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Looking for revision feedback (Patreon)

Published:
2021-05-04 14:39:48
Imported:
2026-06

Content

Hi, subscribers! 1 week break aside, I should have a bit more actual content for $5 patrons in the next couple days, but I wanted to get some feedback on the revisions I'm also squeezing in right now while doing general editing.

Well, I guess I should say the focus of the revisions. Basically, I was wondering which part of the early chapters, let's say 1-15, feel the most janky and worth a partial rewrite. A lot of them now feel strange to me when compared with the style and flow of the later parts of the story, but I'm not sure when that's particularly obvious to others and when it isn't. 

So, I was hoping to ask which stuck out to you or felt the most odd when first getting into the story. You don't need to justify your choice or anything - feel free with your gut.

Comments

dryff

Sorry I haven't been commenting much lately! I have been extremely braindead but I will take the time to reply to this!

dryff
>>59257887

I think the only thing I'd say feels odd about the beginning part is the first chapter opening with Su's elaborate "joke"? The emotion behind the attempt to indirectly express something she both did and didn't want Ran to pick up on in that sort of "plausibly deniable" way absolutely did hook me personally, but it does feel like tonally it's not all that representative of how the story pans out, in terms of being purely character-driven and the sort of humour it invokes, so it might fail to appeal to some people or to signal what the story is about in some ways. (Looking back I can see that you added a more explicit indication that Su's trying to express something to Ran through it since I last read, which maybe helps it seem less jarring as an opener but also kind of takes away some of the interesting emotional effect of having the reader gradually infer that without it being explicitly said? Not quite sure how I feel about it.) I'm not sure what you could do about that without changing the structure completely, but it does jump out as a bit weird compared to the later stuff.I think mostly the opening is fine though, and does a good job slowly establishing the setting and characters. I do remember getting slightly frustrated at the scene at the cafe with Ran being cut off just as they were about to start talking about Su's grandpa, since I had been sort of on the look out for what Su's emotional deal was for a while at that point after being hooked by the intro, and it felt like we were finally going to get some insight only to have it pushed back again. I guess it felt like after the first chapter we went a long time without getting much more hints into the sort of "mystery" proposed there as far as what Su had been trying to express and what her secret was, which felt disappointing given that I had sort of taken that as the main hook at the start, but obviously I can see now that it's something that has to be unveiled very slowly sort of by necessity. Other than that I don't remember being particularly put off by anything!

ice_lemonade

I thought about replying for a while but don't really have anything to say other than 'actually, I like the opening chapters a lot'. But even if this doesn't serve as substantial criticism, I kinda wanna get that out there, so here it is. Ok, I'll try to be a little more specific. Things I like a lot: Su's jokes, the assembly with Kam's speech, Su & Kam's arguments, the fun of trying to piece together what a 'prosognostic event' is, general worldbuilding stuff, and chapter 0. I guess I found some bits of the aetherbridge/empyrean bastion section confusing, like why do they have to go up this elevator thing only to teleport the rest of the way? And I had trouble visualizing the empyrean bastion as well. Right now I'm basically imagining a city thing on some kind of floating platform in the sky, but I'm not really sure if that's right. On re-reading, the thing that sticks out to me the most is not any pacing or story issues, but typos. There are a _lot_ of typos; I feel like I get taken out of the story once or twice per chapter by a typo. And I'm pretty sure a lot of them would get caught by a grammar checker.