Advance Update 11/3/20 (Patreon)

This time I did my edits and revisions in advance, but I'm still having some trouble with the formatting. Royalroad is quite obnoxious about it and doesn't play nice with either Patreon or my word processor - I'm trying to work on it. Hopefully the italics represented by underscores isn't too annoying for now. I'll make the effort to do it manually for these posts if anyone paying at this tier is bothered by it.

Abbey Gardens | 5:34 PM | First Day

"The bottom of the ocean...?" Kam looked behind her, out of one of the windows. "How is that possible? We were up in the Empyrean--"

"Perhaps it would be better to say _a_ ocean," he said, correcting himself. He reached over to the table in front of him, and poured himself a small cup of tea from a pot, placing it on a plate before bringing it up to his lap. "To be specific, we're under the northern Innocent Sea in the Atelikos."

I blinked, surprised. 

I alluded to this a little earlier, but when the Ironworkers were attempting to recreate the old world, they made seven attempts. The Mimikros was the seventh and final, while the other six were abandoned, becoming what were today known broadly as the lower planes. The Atelikos, from the Inotian for 'unfinished,' was the sixth. In contrast to the bowl shape of the Mimikros, it was shaped more like a octagonal plate or pan, and was slightly smaller, at around 12,500 kilometers across. In addition, while the surface of the Mimikros was around 63% water, the Atelikos was closer to 97%, with the only land area being solitary islands or archipelagos.

At least that was what I'd read. I'd never been there personally-- Well, until now, apparently. Travel to the lower levels of the Tower had been restricted since the Great Interplanar War; most people, even most arcanists, never did it. Knowledge of the subject had even begun to fade from the public consciousness.

"That was _cross-planar travel?" Kam said, her eyes wide. "But, the eris expense--"

"It's actually more negligible than you'd expect," he said, his tone relaxed. He sipped the tea. "You were probably wondering why you had to wait until a precise time that was a pretty arbitrary number, right?"

_Had_ I wondered that? It sounded like something I would've found strange, but I'd been so overwhelmed by everything going on back in that place...

"That's because the teleportation only initiates when this sanctuary lines up almost exactly with the position of the Empyrean Bastion," he explained. "Honestly, it's far from my field of expertise as it can get, so some of the finer points go a little over my head. But the Mimikros and the Atelikos aren't completely stationary. Rather, they shift and bob slightly with the weight as they turn and their lamps cross the sky, so what happens to be in the same place on the other planes is constantly in flux. Years ago, we mapped out a bunch of windows where this place's location lines up closely with somewhere discreet, and, well. Those became our entrances."

"I thought you could only travel between planes with a fixed, anchored gateway," Ran said, her brow furrowed. "Where one location is linked to another permanently, regardless of the change in position."

"Ahah, I see you know a bit about the subject," Linos said. He shifted forward, clasping his hands together. "No, that's the modern method, but there are others. This is a more archaic one that hasn't seen use since the Tricenturial War. It saves eris and can be done on the spot with only a little preparation... If you're willing to put up with a lot of inconvenience."

"And risk," Ran said, her eyes narrowed. "If it had been even a few moments earlier or later, we would have been put into either the ocean or the bedrock."

"And that, yes," he conceded, making an awkward, perhaps a little guilty smile. "I'm sorry we didn't inform you what was to happen in advance. If it's any consolation, we have plenty of failsafes. There's never been a single incident since this sanctuary was built."

"Of course," Kamrusepa said, nodding. "Using a gateway would require comprehensive infrastructure, whereas this... Well, I wouldn't go as far as to call it 'disposable', but..."

"It's a lot more discreet," Linos said, with a nod in turn. "Which is obviously important here. Incidentally, I apologize that you had to go all the way up the Aetherbridge. We wanted to use one of the ones at ground level, but the timing didn't line up properly."

"Oh, no, you needn't _apologize,_ of all things!" Kam said, holding up a hand. "Frankly, the journey added a certain mystique to the experience. And hearing this, well-- I must say, I'm incredibly impressed. It's more than I would have ever predicted. And to think I was imagining you using something as basic as an arcane refuge."

I flattened my brow. I was starting to wonder if there was anything the order could do that _wouldn't_ impress Kam. 

"I think the organization did have one, at some point before my time," Linos said. "But all it takes to infiltrate or destroy an arcane refuge is one lucky turn for a prospective intruder. We wanted something truly elusive, that couldn't be accessed through a static entrance at all."

"Um, forgive me for interjecting," I said, "...but doesn't the treaty of the Grand Alliance forbid permanent settlement on the lower planes?"

"Ahah. Well, yes." He looked away for a moment, scratching the back of his head. 

"Er, are we going to have to take an oath of secrecy after all, then...?" I looked over to Kamrusepa. "Because there was a questioner this morning who asked if it would be alright if we talked about this place, and I think Kam said it was fine."

"I _diiiiid_ say that," Kam said, drawing the word out with a coy reluctance. "But it's not as though we'd be crucified if we have to go back on it. Plans do change, after all. I'd have no objections."

...apparently there was nothing it could do to put her off, either. As you might've guessed, Kam normally held the importance of maintaining her public persona in the highest regard, so this was a bit of a character break for her.

"No, there's no need for that," Linos said, with a shake of his head. "This place is technically legal, though it's a bit of a technicality. This structure was erected before the treaty was ratified at the Illykrian Assembly, and was missed during the decolonization beforehand. So as long as we don't build anything new, it's acceptable." His brown eyes flicked downward for a moment. "As for talking about it after the fact, we have a measure in mind to make sure the location remains discreet. So you needn't worry."

"A measure, hm?" Kamrusepa raised an eyebrow, the corner of her lip curling upwards. "You'll forgive my curiosity."

"Hah, well, I probably shouldn't discuss the specifics," he said. "Although, I think you'll probably have a sense of it by the time this is all over.

Well, _that_ was a little mysterious.

"There was another thing," I said.

"Of course," he said. "Go ahead, Utsu."

_Utsu._ It was really only him and Theo, who still shortened my name that way.

"When the teleportation happened..." I looked downward for a moment, trying to moderate myself so that the strange moment of paranoia - was it paranoia? - didn't leak into my tone. "...we experienced something strange, like we weren't _anywhere_ for a few moments. Just in a sort of void. Ophelia-- Um, you know Ophelia, right? I'm assuming you looked into everyone, when you arranged all this."

"Well now, I'm not sure I'm important enough to have much in the way of arranging." He let out a weak chuckle, scratching at the side of his head. "I did look into everyone a bit, though, yes. If only so I wouldn't make any silly blunder."

"Right," I said. "But no, it was enough to make Ophelia throw up. It was very severe."

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that," Linos said, a frown crossing his features. "Is she alright?"

"She's doing well enough, I think," Kam said. "I think she said she just wanted to get up here so she could clean her clothes as soon as she could. She did say that, didn't she, Su?"

"I think so," I said with a nod.

"I wish she would have said something," he said, with a small sigh. "I would have asked ____ to get her some medicine.  Though she's a biomancer, of course, so perhaps that's a little condescending of me... But yes, I'm afraid that's a side-effect of interplanar travel, though it doesn't surprise me that you haven't heard of it. After all, you're all from the 14th generation."

"It always happens...?" I asked, redundantly. Something about this was still nagging at me.

"Yes," he said. He took another sip from the tea. "Though some people experience it worse than others. It's a consequence of the disparity in time passage between separate planes. Time moves slightly slower here relative to the Mimikros, to the tune of about eighteen seconds per day, and that dissonance means that the body can't be directly transferred from one to another, since it would be--"

"Out of synch," Kamrusepa said, interjecting. "I read about this phenomena when I was studying my discipline. Ugh, blast it." She slapped at her forehead with her fingers, though in a playful way that made it clear she wasn't self-chastising with much seriousness. "Now I feel foolish not for having realized what was happening there and then."

"Well, you were going in without much in the way of context, so that might be a little unfair on yourself," Linos said. "But yes. Since the body - as an amalgamation of objects - would be moving slightly too fast relative to the rest of reality if it simply went directly, the universe needs a moment to adjust it first. That's what you were all experiencing."

"It felt like a long time," I said. "More than a single moment."

"That's because you're temporarily existing outside of any external conventional time, Su," Kamrusepa said, holding up a finger and using her I'm-very-smart voice. "Your only sense of it would have been from your own body, which is a very subjective experience."

"Yes," Linos said, with a nod. "Some people get it much worse than others. Your poor grandfather used to say that it felt like hours for him, Utsushikome, so maybe something of it runs in your family."

It was funny how the idea of inherent things 'running in the family' had survived into the modern era, when it hadn't applied since the collapse.

"How was it for you, Theo?" he asked, turning towards his son for a moment.

"U-Um, it was alright," the boy said. "I think it felt like it was about a minute? Maybe closer to thirty seconds, perhaps."

"A little worse than me, then," Linos said, with a small smile. "I'm a lucky one. For me, it passes in just an instant."

"It was more than that, too, though," I said. "Something happened to my mind. It was like I felt half-asleep."

"Well, that's just a product of sensory deprivation," Linos said. "The body is designed to always be collecting information. When it's deprived of it, it starts to get a little confused."

I frowned. I looked to the faces of the others, and saw no indication that any of them had problems with this explanation - even Ran, who was somehow more skeptical than I was. And looking at the situation objectively, it was hard to find anything that seemed wrong with the explanation.

So why was something about it still bothering me, so much?

"If you don't mind," Ran said, "there was something I wanted to know, too."

"Oh?" Linos looked to her.

"I was wondering a few things about the mural in the room we were transported from," she said.

Theo looked confused, for a moment, but didn't say anything.

"Ahhh!" His eyes lit up with recognition. "The one in the Gynaikeian entrance?" 

Ran looked as if she were about to say one thing, then hesitated, her expression contorting in confusion as she switched to another train of thought. "...Gynaikeian? As in, for women?"

Linos's expression flattened a little bit, some embarrassment creeping in. "Ah, yes. You wouldn't know about that, I suppose." He cleared his throat roughly. "You might have surmised as much already, but the order has some, uh, shall we say somewhat old-fashioned customs when it comes to gender. I've never been completely comfortable with it, I admit..."

"Wait, uh, hold oh," I said. "You're telling me that we weren't split up to make our group smaller, but... Just because men and women have their own _dedicated entrances?_"

"Well, in this case, it was a bit of both," he said. "But that's not incorrect. 

"Why?" I asked, more baffled than especially offended.

"It's a hold-over from the conservative days when the group was founded, during the First Resurrection," he explained. "I believe the original logic was that men and women traveling together on a regular basis would be more, uh, prone to creating inter-organizational conflict, perhaps." 

_He means that they'd have started getting into relationships, and would have become distracted from the work,_ my brain translated.

"That's hardly a popular belief nowadays, of course," he said, in a reassuring tone that he didn't completely confident in. "But, well, the charter of the order can't be changed without a unanimous vote from all the members, which is almost never realistic. So the custom has remained..."

I didn't say anything, but I expected the reality was a little more complicated than Linos was presenting. When one has lived for a very long time, especially fixated on so esoteric a goal, it can foster very strange, long-lingering beliefs about essential truths.

I made a mental note to bring it up to some of the other members of the conclave later.

"Mm, yes," Kamrusepa said, her tone careful. "We heard a little bit about that from your man back during the trip - that stability and continuity is considered paramount over all else."

"That's the logic," Linos said. "Though I'm not sure how much I agree with it. In fact, ah." He glanced upward, and then gestured a hand outwardly. "The bedrooms here are split by sex, too. The ground floor is for men, while the upper one is for women. Your friends are probably learning that right now."

"It really is a good thing Fang isn't here," I said, my voice flat.

"Mm-hmm." Kamrusepa nodded, holding a finger up to her lip. "Well, I suppose there's a certain antiquated charm to it? I mean-- It's a harmless custom, really."

"That's sort of an unusual attitude for you, Kamrusepa," Theo said, chiming in for the first time in a while. "You're always getting, ah. Worked up about ill-treatment on the basis of gender, women being treated differently. That sort of affair."

"I think the word you're looking for is 'sexism', Theo," I said.

He scratched the back of his head. "W-Well, you know. I didn't want to make assumptions about her politics, or anything..."

_What was that supposed to mean?_

"I wouldn't call this _ill-treatment,_" Kamrusepa said, although something in her tone had a certain tactical reservation. Like she was conscious that her attitude didn't quite make sense. "It's just a little quirk, and it's almost pleasant to have these things acknowledged, every so often."

"I'm, uh, not sure I understand," Theodoros said.

"Neither do  I," Ran said, her expression serious. "Frankly, it comes across as a bit creepy to me."

I bit my lip.

"Tch, nevermind." Kam said, making a dismissive gesture. "And come on, Ran. There's no need to be _rude_ about it, at least."

"No, it's quite alright," Linos said. "I admit it's a peculiar situation. All I can do is apologize for it." He looked down into his tea, swirling the liquid inside around a little bit. "But no-- The mural. What did you want to know about it?"

"Mostly just what it was intended to represent," Ran said. "We were speculating about it earlier."

"Ahh, right." He took another sip. "It's supposed to represent the Epic of Gilgamesh, but you probably surmised that much yourself, right?"

Ran nodded. "Yes."

"Only because of you, Ran," Kam said, mirthfully. "Without your input, I expect it would have gone over all of our heads."

"It was simple enough," she said, nodding just a little. Ran didn't tend to respond with much intensity to compliments. She looked back to Theo. "I was wondering why it was supposed to be there, though."

"Hm, I see." Linos looked thoughtful for a moment, leaning his head forward. "The epic is something of a... Motif, for our organization, I suppose? In an aesthetic sense." He smirked slightly, although it feels wrong to use the word 'smirk' for him. I wasn't sure Linos's face was capable of producing an expression with any trace of actual smugness. "I'm sure the reason why isn't exactly subtle."

"Because it's the oldest story about the pursuit of immortality?" I suggested.

He chuckled. "Not a particularly deep explanation, but yes." He paused for a moment, his expression suddenly introspective. "Although that's actually arguable-- Some scholars contend that the resurrection narrative predates it, in some Old Kingdoms era mythology."

Ran seemed to understand what he was talking about, nodding. "It's at least the first one that was fully codified."

"That's true," Linos admitted. "I'm being rather pedantic, in truth. Old habit."

Upstairs, where was a thumping sound, probably from one of the others as they were settling into their rooms. There was a faint stir in the air. 

"Resurrection narrative?" I asked.

...although, in truth, I had an idea where he might've been going with it. Ran and I had both been interested in mythology when we'd been younger, even if I'd grown out of it in a way that she hadn't. But I was sort of curious about how he'd frame the concept.

"Ahah, forgive me. I'm talking ahead of my audience." He set the cup back ton onto the dish, for a moment. "There's a school of thought that there are two _monomyths_ when it comes to human narratives about the idea of eternal life. The first is the 'elixir' narrative, of which the Epic of Gilgamesh belongs. Where there is some potion or herb that can grant eternal life, if not for being just outside of the reach of man. While the second..."

There was another quiet thump. Overhead, I was pretty sure I could hear Ophelia say something, or issue some kind of command loudly, though not in a fashion that made her out to be in any kind of danger.

"...is the resurrection narrative," Linos continued. "Sometimes called the dying-and-rising myth. It's about a person - or deity, though the two are often interchangeable in a mythological context - dying, only to be reborn with new, renewed, and often superior life. The two both appear in essentially all cultures... But it's questionable which one came first." He hesitated. "Well, if one came first at all."

"If?" I asked.

"There's an argument that they're stories as old as the human condition itself," he explained.  "Concepts - or perhaps desires - that will come naturally to the mind of almost any living person. Primal, rather than cultural."

"You're talking about the archetypal hypothesis of comparative mythology," Ran said.

"Ah, you know a lot for your age." Linos smiled to her, looking a little impressed. "Did you know that, as a byproduct of evolutionary development as tool-users, all human beings are born with the instinctive understanding of how to sharpen out a simple knife from raw materials, in the same regard that a bird builds their nest? From a certain perspective, you could perhaps see the pursuit - or at least the fantasy - of vastly increased longevity in the same light. Something that strikes a chord deep within the heart; that people pursue, without truly knowing why."

"You're being a bit over the top, dad," Theodoros said, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Oh, c'mon, Theo," he said, though the words were warm - it wasn't a reprimand. "This is half of my life's work. Let me have my moment."

"Well, _I_ think it's a romantic way to think about it, at least," Kamrusepa said, idly crossing her arms. 

_Wow,_ I thought. _She's really sucking up like her life depends on it, huh._

"Thank you for humoring me," Linos said, with a small smile. "I might be over-intellectualizing it, though - more likely, there's just an inherent appeal to both ideas."

"It is rather funny that there's two distinct ones, though," Kam said. "I've never really thought about the subject in these terms, before."

"They have different fundamental appeals, I think," Linos said. And then a funny look crossed his eyes for a moment, his bushy brow furrowing in thought. "What's the better dream, do you think? Living forever, but only being young once? Or having to grow old and die, but then getting a chance to be truly young, all over again?"

_The dragon versus the phoenix._

"The dragon versus the phoenix," I said, the filter that is supposed to keep my insane trains of thought from leaking out of my mouth apparently malfunctioning.

"Ah, that's a nice way to put it," Linos said, pointing to me. "You always did have a literary way of framing things. Personally, I'd pick the phoenix, though I'm an old man, so of course I'd be biased to fresh starts."

"Well, obviously, either would be wonderful," Kamrusepa said. "I'd have said the phoenix in the past? But probably dragon, now."

"I suppose I'd pick dragon too," Theodoros said. "What about you, Utsu?"

"Huh? Oh, uh."

_Phoenix._

_Neither._

"Phoenix," I said, choosing the less awkward of the two answers.

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked to Ran expectantly. She frowned, seeming annoyed by the question.

"Dragon, I guess," she said, reluctantly. "I don't even really understand the other option. If you die and become young again, but your mind isn't somehow wiped, it's the same as staying young anyway. And if it is wiped, then... You're dead, anyway, right?"

"That's such a _you_ response, Ran," Kam said.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that."

"Hah, I suppose it's a bit of an abstract judgement," Linos said. He took up his cup again, and took another drink, this time for a few moments longer. "But we've gone wildly off topic, so I digress. The name the sanctuary is also taken from the epic - it's 'Apsu', the name of the sea in which Gilgamesh dives to retrieve the flower."

"Is that the reason it was built here at all?" I asked. "I'm sort of surprised how much interest the order pays to aesthetics, for a scholarly organization. With this, uh-- Motif, with the gardens. All of this..."

"One should never underestimate the power of aesthetics, Su," Kamrusepa interjected. "Man is a creature that is incredibly responsive to his environment. Reinforce a story in the world that surrounds him, and he'll stay more focused on following the script." Her eyes briefly flickered from me to Linos, presumably to see if this line had impressed him.

"I'd expect that's the the reasoning, yes," he said. "Though to answer your question, though, no. While it's a quaint idea, this place was chosen because the barebones structure already belonged to one of the members, not because being underwater makes it evocative. As for the deeper details of the mural itself..." He picked up a spoon, stirring the tea. "I might not be the right person to ask - I've only even seen it, once. You'd be better off talking to Anna. She's the one who set up the entrances in the bastion to begin with, and was involved in commissioning, I think."

This was in reference to another of the conclave members.

Ran nodded. "Thank you. I'll do that." She shifted a little on the spot, looking down the hall. "For now, though, I'm going to check out my room." 

"I, uh, think I'll go, too," I said. "I want to unpack before the evening gets going."

"Be my guest," Linos said. "It was a pleasure to chat with you both... And especially to see you again, Utsu. I hope you settle in comfortably, and I'm looking forward to your presentation."

"Thank you," I said.

"See you two later, then," Kam said, before turning back to Linos as the two of us started to walk away. "If you don't mind, sir, I still have a few more things I wanted to ask?" 

"Of course, of course," he replied, accommodatingly. "Why don't you take a seat instead of just standing there, though? And have some tea--Oh, hell, I probably should have offered everyone tea, shouldn't I? Gods above, my manners are going to rot in my old age."

"It's alright, dad..." I heard Theodoros say soothingly.

The two of us set off down the hallway to the right, the group starting to fall out of earshot. 

"We should find that girl who you have a crush on now, so we can get your luggage and our keys," Ran said.

"I don't have a _crush_ on her," I protested.

"Uh-huh. Well, she's probably upstairs." She turned her head upwards.

"Did you hear that weird sound from up there, earlier?" I asked.

"Yeah," she said. 

"It sounded like Ophelia," I said. 

"Yeah," she repeated, flatter.

"I wonder what happened...?"

"You should ask her," she said bluntly.

I looked at Ran closely for a moment, as we passed a set of windows. "You know, sometimes you can be kind of difficult to bounce ideas off of, Ran."

She didn't respond to this, simply staring ahead as we talked.

We turned a corner and came to a stairway leading to the upper floor. The ceiling in the building was unusually high, so it was more steps than you'd expect. It made me conscious of how tired I was starting to feel from the amount of walking I'd been doing over the past several hours.

"So what did you think of Linos?" I asked her, idly.

"Nice enough, I suppose," she said. "Seemed to like to hear himself talk. But then, that's most old rich men."

"I can't imagine how strange it must be for Theo," I said. "To be here with him, after being shut out of this part of his life since... Well, since forever."

She looked to me, an eyebrow raised. "Isn't it strange for you?"

I blinked. "Well... Yes." I paused, for a moment. "But not in the same way, I don't think."

We came up to the second floor, which was another hallway much like the first, only here the ceiling was taller still, with rafters and the curve of the rooftop exposed openly. It was also decorated a little more fancily, with walls that seemed to have been hand-painted with an intricate, flowing floral design that evoked the garden outside. In one section there was a mosaic of a flock of birds flying across an evening sky.

It was nice, but it - well, really, this whole place - felt strangely quaint. Not a setting that evoked a reclusive order of taboo scholars.

The area was almost empty - though I heard the muffled sounds of people behind the various doors, suggesting the others were in the process of settling in. We spotted Sacnicte heading down the corridor along the opposite direction.

"Uh, sorry," I said, calling out to her. 

"Oh, hey," she said, in the same aloof, casual tone as earlier. She stopped. "You were wanting your room keys?"

"That's right," I said.

She reached into one of her pockets and produced a keyring, before detaching two elegant, bronze keys and handing them over to us. She passed one to each of us respectively.

"Thanks," Ran said.

"Just doing my job," she said. "You're in room 3, just over there--" She pointed to a doorway to the side, and then turned to me, "--and you're all the way at the other end in room 7, at the back." She pointed to the end of the hall. "I left your stuff at the doors. That's fine, right?" 

"Yeah," I said. "That's fine." 

She nodded, and left. 

"I'm going to go get settled in," Ran said.

"Alright," I said. "I'll see you later, then?" 

"Yeah," she said, nodding. "Lemme know if you have any trouble."

She moved to unlock her own room while I walked down the hall. One thing that was starting to strike me was how quiet this whole place was, when there was nothing to fill the air; there were none of the ambient sounds of the city, but few of the countryside, either. No subtle hint of wind, no dripping of water. Just my footsteps against the stone flooring, without even much of an echo.

Soon enough, I came to the door, and took out my key. I held it out--

...and suddenly felt a disquieting sense of apprehension. Like something in my gut expected something _unpleasant_ behind it, and was bracing itself. 

I shook my head, and unlocked it anyway.

Sure enough, nothing seemed amiss in the interior. In fact, it was quite nice. There was a plush carpet, some archaic-styled furniture, and a large bed, as well as a window with an exceptional view of the gardens outside. 

There was also a logic bridge embedded into the back wall of the room - a pillar of black, obsidian-like glass, running from the floor to the ceiling. They really had spared no expense for these accommodations.

_Doesn't that strike you as a little strange?_ I thought, to myself.

_Strange? Why?_

_Because this is supposed to have been the first time they've ever courted outsiders in any serious capacity. Did they build this whole place, just for you?_

Alright, that was a little funny, now I was considering it.

_Maybe it's not just for guests,_ I speculated, _but rather for lesser members of the order. Or potential initiates._

They were both plausible theories. My inner skeptic was silenced, if only for the time being.

I picked up my trunk and bag, which were where Sac'Nicte had said they'd be, and moved inside, closed the door behind me, and began to unpack. I took out my clothes - I brought a dark grey dress, another stola, a blue chiton, a robe - and placed them in the dresser, set the books and runeplaques I needed for my presentation on the desk alongside my logic engine. I fished out my medication and some cosmetics and left them in the lavatory.

And I found the pulpy adventure novel that I'd been reading on and off for the past week or two about a ship overtaken by a mutiny. It was a loan from Ran; half of the stuff I read was. I preferred thrillers and mystery, but it wasn't terrible. I deposited it at my bedside table.

While I was unpacking, I noticed that, over the bed, there was a scenic landscape picture of a lodge in the autumn. The leaves on the trees that flanked the building had begun to brown, and fall to the earth below... Except it wasn't just _any_ lodge, now that I was taking a second look at it. It was obviously a picture of the building we were in, except for the fact that the environment was different.

But that was strange, too, wasn't it? This place obviously didn't have seasons. Sure, the plants would have to shed their leaves every so often, but...

I felt a lot of neurons firing but not quite reaching their mark in the back of my skull, and was overcome by the annoying sense that I was missing an obvious conclusion. I bit my lip, frowning to myself.

Running out of essential things to unpack, I abandoned the task midway and idly wandered over to one of the chamber's windows. It had a lovely view of the garden below, the subtle design, the careful mix of wild and curated elements. The contrast of the colours. 

I took a deep breath.

Sometimes it helped me to stop, for a moment, and ask the different parts of my mind what thoughts were lingering on them. To catch up. I closed my eyes.

Before that point, I decided to say something nice to myself.

_You've done well to have come this far,_ it said. _In spite of yourself, in spite of everything, it was still brave in a way you didn't have to be. Maybe you won't get the answer you want,but it will still be over soon._

It felt like a lie. In many senses it _was_ a lie. But it was important to keep me sane. 

and took accounts.

_I'm thinking that we shouldn't have agreed to come here,_ one said. _This was a terrible idea._

Well, _that_ wasn't particularly helpful. Hopefully the others would have a bit more positivity.

_I'm still thinking about that fucking time thing,_ another said.

_I'm thinking about the one person I do want to meet here._

_I'm thinking about how awkward it was when Seth made that comment about me with a parasol, earlier. I never make my feelings about sex, and tangential affairs, explicit enough, and it leads to avoidable misunderstandings, trading short-term awkwardness for long-term._

_I'm thinking about how hungry I am._

_I'm thinking about how I couldn't convey to Kamrusepa what was really wrong with what she said. It isn't that she wants to defeat death, it's that the love that drives her to do so is selfish and uncompromising. And can never be sated, because it's not truly about death, no, but the cruelty of the universe itself. People like her? They tear themselves apart, in the end._

_I'm thinking about how disgusting I am. How none of this needed to happen._

_I'm thinking about how this garden looks much nicer in colour._

I blinked.

_Huh._