A Month-Delayed Post + Health Update (Patreon)

You can read everything about my struggles, or skip to the BOLD headings that interest you and read those details. If you just wanna learn how to have me draw art of YOUR characters, like with this attached art, go to the bottom. But, seriously, read. It takes a large energy and resource investment for me to type this much!

First off, the EXPLANATION/APOLOGY: 

I had this post *almost* ready to go a month ago - the file's titled "August 11th sketches," ugh! - and my body went and BOTTOMED OUT on me. I thought I could scrape together enough energy to get it out then, but NOPE! Which sucks, because it was going to explain that I WAS LIKELY GONNA GO SILENT WITH THE SAME CRASH THAT PREVENTED ME FROM WARNING YOU ABOUT IT. It's a special kind of torture, to know what must be done, but be trapped inside a non-functioning body, so you have to let people down. I didn't have in me to compose a post, or complete a planned project. Best I could do was periodically explain my situation on Twitter if I got the energy to for 30 seconds of impulse typing, and hope some of you knew to go over there and check. If it wasn't on the surface of my brain, where I could dump it out without thinking at all, it wasn't coming out. (Thinking = migraines and crashing! That's awfully difficult to survive in the art biz, where you have to script jokes or plan commissions. If you phone it in, EVERYONE can tell.)

THE HEALTH THING (now a much longer update)

To remind you, I'm held up by three pillars of treatment: Medication, regular Botox injections, and (ideally) weekly trigger point dry needling to relax my muscles, as my condition means the muscles from my shoulders up (especially those in my face) can't relax on their own. (As painful as it sounds, yes.) Medication has been one long cartoony fake-out gag I keep falling for, where I think the docs finally understand me (we've known for YEARS what works) but they back off because of paperwork problems. (I regret all those "I think we're got a handle on it, and I'll get back to comics soon!" posts. The docs fooled me again and again!) It finally got really REALLY bad, to the point where even they had to accept (while making is CLEAR they legally did not admit this) their cowardice was killing me. I'm on *better* meds now, but there are still big issues with what I'm allowed AND with my insurance/money. Right now I can choose a $20/month medication (if I jump through several hoops, cuz otherwise it's $100/month) that has notable side effects, or a $400/month med that also requires my docs to not undercut me again. So... let's see how the $20 one works! This upcoming week is the my first chance to really see what it can handle. Cross your fingers. Pray to your favorite deity. Make all needed sacrifices and offerings.

Why just now? Botox! When I was trying to draft a letter to my neurologist a while back - explaining that my last Botox cycle had problems I was struggling with, and that we needed to tweak our approach - I got a call saying he had changed his schedule, my appointment was canceled, and I was now thrown to the back of the line to see him. It took six extra weeks to get my injections. I've been in that situation before, and it was bad. You might remember it! That was a major factor in THE big crash last April that hurt me so much I became no longer able to draw my comic - which then led to over a year of docs failing to stabilize me, so I kept getting worse and worse, and thus doing less and less to keep my title of "artist." Well, 12 days ago, the long wait - which was FAR more crippling than I expected - was up, and I got my injections. The bruising is finally fading, so I'll start to see what my new normal is over the next few weeks. Even if it's working great, I have to relearn how to draw. My muscle memory is LOST.

While the other two pillars failed me, dry needling had to take total control over keeping me out of the hospital, and my physical therapist did a hell of a job in doing so. I couldn't be a person, but she kept me going. The issue was that I got BAD with two pillers missing, and dry needling is supposed to be a light tune-up, while the other pillars do most of the work. It took longer and longer to get muscles to release, and we'd run out of time to cover all the damage. By the end of this long delay, before Botox happened, my muscles got so bad I even lost the ability to do basic exercise. (I couldn't hold my phone to go Pokewalking, which is the only way I go outside. People are everywhere on my walking route! I can't SMILE at people! That causes facial spasms!) Anyway, I GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT OVER THE LAST TWO MONTHS, and I hate it! I don't own a scale, and I don't want to know how bad it got. All I know is I have exactly one week to shed as much weight as I can before my yearly physical, because THAT weight goes in my records! I want to forget everything I just went through, so don't you DARE do me wrong on the scale, bod!

SO WHAT NOW???

The end of this long dark bad health period officially comes tomorrow, because that's when I get my first post-Botox dry needling session. This should be an *actual* tune-up, to unlock the muscles that tightened due to me spending so much time in bed with injection bruising, and not a "compensating for all other failures" session. Woo! After that all settles, I'll get my first look at my "normal" feeling for the next three months. I can already feel some energy returning to me, but it's totally unfocused, and I've got retraining to do. I owe so many people something, be it art or emails, and I will tackle them as my erratic body allows. I don't have control of the order it happens in. It's just like this post: I began planning or composing in my head long ago, when it was needed, but I'm stuck waiting until those thoughts make it to the surface of my untreated-ADD brain, which is constantly being reset to full static due to pain. (As long as I have crippling headache, I can't take ADD meds - tho I risked body backlash and took one today, to force me to write this post.) It makes sense that the smaller tasks, and least-triggering of my many mental/physical issues, will get done first, cuz they can be done in a smaller window. Plus, I'm kinda relearning everything, so the important stuff will wait until I'm confident I'll do a good job. The one exception is me making an update for the Precocious website, because I DESPERATELY need to update it and let the casuals who periodically check in know what happened. I've had the next comic in the multiverse search scripted for over six months, but, again, I've really and truly been THAT ill. Anyway, no promise I'll stabilize enough to get to that important comic, no matter how badly I need to do it. I still don't know if my three pillars of treatment are even clearing the lowest bar yet.

MORE ON TWITTER vs other communication forms:

Here's where I once more explain that Twitter is pure surface-level impulse for me, cuz some folks have attacked me over daring to tweet if I don't do all my overdue obligations first. Look, twitter lets me appear halfway relevant and active, but it's a lie! See, without the ability for sustained active thought, I've programmed an algorithm in my brain to dump whatever thought I have on Twitter when I have a shred energy to allow posting, so you get lots of tweets about what's on the TV/computer monitor in front of me, or what the cats in front of me are doing. It's the only way people would know I'm alive and potentially worth waiting for! COMPOSING letters requires a totally different brain mode, and once concentration enters the equation, I break down and get exposed as the (literally) thoughtless fraud I am. Heck, I usually crash if a tweet thread I make goes beyond three tweets - especially if I hit the character limit and have to switch to ACTIVE THINKING in order to edit. I'm a goner then. 

Also, I chose to be open about my struggles online, because the nature of my disability* means I'm five years beyond a point where I could avoid the issue. (I held out as long as I could!) Also, I literally can't take this stuff to private chats, or keep it to hanging with friends. I seriously can't maintain conversations in text, because I'm so passionate that my face inadvertently emotes even when I'm typing my words, quickly burning me out. And I definitely can't talk to people in-person. I usually only visit with friends in-person once a year, and it takes a LONG time after to recover from it. Thus, I HAVE to move at the pace of tweeting, sharing when my body lets me, and hoping people I care about read it later. (*There's almost no chance I'll be approved for actual disability, even though anyone looking at me could see I'm wholly incapable of functioning on my own, because the system is deeply broke, and the Trump admin is actively making it impossible. See, showing any joy on social media is enough to get your application dismissed these days! Being honest was my choice, but I'd have to do it anyway.)

Ideally, I'll have more flexibility now, so I can write posts and emails more frequently, but this explains why I tweet when I don't respond elsewhere. (On days when I come CLOSE to function, but can't quite do it, I can FLOOD my feed with manic tweets. Today was one of those days! That's why I got frustrated and took the risk of the ADD med. (In my condition, ADD meds only work around 30% of the time.) I can usually do *one* task on ADD meds, so I don't magically become productive, and my weak-from-years-of-damage-and-stress body could burn out after a dosage and be wrecked for days. If you haven't connected the dots, riding a successful ADD med dose is why I'm trying to be so over-the-top through about my situation. Even while medicated, and I'm still so shaky that I need to dwell in a "hyperfocus" state and get it alllll out, because if I turn away I probably won't make it back to finish the task. Plus, if I get it down now, I can point to this post later and not waste energy I don't have to spare. We can hope I stabilize enough that I don't have to gamble and be so scared about energy allocation, but I'm not sure yet! Wait for future posts, site updates!

THE ART! THE STUFF THAT ACTUALLY MATTERS!!!!

If you skipped all the above, just know I'll need to start small and slowly relearn how to be the artist I was, even if everything goes right from here on out. (Ha!) That means minimal-pressure work at first, like the sketches you see in this post's art! But, haha, I'm SO BAD that I can't *plan* what I want to do AND also *do* that plan! By submitting your characters or pet pics - plus basic context/instructions, such as briefly explaining personalities, or if you want a pet drawing, or have the pet drawn in the style of a Precociousverse character - you give me a foundation that grounds me enough that I can produce something without burning out while planning. I can't focus by myself, so I need you to hold my hand and focus me! Please send your stuff! Give me some stability on days when I need it! Email me your references, or DM me on Twitter. Remember that it's hard for me to reply, so you might see your characters in a post before I write back that I got it. (It's not intentionally rude. Again, I'm *that* sick. I sacrifice so much to do anything. I'm doing the best I can!)

Oh, and cuz of all the chaos, if I haven't posted a character/pet you've submitted before, it means I LOST IT! Please send it again! (Except Codefox and Dana. Your messages came recent enough that I haven't lost 'em yet, but you can always send more characters/pictures if you have them!) Every backer, send all the drawing prompts (in whatever form) you want! I'd love to have lots of options to choose from. If you're not a backer, and reading this public post, I don't have proper Patreon tiers yet because I'm so unreliable, so pledge now and get these bargain commissions done before I become consistent enough to move those super-excellent rewards to a higher backer level!

As always, I'm in flux. I don't know when stuff gets done, what will get chosen (sometimes I don't click with a prompt, which is why VOLUME is the key), or what format it'll take. Most will be pencil warm-up work in my sketchbook, but sometimes you get ink, colored pencil or marker! Also, if I feel good enough to draw a comic, paid work, or even some self-indulgent Momentum art for me, I will *obviously* do that instead! The prompts are to anchor me when I'm lost in the void, and desperately need your assistance. Even without a 100% promise to draw your OC/pet, it's one heck of a risk/reward bargain for pledging to this Patreon!

Even if you don't want my art in ANY form, I still have massive medical bills, so all pity pledges are happily accepted as well! Go guilt your most generous friends!