Jessie's Journal (5/8/26) (Patreon)

Dear Journal:

For therapy this week, I wore a pair of blue cargo shorts I think I wore once last summer (I didn’t like the way they pinched my butt) and a yellow smock top that’s probably the last clothing item mom bought me without a hood (two years ago).  Back then, I liked the way it skirted over my belly and draped across my hips, but the puffy flutter-sleeves—which mom probably thought would hide my well-rounded shoulders—made me look like a middle linebacker, and, as a sullen fourteen-year-old, I hated the bright color.  

When I wore it a couple of Easters ago, sissy said I “looked like an egg and that I should hide.”

Fortunately, things have changed since then.  Both for her and for me. 

Anyway, it felt nice to shrink into something rather than grow out of it.  I still wasn’t wild about the fit of the sleeves, but overall, I thought I looked pretty cute.  

Dr. Chen agreed.

“You look nice today, Jessie,” he said, welcoming me with a hug.  Hello and goodbye hugs have become a regular thing the past few sessions.  I’d like to say it’s ‘pretty privilege’ kicking in, but I’ve been soliciting them for the most part.  “You’ve definitely lost more weight.”

“I’ve been walking two miles a day,” I beamed.

“That’s great,” he said, settling into his high-backed throne of a chair.  “The weather’s been beautiful, hasn’t it?”

I nodded. 

“Maybe you should have your sister join you?”

I know Dr. Chen’s suggestion was well-intentioned, but it made me angry.  The whole reason I started walking in the first place was to get out of the house and away from sissy.  It was my sanity check.  Nothing would drive me crazier than having my sister with me on it.

The look on my face must’ve answered his question.  “Just a suggestion,” Dr. Chen said, holding up his hand.  “How’s she doing with her…little issue?”

“It’s getting bigger,” I said.  I couldn’t help but smile a little.  “And so is she.”  

Dr. Chen set his pad in his lap and clasped his hands over it.  “Jessie, after what you and your sister have been through, it’s natural to have some schadenfreude.  Do you know what schadenfreude is?”

“Some sort of German pastry?”

“No.  Schadenfreude is when you relish someone else’s ruin.” 

Hmmm, I definitely have some schadenfreude in me.  It’s a good thing it isn’t a pastry, or I’d be a lot fatter than I am. 

Dr. Chen continued, “We need you to move past that feeling.  Try walking a mile in your sister’s shoes.”

“That’s more exercise than they’ve had recently.”

Dr. Chen frowned.  “I think your sister could use a friend right now.  And I’m certain she could use a sister.” 

That struck another nerve.  Was he a therapist or a dentist filling a cavity?

“Where was she when I needed a friend?” I snapped.  “If she wasn’t teasing me or making pig noises behind my back, she was ignoring me.”

“I’m not going to make excuses for her, but I’m also not going to judge her.”

That pissed me off even more.  Every story I’ve told him about my sister is true.  He’s supposed to have my back, not hers.   

“I can see this is upsetting you,” he said, picking up his pen and notepad in a gesture that said, ‘let’s move on.’  “All I’m saying is you have the chance to be the bigger person.”

No.  I’ve been the bigger person far too long.  It’s sissy’s turn.

--Jessie