The Cleaning Lady (Patreon)

Summary: Neneng left the comfort of her family in the Philippines to chase the American dream as a domestic helper to a wealthy old woman. She had big dreams of starting businesses and sending her children to a nice college, but in a stroke of bad luck, her client shortly dies. Left in heavy debt and too ashamed to go home, she finds herself in the employ of a rather unsavory character...

Author's Note: I wrote this last year as my creative writing thesis so I could graduate college. There's a lot of things I'd change now (like the clunky opening, some of the dialogue, etc), but at the moment, I think this is still something that has merit and deserving of our archive. I still love it, and when I'm a better writer, I'll definitely touch it again.

Warning: Graphic depictions of sex and violence

I.

Neneng was out of a job.

She should’ve been preparing for her client to die, but the job was so lucrative that she hoped, foolishly in retrospect, that it would last until her eldest graduated high school. Linda was pushing ninety, though. The more she aged, the more complicated her needs became. Dr Smith gave Neneng all sorts of vitamins and regimens to help her fight off symptoms of dementia, organ failure, joint pain, and high blood pressure, but they both knew they were just delaying the inevitable.

It was a heart attack that took her. 

Neneng didn’t expect it, but she had a suspicion Linda did. The day before her death, Linda locked herself in her study and went through her old photo albums. When she finally emerged from her room that evening, she squeezed Neneng’s hand and asked her to make calamari for lunch tomorrow. It was her favorite as a child. Her family used to live next to the ocean, so seafood was cheap and abundant. Calamari brought back precious memories of seagulls squawking in the air as she licked off breading from her fingers. Neneng recalled that Dr Smith warned her against giving Linda sodium, but she found it hard to turn down the elderly woman’s request. 

She never got to make that calamari for her. When she got back from the farmer’s market, she was greeted by a trail of ants and a pool of orange juice leading her to Linda’s cold corpse. Her face was planted on the table, her usually neatly kept bun was limp at the side. There was a long stretch of silence before everything hit her at once. Neneng cried her eyes out while eating breakfast, then called Linda’s relatives around lunch time.

Funerals weren’t public affairs in the States like it was in the Philippines. Neneng had only been to one funeral – her uncle’s when she was fifteen years old. There was an open casket for a whole week while her relatives gambled and ate nuts under the cool fluorescent streetlights, mosquitos hovering above their heads. 

In the States, funerals were held for two or three days. During Linda’s funeral, Neneng saw her employer again – Linda’s child, Ethan. The long stretches of months working for Linda made her forget his face for a while. She knew he was heavy set, but when she thought of him, she imagined the round-faced boy in one of the photos on Linda’s mantle. He had a family of three now with his second, much younger wife.

Linda’s children and friends recounted stories of Linda in her glory days. They talked about how she was a wonderful, if strict, mother, a talented dancer, and a joy to work with at the office. It was all picturesque, but none of it resembled the Linda Neneng knew. Neneng couldn’t help but feel resentment. Where were they when she was alive? She was wonderful now that she was dead, but she was a burden to them when they still had a chance to be around her. Maybe if they had visited her more, Linda would have had a reason to live. She always talked about wanting to see her grandchildren more often.

Americans were as cruel as the rumors she heard. As soon as they could make it on their own, they left their families and tossed their elderly to the side, alone in their old age. Back in the Philippines, if someone even thought of disrespecting their mother like that, they’d be considered heartless. Neneng knew that when it was her time to retire, her children would take care of her. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

They buried her at a cemetery across the state. The long distance was because Ethan had already bought the plot of land for her. The vast field of perfectly trimmed grass and lush trees were starting to take on a reddish hue as the season slowly transitioned to autumn. Overhead, the sky was clear, a gradient of white and blue.

There goes my next paycheck, Neneng thought bitterly as they lowered Linda’s coffin into the ground. Maybe it was selfish of her to think so, but the corpse felt better off than her. At least Linda could lay down in eternal rest. Neneng had children to take care of.

After the funeral, Ethan laid her off with a check for two months, looking rather apologetic about it. She couldn’t be a domestic helper if she didn’t have anybody to help in the first place, after all. Neneng had a lot more that she wanted to say to him, but she decided against it and just thanked him for hiring her. He offered to let her stay at their place for a couple of weeks, but Neneng didn’t have any reason to be around them anymore. With her stuff tightly packed in her luggage and an uncertain future ahead of her, she wondered, what now?

***

Neneng boarded a bus headed west, towards the denser city area. This bus didn’t have stops, but it had a bathroom at the back and complimentary snacks. 

She made arrangements to live with an old high school friend, Ofel. They reconnected when Neneng found out Ofel was in the same state. Ofel always had delusions of marrying a rich white man, but so far, she’d only had a relationship with a balding hick before she found out he was an alcoholic. 

Neneng slept in bursts the entire ride. It wasn’t restful. She dreamt of her sister asking her for money she didn’t have over and over again. When she woke up, she just felt tired and sore, with a great pain ringing at the curve of her neck. She wasn’t young enough for long trips like these anymore.

When they finally reached the city, her heart started to race with excitement. It was so good to be back in civilization again. The city boasted grand buildings that seemed to reach for the sky, with elegant store fronts showcasing the best products they had to offer. Billboards and shop windows were illuminated and colorful, advertising all sorts of trendy clothes, perfumes, and glamorous, alternative lifestyles. Americans passed by in stylish jackets and coats, pace fast, usually talking to someone on their phones. So many of them looked like beautiful celebrities. 

The bus didn’t stop anywhere near this area of the city, though. It went deeper. This new area looked more dangerous. Most of the buildings they passed by were dilapidated, with dusty windows and graffiti-covered walls. It was mostly a residential area. African-American thugs in oversized shirts and cargo shorts hung out around street corners, smoking, talking, or shoving each other. They reminded her of squatters back home. Was this really where Ofel lived? She hoped they wouldn’t get raped or mugged around here. 

Her stop was at the very end of the street. The station was dark and empty with only two rows of seats. There were a handful of people there. A homeless man made himself a bed at the back using cardboard, his other belongings tied up in a plastic bag. Ofel sat at the front row, hunched over, staring at her phone. She looked older and worn down, with too many streaks of white mixed in with her beautiful black hair. She supposed if Ofel looked haggard to her, Neneng must look way worse. Neneng wheeled her luggage over to her and gave her shoulder a playful shove. Ofel jumped in surprise, saw her, and laughed. She stood up to hug her.

“O, kumusta? Tumaba ka. (How are you? You got fat.)” She squeezed Neneng’s arm.

“Papayat pa ba, gan’tung edad na? (Can I even lose weight at this age?)”

Ofel called this place ‘the inner city.’ It was the rundown side of town. Ofel’s co-worker, Denise, said that since they had a dense minority population, the state government only put aside money for development when they had any to spare. They once had a huge pothole in the middle of the street that popped unsuspecting tires. One of the residents got fed up with it and fixed it himself. Some cops caught him, and they never saw him again. 

Ofel herself stayed at a cramped apartment building along with other immigrants. She said they were Mexicans, and sometimes she’d think they were speaking in Tagalog because the languages sounded so similar. Ofel had a small room in the second floor, barely bigger than a closet, but she let Neneng sleep on the floor. It was more economical if they saved resources and shared rent, she said.

During Neneng’s first night in Ofel’s room, she never realized how difficult sleeping would be in the city. Linda’s house was deep in a luxurious forest. The most she would hear were crickets, and even they became soothing when she got used to them. Here, the walls were too thin. She could hear people going up and down the stairs constantly. One neighbor played Country music well into midnight. They turned it off around one, and just as she was about to close her eyes, she heard screaming outside. She sat up and saw a couple having an argument across the street. It made her nervous.

“Delikado ba dito? (Is this place dangerous?)”

“A little. But you think it’s because of the black people, huh? Sometimes it is. But there’s something else you should be more worried about.”

“What?”

“People are going missing, Neng. Two girls went missing in the past two months. They find blood in their houses but no bodies. Police think it might be serial killer.”

“Serial killer?”

“You know… they kill a lot of people because they like to kill. Not because they’re angry they got cheated on or because they had a fight with someone. They just like it.”

Neneng couldn’t even imagine that, but there were a lot of people around that had no shame, like fathers that raped their daughters or husbands that had secret families away from their wives. Demons. Maybe they hid their horns under their hair, because Neneng couldn’t believe human beings were capable of such things.

“Do you… think we should move?” Neneng asked.

“If you find us a cheap place to stay, then yes!”

***

Ofel worked as a night shift cook at a corner deli. The owner was a black woman named Precious, who Ofel described as ‘tough, but fair.’ Ofel introduced them once. She had long, red nails and braided hair that went down to her waist. When the meats in display started to expire, she let her employees take them home. It helped their food situation somewhat.

It wasn’t enough though. The roll of bills in her pocket was quickly running out with every passing day. She could burn them right then and it wouldn’t make a difference. One, two… four hundred. She made pie charts in her mind. She was never good at numbers, but it always felt ‘not enough.’ She needed a job soon.

When Ofel woke up around three in the afternoon, she loved to sit at the windowsill with a cheap pack of cigarettes and a hot cup of instant coffee, Neneng learned. It was her ‘morning’ routine. That day, as Ofel began her routine, Neneng stared at the laptop on her bed, a video of a laundry detergent ad looping distractingly at the top of her Facebook timeline. Neneng sat up and asked if she could use it. Ofel waved a hand and told her to close the tabs.

Neneng’s Facebook was overflowing with notifications. There was one intimidating chat window with eighty messages in particular. It was from her daughter, Liza. Neneng didn’t want to open it yet. In her mind, it was filled with nothing but hateful messages about how she was a bad mother. She wanted to put off checking it, but she didn’t have a lot of time with the laptop. What if something bad happened? She clicked it, cringing and only half-peeking.

Home wasn’t doing great. Liza won a spelling contest, which was fantastic, but her little boy, Marvin, was having disciplinary problems. Acting out, screaming, and vandalizing the classroom. He got suspended at school for two days because he pushed his classmate into a muddy puddle. Neneng felt terrible that her sister had to take care of them, but ever since her husband left, she had to go abroad to find a better job so she could support them better. 

Before she even finished typing a response, Liza jumped on their chat window. She rambled on about her life, then, like last year, asked her if she was going to spend Christmas with them. Neneng stared at the message, wanting so badly to tell her the truth. I lost my job. I don’t want to come home empty-handed. I don’t want you to think I’m a failure as a mother. Instead, she made up another excuse as to why she wouldn’t be joining them for Christmas this year, but she promised she’d ship them their favorite things: New Nike shoes and toblerone. Neneng logged out of Facebook after, gut heavy with shame.

***

Neneng needed to get out of their room. Her mind was replaying everything her daughter talked about over and over, putting more negative spins to even the most innocent comments. Liza had her hair cut short to her cheeks. She looked so boyish now. She used to take pride in her long hair. Neneng didn’t know what she was like anymore.

Even from their residential block, Neneng could see buildings covered with lights in the distance, as if all the stars in the sky were stolen and used to decorate the city’s magnificent skyline. In her street, the lamps’ faint glow bathed everything it touched in orange. It looked threatening, like everything was on fire. Maybe she was in hell. 

She kept imagining a killer would jump out from the dark and snag the roll of money in her pocket. It wasn’t a lot, just a couple of twenties to buy clothes if she stumbled upon a thrift shop, maybe a pizza slice to get the taste of day old deli sandwich out of her mouth. She hoped potential muggers wouldn’t think she was worth it. 

She always thought going abroad would turn out differently. Her high school classmates used to talk about how Philippine jobs were a joke. Go abroad. That’s where the real money is. Neneng was a flunkie that had no real skills other than cooking and cleaning. What choice did she have? The prospect of being paid five times more than the pocket change she got as a laundry woman in the Philippines was dazzling, but she learned that it was too good to be true. The salary was bigger, sure, but she suffocated under living expenses and debt. She sent what little she had back home, then lived off Linda’s scraps for weeks.

The worst part of it all was that she sacrificed years she could’ve spent with her children. She didn’t want all their suffering to go to waste now. She was going to ride this out until it broke her. That was the only choice she had.

Neneng didn’t know how long she walked, but her mind woke up when she saw several cars speeding through the street up ahead. This area was so much brighter than the street she came from. It was like a whole different world. She found a bakery that showed off delicious pastries on its storefront window. She went inside and took advantage of a sale at the counter, then came out with a doggie bag full of bread. They were kind of stale, but she supposed that was why they were on sale.

And then, she stopped, noticing a flier stuck to the wall. This was what Ofel was talking about, right? Missing women. One was a brunette with braces hugging a Labrador, and the other was a more mature looking blonde with thick make-up. They disappeared just last month, if the dates were correct. Scary. Was she safe, or did colored victims go unreported? 

Further down the street, she was thrilled to find an open Goodwill. Goodwill was like an ukay-ukay back home, a bargainer’s dream. It didn’t have a lot of people inside. There were a couple of Latinas and a white mother with a bored child in tow. Neneng went through all the branded sneakers in the corner, trying to see if any of them fit her children. She stayed for so long that the cashier went up to her and told her it would be closing time in a few minutes. Embarrassed, she checked out a handful of shirts for Liza and Marvin, then shuffled out.

She forgot which street she came from. She knew she was walking from the left side, but where did she turn? She stopped in front of the bakery. She was close now, but was it this corner or the one up ahead? She tried the upcoming street first. It had the same orange lights as the one she came from. 

It was quiet there. Not a soul stirred. As she walked, she noticed there was a car parked oddly in front of an alley, with a wheel resting on top of the sidewalk. Strange. She checked it by instinct.

There was a man with a carpet slung over his shoulder heading towards the car. Her heart raced. She debated the possibility that this was innocent, but the end of the carpet had bare human feet poking out of it.

In normal circumstances, Neneng would’ve bolted. This was a dangerous situation. Nobody looked for immigrants. If the Republicans had their way, they’d all be gone or deported. She needed to be responsible for her own safety, so why couldn’t she be? She turned to walk away, but she couldn’t take her gaze off him. Run. She didn’t want to. Everything but her brain wanted to drop to the floor in fear and exhaustion. Her eyes met the figure’s baby blue eyes.

His face was covered with a balaclava. He was dressed in all black attire, but she could tell from the skin exposed that he was white. Was he the serial killer Ofel was talking about? When Neneng thought of killers, she thought of feral, bulky, and frantic-eyed beasts. This man was lean and lanky, possessing an almost elegant swoop to his movements. He was the first to break the silence.

“Got anything to say, sweetheart?”

She sputtered. She tilted her head to the foot as a single drop of blood dropped onto the pavement. “The feet are dripping. That is suspicious,” she said, frantic.

“An expert, huh?” He dragged his words, as if tasting them in his mouth. “You don’t think I know what I’m doing?”

“You are doing a sloppy job.”

“Am I?” He paused. “Say… If I’m doing such a sloppy job, would you mind helping me out? I’m kinda sloppy, just in general. I’ve got a big mess up at my house, and I don’t think I can clean it up myself.”

Neneng clutched her plastic bags to her chest. “I don’t go in strange cars. Forget it. I never saw you.”

“Relax…” He walked past her. The proximity made Neneng take a step back. He gave her a good look over before he stuffed the body in the trunk and sealed it tight. After, he leaned against it casually, as if to convey he wasn’t dangerous. “It’s a real job. I’ve got the money. And with you coming out of…” He squinted at what she was clutching, “…Goodwill, am I right? That’s from Goodwill? You know you can do better than that. Why not make some good cash for the night?”

Why was he so friendly? Did he want to kill her too? She looked around the area. Empty. Maybe he didn’t want any witnesses to the murder. “You are not gonna kill me?”

“No.” He laughed, casual and easy. “I only go for white people. That’s how you get the most media attention, and that’s what I want. Attention.”

This man killed people for attention. When Ofel brought up the fact that some people murdered others for no reason, Neneng never would’ve thought that she was talking about people who just wanted attention. These were human lives they were playing with. They could go into showbiz or social media. Not this.

Neneng considered the offer. There were so many ways this could turn bad. She shouldn’t. She turned to walk, but the man’s hand shot out to grab her by the wrist. He covered her mouth right after, already knowing she’d scream. He pulled her close to his chest, shuffling into the alley, out of view of potential onlookers. She struggled against his grip, kicking and thrashing violently. No use. His hold was firm and oppressive, strong despite his body type.

“I can gut you here and there won’t be a goddamn investigation, sweetheart. You think the cops would waste their time investigating a dead immigrant? Please,” he said, hissing into her ear. She froze. He was right. “I’m being nice to you. Be nice to me, huh? I won’t hurt you if you humor me, but I can’t say the same if you keep pullin’ this screaming victim stunt.”

“How can I be sure you won’t just kill me somewhere else?”

“You can’t.” He hummed. “But it’s not like you care. Otherwise you would’ve ran away the minute you saw me.”

Her jittery mind raced as she considered his words one by one. She didn’t trust him or his intentions, but if he really wanted her dead, she would be by now. Hopefully he’d see her as inconsequential enough that she could escape by the skin of her teeth at the end of the night. She nodded, swallowing a thick lump in her throat. 

With the agreement made, he herded her into the car with his hand firm on her nape. She looked towards the buildings around her one last time, scanning every window, hoping for a miracle but knowing well it wouldn’t come.

***

Neneng didn’t get to see the roads they took to get to his house. As soon as she boarded his car, he put a blindfold on her. He said they needed to build some trust before she was allowed to see the directions to his place. In my line of work, I need to take a few precautions. You understand. He said she should at least see if she could clean his place first. If she didn’t think she could handle it, he’d drive her to the nearest bus stop – blindfold still on, of course. 

After what felt like hours, the vehicle finally came to a stop. He removed her blindfold. She rubbed her eyes, taking a bit to adjust.

“So sorry about the long drive, hun, but I had to circle a few blocks so you wouldn’t know where we’re going,” he said. He touched her thigh. Invasive. “Come on, then.”

The area they were in was dark, with only a few streetlamps to illuminate it. They were the nice kind though. She saw enough to understand they were parked in a suburb. 

It looked like a wealthy enough neighborhood. The houses were separated by expansive lawns with their own fences, with some areas divided by trees. The man didn’t have direct neighbors because his house was deeper in the forest area, but she could see other houses down the street. Behind the man’s house, there were tall pine trees and big mountain ranges. They came all the way from the city, but she couldn’t even see any trace of it. How far away were they? The man exited the car with her. He opened the front door for her, but went back to take out his… cargo. 

His house looked nice on the outside, but it was unwelcoming to anybody that tried to peek in. There was a spiky picket fence with large trees that obscured a great deal of the house. The lawn was unkempt. 

Inside was a big mess. There were a pile of tools in the middle of the living room with a pile of clothes right next to it. She stepped into the living room gingerly, making as little noise as possible. There was a TV in the corner. It was turned on, but it displayed nothing but a blue screen. Next to it was his DVD player, also turned on. It was trying to get attention by flashing messages in marquee. 

As she stepped closer, she saw an opened box of pizza with a half-eaten pizza inside. There were DVDs all over the sofa, but they didn’t have covers or artwork. When she picked one up, there was a sticker in the inner casing that labeled it “Certified True Snuff!” Neneng dropped it along with the others, shivering at having touched it.

Behind her, the man stomped through the hallway, his victim still slung over his shoulder, their feet still dangling uselessly out of the carpet all limp like a dead animal. It was sick. The man said hi to her, disturbingly cheery, then went through a door in the kitchen. Neneng peeked from the living room. It was dark, but she could hear him bounding down wooden stairs. Basement?

“I’ll be with you in just a bit, darling!” A loud thump, a scream, and then, silence. It sounded like a woman. Was she still alive? Neneng pressed her back to the wall, trying to calm her racing heartbeat. There was a real woman downstairs. Possibly dead now. She could be next. Why did she think he would treat her any different? Beyond his charm and friendliness, he still coerced her here with a threat. She shouldn’t expect honor and decency from a man that didn’t care about human life.

She should make a run for it while he was busy downstairs. With all the houses in the area, she could bang on one pretty easily and ask for help, couldn’t she? She walked briskly towards the door, hugging her belongings to her chest.

“Miss?”

She didn’t respond.

“Miss!”

He caught her. She should have ran earlier. She could hear him speeding up the basement stairs. Before she could reach for the door, he grabbed the back of her shirt. He was taller than her, and with a quick slide, he got in front of her and blocked her exit. 

His mask was off now. He looked so young, with a head full of red hair and a large, hawkish nose. Maybe she was imagining it, but shadows seemed to cling and hug at the edges of his form. The surface of his skin was tinged with electric blue from the TV. They stared at each other for a few, long breaths, and then he laughed. “C’mon, mom, don’t be like that. That’s just, ha, that’s nothing. C’mere.”

He placed a hand at the back of her neck, tight and possessive like a shackle, and led her towards the kitchen. She couldn’t escape now. She had to do what he said. An icy feeling crawled up her back. She feared that he was going to take her into the basement like the woman, but he stood in front of the door and closed it as gently as possible. His body language was open and friendly, but there were splatters and streaks of carelessly wiped blood all over his hands.

“We’ll keep this tightly closed, alright? Don’t be scared. That’s not what I wanted you to clean anyway.” He gave the door a pat to reiterate his point, then gestured to the entire kitchen. “You see this? My entire house is a mess. Can you clean it up? No vacuuming right now, but there’s cleaning supplies under the sink and a mop in the bathroom. No corpses anywhere other than my special room, I promise! If you have questions, you give the basement a lil’ knock and I’ll be up to help you out. Alright?”

She gave him a wary look. She thought about running again, but she knew that the next time he caught her, he wouldn’t be so generous. “Pay me first.”

She should ask for that, right? If she was going to be held here against her will, she should at least have compensation for her services, just like what he offered her.

He laughed, then shook his head, eyes warning her not to overstep. “No, no, no. You finish up first. I’ll give you…” He pressed a finger to his lip, thinking. “How does eight hundred sound? If you make me a nice dinner, I’ll give you a thousand.” He smiled. “Sound good?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “A thousand dollars? For cooking and cleaning in one night?”

“Call it a friendship bonus.” He extended a hand to her, wiggling his fingers enticingly. “Friends?”

Neneng stared at it. “Show me the money first.”

“You…” He wagged his finger at her. “You are a shrewd businesswoman! How are you not swimming in cash right now? You know what, I have to respect that. Alright.” He darted out the kitchen, then came back quickly with handfuls of hundred dollar bills. He sat down on the kitchen table and counted it down in front of her. “One, two, three… seven, eight, nine, one thousand bucks. Looks good?”

She stared at the bills on the table. Those didn’t look like fakes at all. Neneng had a few bills in her own pocket, but they were pathetic compared to the amount he had. He got them so easily too. How much money did he have on hand? She looked between the man and the money, then nodded slowly. “Okay. I will be done in an hour or two.”

“Great!” He clapped his hands. “I’ll see you then, my darling.”

***

Neneng was good at cleaning. Her family had nothing back at the slums, but she had worked her way out of it by becoming a part-time helper at her more affluent aunt’s household. She used to scrub the place top to bottom in the morning, then prepare dinner for her aunt and her family in the evening. Her aunt would ask her massage her back after, and she would work out every tight knot and kink out of her back until she was relaxed enough to sleep around midnight. 

Her aunt had been a terror to deal with. In her off moods, she’d scream and hit her with a broom because she found her work to be inadequate. The only reason Neneng had stayed under her service was because, despite it all, her aunt was generous with her money, and when you were starving, it was hard to object to anything.

She couldn’t help but see the man as the same. Unlike her aunt, he was charming and kind to her. Her aunt was just a misguided person, though. He was a monster. There was no denying it. Everything she encountered in his living room drove the point in further.

She turned the lights on and the TV off so she could get a better look at what she had to work with. Empty beer cans, stained furniture, and thick layers of dust. He lived in a pig sty. She circled the room, drawing up a plan of approach in her head.

The DVDs scattered around took her immediate attention. That should be easy. She picked them up one by one. They were hard to sort out, considering their colors were either black or plain gray, but the covers and CDs had similar numeric tags that identified what CD belonged to which case. Inside their cases were stickers that verified the authenticity of the product. Real life violence done to real life people. It doesn’t get better than this. Some of them had blurbs about the content, but most of them were smooth and black. There was no doubt in her mind that whatever was in these CDs weren’t fiction. 

She managed to sort through them and organized them in a row on his bookshelf. There was one empty casing with a CD she didn’t find until she swept under the TV. She stared at it for a good while, swiping the dirt off. 

Everybody had a morbid side, didn’t they? She’d seen her old high school buddies sharing pictures of real corpses with the caption “Like to Pray for Them” without understanding the gravity of what they were posting. Violence was sensationalized and spread for entertainment. There was no respect. If she died in a street, would people take videos of her corpse and share them to their friends? The man said he wanted attention, and this was how he got it. It wasn’t like he’d be pressed to find an audience for his line of work. 

Disgusting.

She stared at the CD in her hand. Despite it all, she wanted to understand what the appeal was. Was she broken because she was too sensitive to like things like that? She checked the area to see if the man was watching. He wasn’t. She stuffed the CD into her bra instead of putting it back inside the case. A dangerous move, she knew, but he had more than enough here to entertain himself. He wouldn’t notice one missing CD. In a weird way, she also wanted to punish him by taking his things.

The piles of things in the living room were easy enough to organize. She put the tools in the living room drawer then carried the clothes to his bedroom. While she was there, she noticed there were pictures all over his bedside table. There he was as a young boy with a middle-aged woman that didn’t look American herself. She looked Filipino, enough that whites could question if she and Neneng were related. Scary. The man didn’t look mixed to Neneng, but she supposed all white people looked the same to her. Behind it were photographs of him as a teenager with a butch-looking girl with a nose piercing. She hung his clothes on coat hangers. She only planned on making his bed, but she quickly discovered it was a nightmare. The sheets were stiff with semen. She sighed, frustrated by the additional work in front of her, and yanked it all off, carrying his dirty sheets downstairs. She gave the basement door a little knock.

“Where is your washing machine?”

“Are you going to do my laundry?”

“Just your sheets. They’re so gross, so gross.”

He laughed. “Fair enough! It’s across the room from the downstairs bathroom. Thank you, angel.”

She loaded the sheets into the washing machine in one big heap. It was dusty in here. Barely used. She couldn’t tell if it was because he was a savage, or because he was a man. She went back to the living room. She saw the pizza in a box again. How long had it been there? She didn’t want it to rot on the coffee table, so she took it out of the box and put it on a plate so she could store it inside the fridge. When she opened the fridge door, however, her nose was immediately attacked by the intense stench of rotten food. She cleared the shelves out before putting the pizza inside.

She finished the rest of the house quickly. After cleaning, she helped herself to a slice of pizza and surveyed his pantry to make dinner with. There wasn’t a lot, so she had to be creative. She heated up the edible leftovers and mixed some of the canned goods, ending up with a meal of fried rice, soup, and pizza. What time was it now? She checked the wall clock. One in the morning. 

She was going to pass out from exhaustion.

She knocked on the basement door again. “Dinner’s served.”

“Wonderful! I’ll be up in a few.”

***

The man poured soup on his rice, then ate it with a spoon and fork. A spoon and fork? She remembered the photographs of the middle-aged Filipino woman in his room. It wasn’t uncommon for children raised by Filipinos to learn Filipino culture. Maybe that was why he knew her situation at a glance. The man met her eyes and wagged his spoon at her.

“Don’t you know it’s rude to stare? What are you waiting for? Eat, eat! You must be hungry. The food’s delicious, you’re missing out.”

“Where is my money?”

He gave her a bemused look. “Darling, you don’t know what part of town you’re in and how you got here. Eat something. I’ll pay you after, and then we can drive back to town.”

“And then what?”

“And then… what?” He scanned the room, zipping his head around to make a show of looking all over her handiwork. “I love what you’ve done with the place. It looks like a functioning adult’s house now. For once, I don’t feel like sneezing every five minutes. Tell you what…” He splayed his fingers on the table, flashing her a cheeky, knowing look, “…You give me your number, and I’ll text you when I need you.”

Neneng studied his face. She used to pride herself at being able to tell when someone was being insincere. Her uncles and cousins were pathological liars who loved to drink and gamble, so she had a lot of practice. But this man? He had no life in his eyes. She didn’t think a human being could look so utterly cold even when smiling.

The man slid his phone to her. Could she say no? Would he react badly if she turned him down? She didn’t want to see him or this place again, but it was already late at night. She didn’t have the energy for a fight anymore. She was so close to getting home. She gave him a wary look before typing her number down on the keypad, then slid it back to him. In return, he gave her the money. He stood up, grabbed his car keys from the kitchen counter, and drove her to a bus stop.

***

The man dropped her off at a bus stop near the bridge. According to the timetables, it did have a stop near her place. She checked the time. Two in the morning, with a bus that leaves at two thirty. She should be able to get back home at around four in the morning at the latest. 

She told herself she could sleep on the bus, but when she got on-board, she found that she was wide awake. She wondered if it had all been a dream. Eventful things didn’t happen to her. She only heard about them in the periphery. Her mother told her it was a good thing. When you’re poor, the most you could aspire to was living a long, quiet life. Neneng learned to stay quiet and invisible. She had to be in-charge of her own safety because no one else would be. 

She peeked at the roll of bills in her pocket. She could do a lot with this. Her promised gifts and more. Her kids could have a feast of a Noche Buena for Christmas, plus new backpacks and school supplies. For the first time, the money she’d send over would be able to cover everything. She wouldn’t be a burden anymore. She would actually be contributing something worthwhile. 

Blood money. Limp feet dangling out the end of a rolled up carpet. Neneng had nothing to do with her death. She went there. She cleaned. It was a job. She was sure other people’s bosses weren’t so innocent themselves.

She did nothing wrong.

The bus stopped a few blocks from her apartment. She was ready to drag her feet back to their place, but a delicious smell enticed her to a nearby restaurant. Chinese. Neneng learned when she arrived that there wasn’t a Chowking in the US, but luckily, they had multitudes of Chinese restaurants that were just as delicious and affordable. She had enough money, didn’t she? It was time to eat something that wasn’t discounted or near-expiring. Neneng ordered fried rice, dumplings, soup, and fortune cookies to-go so she could eat them with Ofel. The girl was probably sick with worry, so she felt like she had to do something to calm her down.

As she waited, she enjoyed the familiar sight of Chinese people. A cat statue waved its left paw, inviting good fortune into the place. Good fortune… Neneng cracked open a fortune cookie as she waited for the rest of her order. It said: You can survive if you’re strong.

Neneng came back to Ofel fussing about her, as predicted. Where did you go? Why did you leave your phone at home? When Neneng presented her with boxes full of Chinese food, she stopped asking questions.

As they ate, Neneng asked if she could borrow Ofel’s laptop again. She sent a quick message to her sister about sending a large sum of money her way soon, but she wasn’t online, so she didn’t wait for a reply. It was early evening in the Philippines. She would be preparing dinner. While she scrolled through her Facebook feed, liking people’s posts and posting comments, she remembered something. She pulled out the CD tucked inside her bra. Ofel, curious, looked up from her phone and asked, “What’s that?”

Neneng didn’t dare answer. She held eye contact with Ofel and inserted the disc into her laptop’s CD drive. Windows Media Player popped open and played the .avi file.

The scene begun with a close up of a woman’s torso down to her waist. Her dress was tight and clung tightly to her generous curves. As the shot moved up to her face, briefly, Neneng recognized her. She had seen her on a missing person flier last night. Her make-up was as artfully done in the video, just like in the poster. The woman sipped her martini carefully as she stared directly at the camera, perhaps looking at the cameraman. From what Neneng could tell, they had been at a dimly lit bar. Her lips were red and plump, right out of a lipstick commercial.

“You look different from your Tinder profile,” said a man off-screen. With the shaky, uneven feed, he must’ve been wearing a hidden camera. The quality was too grainy for her to identify if it was the man.

The woman in the video laughed. She looked down in shame, grimacing. “Better or worse?”

“Better.”

The scene cut abruptly to a hotel room. The camera only showed an empty bed, but high heels could be heard clacking on the hard wood floor off-screen. The woman fell back onto the bed, bouncing on it. She kicked her shoes off and spread her legs, ready for her lover.

Men popped out from under the bed, behind the curtain, and out of the closet. The woman shrieked in surprise, but they overwhelmed her quickly – one behind her, another pulling on her arms, and the last one between her legs. She thrashed against them as they started to grab and undress her. She called out to her lover for help. He entered the scene taking his coat and tie off, and throwing it aside.

They pinned her down as she screamed. Her lover took a thin, metal wire from the table and wrapped it around her neck. He tugged and tightened the wire slowly at first, as if teaching her to get used to it, then jerked it a couple times. Her entire face was red as she thrashed, fighting for every little bit of air she could get. Ofel’s gasp from behind made her jump.

Neneng slammed the laptop shut.

“What was that?” Ofel looked at her, face pale. “Was that real? Where’d you get that?”

Neneng gave her a thin smile. “…Don’t worry about it.”

She decided, right then, that that would be the last she saw of him.

***

It had been two days since her encounter with the man. She had mixed feelings about it. She could tell herself that it was morally reprehensible all she wanted, but she still benefited from the momentary financial stability he gave her, especially now that she was out of a job. There was no better feeling than when she got to send all that money back to her sister. She told her to prepare a feast for her kids, and that she had gifts coming soon.

In her darkest nightmares, she watched the man as he wrapped a metal wire around her daughter’s neck as she thrashed and struggled against his oppressive form. He’d tug at it a couple of times to watch for her reaction, enjoying her pain with a voyeuristic glee. She debated calling the cops, but what would she say? Would they even believe her? What evidence did she have, aside from the disc? She had no name and no address, just a very distinct memory of his face. She couldn’t even remember the plate number of his rental car. The car was blue, at least. Or was it gray?

Neneng stepped into the local mall for the first time. Ofel was with her, saying she wanted to give her a tour around. It was unremarkable compared to the malls she’d been to at the Philippines, but there were better stores here. They chatted about their own kids. Ofel had five of her own, and the last time she visited, two of them refused to speak to her. She wasn’t their mother, they said. 

Neneng thought about her Marvin. He was at a difficult point in his development at eleven years old, transitioning from boy to man. At that age, hormones went wild. Teenagers looked for reasons to be resentful at their parents. During their last chat, he didn’t even talk to her. If her children resented her, what was all this for? She bought him new Nike shoes and a Giordano polo shirt, which she hoped he would like. Was it enough to win him back? She added in a few action figures and a remote-controlled monster truck too. Whatever he said about his mother to his friends, he’d never be able to say she didn’t look out for him. 

Neneng could feel Liza slipping away too. Liza confided to her that while her aunt had been generous, she and her brother were often treated badly compared to her cousins. They slept at a storage room outside her house and, sometimes, when she got up to go to the bathroom, she’d find out they locked the back door so she had to pee under the tree next to the sleeping dogs. Neneng got Liza a new phone, a smartphone, so her friends could see that she wasn’t behind the times. She got her Nike shoes too, and a handful of shirts she got from a branded bargain bin.

When they got home, she stuffed all of her gifts in a Balikbayan box along with chocolates, school supplies, and the rest of the stuff she got from Goodwill earlier that week. The next day, she had it shipped off to the Philippines. She chose a decent shipping option, hoping it’d get there by early January at the very latest.

Her money was running out again. The man gave her momentary reprieve, but what about next month? She needed a job.

There weren’t a lot of jobs available for a dropout migrant with a heavy accent, she knew. She sent resumes out all over – schools, restaurants, hotels, and other nearby establishments. Surprisingly, a night club a half hour commute away from her apartment called her back. All she had to do was keep the bathrooms and the bar clean during work hours, then take the trash out before she clocked out. It shouldn’t be hard.

Night clubs were a completely different beast than what she was used to. The women weren’t all that pretty, but they were loud, and they dressed provocatively. It was like they had no respect for themselves or their families. The men gave off predatory vibes that she got nervous being left alone in a room with them. Neneng was way past her prime, small and stout like many other Filipino middle-aged ladies, so she was thankful they wouldn’t even consider trying to flirt with her, at least.

She learned two things: Americans were absolutely disgusting, and they would have sex anywhere. Her first night, when it was time for her to do the rounds again, a couple came in and had sex in a stall. While Neneng wiped down the sink for the third time that evening, the woman peed all over herself and the floor. The couple ran out laughing about it. She mopped it all up. She changed her mop water again and again, but she went to sleep that night somehow still smelling urine at the end of her fingers. 

Neneng told herself that she just needed time to adjust to it, but she never did. Semen stains at the bar. Dirty diapers, adult-sized. Cross-contaminated food. She once clocked in overtime because someone vomited on the dance floor, and instead of calling her to clean it up, people danced over it. She didn’t feel human working night after night, bass ringing in her eardrums, body constantly sore and smelly.

She received her paycheck a couple weeks later. It was just two-hundred dollars. It was half her salary at Linda’s, and it certainly didn’t compare to one night working for the man. The work was grueling for very little pay-off. She asked her manager if this was it, and he said she should be thankful she could find work with her qualifications in the first place.

The morning after she got paid, she received a mysterious call from an unknown number. She ignored it, knowing exactly who it was, but he didn’t stop calling her at random intervals all day. She blocked his number, but a different number started annoying her instead. She debated answering it. She shouldn’t, right? She was done with him. 

She thought about the woman in the video. It felt so distant compared to the living hell that was this night club. The man’s house was so easy to clean, and he was such a pleasant conversation partner the entire time. During her break, the phone vibrated another time. 

She finally caved and went out to the alley next to the club to pick it up. She watched a couple pass by the street, one man’s hand slipping inside his girlfriend’s short shorts.

“I’m gonna kill you, bitch.”

Neneng froze.

He laughed in that familiar, casual way. “Pretty convincing, isn’t it? Serial killers send people threatening voice messages all the time. One of my favorites, The East Area Rapist, used to call his victims the night before he attacked. Not gonna kill you, of course! But your face was probably priceless. How’ve you been doing lately, my darling? Don’t answer that. I know how you are. Miserable. And you know what? This job is beneath you. How about you come work for me again?”

Her heart raced. She looked around to see if anybody was listening in. “…How did you know where I was working?”

“I followed you around, of course. Wouldn’t want you talking to the you-know-whos! C’moooon, what do you say? I’ll get you dinner. There’s a Domino’s down the street, and I want you to try their lava cakes, they’re great.”

“I’m still at my job…”

“Then quit. Who cares? You come with me now, and I pay you two months’ worth of their salary. For one night of work. No pee stains, no diapers, no stupid bitches making fun of your accent, none of that shit. You have to admit it’s a good deal. What do you say?”

Neneng burst into tears. 

This was her best option, wasn’t it? She thought she could take a moral stand and get a proper job like an upstanding citizen, but there was nothing fair or decent about America. The man was brutal and ruthless. It made sense he was rich enough that he could afford whatever he wanted. The clubbers were all spoiled brats, and the owners – she wasn’t even sure were any better than the man. Maybe they weren’t killers, but they were monsters in their own right, with the way they profited off their underpaid workers.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes… yes, I am alright. Do you know where I am?”

“I do. Do you want me to pick you up?”

“Please.”

***

The man took her to Domino’s, like he offered. He looked different in civilian clothes, or maybe the lighting in the restaurant helped him look better than his poorly lit house did. The conversations they had were surprisingly easy. There were no threats of any kind. He was so charming and magnetic that she couldn’t look away. He wasn’t handsome, but she knew if he went to the Philippines, young girls of all kinds would be fawning over him. They shared a pepperoni pizza and he got her a lava cake. It was messy, but it was the most delicious dessert she’s ever tasted.

After dinner, they got back in his car. It was a different car from last time. He covered her eyes with the blindfold again, but she didn’t fear for her life like the first time. 

What she feared was her growing affection for him. It wasn’t romantic, but out of everyone here, he seemed to be the only one that went out of his way to take care of her. Did he get attached to her too? Something about him struck her as incredibly, devastatingly empty.

The ride from the city to his house was smoother than last time. He didn’t circle around trying to get her lost anymore. Lights pierced through her blindfold until the streets got dimmer, which meant they were getting close.

“Why did you wait until my first paycheck to call me?”

“Because I knew you were going to turn me down. You think I’m a bad person, which I’m not gonna deny, honestly, but you’re mistaken if you think everybody else is any better. Think about it, darling. This isn’t the Philippines. This is the US. Morals are out of style. What matters is making your mark.”

She refused to believe that. Neneng went to a public elementary school, but nuns from a nearby nunnery gave them sermons every week. There, she had learned that God created all men to be equal and good, but through Eve’s sin, they got free will and now they needed to find their own path back to Him. The man’s greed made him stray from God’s light, and that was why he acted in such cruel, twisted ways.

“Do you ever feel bad about what you do?”

“No… not at all. Never did, never will. They say it starts out like that. You kill a few cats, a few dogs, and before you know it you’re on death row with thirty-two murders under your belt.”

“You never wonder what it would be like to be good?”

“Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be bad?”

She was quiet.

“I never thought anyone could be good, personally. Horror movies, shock value clickbait, reality TV… There’s a monster in all of us. Otherwise, suffering wouldn’t be as profitable. Me? I’m just the most honest motherfucker you’ll ever meet.” 

***

That night was less eventful than the first time. There were no bloodstains or dead people in sight. Like before, he kept the basement door tightly shut. Neneng did his laundry and washed his rugs while he sat at the couch drinking whiskey and chattering to her about professional work environments, as well as profusely apologizing about the commotion and stress that his threats caused her. She had to admit, as annoying as he was, she didn’t feel cornered anymore. She felt like she was on the clock at a genuine job. At the end of the night, he paid her and drove her to the bus station again. 

She never found out his name. She imagined he didn’t want her to know. He was the type that wanted to pluck every bit of information about the people around him, but he was reluctant to offer anything that wasn’t in his own terms.

Another thousand dollars. What a night. If she had stayed at the night club, it would’ve taken her a couple months to get the same amount. She could afford rent for the next two months. She might even do the groceries! She had a stable income now. She didn’t need to feel guilty about every purchase she made anymore. For the most part, it was a pleasant job. 

No matter how many times she reassured herself, she tossed and turned in her sleep.

Maybe she just needed to talk about it. To who? When Ofel asked her what was wrong the other day, Neneng kept her mouth shut tight. She told her she just had a lot on her mind. Ofel had never been a warm person. She was tough, and that came with its own advantages, but Neneng could never think to confide in her. 

Neneng prayed with her rosary that night, and came to the conclusion that what she had been lacking recently was a connection to God.

It had been years since Neneng stepped inside a church. The nearest church from Linda’s house was more than two hours away. Linda had been a reclusive, high maintenance woman who panicked when Neneng spent more than a few hours outside, so she hadn’t had a chance to go, even for Christmas. The Catholic Church was still three hours away from where she lived now, but there was a more convenient Antiochian Orthodox Church nearby. She figured it wouldn’t be that different. They all worshipped the same God. Everything else was fluff.

The church was a thirty minute ride from her place. It was at an awkwardly placed lot between two buildings, one an up-and-coming hipster restaurant, and the other a rundown business office. The area it was in was elevated, so she could see a good chunk of the city from the height. They were so close to the bridge. Beyond it were expansive mountain ranges. The same mountains near the man’s house.

She walked in at the middle of mass. It took two whole hours to finish, most of which was spent singing and standing up. She was mortified she didn’t know any of the songs. When it was time for The Holy Eucharist, they told her it was only for Orthodox members, so she couldn’t have it, but they gave her a piece of bread called the ‘antidoron’ instead. She wasn’t so confident about this little venture anymore. As soon as it was done, she hugged her purse close to her chest and sped towards the door. Before she could leave, a kindly, dark-skinned priest tapped her gently on the shoulder and smiled at her.

“Hello, sister,” he said. “I’ve never seen you before. Are you new?”

“Ah… Yes, father. I am Catholic, but the church is very far. I thought, maybe, I could pray here. I am very religious, you see, but I am afraid I just embarrassed myself…” 

“Excuse me. Filipino kayo? (Are you Filipino?)”

The question surprised her. The man was so well-spoken and articulate, but he had a perfect Tagalog accent. “Yes… yes, sir. You, sir?”

“I’m Filipino as well, but my family moved here when I was sixteen. You know, you’re welcome to join our liturgy, sister. We have but one God, after all. I’d love to see you around, and I’d love to introduce you to my mother. She loves America, but I can tell she wants some Filipino friends again. She can’t keep up with Americans, you see. She says they’re too loud and friendly.” He laughed and offered her a handshake. “I’m Jim.”

Neneng was smiling the entire time he talked. She shook his hand with enthusiasm. “Neneng. It’s good to meet you, ho. You are such a nice man! You’re a priest here?”

“A priest?” He shook his head. “I’m still in training, madame. But I can show you around. See how well you do around here. I know a lot of Catholics have their reservations about converting, but once you hear what we’re about, you might give us a second thought.”

She nodded. “Okay. I’ll stop by again.”

As she walked out of the church, she felt a cool, refreshing breeze brush against her face. The skies were a stunning blue covered with fluffy white clouds. For the first time in a long while, she could feel God smiling down at her.

Things were going to be okay.

***

The man was uncharacteristically quiet the entire time he drove them to his place. When they got there, he ignored her and sat at the couch. She gave him a wary look, her nervousness thick in her throat. Did he… want her to clean? What did he want? She almost wanted him to chatter her ear off again, just so she knew she wasn’t in trouble. She avoided his gaze and went around to pick up pieces of trash all over the floor. At the corner of her eye, she saw him slump forward, fingers drumming his thighs and eyes watching her every move. After she dumped all the litter in the kitchen trash can, the man whistled to catch her attention.

“Sweetheart, care to join me in the living room?”

That didn’t sound good. She went back to the living room. They locked eyes for a bit. She’d never seen him so intense. Even under the illumination of the lightbulb overhead, the area around him was near blurry, impossible to be fully pierced by light. He crossed his legs and slumped back on the couch. A finger beckoned her to come closer. 

“You stole from me,” he said, plain and simple. It didn’t sound like an accusation, but his sharp gaze suggested otherwise. “Don’t lie. You did. One of my DVD cases, it’s missing a CD.”

“I haven’t seen it –”

He stood up and pressed a finger to her lip to silence her. She stood perfectly still, but her heart was beating so hard she could hear the thumping in her ears and behind her eyes. They say, when confronted with a bear, it would be wise to lie down and pretend you were dead. The last thing she wanted to do was provoke a violent man. Roll with it. Don’t fight. Put your head down and hope he leaves you alone.

“Shhh. Don’t weasel out of this,” he said, voice dropping down to a whisper, serpentine in quality. His eyes were wide, but his irises were small dots. “Lying gets us nowhere. What I wanted to know was… Did you like it? That wasn’t one of my favorites, really. I mean, Tinder? How amateurish. Where’s the plot? The showmanship? Come here, lemme show you a good one.”

She didn’t want to see another one.

He held her wrist with an iron tight grip and pulled them both down to the couch. He let go of his hold on her, but he placed a heavy hand on her shoulder – a subtle threat not to move an inch from where she was sitting. He flipped the television on with the remote. From where she was sitting, she could see the DVD player was already turned on. 

The video opened with a sequence following the day-to-day of a beautiful dark-haired girl. The shots were candid with hidden cameras all over her apartment. One of them was her walking down the street, and the shot looked like it was from a shaky phone camera. Neneng could recognize this street. There was the bakery, then a Goodwill down the block… 

The video then showed him making contact with her while she was jogging around the park. She was so charmed by him that she gave him her number, then whispered to him that she had a boyfriend, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. As she jogged off into the distance, the camera wobbled again as he cackled, clutching the number tight. “What a bitch, what a whore! Back in the middle ages, unfaithful bitches were lynched and made an example of! I’d make an example out of her! Bitch, whore, cunt cunt cunt...”

In real life, the man wagged his finger at the screen. “It’s taking a while. I know. I’ve worked on their website for a while now, and I know the customers appreciate a good build-up.”

They continued watching. The movie showed their private conversations, with the girl telling him when her boyfriend was out of town so they could fuck. There was a whole montage of the two fooling around. At the end, he ejaculated all over her happy, open face. Neneng recoiled in disgust. It was so graphic. She attempted to cover her eyes, but he pulled her hands down.

“In pornography, that’s called ‘the money shot’.”

The sequence changed. The images moved from nicely lit to near darkness. The girl settled into bed when the man’s figure – in attire similar to the one when he and Neneng first met – entered her window. He honed in on her and attempted to subdue her with a chloroformed rag. She struggled and kicked him off successfully, but he didn’t stop his assault. He tackled her down and punched her repeatedly in the face. Neneng covered her mouth and shrieked, her body trembling from head to toe. As the woman in the screen wailed in agony, he finally got to pin her down to chloroform her.

“No more,” Neneng pleaded, covering her face with her hands and squeezing her eyes shut. He grabbed both of her wrists, pulling them away from her face. He forcibly opened her eyelids with his fingers. 

“Watch it. You wanted to watch this stuff, didn’t you? Finish the goddamn clip.”

Neneng sobbed.

The man moved his body aside so she could look at the screen again. The woman was in a dark room, but there was a bright light shining directly at her face. It showed everything in extreme detail, like her pale skin, her bleeding nose, and her teary eyes. She coughed, drool dripping down the side of her mouth. He wrapped a metal wire around her neck and tugged. “Please,” she said, weakly. “Please stop.”

There was a knock. Neneng heard her own voice faintly in the distance in the clip. “Where is your washing machine?”

The woman’s eyes widened when she realized she wasn’t alone. She opened her mouth to call out to her, but he shoved a rag inside. It must’ve hit the back of her throat, because her face flinched, eyes snapping shut. The man chuckled, and said, “Are you going to do my laundry?”

Neneng covered her mouth in shock. The person inside the carpet was her. This all happened while she was cleaning upstairs. That was why she recognized the street. It was near the one she found the man in. There were a lot of implications here that she had to sort through, but it didn’t change the fact that her initial reaction was of disgust, outrage, and guilt. The clip ended with the man ejaculating on the woman’s face again. This time, she was nothing but a bloodied corpse. 

The man clapped his hands.

“Now that’s reality TV!”

II.

Liza: Ma, did you hear about Daisy?

Neneng: Daisy?

Liza: It’s an internet video about a white man raping and torturing a toddler named Daisy. 

Neneng: Dear god! Have you seen this video?

Liza: No, but I’ve seen the pictures. The guy sold it for $10,000 online. My classmates are looking for copies of it.

Neneng: Do you like that stuff? Would you watch it if they find it?

Liza: I don’t like it, but I definitely wanna see it. 

Neneng: Why?

Liza: I don’t know. It makes the world feel different, I guess. You go to school, you go back home… and somewhere in the world, at the exact some time, a guy’s going around raping toddlers. It’s so weird. Really makes you think about things. 

Neneng: Are you so unhappy about your life that you need to see things like that?

Liza: No, ma! That’s not fair. Don’t you want to see exciting things sometimes?

***

It didn’t feel all that exciting to her. Neneng had dodged the horror and true crime fascination people had in high school, and she had a habit of blocking people that posted gory videos on Facebook. She wasn’t exempt from curiosity, but hers stemmed from a need to understand other people’s fascination with gore than to sate her own.

Neneng had always been a soft person. When she was a child, her family had a dog they kept chained at the gate. Day and night, it would bark, shit, and sleep on the whole four meters it was allowed to move around. Every time Neneng passed by it to go to school, she would look at its matted fur and bloodshot eyes, and think that this must be the most miserable creature in the world. It didn’t make sense that her parents would keep talking about it as if it was nothing but an annoying burden when it had it worse than them.

People numbed themselves to abused animals and children, and sought out worst acts of violence to consume and be entertained by. Even her own daughter, someone that she assumed had a pure heart, wanted to see a toddler get raped. It hadn’t been long since Liza was a toddler herself, bright-eyed, soft-skinned, and helpless on her own. Neneng thought of all this and more as the man led her down to his basement.

The man had always been cagey about the basement, claiming he didn’t let her see it to protect her. But you’ve seen what I do now, don’t you? He said she owed him after she stole his CD like that. She already gave it back to him, but he still wouldn’t let it slide. He said if she did well there, he’d consider showing her the route to his house so he’d stop acting like a taxi service just to pick up his own cleaning lady. In a moment of boldness, Neneng asked him if he was worried she’d call the cops as soon as she found out where his place was. He smirked and told her that he didn’t realize she was so eager to mop up vomit and urine for two pennies an hour again.

The first thing she noticed was a strong, foul stench, acid and rot emanating in a hazy cloud. She pinched her nose and groaned in disgust.

“I know, right? It’s like a big toilet. I can’t be bothered anymore but you, my dear, have a gift.”

The basement was lit solely by a dangling light bulb, but there were stands with spotlights in a corner, presumably for filming. It must be painful having them directly shine on one’s face. She remembered that the woman’s eyes flickered a lot. There was an operating table with handcuffs attached to it. Behind it were two shelf units, both cluttered with tools. Next to it was a freezer, then a metallic drum with empty containers of acid at the top. The ground was made of cement, but there were pools of gunk collected in puddles.

“Don’t touch the shelves. I have a system.” He gestured at the fridge. “Don’t open this unless you want a fright.”

“Right…” She gave him a cautious look, then opened the only window in the basement. It was a small one that peeked into his lawn, but it was obscured by a tree. Was that deliberate? She got to work on the floor. The man, meanwhile, pushed himself up to sit on the operating table to watch her. He was quiet again, but not in a tense way where she knew she was in trouble. She threw him glances now and then.

“Why did you start making the snuff videos?” 

“I’ve always been curious about it. There wasn’t a specific point, it was more… a culmination of interconnecting things that inevitably led to where I am now. I watched a lil’ Dexter, spent too much time researching about serial killers on the internet. A close friend of mine figured out how to get into the deep web, so we watched a lot of real gore together. I started uploading some of my own, and the community welcomed me wholeheartedly.”

“That is where you get your money, yes? With the snuff videos?”

He smiled and gave her a small nod. “My content usually ranges from two to five thousand dollars per view. I get a lot of views.”

“Do you know Daisy?”

“Daisy! Oh, sweet Daisy. There are a lot of Daisies... or rather, a lot of Peter Scullies making Daisies. Exclusive content, but not new and not uncommon. She’s just one of the few that entered the public consciousness. One of my friends actually bought that video, yanno. Scully’s experienced, but his girlfriends weren’t. Enthusiastic, though! You gotta appreciate that.”

Neneng squinted at him, making sure to emphasize her disapproval. “Do you do that? Rape children?”

“Oh, no, not at all! Most killers have their signature MOs, darling. Children are too…” He scrunched his nose. Neneng raised her eyebrows, hopeful for a sliver of decency from this man. “…They’re too easy for me. They make them or snatch them, some of them even go to impoverished countries where there are droves of them just hanging out in the street. Low hanging fruit.”

Neneng rolled her eyes.

“You roll your eyes, yes, but there is a craftsmanship to these things. If you’re a little more open-minded, you can see the critical eye with which I regard my work. It’s art.”

“Maybe... maybe some things shouldn’t be art at all.”

***

It took Neneng a good three hours to finish cleaning up the basement. The gunk that gathered up in bunches was so thick, sticky and black, she had to melt it down with several cleaning products just so she could see the floor again. Most of the foul stench aired out, but hints of it tickled her nose and tongue, distinctly metallic. She couldn’t shake off the feeling that everything she touched down there was pure evil, and it seeped into her rough, pruny fingers.

He enjoyed this, didn’t he? This was her punishment after she pulled that stunt with the CD. She knew it was coming. It was worth it at the time, but the back ache and tight lungs caused by the fumes was complete torture. She knew she was going to pass out as soon as her head hit the pillow.

By the time she was done, it was dark out. She rinsed the floor one last time and swept everything into the drain. As she gathered her cleaning materials to climb back upstairs, she stopped in front of the refrigerator. The man told her not to open it unless she wanted a fright. Don’t you want to see exciting things sometimes? She knew what was in there. Bones and meat treated so badly one would think they were a dog’s. She’d seen her fair share of excitement in this place, and all she wanted was a return to the old, quiet motions of her life.

She did the sign of the cross, but she doubted God’s grace could find this place.

***

The Orthodox Church was so different from the Catholic churches she’d been to. Her childhood one had a dome ceiling with benches that helped with kneeling and an elevated, open altar. There was a projector displaying hymns that they were supposed to sing along to. The Orthodox Church had a lot of gold. The altar was on ground level, and there was a gate the priest used that obscured what he was doing behind it. 

Best of all, there were a lot of beautiful paintings drawn all over the walls or hung up in frames. She was drawn to a particular one. It was a painting of the Virgin Mary. She was blessed and holy like all other depictions of the Virgin she’d seen, garments blue as the sky and halo bright as the sun. Instead of praying or looking beautiful, she was holding a small, black, imp-like creature by the beard and smashing a hammer to its head. Her face was stoic and unaffected, but gentle. The creature had its mouth open in an almost cartoonish manner, drooling blood, eyes popping out of its head. This was the first she’d ever Mother Mary looking so violent.

“You’ve been staring at that for a while now,” Jim said.

“Oh, I’m sorry…” Neneng trailed off, but her gaze stayed on the painting in front of her. “Isn’t this bad?”

Jim shrugged. “It’s protective. She’s killing a demon. There are a lot of Orthodox icons depicting Saints killing demons.”

“I thought killing was wrong.”

“I suppose…” He looked pensive. “But you need to think about all the people they’ve hurt. Demons aren’t people. They’re manifestations of evil. Killing one demon can save fifty people, for example. It’s brutal, but necessary.”

She understood the logic, but violence still didn’t sit right with her. “What if that’s true with people too? Can you kill one evil person to save fifty?”

“That is a task beyond our responsibility. We can’t presume to act like God and the Saints, sister.” Jim gave her a kind look and reached out to squeeze her arm. “What’s bothering you so much? You’ve got dark eyebags. You don’t look like you’ve had a lot of sleep.”

Neneng relaxed so much in response to his kindness that she started crying. He rubbed her back and pulled her close, asking her what was wrong again. Her mouth opened, ready to tell him everything that happened then and there, but the words died in her throat. 

“I miss my children. I keep worrying they’ll grow up bad because their mother was never around for them.” She wiped her tears and sniffled. “My son is having trouble at school. My daughter is starting to like violence when she used to be so sweet. I don’t want to come back only to find out it is too late for them, and it was all my fault.”

Jim pulled her close and rubbed her back reassuringly. “Have faith in the will of God, sister. You’re a good person, and you will reap the rewards of His eternal kingdom.”

***

Her new work schedule was this: Wednesdays and Fridays, she cleaned up the man’s house. Saturday, she did his groceries. He told her he was starting to get sick of fast food all the time. He wanted more homey food, warm broths and steaming bowls of rice. The first time she made sinigang for him though, he pushed the bowl away and whined about it being too sour. So annoying. No gratitude at all.

He hadn’t killed anyone while she was working for him. She didn’t know if it had something to do with her presence or if he was trying to lay low. The local government’s been turning up the heat on law enforcement, embarrassed that disappearances kept happening in well-to-do “affluent” neighborhoods. It’d been dissuading tourists to visit the city as much. There wasn’t a noticeable decrease in revenue, but they were starting to get nervous because Christmas was around the corner.

She knew now that the women in the missing person posters were both of his, and now fliers of the black-haired woman in his latest video were starting to pop up. In the local news, her boyfriend came on TV and pleaded for people to find her. Please, she’s my princess. The sweetest, kindest girl I’ve ever met. He really didn’t know anything. Whenever she passed by the posters in the street, Neneng made sure not to look at them directly.

“How do you always get away with your killings?” Neneng asked him one day.

He looked up from his work station and grinned at her, smug as he can be. “I do research first. I very rarely nab girls from the same place. I take them from every other district – it confuses the cops into thinking there’s a pattern, but there isn’t. Cop patrols aren’t as frequent in white neighborhoods either. Apparently the governor passed a stop-and-frisk law, and they only turned up the heat on the poor black guys. Ha. Why? Are you planning on getting into show business yourself?”

She didn’t answer him.

She and the man worked out a salary system that was agreeable for the both of them. A thousand every week. It was still more lucrative than other jobs around, so she had to agree to it. Sundays, she went to church. It was her only comfort these days. 

For the first time in a long while, she had money and free time to spare. She went to a movie for the first time in years. It was a superhero movie. She didn’t understand anything going on, but the special effects were great and all the young actors were so handsome that the plot didn’t feel necessary.

Ofel started being suspicious about all the money she was bringing in. Neneng gave her a number of excuses with no real answer. She never got satisfied by anything she said, so she stopped asking questions.

December arrived with fanfare, like it always did. Snowfall started as early as October, but they started falling in earnest in December. Neneng used to be fascinated with snow the first year she came to America, but now she hated it. It was too cold, and it bit through her clothes even under four layers.

Businesses competed in making their buildings the most festive building of the year. Ofel took Neneng ice skating, and then they had a little photoshoot under the giant tree at the crowded main plaza. Ofel taught her how to make Facebook collages on her phone. There were so many color, sticker, and texture options! Her photos looked so interesting with the new layouts. Her relatives burned with envy at her posts. Many of them asked her questions about the wonders of America.

Back home, her sister decided to throw a party for all their other relatives. Sponsored by you, of course! Even if she wasn’t there, she glowed with pride. Nobody in their family ever thought she’d be the successful one, and yet here they were. Liza showed off new jeans her sister brought her, and even Marvin Skyped with her once. His face was starting have a more definite shape. He was shedding off that baby fat.

The man invited her over to stay for Christmas and Christmas Eve. He had rooms upstairs that weren’t being used, so he thought she could get comfortable there, just for a couple of days. He was so uncharacteristically solemn and anxious during the days leading up to it that she agreed just because she didn’t want him to hurt anybody. He asked her if she could decorate the house a little, then stuffed a handful of bills into her front shirt pocket to buy supplies with. She put up a few stockings, new table cloths, Christmas lights, and a small Christmas tree at the living room. It made him feel a bit better.

The day before Christmas Eve, he taught her how to get to his house without him having to pick her up. She had to take two buses, then walk down a beaten down path towards the suburbs. He told her that the mountain road near his house lead to the next state.

She headed to his house in the afternoon, carrying paper bags filled with groceries. The streets were alight with Christmas decorations. Crowds of locals and tourists alike filled every street. A billboard with a smiling model dressed as Mrs Claus stared at her during traffic hour, bent down to show off her breasts, asking her if she had a big, fat, juicy roast this Holiday season. She saw a downtrodden mall Santa drag his feet through the sidewalk, sipping alcohol from a brown paper bag. 

In the man’s suburb, houses were either alight and full of people or empty, presumably on holiday. All of the houses at the suburb boasted colorful Christmas decorations except the man’s. It was depressing to look at from outside. Neneng was sure his neighbors did their best to stay away. She entered his house.

“Happy Christmas Eve,” she said. She saw the man at the couch, festive in a Christmas sweater and drinking beer. The living room lights were turned off, so it was only illuminated by the kitchen light and flashing Christmas lights. When she got closer, she saw he was watching pornography, or snuff, she couldn’t tell yet. He had his cock in his hand. 

“That’s not a saying, mom,” he said.

“Yes, well… your penis, put it away! I cannot cook in these conditions.” She made a disgusted face as she put on her apron. “Ugh.”

He rolled his eyes and zipped his pants up. He lumbered into the kitchen after her, normally elegant movements dulled by alcohol. He sat on one of the chairs at the table, aspiring to bother her, she was sure.

“What are you cooking?”

“I’m cooking chicken, spaghetti, and fruit cocktail.” 

“You don’t have turkey? It’s Christmas! We need a turkey!”

Neneng huffed and pushed her hair back. “I don’t know how to cook turkey. I am making chicken. It’s just as good.” 

He scrunched up his nose. “Actually, chicken’s better. You’re right. Turkey takes way too long to make and it always ends up gross and dry. Is the spaghetti sweet?”

“I only make sweet spaghetti.” She shooed him away.

“That wasn’t a complaint!” He raised his hands defensively and walked backwards back into the living room. “Fine, fine, I’m leaving.”

“Don’t watch those movies anymore! Watch something nice. Something Christmas-y. You can learn something.”

He groaned. “Fiiiiine.”

With the man out the way, she could concentrate on cooking a big meal just before midnight. To his credit, he did watch something more Christmas-y on the TV. It was that Jack Skellington Disney movie. Neneng didn’t keep up with cartoons, so she had no idea what it was about.

She’d rather be cooking a Christmas dinner for her children. She decided she’d work for the man for a few more months, just to earn enough money to be sustainable for a while, then go back to the Philippines and forget all this ever happened. Mothers carried terrible burdens, didn’t they? What was one more? She didn’t have a more concrete plan after that. Maybe she’ll buy a house and open up a salon.

They ate dinner in relative silence. The man filled his wine glass to the brim as he ate everything she cooked. He didn’t look too happy, but he looked pleased with the food, at least.

“You know, when I was younger, my parents were always away,” he said, unprompted. He was usually cagier about personal details, so this caught her by surprise. “Dad was a businessman. He went on business trips, or sex trips with his secretary, me and mom never really figured out which was which.” He sniffed. “Mom. Mom was an alcoholic. T’was funny ‘cause her workplace, it was exactly next to the bar. So after work she’d just walk a few feet to the bar and get wasted for the night. She’d come home in a bad mood every time. It was best to stay away.” He downed half of his glass in big gulps. “Like mother like son.”

“Did you take care of yourself all alone?”

“No, not at all. M’dad knew mom was a piece o’ shit, so he hired this nanny for me. Her name was Celine, but she told me to call her Nanay. Tagalog for ‘mother’, right? She was my mother. In the ways that mattered, at least.”

Neneng remembered the pictures in his room. There were a lot of pictures of her and none of his parents, from what she’d seen. She and Celine looked vaguely similar, but Celine had a harsh gaze and thick frown lines. “What was she like?”

He took in a deep breath. “Amazing. Someone I looked up to greatly. Nanay was special because she didn’t have hang-ups like other people. We had a dog before. She didn’t like it. She tied it up with a chain, beat it, and forgot to feed it so many times it started to eat its own poop. I’ve never seen such an angry animal before. Feral. Ready to bite at everybody that came near. It had these red eyes. I think it died because of the poop-eating. Its skin was so leathery it stuck to its bones.” 

He smiled fondly into the distance. Neneng shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Was it really that bad? Nobody in America ever chained their dog. They had whole yards to run in, or they lived in their owner’s houses like they were people. 

“I think one of the most formative things she’d ever done around me was when… we had rats in the house at some point because she loved to keep all the trash in one sack next to the door. When she saw one of them scamper away, she stepped on it. Squish! It popped like a water balloon. Guts and bloods everywhere. She didn’t care.”

“What… happened to her?”

“Old age, I suppose. Five years ago, she went to sleep and never woke up,” he said, so soft she could barely hear him. 

The man turned solemn, swirling the glass of wine in his hand. Neneng had resolved not to humanize the man, despite her fondness, because it felt too much like condoning his actions, but she couldn’t help it. From where she was sitting, he didn’t look like a killer or a horrible, irredeemable monster. He just looked sad. She sat next to him in silence and placed her hand on top of his. He curled his fingers around hers, then gave her a weak smile.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know what it’s like to lose someone you care about.”

“It’s not your fault. You’ve been nothing but the light of my life ever since you stepped foot in here.” He rested his cheek on his palm, looking wistful. “I admire you Filipinos. There’s something so undeniably simple about your way of living. When you rape children, you don’t tape it for money. When you kill, it’s out of anger or drunkenness, not premeditated in any capacity. The minute it gets a little more complex, you make that guy the president. You all openly rant about how you want to kill the poor. There’s no showboating like with us Americans. There’s just a primordial rawness, a return to our animalistic roots. People say your people are primitive, but you all know life better than we do. We’re all animals trying to survive a crazy, unforgiving world, and there’s no fault in trying to live it as selfishly as you can.”

What a horrible description. 

Neneng didn’t view Filipinos like that. She knew there were monsters out there, but not her friends, not her family members, and most certainly not her. It wasn’t fair to lump them all together like that. When she thought of the Philippines, she remembered festive gatherings, karaoke, and happy people that knew how to laugh even when things got rough. They weren’t all dog torturers and drunken rapists. There was good.

She had a feeling he was never going to understand that.

Neneng pulled her hand back. Silence stretched into infinity, wall clock marking the slow turning of time. The man stood up and stretched his limbs, yawning.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling festive.” He flashed a charming smile at her. “You know what – just bring a plate to the basement. Why not? She deserves a good Christmas dinner too.”

A chill went up Neneng’s spine.

“She?”

He didn’t answer her.

“She?”

***

Neneng flipped the basement light switch on. Her hands trembled, threatening to shake off the contents of the plate she was holding. It smelled in here. She was afraid of what she was going to encounter down there. It wasn’t going to be anything good. She stepped down the stairs gingerly.

“Hello?” Neneng asked.

“H-hello?” It was a woman’s voice. Raspy. Small and afraid. “Hello? O-oh god… Are you a part of this?”

Neneng cringed. “I am here to bring you food…”

As Neneng descended down the basement, she saw thin, pale limbs and mussed up blonde hair pressed against the wall. Chained to the wall. Naked. Both her hands and feet were bound together with cuffs. One of her eyes was swelled up and covered in pus. There was a sharp odor when she got closer, and Neneng soon realized the floor was covered with her excrement.

“W-what are you going to do to me?”

“…I am here to bring you food.” Right then, Neneng decided she wanted to be anywhere but here. The girl looked at her like she was a monster, and since she couldn’t even help her, she didn’t blame her. She placed the plate on the operating table. “Are you okay over there?”

“O-obviously not.”

“Do you… do you want me to clean up a little?”

No response. 

Neneng took the mop in the corner and mopped the mess into the nearby drain, then wiped it off with soap water to get rid of the smell. When she was done, she raised the girl’s legs to wipe her thighs and buttocks with paper towels. 

“Are you… that monster’s maid?”

“…Yes.”

“You know he does these things?”

Neneng swallowed. “…Yes.”

“It’s fucked up, right? I don’t know how you can take it. Anybody with half a heart wouldn’t be able to stomach any of this. Can you get me out? Please? Please?” She gave her a pleading look. “I’ll triple whatever he pays you, you’ll be a hero, you’ll be… my hero. It’s Christmas! I don’t want to die on Christmas.”

“I don’t have a say in this… He is just upstairs. You can’t escape, and I am just here to clean and cook food. I will ask him.”

“No! You’ve got to release me. We’ve got tools here! We can fight back! We have the element of surprise, too. He’d never expect anything.”

Was it right to kill one man to save many?

There was just one girl in the basement at the moment, but she wouldn’t be the last. Neneng couldn’t look at what was going on and act like it was okay, but she couldn’t go against the man either. She could still remember him threatening her the night they met. She was sure they had no chance to escape. He was a killer by nature. If they fought him, he could kill one of them or both. Neneng was a mother of two. She couldn’t afford to take a risk like that. We can’t presume to act like God and the Saints.

Neneng wasn’t complicit in this. She shouldn’t have any responsibility in helping her at the cost of her own safety. She avoided the girl’s gaze. She placed the plate of food on the floor somewhere the girl could easily dip down and eat from it. And then, she turned around and headed back upstairs.

“You’ve got to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me,” the girl said quietly, voice trailing. “Fuck you! Fuck you immigrant bitch! When I die here, I want you to know it’s your fuckin’ fault! You didn’t do anything! Not a damn thing! You could’ve, but you didn’t, and now my blood is in your hands! I hope the money is fuckin’ worth it!”

Neneng closed the door, but she could still hear her screaming until her throat went sore. Was she right? Was this all her fault? She knew the man was to blame, but she’d never done anything to stop him. 

Neneng pressed her back to the refrigerator, listening to the echoes of her screams. She slid to the floor and sobbed quietly. Her poor heart couldn’t take this anymore.

***

The man spun a dusty record between his hands, then put it on his record player. The image of Frank Sinatra on the cover melted into hues of gray as it spun. Music flooded the room, with Frank Sinatra’s deep voice blending harmoniously with the instruments. The man, normally a fantastic dancer, stumbled in his one-man waltz and spilled some wine on the carpet. 

“Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars,” he sang, off-beat, to the tune. “You are all I long for, all I worship and adore!”

When he saw Neneng step into the room from a corner, he slid towards her and wrapped his arm around her waist. She pushed him away. He bounced away and laughed.

“I am in no play mood right now. I need to talk to you,” Neneng said firmly.

“I had a feeling you were going to say that. Let me guess: What’s going on is awful, and you want me to let her go?”

“I –” She looked down in shame. “How did you know?”

“It was either that or you were going to team up with her and stab me with my own torture materials. I’m glad we can have this discussion, though. Talking is hard, and I appreciate that you see me as someone you can talk to.” He smiled at her and placed a hand on her shoulder. “The answer is no. I won’t let her go.”

“Why!?” Neneng’s face turned red with anger. “Why even send me downstairs?”

“Because! And – listen to me very carefully – I want you and me to be close. No secrets. No scampering about. Nanay helped me with this stuff years ago. I think you and me have the potential to be something like that again. No, better, like... like Bonnie and Clyde! And if you’re going to be a big part of my life, you might as well see all the shit I’ve been doing, right?”

“I can’t believe this… She was crying and screaming at me. She said her blood is going to be on my hands.”

“Mom, that’s all nonsense. They’re gonna say anything to guilt trip you. It’s best to just laugh it off ‘cause, pfft, what else are they gonna do?” He shrugged. “Forget about it. You didn’t hurt her at all. Why don’t I take you to one of my guest rooms, and we can go to IHOP in the morning?”

He wrapped an arm around her waist and herded her upstairs.

***

Neneng could barely sleep knowing the girl still needed her help. She tossed and turned, and when she finally got some shut eye, she had a horrific nightmare. 

In her dream, she had just died. She got sent to the pearly gates to await judgment. The archangels told her that no matter how hard she worked and how kind she was to other people, her own greed killed human lives, and for that, they cast her out into Hell. They locked her in the man’s basement. For eternities, she descended down the stairs, closer and closer to the flames. At the foot of the stairs was the girl’s corpse. She grabbed at her leg with a shriveled up, leathery hand. Why didn’t you help me?

Neneng woke up in a cold sweat. In that dark room, she couldn’t help but think about how she was lying on a luxurious bed while there was a living, breathing human being in a room below her curled up naked and covered in her own feces, waiting for death. This wasn’t fair. If that girl died, it was all going to be her fault. In the room behind her, she heard the mattress squeak and the man groan before complete, utter silence. She hopped off the bed and made her way down towards the basement, steps as light as a mouse. She flipped the light switch on.

“Hello?”

No response. 

Neneng went further down to check where she was. When the girl came into full view, her face was planted on the plate full of food she put down for her. Neneng, very gently, lifted her head up and saw a freshly deceased corpse, eyes rolled back and face covered with spaghetti sauce. There was a large bump in her throat. It was likely suicide. 

She could feel every nerve in her body shaking. She’d never felt this distressed in her entire life before. She wasn’t cut out for this line of work. It was torture. 

No amount of money was worth her soul. She made a sign of the cross to the corpse. May she forever rest in peace.

“Why…” She swallowed. “Why did you have to go and stain my hands like that?”

***

They drove south around the mountains for three hours. The landscape changed from the concrete towers of the city to long stretches of pine trees. She saw the sunrise in the horizon, stunning in its splendor, but all she could feel was spite that she had to see it in these circumstances.

The man was pissed when she woke him up to tell her about the girl. Chicken? Why the fuck would you give her chicken? He raged and ranted about his dashed plans, temper at a boiling point. Eventually, he ran out of steam and told her to get more sleep. He needed peace and quiet to think so he could come up with a plan to get rid of the body because the drum in the basement was still full of gunk from his last victim. 

At five AM, he woke her up and dragged a cooler to his car. She didn’t even want to know what he did with the body.

They ended up at a forest. The frost hasn’t completely taken over here. There was snow, but they gathered up in bunches instead of covering the entire area. The ground was mostly dirt, but there were sickly strands of grass poking out here and there. It probably wasn’t legal to park on the side of the road like that, but she didn’t think he cared. Neneng refused to help him carry the cooler, so he dragged it deep into the forest on his own. She followed behind him, looking unhappy about it all.

“I don’t know why you’re acting so mopey about this,” the man said as they climbed a hill to get to the river. He tried to look past her to see if there was any traffic. The road was empty. No one in their right mind would be traveling to this area after Christmas morning. “It’s your fault she choked on that chicken. Why did you have to give her the bony parts? You should’ve just cut off the meats so she could eat it easier. Duh! Stupid, stupid…”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I may not have finished high school, but I am not stupid. I know things you don’t.”

“What’s that, huh? Cooking? Scrubbing toilets? Getting knocked up by a douchebag then letting him leave you? Huh?”

Neneng gritted her teeth. “I know not to steal girls! On Christmas! When you said dinner, I expected dinner. I didn’t sign up to help feed your torture victims. You say you like me, but you don’t respect me. I’m sick of it. I don’t do crimes. I’m not a bad person like you.” 

He dumped the contents of the cooler into the river. Piles of meat dropped into it in huge, ugly chunks. The sight of it made Neneng want to puke. “Well, tough shit, you’re getting rid of a body with me now! Sorry I had to ruin your purity, but that’s America, baby! You’re not going back home the same woman, and your kiddos won’t be the same as you remember them. That’s life! Welcome to the real world! Merry Fuckin’ Christmas!”

When he was done getting rid of the contents of the cooler, he got into the car with her. Neither of them looked at the other. Tension was thick, so he turned on the radio. It played one of the latest pop hits. The man turned on the engine and drove back into the road.

He was the first one to break the silence.

“Mom?” He nudged her with his elbow. She gave him a sharp look, then kept her gaze outside the window. Tears stung at the edges of her eyes. “You know, even if you’re upset right now, I still think this is kind of sweet. It’s like I’m in a car ride with a pissed off parent. That feels normal, you know?”

The drive went on without a response. He was starting to get nervous, fingers twitchy at the driving wheel. He breathed in. “Do you wanna get pancakes, mom?”

“I want to go home,” she said, voice tired.

“We can get pancakes, then go home. It should cheer you up somewhat.”

She didn’t want pancakes, but she knew she had no choice in the matter. 

There was a Denny’s in this area. It was next to a gas station and a bus stop. They were the only three buildings for miles. To Neneng’s surprise, there were already people there, most of them hungover or passing by. 

The clock said ten AM. The man ordered waffles with berries on top while he got her chocolate chip pancakes. After about fifteen minutes, they both got their orders. The man ate his food heartily while Neneng poked at it until it got cold. 

She didn’t know what to do now. She was at a loss. The more she stayed with him, the more she knew he wasn’t going to change. He’d just build her up then knock her down over and over. She was too old for this young man’s games. 

She could leave now. There was a bus stop here. She could hop on one and find her way back to town on her own. She knew he’d be angry, but it was broad daylight. There were people here. He wasn’t the type that would dare start a scene.

“Iho (Child),” she said. He looked up from his food and leaned in. “I don’t think I can be involved in this anymore. I quit.”

She stood up and headed for the exit.

“Mom?”

The door closed behind her.

III.

Neneng walked down a dark hallway. The closer she got, the further away the light moved. The darkness was lonely and oppressive, but the light up ahead threatened her to stay away from its pulsating glow. It was an electric blue that created shadows so thick that the transition from light to dark was a hard line. She walked towards it for hours, days, and even entire lifetimes before she got close enough to the source of the glow.

A door, slightly ajar. She peaked inside.

It was a familiar bed with two people on top of it. A woman’s legs spread with a man between it. At first, she thought they were making love, but she noticed the faint glow of metal wire around the woman’s neck. The man tugged on it. The woman choked and struggled, desperately trying to get him off but failing. Neneng knew who she was. The woman chained up at the basement. Her hair was blonde as wheat, but it was streaked with blood. Their eyes met. A weak hand reached out to her.

“Help me,” she said. But her body was dumped in a river, wasn’t it?

“Help me,” she said again, this time wearing her daughter’s face.

Neneng opened the door. The man didn’t seem to hear her, preoccupied with playing with the string. As she crept around, she noticed he had a box of tools sitting at a nearby desk. She picked up a hammer and smashed it into his head. His skull cracked open. Instead of red blood, pitch black slime poured out. She smashed it in again. The man’s red hair turned black and horns shot out of his forehead. With her third blow, he fell on top of her daughter, two bloody corpses – one of them a demon.

Neneng woke up that morning already crying.

***

Even though she was out of his grasp, she could still feel his influence hanging over her head. She hadn’t gotten any restful sleep the last two weeks. It made her tired during the day. She couldn’t think of what she wanted to do now. Time slipped from her fingers like sand. She thought the nightmares would be over after she resigned, but they only got worse. She fantasized often about the man’s revenge – it will come, and it will be terrible. She was sure of it.

She should tell the cops.

Would she get in trouble for working with him?

There was another more pressing question – did it matter?

Neneng had children that were waiting for her at home, but even though she was never directly responsible, she still let the murders happen around her. She owed it to those women to bring him to justice. It wasn’t going to bring them back... but it was her moral obligation to do something anyway. 

She found out the name of the blonde woman in his basement. Andrea Baker. She’d seen her missing person poster in the street. It was a selfie of her in a sports jersey, skin tanned and muscles tight, with bright eyes and a carefree smile. She was a runner. Sporty girls always had that fiery spirit. Even pale and naked as she was in that dark room, Neneng knew she was a fighter, and much braver than she could possibly be. 

Unlike the rest of the man’s victims, he took Andrea from a district just beyond the bridge, near his house. It was uncharacteristically sloppy. He was drinking constantly around December, so it wouldn’t be far off to assume that Andrea’s kidnapping wasn’t premeditated. He might’ve done it just to make himself feel better. He was bad with his impulses.

Neneng hadn’t explored the neighborhood near the man’s house aside from the grocery store and the market. There was a bustling city area here too, but the businesses set up were for leisure and entertainment. There were a great number of shops, restaurants, bars, and cafes here. People here were more stylishly dressed. There were men with thick beards and beanies, and women with face piercings and dyed hair. The population was significantly whiter, so Neneng felt out of place. It took a bit of asking around, but she finally found the police station.

It wasn’t as busy as she thought. She found a reception desk as soon as she came in. When she said she had a report, they gave her a form. She didn’t know how to answer a lot of it, so she filled out her name, Neneng Iglesias, and wrote down that she was here to report murders. She was redirected to a desk inside. There was a detective sitting there who looked older than her. Gruff. He was sipping coffee and reading the newspaper when she came in. Neneng approached him, posture hunched and nervous, not wanting to bother him. When he saw her, he already looked annoyed.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Sir… Andrea Baker, I know where she is.”

“Baker… The missing girl?” He dropped his newspaper on the table and leaned closer. “We’ve been lookin’ for her two weeks and we haven’t found a single goddamn trace. Yer sayin’ you know where she is? Can you tell me more?”

She nodded. “Y-yes, she’s dead, sir. She… got kidnapped by a man.”

“A man, you say! What did he look like?”

“Tall… he’s got red hair, black eyes, and a big nose.” She tried to draw the shape of his nose in the air over her own to try and show him how big.

“Anything else you know? Plate number?”

“No… I know where he lives, though.”

“Do you know the address?”

She didn’t. She shook her head. “I can show you…”

The detective set off with Neneng and his partner. They got in a cop car. The partner drove as the detective pressed Neneng with more questions. She was starting to get disoriented because of how fast he was going.

“So you know this man?”

Neneng nodded.

“How? Is he a… a neighbor, or something?”

“I worked for him. I cleaned his house from time to time.”

“You knew he kidnapped her?”

“Was this some sorta – domestic dispute?” his partner asked, chiming in from the back seat. “Some guys do that. They date girls, they break up…”

“Andrea was eighteen, Mike. She’s still livin’ with her parents.”

Neneng broke into tears. “He didn’t kill just her! He killed many more! All those girls in the missing person fliers… they were all his! He took them! He takes women and takes video tapings of them. He was gonna kill me if I didn’t come with him and keep my mouth shut.”

“So he’s a serial killer?” The detective’s eyes widened. “Goddamn. We were hoping…”

“Seems like it, Joe,” Mike said. “We need to stop him.”

“Am I… Sir, am I in trouble? For working with him? Please, I have two kids…”

“You say he was gonna kill you if you didn’t come with him.”

“Yes...”

“Why did he want you to come with him?”

“He wanted me to clean his house.”

“Wait, he threatened to kill you because he wanted you to clean his house?”

Neneng thought about it harder. She could feel her heartbeat in her throat. “I met him… I met him taking that other girl. The one with the black hair.”

“What other girl?”

What was her name? Neneng frowned. “The missing girl… the one that lived near the inner city…”

“Samantha Cooke?” Mike asked. “She was one of the girls that went missing a few months ago. She’s why the chief’s been up bustin’ our asses lately with these patrols.”

“Yes! Patrols! He says, he watches them so he doesn’t get caught. I was thinking… He threatened me because I saw him. He wanted me to be discrete so I don’t tell on him.”

Joe nodded. He didn’t seem convinced, but he looked like he was willing to give it a shot.

They pulled up at the man’s house. There were lights turned on from the outside. There was an odd car parked in the drive way. Neneng was giddy. He was here! The two detectives walked up to the doorway and knocked.

A middle-aged white woman carrying a baby opened the front door. She was wearing overalls, and she had her hair up in a messy bun. Neneng had never seen this woman before in her life.

“Yes, hello? Is there a problem, officers?”

Neneng walked closer to the officers, hiding a little bit behind them. She could tell this wasn’t going to go well.

“Excuse me, madame, but is there a red-headed man here? Tall, with a large nose?”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, you mean Caleb?” Was that his name? “Caleb’s the owner of the house. He’s not here right now.”

“And who are you?”

She extended a hand to shake. Joe shook it firmly. “Name’s Mist. My family’s renting this place out for the month. There’s a whole art expo next week, and a workshop after that… We’re a big artsy family. We’ve always wanted to go to an expo, but the places here are so expensive. We’re so lucky we got to rent this house for cheap! My daughter sculpts and she…”

“Madame, are you aware that Caleb’s been involved in suspicious behavior?”

For some reason, Mist narrowed her eyes at her. “No. And I don’t think he ever will. Caleb’s a darlin’ soul, sirs, and – that’s his cleaning lady, ain’t it?”

“Yes, she is.”

Mist rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t trust a word that comes out of that devil’s mouth. She’s been givin’ the poor boy such a hard time, she might as well have ruined his life.”

What?

There was confusion among the three of them. Mist invited them inside and seated them on the couch. She served the cops tea and cookies. She made a point not to serve Neneng any. She was mortified.

The man’s place looked different. There were different couch cushions, rugs, and table cloths. The TV and DVD player were still there, but the DVDs on his bookshelf were replaced with hardcover coffee table books, magazines, and cute little knickknacks. Did he redecorate? His place actually looked decent now. There were all sorts of children’s toys and clothes all over the couch, none of which was the man’s. If she didn’t know better, she would’ve thought the woman and her family were the original tenants.

“Mist…” Joe began, clearing his throat. “Me and my partner are a lil’ confused here. What did you mean Ms Iglesias ruined Caleb’s life?”

“I only know what he told us, sirs, but he said earlier this month that he found out his cleaning lady’s been nicking his savings clean, right after he was so kind to spend such a nice Christmas with her too. When he confronted her about it, she ran away. He tried to contact her on her mobile but she ain’t answered any of his calls. Eventually he had to stay with his aunt on accounta his medical needs.”

“That’s a lie! She’s lying!”

“Please! Ms Iglesias. Calm yourself.”

It was obvious on their faces who they believed more. It looked like Joe wanted to give her a chance, at the very least.

“Mist. Do you know if Caleb’s been involved in suspicious activity?”

“No, sirs, he don’t strike me as the type.”

“How so?”

“Caleb’s such a sweet lad. He told us he’s been sickly all his life and he has a hard time talkin’ to people. But he’s passionate. He says he loves film and directin’. He showed us some of his stuff! One video was him followin’ a cat ‘round town and playing Hall of the Mountain King, it’s so silly…”

Joe and Mike exchanged looks.

“Do you think… it’s possible Caleb is a serial killer, Mist?”

Mist laughed. “Oh good heavens, no! Caleb? A serial killer? He’s so clumsy, I think he’d get caught if he tries. That’s just nonsense. Why… and women… That boy is as gay as a rainbow, trust me on this. His boyfriend came to pick him up ‘fore we left. I saw ‘em banter and kiss.”

The two cops excused themselves so they could talk in the kitchen. Mist got up and stood near the window, cooing and bouncing on her feet for her baby. The baby giggled.

Were Neneng and Mist talking about the same person? It was impossible that he got someone similar-looking to play a role for him though. His features were too bold for something like that. He was crafty for sure, and he had a way with words. He could disappear into a role if he wanted. He was always paranoid about getting caught, so it was possible he concocted a plot like this as early as the diner. She slumped into the couch, closing her eyes so she could focus and listen in on the two cops’ conversation in the kitchen.

“…well, what do you think is more likely, Joe? That we have a serial killer on our hands, or that we have an immigrant nicking money from a poor boy? Mist said he had to leave to go to another state ‘cause she took his medicine money, this is all a ruse…”

“…she cried in the car, Mike, do you think she’s that good of an actress? He could’ve set this up ‘cause he couldn’t get her to keep her mouth shut…”

“…remember what our professor told us about Occam’s Razor? We hear shit about immigrants taking things all the time…”

“…gee, Mike, after five years in the force, you’re really gonna hit me with this? Three girls are missin’ and this is the only lead we have…”

She stared at the basement door. Should she…? Would the man clear it out? He probably would, but there should be something, shouldn’t there? Didn’t he say he had a hard time cleaning it up? There should be blood stains or torture materials. He couldn’t be that thorough. She cleared her throat. “U-um, officers, please – check the basement. That’s where he makes his films.”

Neneng opened the door. Mike piped in to tell them they didn’t have a warrant, but they were already heading down the stairs.

The basement was different. His washing machine and dryer were down here instead of upstairs. There was an ironing board and a clothesline. His shelves had toolboxes, but none of his torture materials. No fridge. No drum. The floors and walls didn’t have any blood on them. How? Neneng touched one of the spotlights.

“This! This, this, this, see? He uses this for his videos.”

“Joe, didn’t Mist say he likes films and directing?”

“Then test the floors! The walls! You can find something! Do you not have DNA testing?”

Joe rubbed the back of his neck. “We’d need a warrant. And a forensic team. But to be honest, Ms Iglesias, we’re not really convinced right now.” He sighed and put his hand down. He reached out to touch her shoulder. “Look, I know yer not gonna admit to stealing his money but… yer making this a bigger deal than it needs to be.”

Neneng trembled with anger. “I didn’t steal his money! I told you he threatened me! Why is it so hard for you to believe me!? I saw the girls with my own eyes! I saw them die! And you’re telling me everything I’ve seen is fake!?”

Joe and Mike exchanged looks. Mike led them back upstairs. “Alright, Ms Iglesias. We’ll keep asking around.”

***

The first neighbor they asked was another white middle-aged woman. Neneng was starting to get sick of them. She was wearing an apron, and she said she couldn’t be interviewed for long. She had a roast in the oven.

“What do I know about the man?” She puckered her lips, tapping her sharp red nails on the wooden surface of the fence. “We never talked much. Mostly whenever I see him, he’d compliment my flowers and tell me to have a nice day.”

“Have you noticed any suspicious activity lately?”

She shook her head. “Uh-uh. Why? Should I be concerned?”

“We’re looking into it currently. No need to be alarmed.” Joe tipped his hat at her. “Have a good one, ma’am.”

There were very few people in the neighborhood that knew the man. When they did, they would tell him that he seemed like such a nice man, but he never befriended anyone. Some people noticed the different cars and him coming home late at night, but another one brought up that the man told him he worked erratic night hours, so it didn’t go well in her favor. That social anxiety excuse kept popping up. It was all lies. He was never anxious.

In detective shows, the more detectives asked, the clearer the puzzle would become. It wasn’t the same in real life. They got the same tiring responses over and over. Neneng wondered, if someone got killed in her building, would she be able to answer questions? Maybe Ofel could. She knew a lot about their neighborhood. But outside of the man and church, Neneng didn’t know about anything going on around her. How could she fault other people for being the same?

At last, they ended up at an old woman’s house. She was bound to know something, right? When they asked her about Caleb, she had to be reminded of who that was. That wasn’t a good sign. They told her he was the man that lived at the end of a street. She nodded in recognition, and then talked about how she’d seen him as a child with his little girlfriend all the time. He had a nanny that looked like Neneng.

“Do you know what he’s up to now?”

The old woman shrugged. “Whatever young people are up to these days.”

There was no one else to be interrogated.

They headed back to the police car. Both the cops looked tired. She knew they didn’t believe her, but there had to be a way to convince them. It was impossible he thought of everything. Mike looked about ready to slap her, but Joe weakly defended her. They went back to the man’s house and asked if he gave Mist a number to call him with. Mist said they couldn’t count on him texting and calling back right then, said he was going to be busy with familial affairs, but they called his phone anyway. The number he used here was entirely new. She wouldn’t be surprised if it was a burner phone.

They called him three times. He didn’t answer for the first two. At the third, Joe planned on giving up, but a soft-spoken male voice picked up. It wasn’t the man. “Hello?”

“Hello, is this Caleb?” Joe asked.

“Kyle. But this is Caleb’s phone.”

“Kyle?”

“Boyfriend.”

“Can we talk to Caleb, Kyle?”

“Who is this?”

Joe and Mike exchanged looks. “We’re local detectives, Kyle. We got a recent report that Caleb’s been involved in suspicious activity. Can we talk to him?”

“Caleb’s not here right now. He’s at the hospital.”

“Why?”

“Check-ups, I think. He’s been forgetting to go to the doctor for check-ups, so his aunt’s been fussing at him.”

“What time d’you think he’ll be back?”

Kyle sighed. “I don’t know! Trust me, if I can predict how fast hospital lines go, I’ll be giving you a magical number right about now. Look, what kinda suspicious activity has he been involved in?”

“We’d rather not say.”

“But you want me to spill every detail of my boyfriend’s life. Okay.” 

“You two’re dating, you say. Have you ever seen him engaging in suspicious activity?”

“He takes records from my apartment that he never gives back. He breaks into people’s yards to take pictures of their cats. Why? Are you going to take him to jail for that?”

Mike made a face.

“Are we done, officers?”

“Why do you have his phone, Kyle?”

“Because he’s a dumbass and he left it on our nightstand? Why else?”

“Alright, Kyle. Thanks for yer cooperation.”

“Good talk.”

Kyle hung up.

***

The three of them stood around the cop car. It was night now. The sky was dark overhead. People were coming home from work, filling up their garages with cars and turning on their dining area lights for dinner. Little mosquitos and moths flitted around the streetlamps. All of them were tired. Neneng herself couldn’t shake off the guilt of dragging the detectives here. She was sure she was going to find something, but he was five steps ahead of her. In her exhaustion, she was even starting to question her own version of the events. Maybe it was all a bad dream, and she mixed up fantasy with reality again. She hadn’t been sleeping well. She wasn’t in her right mind.

“Well, Joe?” Mike asked, patience wearing thin. “You wanna keep up this wild goose chase, or are you ready to call it quits?”

“It doesn’t add up...” Joe trailed off, hand at the handle of the car. “Why would Ms Iglesias lie about something like that?”

“I didn’t lie!” Neneng gritted her teeth.

“I believe you, Ms Iglesias,” Joe said, tired. “But I believe everyone else too. I don’t think I’ll know anything fer sure ‘til I get to talk to that Caleb fellow.”

“Remember what we talked about, Joe,” Mike said, giving him a pointed look.

“I know, Mike.”

They boarded their car.

“Wait!” Neneng ran up to the driver’s seat where Joe was. He pulled down his window. “So you’re giving up just like that?”

“Like I said, Ms Iglesias, if we looked into this more, we’d need a warrant and a team. But right now, we don’t have any grounds for that. It’ll be hard to convince the chief.” She must’ve looked devastated, because Joe reached out to touch her arm. He gave her a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry. I promise I, personally, would keep lookin’ into it. You want a ride back to the station?”

Neneng shook her head.

They drove off. She stood there as she watched their vehicle get smaller in the distance, heartbeat loud in her throat. They wanted grounds. Maybe she could get them some. She remembered chunks of Andrea’s remains as he dumped them in the forest river.

It was likely there was still even a little bit of something there, right?

***

Neneng spent all night wading through the forest river, using only the light of her phone to look for even just a small chunk of Andrea’s DNA. She’d never been so terrified in her life. There were wolves in the forest, and she heard them howl all throughout the night. Insects bit her. Her calves clenched, searing pain up her legs because of the cold waters. She swore she saw shadows of the man lurking at the periphery of her vision.

She thought about a lot of things as she waded through those waters. How did she end up in a situation like this? Her life had been remarkable and mundane up until this point.

Back in the province, she had been fed stories of how life in the city was so much more glamorous than in the province. They had cars, cable TV, and flashy fast food places that were open all day and night. Neneng had first eaten a McDonald’s fried chicken at ten years old in the city, and from that moment on, she had decided she was going to find a life there. When she had been old enough, she traveled to Manila to look for a job, but hardly any establishment wanted to hire a girl with no High School education. She had ended up a janitress during weekdays, and a laundry lady on the weekend. One landlord had hired her to do his complex’s laundry. Among the tenants there was her ex-husband.

His name was Marcus. He wasn’t a handsome man, but he was charming. He had used that charm to make her do laundry he didn’t want to pay for, but eventually he started being nice to her. He had gotten her a bag of oranges one day. It was a small, kind gesture, but she felt an unspeakable gratitude towards the first man that was generous enough to think of her. After she had eaten all the oranges in one night, she knew she had fallen in love.

She acted differently around him from that day on, and he had noticed. He started being nicer to her. He would visit her in the dark, back area where she did the laundry. He kissed her one day, then touched her the next. When they had met again the next weekend, he invited her to a bar after work.

It wasn’t a very reputable bar. In the daylight, the walls were a peeling pink and covered with de-saturated posters of curvaceous, oiled up models advertising drinks and karaoke at outrageously cheap prices. In the night, it had neon lights, loud music, and out of tune men singing the same old hits.

Marcus had gotten them both beer. Neneng had only tasted beer once as a child. She remembered it as bitter and unappealing. You don’t drink for the taste, her father had said once in her childhood as he laughed at her. She had taken a sip and cringed. Marcus said the same thing.

Neneng drank one bottle, and then another. She couldn’t remember anything other than nausea after that part. The loud conversations around her disoriented her. The salty snacks made it worse. She went to the bathroom and doubled over at the sink, but no vomit came out.

Marcus had entered the bathroom right after her. He was drunk, but his eyes were intense. He locked the door behind him, and wordlessly, took her as a woman against the sink. She could remember the smell of piss and a message written in sharpie on the mirror. It said: Live fast, die young! Neneng had never been afraid of Marcus, but even as she thought back, she didn’t find the experience pleasant. 

His attention after had been the most addictive thing in the world. Neneng had found out she was pregnant a few weeks after. She thought a drunkard like him would bail the moment he heard, but he asked her to live with him. He had doted on her during her entire pregnancy. He had stopped drinking, and when he got home from work, he would sit down and massage her feet. They got married – nothing fancy, just a certificate and a small gathering of friends in the area. They had their first child, Eliza.

Marcus hadn’t wanted a girl. Around this time, Neneng had become aware of a growing rift between them. He rarely came home at night, and when he did, he’d pass out reeking of alcohol. Neneng had gained a lot of weight after she gave birth too, and it was sadly a weight she wasn’t going to be able to get rid of, not with her family’s genetics. She had been fat, unattractive, and stank of rotten milk and sweat.

One day, when he came home from work, he held her and said, hey, let’s have a baby boy.

With God’s generosity, Neneng had given him a baby boy, Marvin. Marcus stuck around for a few years after that, trying to parent and support their children. But he still felt lost. Whatever his hopes had been for Marvin, they were unfulfilled. He left their home five years later, right into the arms of his mistress. Neneng held onto their place until they were forced to evacuate and move in with her sister.

Neneng never had high hopes for herself. She only wanted stability. Her marriage didn’t pan out as well as she hoped, but her children were good. They were everything she ever wanted. Maybe if she worked hard enough, she could provide them a future she could never afford in her youth.

It was why she was in the States now. 

Everything for them.

The sun was up now. She ended up further away from the bank where she started. She waded back to shore, miserable and tired but determined to survive through this. As soon as she set foot on dry land, she realized there were all sorts of prickly insects and plants clinging to her pants and shoes. She swatted off as many as she could, but many were determined to stick to the fabric. Defeated, she decided that she was just going deal with this at home. 

She boarded a bus back to the city, and fell asleep as soon as she sat down. She was woken up when the bus reached her stop at around noon.

There was a large traffic of people around the area she lived in. When she got past the crowd, she realized there were cop cars in front of her place. Oh no. She didn’t want to deal with this right now. As she got closer, she saw Ofel and other residents being interviewed. Ofel looked at her as she got closer. Was it because of her haggard look?

“Alright, Ms Fabia. Thank you for your cooperation,” the cop said before he left with his car. Ofel waited for the car to get out of sight before reaching out to touch Neneng’s arm.

“Who…?”

“Back in our room,” Ofel said firmly, leading them upstairs. Neneng followed suit. Ofel locked the door behind them as soon as they got inside. She listened outside to check if anybody could be eavesdropping, then stalked over to Neneng. “Anong nangyayari, Neng? (What's happening, Neng?) That cop was asking me if you’ve been stealing large sums of money from a former employer. That’s crazy.”

“I have not!”

Ofel looked at her flatly. “That is what I told them. I don’t want you to get deported… Marami ka pang pinapakain. (You still have mouths to feed.) But I don’t believe you. You’ve been spendthrift the last couple of months. You won’t even tell me how you got the money.”

Neneng squirmed. “I can’t…”

“Why? Even after I lied for you? It’s something illegal, isn’t it? What is it? Are you a prostitute?”

“No! Of course not. It’s a job. A cleaning job.”

“That doesn’t sound right. Maybe you are a cleaning lady, why are you freaking out then?”

“…I met a bad man on the job.”

“What kind of bad man? Holdaper? (Kidnapper?) Gang lord?”

“I can’t tell you… I’m afraid he will do something bad. That’s why I quit.”

Ofel leaned closer. From her expression, it looked like she believed her. Thank god. “He’s not going to come here, is he?”

Neneng furrowed her eyebrows. She couldn’t answer that.

“Pambihira… (Unbelievable) I don’t want any part of this, okay?” Ofel rubbed her forehead. “If you want to ruin your life, sige, go lang, (fine, go for it) but I have a job and a life here. Think about people other than yourself.”

Neneng looked up at her, eyes burning. She had so much to say. Thinking about other people was what got her in this in the first place. How dare she call her selfish? Ofel gave her a challenging look, daring her to talk back at her, but she couldn’t. In the end, Ofel sighed and grabbed her pack of cigarettes on the table. She muttered a string of curses and left the room, slamming the door on her way out. 

Neneng closed her eyes and wondered, if she could’ve said anything, what would she have said? She wanted to promise Ofel that she could bear this responsibility on her own, but that would be a lie. She couldn’t promise that to anybody. She knew that as long as the man was out there, he would be waiting for the perfect opportunity to retaliate against her, and the more this stretched on, the more brutal his response was going to be. Anybody within her social circle could be his next target. She tried to stop him today, but he was far smarter than she anticipated.

She wasn’t safe here anymore, and everybody who knew her wasn’t going to be either. She inhaled, shakily, and decided that she was going to go back to the Philippines at the end of the month. At that point, she would delete all her social media and move somewhere remote so he couldn’t find her. If he was angry enough to hunt her down, she was going to make it extremely difficult for him to do so.

She lied down on her bed. As soon as she woke up, she was going to look up flight schedules.

***

It took a couple days and a few thousand dollars, but Neneng managed to arrange a one-way trip back to the Philippines at the end of the month. It was costly, but she didn’t want to stay longer than she needed to. 

She had one priority before she had to leave: Survive. It was going to be over soon. She just needed to stay alive before she reached that finish line.

Neneng spent all her time at church. There were services on Thursdays and Sundays. One Sunday, the church celebrated Jim’s ordination to priesthood. He held his first mass. He was clumsy and he stuttered at times, but Neneng was confident it was something he could get used to with practice. His family sat in the front row for the duration of it. His wife took a lot of pictures.

After the service, Father James invited everyone to celebrate at his house. His mother prepared a wonderful feast for the occasion – trays after trays of spaghetti, lumpiang shanghai, fried chicken, puto, pancit, kare kare, and even a good chunk of lechon. Neneng drooled at the sight of it all. She hadn’t had good Filipino food in years. Everyone took their time greeting and congratulating Jim. When it was her turn, she held his hand and gave him her warmest smile.

“I’m proud of you, Father. You are a good man. You will shine brightest under the service of God.”

“Aw…” He placed his hand over hers. “That means a great deal to me, sister. Will you be joining our church soon?”

She frowned. She wasn’t going to be staying here long enough to have a baptism. “I don’t know, Father. Lately, I’ve been questioning many of my decisions lately, so I don’t think I should be making any so soon.”

Father James smiled at her very kindly. “Well, you will always be welcome among our numbers, sister.”

“Thank you, Father.”

“Have you met my family?” Father James called for his family members to be introduced. An older Filipino woman, a white woman, and two of his children came over. The older woman was twenty or so years older than Neneng, aging with elegant dignity, while the white woman was around her age, plump and cheerful around the eyes. The two children were beautiful mixed girls. The older had so many similar features to Liza that Neneng was initially taken aback. “This is my mother, Magda. My wife Barb, and our kids Leia and Lilian.”

“It’s so wonderful to meet you all.” Neneng shook all of their hands. “The food looks fantastic, Magda. And your daughters are so beautiful! Leia looks a bit like my daughter, Liza. How old are you, dear?”

“Sixteen,” she said with a smile.

“Same age too! Maybe I should introduce you to each other. You might be secret twins.”

A round of laughter.

The day was a welcome change of pace for Neneng. She thought, if she could stay here, around these people, she’d feel a lot better. They were so light and good that Neneng truly believed God was watching over them, unlike all the other places in this awful country. 

Father James otold the story of Saint Mary of Egypt in his first sermon. She was a prostitute who was so disgusted by the sinful life she lived that she cast herself into the desert to atone for her sins. Through suffering, she achieved sainthood. 

Pleasure was easy to come by. True spirituality came from hardship. Neneng got tricked by the devil himself by ways of easy money. Because of her selfishness, her hands got stained. If she’d only persevered and not rushed into anything, God would’ve looked out for her and led her into a holy path. All she could do now was atone.

As the party began to slow down, Neneng stayed behind to help Magda wash all the dishes. The house was cleared of guests except for the occasional person here and there. Father James and his family already settled down in the living room to watch HBO. Magda squeezed her arm gratefully. It was cold and soapy, but not unwelcome.

“You have excellent manners, darling.”

“Thank you, lola (grandma). It was the least I could do for your incredible hospitality.” Neneng smiled at her, then took a good look of the kitchen. Marble countertops, carpeted living room, a spacious living room area, and several rooms upstairs. They were living in luxury. “Lola, you’ve done well for yourself, haven’t you? Your house is so beautiful. How did you do it?”

She seemed taken aback by the question. Neneng almost apologized for the personal question, but she said, “I met a good man years ago, after my husband left me. He’s deceased now, but he made sure I’d be provided for. It’s a better life than in the Philippines, that’s for sure.”

“Do you miss the Philippines?”

She laughed. “Who misses the Philippines? We miss the people there. We miss the food. But I’d take clean streets and cold weather any day.”

Neneng joined Father James’ family at the living room when she was done. They were watching a superhero movie. There were so many of those. Lilian seemed invested, but Leia was on her phone. Father James sat next to her, squeezing her shoulder.

“How’ve you been, sister? You always look so sad and tired when I see you.”

“I’m… I’m fine, father.” She looked down in shame and bit her lip. No, she’d lied to him enough. “Actually… I’m tired. I lost my job earlier this month and my former employer sent cops to my house.”

Leia looked up from her phone and said, “Whoa. What happened?”

Father James shot her an annoyed look and tsked. Leia rolled her eyes and focused her attention back on her phone.

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s just been stressful. They haven’t found anything, so I’m not in trouble.” She looked up at James. “Do you have anybody that cleans up the church?”

“Volunteers, mostly. Do you want the job?”

“Would that be alright?”

He paused, an expression in his face saying he was having a hard time saying no. “We wouldn’t be able to compensate you well for it. We mostly run on donations and the bishop’s generosity. Maybe a hundred every two weeks, if that’s fine for you?”

“What are my hours?”

“You want to take it?” He hummed. “Well, go in whenever you like after ten. We have plenty of rooms that need cleaning. You’ll be needed the most on Saturday. Everything else is optional. Does that sound good to you?”

Neneng nodded. “I’ll stop by tomorrow.”

***

The bus stopped at the church at around eleven o’clock. It was the first day of her new job, and she was already late. She did a quick scan of her surroundings to check if the man was hiding somewhere, watching her. She felt a little silly about it, but she couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was around somewhere. She went inside the church’s library, where many of the priests spent their free time. Father James was there showing his kids and wife a movie about Jesus. When he saw her lurk at the doorway, he flagged her over.

“So lovely to see you come in, sister. The church needs vacuuming. The library needs vacuuming too, but come back later after the movie, vacuums are terribly loud. Cleaning supplies are over at the supply closet to the left. While you wait… can you wash all the equipment upstairs?”

Neneng nodded to all of this. She scurried away, not wanting to disturb the family’s movie. She vacuumed the church’s floor, taking her time to get to every nook and cranny. The room was illuminated purely by light from the narrow windows. It felt like all the icons of saints and angels were watching her, judging her. She touched an image of Jesus, a finger tracing the lines of his features.

“I know what I’ve done is unforgivable, but there are two children that need me. I’ll live my life purely from now on. I’ll work hard and go to church every Sunday. Please. There is nobody else I can trust, Lord.” 

She closed her eyes and tried to feel God’s love like she always did in times of hardship. She’d always been convinced God watched over her, because when she sought him out, she’d feel light. Loved. God got her through her rough childhood and her abusive husband. He could get her through this. When she opened her eyes, she felt… nothing. 

Did her God abandon her? 

She didn’t let the thought sit. She headed upstairs to clean the church equipment instead.

On the table were some of the things they used for the liturgy – candle sticks, cups, spoons, and incense holder. She chipped the wax off carefully, then washed all of them in the sink. At the corner of her eye, she kept seeing movement when there was none. She wiped everything clean with her rag after. 

She could still hear the movie downstairs, so she sat down and whipped out her phone. There was a text message. She cringed as she opened it.

“God can’t hear a sinner’s pleas.” 

Neneng almost dropped her phone in fear. How did he know? He couldn’t have, unless he was in the building with them. She needed to get out of here now before anybody got hurt. She sped down the stairs and almost crashed into Leia.

Leia froze, but not because she almost bumped into. Neneng looked at her properly. She had a friend with her, a man that looked a handful of years older than her. Leia stepped away from him, but her lipstick stained his lips. It was painfully obvious what they were doing.

“Please don’t tell dad,” Leia said, voice cracking. She whipped out a handkerchief from her pocket and shoved it at the man’s face.

“Father James doesn’t know about your boyfriend?”

They exchanged panicked looks. Leia’s face burned red. “That’s because he’s not my boyfriend… He’s a deacon here. They’re not allowed to have relationships.”

Neneng’s eyes widened.

“Please, please don’t tell dad! Charles and I are going to get in so much trouble, it’s going to be such a huge problem. I’ll be grounded forever, and Charles is gonna be out in the street. You wouldn’t want to do that, do you?”

This didn’t sit right with her. What they were doing was wrong and illegal. He was way too old for her. But Neneng didn’t want to interfere, especially if it was going to affect both of their lives. She thought about her goal again. Survive. She gave them both a sheepish smile.

“If you believe in your own judgment that this is the right thing to do, then I will not stop you,” Neneng said.

The response gave Leia pause. She responded with a mild “okay”, gave Charles a long, lingering look, and then headed the other direction.

***

How did he stalk her?

After the text the other day, she was starting to get paranoid. Was this how he lived every day? Terrified of being followed and watched?

Outside, there were columns after columns of brown, dilapidated buildings and apartments. The neon lights’ tempting texts and shapes were turned off because of the harsh sunlight that came with the day. All the ads and billboards looked dull and de-saturated. The particular billboard outside their place, previously an ad for billboards, was changed into a beautiful woman with large breasts advertising a bottle of iced tea. Beyond the apartments, she could see the city skyline.

The man could be in this mosaic somewhere. She checked the drunks and morning shift workers passing by in the street, then berated herself that open view would be too obvious for him. Next, she turned her gaze towards the windows one by one, but they were too dark for her to see anything. A chilling thought passed by her mind then. What if he had her apartment bugged?

She did a quick scan of the room and found nothing out of place. But his victims never knew their apartments were bugged. He’d have to hide his cameras in places she’d never look.

Neneng spent her entire morning rummaging through her stuff. She opened up her phone, crawled under her bed, flipped Ofel’s mattress, and overturned everything within her reach. He was never going to stop following her. He was going to wait and watch her crack down from the pressure, then present himself as the better alternative. He had all these tricks to get into her head, pull on her heartstrings, and control her from the inside. The best way to watch her would be… the television!

He liked irony. It would be enough for him to put the bug there so she’d never suspect a thing. Neneng lifted the television. Nothing. It must be inside. She didn’t have any tools to open this with. She searched around the room for something to use. She found Ofel’s nail kit. Neneng didn’t know anything about the little tools here, but maybe she could use one as a makeshift screwdriver…

Somebody started knocking at her door. Neneng jumped by instinct, dropping everything she was holding to the floor. She stayed frozen before she heard her neighbor’s voice. “Neneng, yes? A person is looking for you.”

Neneng squinted. “Who?”

“They did not say. She is a girl.”

Neneng couldn’t think of any teenage girls that could possibly be visiting her in that hour, so she went downstairs and peered through the peephole. It was Leia, all formal after liturgy school. Neneng opened the door for her.

“Manang? (Miss?)” Leia offered her a box. When Neneng lifted up the top, it was puto. “Can I come in?”

Neneng nodded and let her into the kitchen. She served them both coffee so they could eat the puto together.

“Um. Thanks again for not telling dad,” Leia said, quietly. “To be honest, what you told me really made me think. I knew it was bad. I wasn’t really thinking.”

Neneng sipped her coffee and tried to gauge her sincerity. If she was lying, she was doing a damn good job of it.

“You shouldn’t fool around like that, you know,” Neneng said sternly. “What if you get pregnant? You’re so young. Focus on your studies.”

“I know. Dad said the same thing. Finish college first before dating.” A long beat. Leia squeezed her arm, as if struggling to come up for the proper words for it. Neneng leaned in to show she was listening. Leia nodded weakly. “I just don’t like being treated like a child. All my friends at school are dating. Dad says they’re all sleazy and that they’ll never amount to anything. I can’t fit in anymore. All everyone wants to talk about is boys. I held their attention for a bit because I was dating an older guy, but it stopped being interesting. Everyone moved on to the next drama! And then, when you said all that… I realized I don’t actually like Charles all that much.”

Neneng understood. When you were young, it was easy to get dazzled by the concept of love. She held Leia’s hand in her own, squeezing her fingers.

“Hey… date a nice boy next time.”

Leia cringed, then laughed. “Yes po.”

There were times when Neneng wondered if her children were going to be alright, but times like these gave her hope. Leia showed that if you gave kids a little guidance, they’d find their own paths. It was all going to be alright.

***

The bishop was visiting their State. Father James and the other church heads were excited for it. They had a lot of ideas to improve the church with, like new architecture and youth programs. Father James and his wife packed up to travel across the city to spend the weekend with the bishop. Usually, Magda would be babysitting the kids, but she said she was going to her friend’s house for a week. Leia said they didn’t need babysitting and insisted she could handle it. Father James didn’t trust her enough, so he called Neneng in.

“Fridge is stocked. No TV past nine. Tell them to do their homework Sunday afternoon so they have it done by Monday. If we’re not around by Monday morning, wake them up around six and serve them cereal. Also – don’t let Lilian eat too much candy.” Father James looked at his two kids with a smile. “Be good. I love you.”

“I could’ve taken care of us,” Leia said with a pout. Father James ruffled her hair.

“In a few years, anak (child). Not right now.”

The two were surprisingly well-behaved. Lilian played a lot of video games while Leia messed around on her phone. After lunch, Leia approached her at the sink and started cleaning the plates with her. Neneng appreciated that.

“You said you got visited by cops, the last time you were here. That’s badass. What’s that like?”

Tiring. Damp legs. No sleep. Neneng shrugged. “I don’t want to relive it. It was so nerve wracking. I was afraid I was gonna get deported.”

“Was that real, though? Like… did you really steal from that guy?”

“No!”

Leia cringed. “Alright, alright I believe you.”

She placed her plates and bowls in a neat stack. She kept glancing at Neneng, as if she wanted to tell her something. “You know, I’ve been trying this being responsible thing lately but… dad still acts like I’m a kid.”

“He’s just worried about you. He’s your father. He doesn’t wanna see you grow up so fast.”

Leia pressed her lips together, avoiding eye contact. “Maybe… I don’t know. I want to feel like I can be a grown up too. I wanna take on more responsibilities, but they won’t let me.”

“Why do you wanna grow up so fast? Don’t you wanna enjoy your youth first?”

Leia scowled. It looked like Neneng touched on a sensitive topic. She put her plate down and headed upstairs, locking herself in her room. Teenagers. Was this what they were like? Neneng wondered, if she were home, would she have had conversations like this with Liza? She almost felt happy about it. She went upstairs and knocked on her door.

“Can I come in?”

Muffled, “Yeah, I guess.”

Neneng came in. Leia was on her bed, hiding under her sheets. She touched the top of the lump lightly. “What happened there?”

Leia peeked at her from under her blanket and huffed. “Can you keep a secret? …I know you can, but no judgment please.” She took a deep breath. “I like someone. Actually like someone this time. But he’s a little older than me.”

Neneng squinted. What was with this child? Did she prefer older men? She hoped she wouldn’t get pregnant so early. She bit back any comments. No judgment.

“Sorry. It’s dumb. I met him recently. He’s really sweet. He says I’m more mature than most girls my age. I really want to impress him, I don’t have a lot to offer…”

Neneng gave her a leveled stare. “You have a lot to offer. You shouldn’t be giving it to random older men. Why not wait for a real good man that will take care of you, ha?”

“You don’t know him. You’re just judging him because he’s older. He’s kind, and sweet, and thoughtful… I feel like he really knows me. Better than anyone.”

Neneng nodded. Don’t judge. She wanted to be more mature and make her own decisions. Maybe she had a point. She was sixteen right now. If she met a man that was five to ten years older, their age gap wouldn’t even matter in ten years. It might be better for her to marry a well-to-do older man that could provide for her financially than a younger man that wasn’t sure where he was going. Still, any man that found a teenager attractive was suspect.

She was going to keep an open mind. For now.

Survive.

“Leia, I think… I think you know yourself best. If you believe you can handle it, and that this is something you want to pursue, then that’s for the best.”

Leia gave her a small smile. “Thanks. You’re pretty cool.”

Around the afternoon, Neneng called the girls downstairs for dinner. Leia was freshly bathed and wearing civilian clothes, a tight fit tank top and black skinny jeans. Lilian picked at her food, but Leia scarfed down hers pretty quick.

“Whoa, don’t eat that so fast,” Neneng said, eyes wide.

Leia stood up. “Sorry. My, uh –… he’s waiting for me outside. Is it cool if we hang at his place for a while?”

Neneng made a face.

“No judgment, right?”

“No judgment. Are you going to be responsible?”

Leia nodded, practically bouncing towards the door. “Yeah!” 

Neneng picked up the plates and rinsed them on the sink. Should she have let Leia run off like that? What if she got in trouble? Neneng walked over to the big window that overlooked the front yard. A car was parked in front of their fence. It was a blue car with dark, tinted windows. A man stepped out of the front seat.

It wasn’t just any man. It was him.

Leia hugged him in excitement, and he rocked the two of them side to side before she boarded the passenger seat. The man covered Neneng’s view of her. She saw him duck, Leia struggle for a bit, then relax. Chloroform? He closed the door. 

Neneng’s heart raced. How did he find out about Leia? How did he seduce her so quickly? What did he plan to do to her? Neneng imagined Leia stuck naked in his basement, then chopped up and dumped in the river. She ran to the yard and towards the fence. He watched her with an amused glint in his eye, leaning on the fence and waiting for her.

“What are you doing with her!?”

He flashed her a crooked grin. It was as cruel as the ones she encountered over and over in her nightmares. He opened the back seat for her, as if telling her to get in.

Neneng took a step back. “I’m calling the cops.”

“Do it, then.” He raised his chin in a challenge. “Maybe they’ll catch me. But it’ll be too late for her.”

Neneng trembled. The man did an extravagant bow and gestured for her to go in. She shot him a glare, then went inside.

How was she supposed to survive this?

***

“Did you miss me?”

Did she miss him? Why was she even asking herself that? Of course she didn’t, but in a way, she was relieved he finally came for her. She was anticipating a lifetime of chase, where he’d go to the Philippines and search every nook and cranny just to get even with her. This came earlier than she planned, but this wasn’t one of those instances where knowing was better than worrying. 

“How’d you do it? With Leia?”

“You didn’t even answer my question!” He looked straight ahead. “I saw her leave your place. A personal visit from a teen girl? Must’ve been important. She looks so much like Liza too, don’t you think? And now you’re babysitting her?” He hummed. “Feeling more motherly now, Neng?”

He was as annoying as she remembered. She stared him down. “What are you planning to do to us? You can kill me if you want. But leave Leia alone.”

He met her eyes with the rear-view mirror. He looked… sad? Sad for who? Her? Or himself? “I just want you to come back.”

“You couldn’t ask for that?”

“Would you have come if I asked?”

No response.

“I thought so. It doesn’t have to be a bad arrangement. You, me, her. You’ll work for me, and I’ll pay you. You can take care of her and satisfy your motherly urges. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

She wondered if he really believed that could work. A chilling thought came to mind. If he didn’t like that arrangement, he could just kill the two of them. She needed to find a way to get Leia and herself out of this alive. Her phone… She reached into her pocket, carefully typing out a text message to 911 out of view. 

The man parked the vehicle at the side of the road. 

Neneng huddled up to a corner, legs pressed up to her chest as she tried to send it. He smacked her in the face, disorienting her for a second, and made a grab for her phone. Neneng protested weakly as he smashed it to pieces on the headboard. He searched Leia’s pockets, took her phone, and did the same. The shards dropped and collected on the floor and around the driving stick. He flashed her a warning look.

“Try a little harder than that.”

IV.

They passed through the bridge. Neneng half-expected he’d drive towards the suburbs. He went into the city area instead, passing by the police station she went in to ask for help. Past the vibrant entertainment district, they entered a dilapidated neighborhood, but it was no less artistic. There were vegan cafes, used bookstores, cheap manicures, and neon signs advertising great and accurate fortune tellers. Most of the people that passed by looked like good-for-nothing punks with mohawks, steel collars, and tattoos. Neneng didn’t trust any of them.

The man drove into a motel parking lot. From the big pole with nothing on top of it and the empty gate station on the first floor, it didn’t seem like it was a motel anymore. A residential area, perhaps? There were plastic chairs, unused clotheslines, full trashbags, and a skinny dog tied to post across the yard, so it looked like there were people staying here for more than a few nights.

There were two floors. The ladders and walkways to get to the second floor were outside. They were made of metal – rusty and paint peeling. Most of the rooms in the area had one numbered plastic door and one slide window, usually covered with blinds. 

The man parked in front of a room, possibly where he was staying at. He exited the car first and didn’t waste any time opening the passenger seat and picking Leia up, knowing Neneng would follow. He bent his knees down and did some maneuvering to open the plastic door. As soon as Neneng got in, he locked it behind them. The door had three locks, and the window had one.

The place didn’t look nicer inside. At first glance, the living room was very Spartan – ugly armchair, coffee table, TV, internet modem, heater, and a plastic dining table with three chairs. On the table was a pizza box and empty beer bottles. There was one used bookshelf in a corner. It was filled with the man’s DVDs, camera, and toolboxes, while the shelves on top had a goat skull, bottles of what looked like ink, a paint-stained toolbox, and several books with titles Neneng couldn’t make out where she was standing. The carpet was an ugly maroon color with big stains all over it. The walls had a striped beige wallpaper, but there was a giant rip in a corner that looked like it’d been there forever. Beyond the living room, there was a narrow hallway on the left corner.

The man walked past Neneng and opened a room at the left side of the hallway. Neneng followed suit. The rest of the man’s stuff she was looking for in the basement were there – the drum, the folded up operating table, and the fridge. There was a large bed at the middle that looked recently slept on. This must be the man’s room.

He placed Leia gently on the bed. He cuffed her to the bed.

“This is where you’re living now?”

“A temporary residence. I’m staying with a friend.”

“…Kyle?”

He smiled. “He did tell me some cops called.” 

He took her wrist and cuffed her to the opposite side of the bed. Neneng tugged at the restraints. Tight. It was possible they could drag the bed with them, but they wouldn’t be able to go through the door frame. The man pulled out a necklace with all sorts of keys from inside his shirt, jingling it in front of her.

“You’re planning on keeping us cuffed here?”

“I can let you go from time to time. Not right now. You’re way too feisty right now! Forget about escaping first, then we’ll see if I can let you go so you can play, okay, sweetheart?”

She shot him a glare. “You’re despicable.”

“Oh, I know.” 

***  

The man turned off the light in the room when he left the room. He said hamsters in new houses needed a few days to get used to their new environment so they don’t die from stress. As she lied down in the dark, she started pitying hamsters. What humans did to them was horrifying, wasn’t it? Small, vulnerable, plucked out from a familiar environment… Her aunt’s daughter’s hamster had loved to gnaw at the gates and spread shavings everywhere in anger. It had died of unknown causes a week after it was bought. Neneng thought it was from stress, but now she wondered if it killed itself. That was what Andrea did. They understood death was better than entrapment, and Neneng was tempted to go down the same path.

Connections drained her, endangered her, and pushed her to keep going long after she had given up, but she rarely felt their warmth. She hadn’t held her children in years. If they weren’t related at all, she would’ve just left them to die. Were these thoughts a mother should be having? What kind of monster was she? She’d worked in this horrible country for years. The more it stretched on, the more she wanted to go home. 

Leia started to stir next to her. Neneng’s eyes had adjusted enough that she could see her even in the dark. Leia jerked awake, as if remembering, then tried to sit up on the bed, but she soon realized she was restrained.

“Hey... take it easy.”

“Manang…? Is that you? Wh – What’s going on? What happened?”

“…We got kidnapped.”

“Kidnapped!?”

“Keep your voice down. He could hear us.”

She lowered her voice. “He?”

“…Do you not remember what happened?”

Leia was quiet for a bit as she tried to remember what happened. “I… I remember Tony picking me up for our date but –” Her breath hitched. “Oh god. He chloroformed me. But – but why are you here?”

“I saw him take you to the car.” How could she keep lying about this? With some hesitation, she added, “He asked me to get in and he took us here.”

“W-why would he ask you to get in?” She paused. “You seem calm… and like you know him. Do you?”

“…I do. I worked for him.”

“You worked for our kidnapper!?”

“I just cleaned his house! I was never involved with any of his stuff!”

“His stuff… He does this a lot?”

“Yes…”

“You knew?”

That wasn’t a simple question. That was damnation. Neneng burst into tears. “…Yes.”

“What does he do, exactly?”

“It’s… too horrific to even describe.”

“Maybe you should start, because that’s what’s going to happen to us.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Sorry doesn’t fix anything.”

Neneng inhaled sharply. “He kidnaps girls and kills them on camera for money.”

“Jesus! Is that what’s going to happen me?”

“I don’t… I don’t know. He said he wanted to play house with us. He took you to get to me.”

“He… t-took me? To get to you? But I… I really thought he was interested in me.”

“He lies a lot. He says whatever the person wants to get them to do what he wants.”

“But why does he want you and not me?”

Kyle came home.

The two of them quieted down. It was lucky timing, because Neneng had no idea how to answer that. Neneng had no idea who Kyle was and what he even looked like, but his arrival was loud enough for both of them to hear. The door opened, heavy boots stomped through the living room, and the man greeted him enthusiastically from the kitchen.

“Who is that?” Leia said, voice small as a whisper. “Is that another person? Should we call for help?”

Leia didn’t even wait for her answer. She kicked around on the bed and started screaming. “Help! Heeelp! Heeeelp!!!”

From the other side of the wall, Neneng heard a muffled “what in the goddamn” before the door opened. It was only open for a few seconds as Kyle looked them over. Neneng was right. She’d never seen him before, and she couldn’t make out any of his features because they were obscured by the darkness. He was tall, lanky, and dressed in punk attire, from what she could see. He slammed the door shut.

“Cal! What the fuck!? I told you to get milk and suddenly there’s two women in my fucking apartment!?”

“I… I got milk, Kyle.”

After a bout of arguing that was too muffled for Neneng to understand and some pacing, Kyle opened the door again and flicked on the light. He stepped inside. She could make out his features now. He was around the man’s height and age, but he was skinnier, and his attire made him look younger. There were metallic piercings all over his face. He had a black shirt decorated with roses, and delicate swirling tattoos around both of his arms. He was cringing as he looked at them. The man stepped in not soon after.

“Alright, I’m keeping an open mind, like you asked, so explain yourself,” Kyle said, trying very hard to keep his voice even.

“He kidnapped us!” Leia piped in.

Kyle made a shushing gesture at her. He looked both of them over. “The older one is your cleaning lady. Sure. The teenager is…”

“My bargaining chip,” the man said, locking eyes with Leia. She shrunk. “You wouldn’t believe how obedient Neneng is when I carry the girl around. I considered cutting off Neneng’s legs once, plucking out her eyeballs and sewing up her lips so she’d be fully dependent on me for survival, but this is a lot better. I wouldn’t have to carry her around to the bathroom.”

Neneng felt sick. He considered that? And the only reason he didn’t was because it was inconvenient for him? 

Kyle shot the man a sideways glance. “What’s your plan now?”

“I was thinking we’d stay here for the meantime while The Robinsons stay at my place. I don’t want anyone eyeing me after this one made a whole show of calling the cops. I’ll relocate them as soon as I can.”

“What happens if they escape and the cops bust this place, huh? I go to jail with you?”

The man placed a hand on Kyle’s chest, making him look at him. “They won’t. I promise.”

Kyle shoved his hand away. He stomped out of the room and threw open the door across the hall. “Forget it. I don’t want to get into this stuff again, and I’m not gonna bail your ass out just ‘cause you can’t control your stupid impulses. You told me you needed a place to lay low, and this isn’t laying low…”

“Babe –”

“…I’m gonna stay with Veronica until you get this shit sorted out. When the cops show up, you tell them you broke into my house and I’ve been out the entire time. Deal?”

“Fine. I’m sorry I’ve been such an inconvenience to you, Kyle. I promise I’m not gonna drag you to jail with me… even though you’re just being paranoid. I’m not going to get caught. Seriously. Are you going to the gathering though?”

Kyle sighed. “Yeah.”

“One more thing –”

“What?”

“You’re too good for her. Be with me. It’s destiny.”

“I’d rather eat a bag of nails.”

Door slam.

The man entered the room, dramatically swooning. He gestured at both of them. “Look at what you two did, ruining such a good arrangement for me, even after I’ve been so nice.”

Neneng could see Leia seething. “We’ve been kidnapped and cuffed to a bed, how is this nice!?”

Neneng tried to shush her, but neither the man nor Leia wanted to back down from this. The man’s demeanor changed. His smile and playful demeanor was gone. His expression was now deathly serious. He walked towards Leia’s side of the bed, then sank his knee into her stomach. She screamed in pain, the knee squeezing the breath out of her. She squirmed and tried to push him off, but he lifted the foot from the ground and supported his entire weight on her stomach. Her face was red with agony.

“You proved your point!” Neneng reached out and tried to swat him away. “You’re strong, she’s weak, stop it!”

The man pulled back. Leia coughed and trembled a lot. He pushed hair away from her face, gently touching her cheek. “Are you gonna keep being mouthy? Or are you going to behave?”

Leia spat on his face. The man wiped it off with his hand, but he did not look happy. This child. Why did she insist on making things harder for herself? Neneng sat up as best she could, trying to put herself in between the two of them.

“She’s just a child! You know that! Why do you feel like you have to prove your dominance over her!? You have every advantage in this situation!”

The man left the room. For a moment, Neneng thought they were safe, but he came back with duct tape. She didn’t trust what he wanted to do with that. He covered Leia’s mouth with it, then he unlocked her handcuffs. Leia tried to fight him, but it was obvious her body was tiring out. He opened a trunk in a corner and put her inside, locking it with a padlock.

“W-what are you doing to her?”

“Relax. I’ll let her out tomorrow. It’s just a little sensory deprivation. That usually gets rid of the fight in a lot of people. The worst form of psychological torture, I heard – fucked up how they do things like that in prison, huh?”

He turned around and turned off the light. “Nighty night.”

***

“Aw, oh no.”

Neneng snapped awake. Was it morning? The man’s room didn’t have a window, so she had no way of telling if it was morning. She remembered last night, Leia had repeatedly kicked at the trunk aggressively, then gave up. Neneng attempted to talk to her, but it didn’t sound like she could hear her. Neneng had also checked the walls and found they were made from cement. The wall at the foot of the bed was made from wood. The most she could hear from her surroundings was everything going on in the living room and nothing beyond that. If she screamed, nobody would be able to hear her. 

From her spot in the bed, she could see the man standing over Leia’s trunk from the periphery of her vision. The trunk was open. The smell filled the room immediately. It smelled like a sewer.

“You’re already a teenager, and you wet yourself,” the man said, sweet with condescension.

“W-where was I supposed to pee?” She was being mouthy again, but she didn’t sound as tough as she was last night. 

“You don’t have to get so defensive. It’s just an embarrassing mistake. It’s fine. Neng?”

Neneng stiffened up.

“I know you’re awake. You’re like a little mouse. You stir at the slightest sound. If I let you go, can you get up and make us breakfast?”

“Can I clean Leia up first?”

“Oh no…” The man laughed. Neneng didn’t like how it sounded. “She’s a big girl. She can wash herself.”

The man undid Neneng’s cuffs with a quick motion. Neneng stared at him, intently, an extravagant hatred swelling in her chest until he moved away. She stood up and headed straight for the kitchen. She couldn’t think with her stomach stirring with nothing but bile. She needed to fill it up and think of a plan. Something that would get the both of them out of here. As she walked through the hallway, she heard Leia muffle a scream. Neneng rushed back to the room to find the man over her, legs apart, back hunched. She stepped to the side, and saw he was shoving her face right into the trunk.

“Smell it,” the man said through angry, gritted teeth. “Disgusting, right? You made that. Smell it.”

“I can smell it–” Leia closed her mouth as he grabbed a handful of her hair and tried to shove her face to the bottom of the trunk. Her screams were muffled, too disgusted to open her mouth.

“Stop it!”

Neneng rushed up to them and grabbed the man’s arm, pulling him back. The man yielded surprisingly easy. She almost shoved him to the wall, but she noticed a chain was wrapped around his hand. At the other end was Leia, hunched over, fingers between the space of her neck and collar to help her breathe. Neneng was mortified.

“Take that off. You’re hurting her, you monster!”

The man’s lips curled into a smile. “Can I get a kiss first?”

She slapped him across the cheek. The snapping sound bounced off the four walls. Leia stayed perfectly still, but her eyes were wide in shock, watching every detail. The man licked his lips and pressed his fingers to the reddened surface, wincing when it stung. Neneng backed away instinctively out of fear, but he laughed.

“Oho, ohh… Gutsy. I like it! But I have to warn you. I don’t like being disrespected.”

The man rushed towards the kitchen, making big, quick strides with his long legs. Leia was forced to follow behind him like a pet on a leash, body hunched over with her hands on her chain. Neneng got winded rushing behind them. When the three of them reached the kitchen, the man took a knife. Leia and Neneng stood still while he waved it at them. His eyebrow quirked in amusement. 

“What? I thought you two were tough girls. What’s the matter?” 

The man pressed the blade of the knife lightly against Leia’s cheek, wrapping the chain around his hand. Leia shivered. Neneng stood still, balling her hands into fists, and praying to God that he wouldn’t hurt her. The man glanced at Neneng, displaying Leia’s fear like an example. Neneng didn’t feel so spirited anymore.

“Let’s see… What should I cut off first? What would be horrifying, but non-essential?” He pressed it at the base of her ear, humming, like he’d already decided.

“Don’t hurt her,” Neneng said, voice cracking.

“That’s not really fair, is it? You hurt me. I should be able to hurt you in return.”

“If you want to hurt me, then hurt me! You don’t have to drag her into this!”

“Oh, I’m aware. Hurting her will hurt you more.”

As the two bickered, the man felt Leia’s trembling hands on his chest. He turned to look. She shoved him away. The man caught himself with his foot, then drove his knife straight into Leia’s shoulder. Leia gasped.

“Fuck,” the man said, whispering, as if surprised by his own response. He twisted the knife, making Leia arc her shoulder away and shriek. “Fuck! Fuck, fuck you two, fuuuuck.”

“Enough!” Neneng sobbed. “Please, please… enough.”

The man yanked his blade out, and let Leia’s twitchy, shivering body lean against the counter. He pointed his bloody knife at Neneng. She could see the blood all over his hand with specks of it all over his arm.

“Don’t fuck with me.” He pressed the flat end of it under Leia’s chin. “Don’t. Either of you. I am not fucking around.”

He ran his hand through his hair and licked his lips as he sized the two over. From his expression, it looked like he got the reaction he was hoping for, at least. He took big, heavy gulps of air, beads of sweat prickling around his forehead.

“Bandage her up. I’ve got a first aid kit in the bathroom. Relax, she won’t die from a fucking shoulder wound.” He took a deep breath and wagged his knife at her. “Breakfast, Neng. We all got to eat.”

***

Neneng placed a plate of food on the table next to the man. It was stuffed with scrambled eggs, sausages, and bacon. He was at the living room while Leia was in the bedroom, trying to recover from her wounds. 

Now that she could get a closer look of him, she noticed he didn’t look great. He had dark bags under his eyes, and he looked even paler than usual. At present, he was preoccupied with looking over his knives. The one he was holding was blunt and rusty, but that was the point, wasn’t it? Blunt knives took more effort. Rust infected wounds. It was all a game of how effectively he could hurt people. She understood it, and hated that she did.

He went out of his way to close up Leia’s wounds. It wasn’t a clean procedure. He heated up a knife over a stove, then placed it over the wounds. Leia squirmed and shrieked the entire time, and by the end of it, her face was stained with tears and snot, but she stopped bleeding entirely. Neneng wondered if that was even safe, but she wasn’t versed in the medical field.

The man placed the knife on the table. 

“It’s hard staying in a different house. I can barely find my keys.”

Neneng stared.

“Nothing? Nothing at all?” He waved a hand. “You suck at conversations. Here I am offering you a good starter, and you just spit in my face like that.”

“I don’t know what to say to you…”

“Can you clean my place up again? I’ll pay you five thousand a day if you want. I’ll pay for your kids’ college education. I’ll even buy you a house in the Philippines. Name your price.”

Neneng cringed. She would’ve considered it before, too, but she only felt guilt for listening to the devil now. All she could think about was the blood pouring out of Leia, and the scars he made to fix them. She didn’t want the man involved with anything in her life anymore, especially her actual children.

“…Why do you think we can just go back the way we were before?”

For once, he didn’t have answers. The man usually planned five steps ahead, but judging from the way he trembled and screamed earlier, it seemed like they were both completely at a loss. Neneng could recognize self-destruction when she saw it. She had the same problem, after all. But unlike her, he was determined to destroy everything in his path because of his pain.

He took his hand in hers. “Marry me.”

“…You’re out of your mind!” Neneng snatched her hand back. She took a few steps back.

“We don’t have to go back to the way we were before. We can go forward. You, me. Think about it.” He pushed himself up so he was kneeling on the couch, and advanced towards her side, stopping near the edge. “You’d be a legal American citizen with lots of money and a handsome white husband living in a big, big house. Isn’t that the dream for you guys? Don’t you want to live in the lap of luxury, away from suffering?”

His words were honeyed, but his tone was threatening. Neneng trembled in fear. She raised her hand, ready to slap him in self-defense, but she remembered the scars all over Leia’s young body and decided she couldn’t. The man held the raised hand, lacing their fingers together.

“Good girl.” He grinned. “I’ll make you come. I bet you’ve never had a good orgasm in your life.”

Neneng tugged her hand back. He sunk into the couch, laughing in waves. Maybe what he described was the dream for any other Filipino, but it wasn’t anything she wanted, not from such a despicable person. She thought of the proposal he presented in her head, and felt nothing but disgust at the idea. She couldn’t tell if he was serious, or if he was just trying to manipulate her again. Either way, she wasn’t buying it. 

Before, she might’ve believed that there was good in him. That illusion was completely destroyed now. He was a monster, and she was going to treat him like such.

“Not even gonna consider it?”

“I’d rather you kill me now than play along with that.”

“Ouch. Could’ve just said no.” He sighed dramatically. “Get your pet girl some food. We don’t want her to pass out from hunger. Oh. But don’t give her anything with bones.”

Neneng frowned. “I won’t.”

The man’s phone rung. Neneng was already heading to his room, but she paused when she heard who he was talking to.

“Yes, this is Caleb,” the man said, his entire voice changing in pitch and tone. He sounded so much shyer. Sweeter, even. She could barely make out who was on the other line, but she had a feeling it was Joe. “It’s no problem at all. Kyle said you called the other day. Yes… yes, everything you’ve heard is correct. No, I don’t know anything about that. She’s always struck me as a bit of a drama queen. I’m not surprised she contacted you about a domestic spat.”

The man and Neneng’s eyes locked. He looked at her as if warning her not to try anything. He stood up and made his way to Kyle’s bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

***

Leia was sitting at the edge of the bed. The man hooked her chain to the headboard. She was only allowed so much space, so couldn’t go farther than just a few feet away from it. She was wearing different clothes now – loose at the bust, tight around the waist. Neneng had never seen that shirt before. It probably belonged to one of the man’s victims. Leia poked at the bandages under her clothes lightly. She pressed against the surface, then winced. 

“I should’ve listened to you. To dad. I keep… I keep thinking I’m more mature than I actually am. That I can handle myself when worse comes to worst. Figures the first guy that tells me I’m mature was just trying to manipulate me.” She looked at Neneng with teary eyes. “You know, I liked him. I really did. Am I just an idiot?”

Neneng sat down next to her. Leia buried her face on her shoulder, sobbing softly.

“He’s a liar and a manipulator. Don’t beat yourself up because you got tricked.” 

“I can handle a heartbreak, but I don’t even know if I’m gonna survive this. I didn’t even say goodbye to mom and dad properly. And Lilian – she’s at home all alone. I’m gonna die here and it’s all my fault ‘cause all I think about is myself.”

It broke her heart that a child would say things like that. Not even eighteen, and she was already exposed to atrocities like this. There was a chance Leia would die here, that they both would, and if they didn’t, Leia was never going to be the same. Neneng had already gotten roughed up by the world. She could endure past this. But teenagers knew few hardships. They had a limited world view, focused on boys and gossip. Leia could never go back to school and think much of petty teen drama ever again.

Neneng walked over to where her chain was attached. It was padlocked to the headboard. She tugged at the chain, but it was pretty firm there.

“No dice,” Leia said. “Trust me. I tried.” 

Neneng sat on the bed, but a spark of hope reinvigorated her. She remembered who the man talked to earlier. Joe. If she could get his phone, she could call him and beg him to go look for her. They could bust this place because the man had all of his incriminating material here, from his torture materials to all of the DVDs that had him mutilating a bunch of the recently missing women.

She placed the plate of food on the bedside table.

“Thanks,” Leia said with a smile. “I’m really hungry.”

***

Neneng placed both of the empty plates in the sink. She let them soak up as she approached the man. He was preoccupied, like watching more snuff on Kyle’s TV and typing on his laptop computer. He saw Neneng peek out of a corner and beckoned her to come closer.

“You act like a stagehand when you’re really a star. C’mon, darling. Tell me what you want.”

“It really is gross in here,” she said. His head perked up. “I want to clean up a little. I don’t want to live in a pig sty either. I am already kidnapped, I don’t want to be dirty too.”

“It’s not that dirty, but I’m glad you’re coming around. I’m not a bad person, mom. I’ll take care of you and the little munchkin. It’s a little unconventional, but it’s not the eighties anymore. People have alternative lifestyles. We could all be a good, happy family if you two stop acting out.”

Neneng grimaced. “Right… Can I do it?”

The man smiled sweetly. “Knock yourself out.”

***

Neneng started with the kitchen first.

She got a good idea of the man and Kyle’s eating habits while she was cooking. No cooking materials were used other than the microwave. Inside the fridge were several tupperwares full of Chinese takeout with the occasional odd item wrapped haphazardly in the paper or plastic it was originally wrapped in. Everything made with soy sauce smelled unbearable. She cleared most of it out and defrosted the still edible ones for dinner tonight. 

After she wiped down everything, she went back to the living room. The man had turned off the TV, but he was still typing on his laptop. His phone wasn’t with him. He usually liked to leave it out in the open, like on the table or on the couch. With him there, she could only pick up some of the trash she saw the night they came and put them in the trash can in the kitchen. She moved onto the bathroom next, where she had to bleach the toilet, the floor, and the sink. Everything else after went easier.

Neneng checked the hallway for signs of the man. Still in the living room. She entered Kyle’s bedroom, softly shutting the door behind her.

The bedroom was very distinctly Kyle’s. There were band posters up on the walls and an electric guitar next to black stereos with a lot of knobs. Neneng checked his desk and tried to get through all of the clutter. It had to be here somewhere.

“Looking for this, my darling?” 

Neneng’s blood turned to ice. The man’s hand shot to the side of her face, wiggling his phone at her.

“No, I… I was cleaning.” 

He twisted her arm and pulled her closer. She could feel his hot breath on her skin. “Seemed like searching to me.”

“There’s so much clutter. I didn’t know where to put things.”

“You liar! I saw you looking at my goddamn phone earlier! Did you really think I’d just leave it alone in the open?” The man smashed his own phone on the desk. The screen cracked. “Stop thinking like you can escape this! I’ve been so patient with you and you pull shit with me at every turn! One more strike, and I feed you Leia’s pretty limbs. One more strike. Do you understand me, Neng?”

Neneng’s eyes followed the shattered phone on the table.

It was a discouraging display, but she couldn’t help but notice that something felt off in this scenario. The man was desperate enough to break his own stuff. When he made a show of his power, he usually targeted other people’s things, but never his own. What was different now? His earlier shaky responses showed he wasn’t fully in control of the situation either. He sounded sure with his threat right now, but she wondered if he was saying this as much for himself as it was for her.

He twisted her arm, making her scream. “Do you undnerstand me, Neng?”

“Yes… yes, sir.”

***

The man kept them both cuffed in his room for the rest of the day. He made them share the same bed, then turned on the TV for them, hoping they’d calm down a little. The TV shows numbed Neneng for hours until she and Leia fell asleep in each other’s arms. The presence of another real, non-threatening human being calmed her for brief periods, but never for long. Unpleasant dreams of hammers and chains haunted her sleep.

The next day, he woke them both up to ask if they wanted a chance to redeem themselves in his eyes. In their situation, they could hardly say no. The man announced then that he was going to have a little gathering with his friends in the afternoon, and that he’d appreciate it if they made themselves more useful. When he left, Neneng and Leia exchanged looks.

“Do you think they’d be sympathetic to us, manang?”

Neneng wondered the same thing, but if they were like Kyle, it’d be pointless to reason with them. She looked at Leia and shook her head. “If he’s bringing people to his house… they’re not people that will be sympathetic to us.”

She hoped she was wrong.

The man ordered takeout and brought a couple more chairs into the living room for the occasion, then fussed at Neneng to make everything presentable. It was the first time she saw him actually care about what his surroundings looked like. As she decorated the dining table, the man went into his room. She didn’t know what he was planning, but it was safe to say that she got nervous by default.

Banging at the front door. Neneng scrambled back to the kitchen as a parade of people walked in to seat themselves at the living room. The first was a Southern looking couple. The man was skinny with a goatee and a jean jacket, teeth either black or yellow. He had his arm around an overweight woman in skimpy clothing, makeup bright and caked onto her face. Behind them was Kyle with a backpack slung over his shoulder, presumably the one he took after he stormed out the other day. Following after was an overweight middle-aged white man in a metal band shirt and jeans. He breathed heavily through his mouth. He wasn’t the sort of guy Neneng wanted to be stuck in a room with. The last of the bunch was a completely normal well to-do looking man with a bushy mustache. He looked so respectable. She could run into him in the grocery store without realizing he’d be into murder. They chatted amongst each other, some of them going for the food she laid out on the dinky dining table.

The man’s bedroom door opened. He came into the living room with Leia in tow, who was dressed in nothing but a two-piece bikini. Her wounds spread nasty purple blotches behind the gauze. He tugged on her chain like she was an animal. She followed obediently, but her eyes held nothing but contempt for him.

“So glad to see you ugly sons of bitches again!”

They cheered.

After a few greetings, the man put on one of his videos. It was the one he forced Neneng to watch months ago. It was strange, watching all these people watch this with complete fascination, roaring laughter at random intervals. Leia was on all fours with the man using her as a footstool. When the man’s disrespectful money shot popped up in the screen, he received nothing but praise and discussion.

Neneng could hardly hear anything in the commotion, but she picked up bits and pieces. The couple refurbished their basement so they could kidnap gay people better. It was because the woman wanted something to do while the man worked at the gas station. The normal-looking man talked about his new job as an elementary school teacher, and how he wanted to tape himself fucking one of his prepubescent students behind the bleachers. Every thread of conversation she followed seemed to end up at an awful destination. The two rooms slowly started getting filled out with cigarette smoke. Neneng wanted to get away as fast as possible.

“Neng?” The man called out sickeningly sweet. He whistled and beckoned her closer. “Can you get us more food? Tortilla chips if we still have them.”

Neneng made herself visible and scampered to place the food on the table. She took away empty dishes while she was at it.

“Your little pet girl,” the slimy middle-aged man began, shuffling closer to the edge of his seat. He reached out to try and touch Leia’s ass. “How old is she?”

The man kicked his hand away, then rested his foot back on the top of her back. He waved his cigarette at him. “Don’t touch her. Did I give you permission?”

“I just wanted to see…”

“You can see with your eyes, not your fingers.”

“What’s she supposed to be? She looks Latin,” the Teacher said.

“I think she looks Chinese,” the Mistress said.

“She’s Filipino. God, do the only places you people know start and end at the state border? Serious question.” The man flicked cigarette ash at Leia’s face, making her wince.

Slimeball wagged his finger at the bowl of chips at the coffee table. Neneng pointed at herself, then scrambled to hand him the bowl.

“Thanks, Celine,” he said. Half of the room fell silent, and everyone else followed. The Slimeball munched on his chips and raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Celine’s dead,” Kyle said plainly. Neneng stood in the corner as all eyes fell on her. “Remember? There was a funeral?”

He furrowed his eyebrows. “Wait, but what about her?”

“Again,” the man forced out, gritting his teeth. His fingers dug into his thigh. “You forget people live in places other than this state. Are you so racist that you forget certain people come from different places? And that they might look alike? Look, I guess I can’t blame you. All you did in school was jack-off under the table.” He feigned a punch at the guy. “Asshole.”

The Slimeball cringed, then stood up to feign a punch at the man back. Tears stung at the edge of his eyes. “Hey! You sayin’ I’m stupid? I’m an idiot? You’re the fuckin’ idiot, how the fuck do you expect people to remember your fucking nanny, huh? Maybe you’re just a fuckin’ sensitive ass pansy.”

The man stood up, then stormed towards the guy. He decked him straight in the face. Slimeball reacted like a rabid animal to the attack, tackling the man to the floor, biting and hitting him. He used his weight to his advantage and pinned the man down to the floor. The man blocked and thrashed against the blows. He flipped his body to the side, throwing the guy off. Slimeball’s head hit sharply against the edge of the bookshelf. As he struggled, disoriented and dizzy, the man grabbed a vodka bottle from the gift counter and smashed it on his head. Shards and liquor burst all over like fireworks. He continued whacking him in the face with what was left of the bottle, disfiguring his nose so badly his face was covered in blood.

“Are you gonna talk some more with your stupid fucking words, wise guy? Huh? Huh?”

Kyle rushed into the scene and pried the man away from him. The man kicked and thrashed, then finally calmed down. He huffed and straightened up his jacket.

The guy sat slumped against the bookshelf. It was impossible to assess the damage with his condition. Neneng had never seen so much blood in person. He looked a bit like a watermelon that was dropped on the ground and smashed open. Small, steady breathing indicated that he was still alive, but struggling. Kyle and the man exchanged sharp looks, but the man rolled his eyes and wiped blood off his face.

“Jesus, your temper,” Kyle said. “Cut that shit out. This is why we don’t hang out anymore.”

“How is that my fault? This guy has no manners, being rude to the party host… Can you blame me?”

“He’s got a point,” Southern guy said. “If someone comes in mah house and insults mah mama they’d be rollin’ ten feet under.”

“Disrespect or not, we’re trying to avoid attention. If we come out with a man covered in gore and one of the neighbors see and calls the police, they can search through the place and locate our hidden networks. They’ll bust all of us,” the Teacher said.

Leia perked up, from where she was kneeling on the floor.

“Can’t search anywhere without a warrant,” the Mistress said.

“Doesn’t stop all of them from trying,” the Teacher said.

“Enough, enough!” The man gestured for them to stop. He took off his jacket and tossed it at Neneng’s direction, making her scramble to catch it. Everyone froze with the tension. The man looked over them all, and laughed. “Guys… come on. Lighten up. S’just a little blood. Look, why don’t you all… zip it and patch him up a little, make sure he doesn’t bleed his entire face out, okay? I’ll go get us some drinks.”

Some of them grumbled and rolled their eyes, but Kyle knelt down in front of where the guy was sitting. The man entered the kitchen and whistled for Neneng, who was already trailing behind him. He doubled over at the counter, taking deep breaths, exhaling his stress. 

This was the first time he’d seen him frustrated outside his activities. The group talked to each other like they knew each other well. Whatever Slimeball said, it affected the man much more painfully than it would have otherwise. She absorbed his distress, sympathy tugging at her heartstrings, but she also felt something akin to joy. He acted like he knew a lot, but around them, he tripped over close relations easily. She felt like he was expecting her to comfort him. Neneng approached him slowly, like she would a small animal.

“Are you… okay?”

He hummed pleasantly, but his hands trembled. His eyes hid thinly veiled anger. “Oh, I’m fine. God, I was ready to kill that guy!” He pushed his hair back and took a deep breath. “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine. I wish I did kill him, but I’m fine.”

“Why are you so upset?”

“Low bullshit tolerance, for the most part.”

Neneng furrowed her eyebrows.

“Don’t make that face,” he said. “You look like an angry gerbil.”

She rolled her eyes. “Alright. That’s the last time I show concern.”

The man grimaced. “Wait. Fine. You win, as always. I just got pissed because he forgot Celine was dead. I didn’t invite him to the funeral, obviously, because he’d probably jack off on top of her grave, but he knew her. There were a couple of years that she wasn’t even around during our gatherings. How the fuck did he forget?” He bit his fingernails, looking pensive, like a small child.

She could’ve asked further, but didn’t. Neneng’s gaze watched Slimeball as he batted Kyle with a thick, wobbly arm, whining about the pain.

“They’re your friends, are they not? How can you hurt them like that?”

“Now that’s just not fair. You could make anyone feel bad by saying they hurt their friends. Call them by what they are. Rapists and killers.” He pointed at Kyle first. “I’ve known him since I was eight. He used to be the pretty girl next door, ‘til he transitioned. We used to hang out at the park and talk about how much we hated people. When we got a lil’ older, we killed neighborhood dogs. One time, we nabbed a little girl and pushed her down a cliff just to see what would happen. He never really got into the business, he’s a tattoo artist, but he’s got somethin’ in his brain that craves blood. I felt a kinship with him because of that.”

He gestured at the Teacher and Slimeball. “They’re a few of the guys that got me into the business. The guy with the ‘stache is an Elementary School teacher. He graduated an Ivy League school with a degree in computer engineering, so everyone wonders why he teaches Elementary. He said his twelve-year old crush showed him her titties once as a bribe to get him to do her homework. He had an unrivaled passion for pubescent girls since. He’s got a body count the size of a small town. One of the greats. Of course, fatso wants to be like him, but he’s about as subtle as a bull in a china shop. His MOs exclusively prostitutes. It’s pathetic. All of his videos are on his cheap flip phone – he says they’re gritty and realistic, but it’s really just sloppy.”

Neneng remembered when she used to be the sort of girl that blamed prostitutes and skimpily dressed women for getting raped. She didn’t think that way anymore. These people did whatever they wanted, regardless of dress. Little girls could do something as simple as attend school and they would still get attacked. Did any of Liza’s teachers watch her that way in secret? They could be the most respectable-seeming person in the world, and she couldn’t even be certain they weren’t monsters. She wished she never found out any of this. The world just felt unbelievably bleak, like all the good things she’d known and believed were nothing but lies.

The man gestured to the couple. “Guy grew up idolizing The Toy Box Killer. Graduated with a degree in Engineering because of it. He makes his own torture rooms. Girl calls herself a Queer for Queers. She’s straight, but she wishes she was a gay man and idolizes their struggles, looks, lisp, whatever. Twinks are her favorite. She likes to pretend she’s a guy and fuck them with animal dildos. See, now I sound like a normal person, huh?” 

Neneng shook her head in disbelief. “Why are there so many of you? I thought it was just you. Now I don’t know. I don’t think I can feel safe anymore. I won’t be able to talk to anyone without wondering if they were a monster like you.”

“Well, that’s the tricky thing, isn’t it? What defines a monster? We’re monsters, sure, but we’re on the far end of the monstrous spectrum, so that’s obvious, but where do you draw the line? Are monsters just killers and rapists? If so, do the audience get away scot free? They watch it, they like it, they seek it out, doesn’t matter if it titillates or terrifies.”

“There’s not a lot of people in the dark web.”

“But it isn’t just internet perverts, though. It’s outrage news and tabloids. It’s teenagers recording videos of dead people for clicks. It’s people sharing pictures on Facebook of aborted fetuses to win sympathy. Do you think it’s harmless to make spectacles out of tragedies?”

Neneng knew she didn’t. It bothered her for a long time now, how such things were so normal. She didn’t want to believe people were monsters, but she couldn’t think of a good way to justify it herself. Even she was starting to fantasize about killing the man.

“Can’t think of an answer, huh?” The man grinned, smug about pinning her with his dumb words again. He opened the cabinet and pulled out a couple bottles of whiskey. “That’s alright. It’s hard to wrap your head around concepts you don’t normally think about. I’m gonna get a drink.”

***

Neneng did think about it.

Humans weren’t herbivores, and those that attempt to act like deer and eat nothing but greens only hurt themselves in the process. Humans were omnivores. It was in their genes to crave for danger and the satisfaction of a kill. She remembered that Linda had a deer trophy head displayed on top of her living room mantle. She’d talk about her late husband’s hunting prowess with nothing but pride. No matter how civilized society got, humans always tried to satiate that instinct in their food and their entertainment with thriller movies and steaks so big they couldn’t eat it in one seating.

Was this natural instinct bad? What if there weren’t grocery stores anymore? What if the only option left was to hunt? She thought of herself as a strong woman, but she had to wonder in that scenario. That would mean killing was necessary.

Was that the only time killing would be necessary? What about right now? Wasn’t killing the man essential to her survival right now?

Killing other humans was wrong. According to who? God? But what was God? She could pray as many times as she liked, but no angel would come down from heaven and tell her not to kill the man. They were told stories about grand miracles back in Christian studies, but she’d never seen any in real life. If there was a god, he didn’t look kindly to her. Perhaps that was why humans had to pray for the weak. God never watched over them on his own. They had to fend for themselves.

Who, then? Society? Law said that the authorities would settle disputes among citizens. Killing was illegal. She knew it wouldn’t look good for an immigrant to kill a white man. She’d heard stories on the news about racial violence. She didn’t have access to money or a lawyer. At best, she would get deported.

The Theotokos’ blessed hammer smashed the devil’s skull open. Dark rooms with thick outlines and electric blues. Leia was in the bathroom right then, being permitted to wash herself and be alone in the bathroom for the first time while still chained to the door, and the first thing she did was vomit in the toilet.

After Leia finished bathing and changing into clean clothes, the man hooked her chain to the wall again. She didn’t even protest. She just crawled under the blankets and curled up. It wasn’t long until Neneng realized she was crying.

“Leia…?”

“Sorry. M’sorry.” She sobbed. “I’m weak, I know.”

Neneng’s heart trembled. She placed a hand to the lump of blanket that was her head. “You’re not weak.”

“I thought I could handle anything but, I just feel so gross, I’m so sick of everything here. I want to die. I’ve been trying to keep sane, but I can’t. I can’t. I don’t know how to keep going like this.”

Neneng didn’t ask for anymore explanations. Teenagers feigned toughness because they wanted to be seen as capable, like adults. Leia was tough, but her bluster crumbled under the weight of the more significantly vicious, like a house cat picking a fight with a grizzled tiger. She crawled under the sheets too and wrapped her arms around the girl. Her sobs toned down to shaky gasps, and then she was out cold. Neneng closed her eyes and thought of hammers and smashed watermelons.

Civilization was nothing but pretense.

In the wild, you did what was necessary.

V.

“Rise and shine, darling. We’re going on a trip.”

She wasn’t really in the mood for whatever he was planning. The living room was still a mess from yesterday. She wanted to get more sleep before she had to clean up the blood. Blood was harder to scrub out than most stains. The man made sure everyone got a hearty breakfast, then he cuffed Leia to the bed. He turned on the TV for her, claiming that it was so she didn’t get bored by herself. As soon as he left the room, Neneng sneaked back in to leave food and water for her. Leia didn’t stir from where she was sitting. The two of them changed to travel clothes, then boarded his new car.

“Where are we going?”

“The graveyard.”

It didn’t snow much in their state. It only came in small bursts and dusted the ground under the skeletons of trees and sidewalk crevices. The roads were slippery though. They had a thin icy sheen on the surface, reflective like the surface of porcelain. When she breathed, she could see the fog in her breath. Her son once asked her if she made snowmen. She looked at the man as he drove the car in silence. His eyes were on the road, but his mind was far away.

“My dad left me and mom when I was fifteen,” he said, voice low. He glanced at her once then continued. “Or at least, fifteen was when we realized. My mom – my biological mom, not nanay – drank herself to a stupor and never woke up. I finished high school, but only because of nanay’s urging. She said I’d never get a job if I didn’t at least have a high school diploma.”

Neneng looked out of the window and saw a billboard about steakhouses. In it was an outline of a cow with its body parts labeled for cooking. In front of the cow was a middle-aged cowboy giving the onlooker a thumbs up.

“Kyle, the guy with the piercings, you know him, was getting into all that true crime stuff during our sophomore years. He built his own personal computer for browsing the dark web. I’d go to his house and watch livestreams of men stomping small animals in real time. It was funny. The fur would flatten to the ground, and all the blood and organs would pop out from either side.”

Her gut wrenched. In her childhood, she remembered a stray cat gave birth in one of the old boxes at the back of her house. When her brother saw them, he gathered his friends up, picked up the kittens, and threw them against the wall, laughing as they cried out in pain. Those memories gave her nightmares for years.

“Kyle and I really started getting into it. We wanted to do videos and streams of our own. Squirrels and rats first, then people’s dogs. The squish was good, you see, but a slow kill really gets you into it. We’d slice open their stomachs and watch them run around with their intestines dangling and dragging on the ground. They’d whine about the pain.” He laughed. Neneng shivered. “Our first real kill was our neighbor, a little blonde girl named Mason. She liked to play with her Barbie house in the front yard. She enjoyed the grass and sunshine, I think. We won her over with treats, mostly food, so there wouldn’t be any incriminating new toys that her parents would worry about. She grew fond of us, so one day, we took her to the forest. We asked audience requests about what to do with her. We touched her a little, couldn’t really get into it, so we started stomping on her like a small animal. One viewer said throw her down the cliff. We did. She bounced on the edges, then rolled to the bottom. We just left her there.”

Neneng took a deep breath. “Did you ever regret killing Mason?”

“I think fondly of her. She was my first kill. I don’t regret it, though. What’s there to regret?”

“You took the life of an innocent child and you don’t even understand why that’s wrong?”

“No, I get why it’s wrong. Society says it is. But I don’t care much about what society thinks, so I don’t care that I killed her. She was nothing to me.”

Neneng frowned, then took the time to think of her response. “The law is in place to protect everyone, even you. It only works if everybody participates. If you go around killing other people, it will not protect you.”

“No, the law is in place to protect the powerful and trick the stupid into compliance. I kill people at a minor scale, but presidents send armies overseas and slaughter droves of people every month, more people than what I’m capable of, and the media calls those killers heroes. Rich people open up sweat shops with uninsured child laborers in other countries. I’m just brave enough to look at who I’m slaughtering.”

“Don’t frame yourself like you’re better.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying they’re just as bad as I am.” He raised his hand in the same condescending way he usually did when he explained his ideas to her. “Cry about Mason all you want, but in a grand scale, it literally doesn’t matter. There are billions of people on Earth, with millions dying and being born every day. Mason’s death was one among many, and it affected two people, three max. You look at that number and you realize she doesn’t matter.”

Neneng pursed her lips, trying very hard to contain her anger. “If you say it like that, then you’re saying you and I don’t matter.”

He smiled. “Yeah, we don’t, not in the grand scheme of things. You need to think of that as a liberating idea. You and I are nothing but insignificant specks in the universe, and that’s why we can do whatever we want.”

It took them two hours to get to The Memorial Park through the highway. It was a beautiful park, but it was muddy during the winter season. The fog obscured the paths. Trees without leaves leered over them like monsters. Cracked stone angels prayed over the graves they presided.

This was the same cemetery Linda was buried in. It was beautiful during that crisp Autumn afternoon. The grass was yellow and green, and the trees were thick with leaves. If she hadn’t been here before, she would’ve gotten the impression that it was scary all year round. 

Linda was buried in the nicer part of the cemetery. Her family was rich, so her son could afford to bury her somewhere nice. Celine was way out in the back. There was an ugly stone fence behind it, but Celine’s tombstone was carefully maintained. The man had no problem kneeling on the muddy ground as he curled his fingers on the gentle arch. Celine Manalo. No other mother could compare. She couldn’t see his face.

“Did you ever go to college?”

“Nanay wanted me to, but no. That was when Hopkins got me into the business. I didn’t see the need. I was already making good money. She didn’t approve of what I was doing at first, but she said she’d stick with me, after everything. She said she saw me as her own child. I never had to do much with her.”

No other mother could compare. He clutched the tombstone reverently. A rare instance of faith for the faithless.

“If nothing matters… then why visit her at all? Why mourn, if there’s nothing to be gained?”

“I can justify that with the same reason. Why not mourn? Who’s stopping me from mourning?” His voice cracked. It rubbed Neneng the wrong way. She already resolved to think of him as an enemy, but she couldn’t deny that he was in pain and it made her want to comfort him. He was simultaneously boy and monster, with neither parts contradicting the other. “I’ve always been broken, Neneng. I don’t know if it’s because of my parents or my genes, but there’s a compelling part of me that wants me to hurt and hurt and hurt, so I do it. It helps me numb the great big void for a time, but it’s always there, waiting to torment me when I’m alone. Maybe I don’t regret what I do. Maybe I’m going to do it again. I’m a monster, I know, but if I was just a monster, I wouldn’t be so torn up about my monstrosities. I want to be free from the pain of human misery. Please help me. You’re the only one who can.”

She was at a crossroads, torn between judging him as a boy or a monster.

He tormented and stalked her, put her through the worst months of her life, but because the human heart didn’t listen to input from the brain, she loved him, and she knew that beyond his twisted actions, he loved her. Strip away law, religion, and societal conventions, and at the base was nothing but human connection. From the day she met him to the end of her life, she knew she would never forget him.

She saw the full picture of his life from the bits and pieces he’d given her. It was natural that he’d be born rotten when the tree that bore him was already poisoned at the roots. He reminded her of her former husband. Charming and easy-going on the surface, but empty and needy underneath.

But they had a choice. The man could’ve chosen kindness and recovery. He didn’t. He chose to hurt everything around him. For once, Neneng’s mind tried to grasp the elusive nature of the future. She could leave the cemetery now, their relationship stronger than ever before, but there’d be no future for the girl they cuffed to the bed – she was either going to stay a prisoner, or be killed because she was a liability. 

She could help him control his urges, but she knew she’d be unsuccessful. He couldn’t possibly control it if he never wanted to in the first place. Neneng bore a son to help fill her husband’s void, but he left, tormented by the fact that even that couldn’t fill it. Nothing could fill a black hole.

At the end of the day, Neneng didn’t know a damned thing about stars, gods, and purpose.

She was just a mother, and a mother did what was best for her children.

Neneng smoothed his ginger hair like she did for Liza when she climbed into her bed after a nightmare ages ago. “…I don’t know what lies for us in the great beyond, but I hope you eventually find peace.”

She picked up one of the larger rocks on the ground. As he turned to peek at her with teary eyes, she smashed the rock into the back of his skull. The tombstone he was clutching followed his weight and tipped forward, his head colliding directly with the stone fence. She continued her assault until his head broke open like a watermelon, getting blood everywhere around it. She smashed the stone into the viscera of his brain. His body convulsed all over, then stopped.

He made himself so much bigger with his toys and words. He wasn’t any different than the bodies in the basement this way, propped up against the tombstone like a bloody ragdoll. Either way, she granted him the release he craved for and finally cut down a rotting family line. 

She buried her face in her bloody hands. She didn’t feel morally justified like a superhero after they won against the villain at the end of the movie. She was heartbroken.

Millions of people gave birth, and died every single day. She was one of the fortunate ones to survive today. She couldn’t claim she made the right choice that afternoon, or that things would be better from now on. Real life wasn’t so easy. All she could do was live with the consequences, and fight for another day.