Jessie's Journal (4/7/26) (Patreon)

Dear Journal:

After my sister went through puberty and left me in the ugly duckling dust, the only way I could get attention was through self-destructive behavior.  I may have gotten chubby trying to keep up with sis’s growth spurt, but I got fat to keep from being ignored—if only by taking up more space.    

My favorite pastime was stuffing myself with cookies, donuts, or whatever else I had hidden in my room, and then parading around the house, fishing for fat shame.  I had this cute green floral sundress that hung loose on everything but my belly, which, after a good stuffing, poked against the material as if I were pregnant.  I hoped someone might actually suspect as much, but nobody ever did.  Boys had to be involved, after all, and they were too busy sniffing around my sister to bother with me. 

Tight jeans worked best.  I’d stick my belly out as far as it would go and strut around, fingers pinched in my pockets, pushing my waistband lower as the hem of my skintight t-shirt slid higher, revealing an expanding swath of pudge.  I mostly just got sideways glances from my folks, but occasionally they’d comment.  “It looks like we need to go clothes shopping,” mom might say, or, if dad caught me snacking on chips (which I crunched while he tried to watch TV), he’d encourage me to “save room for dinner” or “eat a banana or something.”

Even if no one else was biting, I could always count on my sister.  “You’re so gross,” she’d say, as I wobbled past with my stomach hanging out.  “You’re turning into a real pig, y’know that?”  Of course, that only encouraged me.  I’d rub my belly after a big mouthful of chips, or belch after a long sip of soda.  “Excuse me,” I’d say with a sickeningly sweet smile.    She treated me as if I were a personal affront, and I was all too happy to oblige.

The problem was, I eventually grew too fat for my binges to be noticeable.  And my mom, tired of replacing my clothes, started buying me bulky sweatpants and hoodies I could smuggle entire turkeys inside of.  I was back to being ignored.   Only now I was “morbidly obese” according to my pediatrician.

I’m not sure why I did what I did.  Dr. Chen says it was a cry for help, but maybe it was just simple science.  For every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction.  Sis grew beautiful; I grew ugly.  She became a source of pride; I became a source of shame.

I do agree with him on one thing, however.  It’s not too late to turn things around.

--Jessie