What you are about to see is not a news broadcast (Patreon)

Fall is falling, and a woman's fancy turns lightly to thoughts of Unsolved Mysteries.  I (Sarah) have been watching the show from the beginning, and in case you didn't have the pleasure of a childhood glued to basic cable, it goes something like this: the world is a strange and dangerous place, full of psychics and cryptids and something the opening credits call SCI-MED. People vanish, and people can also be found--with the help of you, the viewer. In the words of longtime host Robert Stack: "Join me. You may be able to help solve a mystery."

The show began airing in the late 80s, and is about as old as I am. Its theme music, by composer Gary Malkin, perfectly encapsulates, for me, the feeling of being alone in the house on a summer afternoon, scaring yourself witless in broad daylight. And lately, as I work on projects--including upcoming episodes of this podcast--that try to make sense of what it does to you to grow up on true crime in America, I keep returning to those apparently wasted hours of my childhood. 

Why--as humans, and maybe especially as Americans--do we love these stories? Why do we try to scare ourselves? 

I can't speak for you, but maybe I can for me: Because the scarier the world is, the stronger the forces for good must be when they can solve a mystery. Because we might be that force for good and not even know it yet, and that's why we have to keep watching. Because talking about people who disappeared is better than talking about people who died. And because I would look good in a trench coat like Robert Stack's, dang it, and I've secretly known it for the last twenty years.

Anyway, as I've been rewatching this series--because there sure is a lot of new, great TV for me to keep avoiding--I've been writing down some of Stack's opening narrations, because they are generally creepy and often haunting and sometimes--sometimes--extremely funny. When you do a research project you end up with all kind of bits and pieces that you have nothing to do with, except reading them to the person who's sitting across the table. Or sharing them with you.

Here are my favorites so far. Read them to yourself in a suspenseful, stentorian voice for maximum effect:

1928, Glen and Bessie Hyde vanished on a Grand Canyon River trip. Fifty years later, a secret skeleton is found.

At an inn near Philadelphia, the head waitress sees a Revolutionary War soldier on the main staircase.

Last May, two boys found a rock carved with mysterious symbols. Suddenly a phenomenal run of good luck began. They believe the rock has special powers.

In New Mexico, a Catholic priest was lured to an isolated truckstop and abducted. In Montana, another priest mysteriously vanished. Authorities fear a priest killer may be on the loose.

In 1970, Clarence Roberts was found dead in a fire. Or was he? Ten years later, another fire killed his wife. In the rubble, Clarence Roberts was found for the second time. How could a man die twice?

In Central Florida, a clumsy robber has successfully held up 30 banks. The police call him “Fumbles.” He is still at large.

If you could solve any mystery, what would it be?

(You already know my answer. I gotta find Fumbles.)

Love,

Sarah