlier point), especially since to people familiar with the series it comes off as kind of sad how badly they misunderstand each other even in one small scene, but looks like generic dad-issues at the moment without that knowledge. Also wanted to show his various relationships with people who are NOT Rysa and how awkward or at-odds he is with most everybody, and how pretty dependent he is on Rysa as his only support and how that will spread onto Alan later on too (and that's it's not particularly healthy). I guess it's a lot more interpersonal drama than I'm used to with this series, so it feels slow here for that reason. Even though next chapter is ACTION TIMES + Ahieel.

Potatoe

Though a lot of background stuff was communicated, I didn't really feel like the story was slowing down to explain things that had already been explained elsewhere. I mean, really that's an ideal way of writing even for things that haven't been established already. For me, repetitiveness wasn't a problem here at all, and I honestly don't have a huge attention span so it's probably fine.

lonealien

I really liked it. It was neat to see his mindset and relationships prior to the L&S story. I like that you got a sense of his alienation, but it wasn't too depressing or angsty. I didn't find it slow, but I could see how it might be slow or confusing to readers unfamiliar with the L&S series.

Teromain

I'm glad it doesn't come across as too angsty since Keyd definitely hates feeling sorry for himself, so he might talk about how his situation is upsetting him and why it is, but more factual than whining (hopefully). His POV will definitely read differently to people who are already familiar with the series vs people who aren't, so I was kind of trying to straddle a balance between explaining too much and explaining too little. Since most people have read it (especially here) I went for a little less info-dumping.

Teromain

Yeah, that's good if it feels like there's info coming across but the story isn't just stopping to dump it everywhere. I did opt for the less-explanation version since Keyd is familiar with this stuff and wouldn't really /be/ explaining most of it because he knows it already. But enough that it's not like "....what is happening"

Kevin Wotipka

Good to see you decided to keep it. :)

Teromain

I'm not going to look at it for a while, then come back and see if I still want to change it or if it's actually okay and I was just really sick of fighting with it :)

A. Mori

I went back and read the old version of this chapter for comparison, and I agree they're definitely effective in very different ways. However, I really like the way this version gives us some backstory for Keyd and establishes the current situation and circumstances in his own world first. This way we can start to relate to him a lot earlier, and therefore empathise with him more when he suddenly finds himself stuck on Earth. Also, for those of us who've read L&S, it already begins to give us a lot more insight into why he reacts and behaves in certain ways throughout that series, and it's nice to compare how he interacts with and thinks of the various familiar characters at this early stage. I was particularly happy to see Kir and Darban make an appearance, as I've missed them in recent chapters of Skiagraphia. :)

Teromain

Yeah, those things you mentioned are pretty much all the reasons I wanted to pull back just a little in his timeline - establish him in his own world before putting him somewhere he's not comfortable with - although he's alienated in his own culture, he knows how to deal with it and how it works, which is not how he is on Earth most of the time - and also his relationships with a few characters (even ones not 'on screen', like Eldronrhet) and generally what kind of mindset he goes into the events of L&S with , which obviously affects how he behaves during that, such as being reluctant to go back immediately. The next chapter does start with action immediately, and I keep thinking I should start it there instead, but then a lot of conversations (esp. with his dad) wouldn't occur and I feel those are pretty important