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He's gone. (Patreon)

Published:
2017-05-08 16:20:43
Imported:
2026-06

Content

It happened a few days ago, actually.. I've just been processing and trying to distract myself as much as possible. My fear of seeing/hearing him in that state ended up resulting in not getting to say goodbye. I didn't have the money to fly there, my phone gets no service in our new apartment, and phonecalls always tend to make me nervous - so I used that as an excuse, but really I was just scared that he wouldn't recognize me. Now I'll never know, and it's entirely my fault. I just pray that he knew how much he meant to me in the end, that he didn't pass on feeling unloved and alone.. sorry, I shouldn't use patreon as a personal blog like this. I just figured you all should know what's going on.

Comments

Anonymous

we're here for you man <3

DreadSkull

My condolences. I'm sure he knew and understood. I hope you can atleast see your family and talk with them soon. It is tough to handle such things alone.

Tomoyuki Saito

Don't worry about stuff like that Anon. If anything it allows us to connect more with one another. I'm positive he understood your situation and knew that you were thinking of him.

Anonymous

I agree with dreadskull, I'm sure he understands and accepts your fears, because I believe that what people fear most about death is being forgotten. Your father likely didn't want you to see him in that state and would want you to always remember him as the strong man you admired growing up. Take heart that he Loves you and knows you love him, and that he is watching over you always.

Anonymous

My condolences. One day we will meet again our loved ones and all the pain will go away. I was never there for my dying grandma and maybe in some sense I understand how you feel. When I think of her all I can feel is her love for me. It gives me strength to go on.

zone

The fact that you care so much about him makes me assume that you had a good relationship with your father. If that's the case, I am sure he knows how much you care about him. My thoughts are with you and your family. Keep strong, my friend, we care about you.

Q

Hang in there bud. If you need to talk to someone, do it. It's not good to keep emotions bottled up Talking it out puts the mind as ease and allows you to collect your thoughts. Stay frosty, and my condolences friend.

Charred Heretic

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please, as much as you can, try not to dwell on how he died, but how he lived. It's cold comfort, I know, but living on in the thoughts and memory of a loved one is a good thing. You are his legacy. If you hold him in your heart, then some part of him, at least, remains.

Anon42
>>5081054

Sorta.. what makes it so hard is that we didn't connect at all when I was younger. He told me more recently that he didn't really know how to handle kids, and my mother was a very overbearing person when we were younger, so he didn't really know how to be a parent, and she would get mad at him when he tried. Since I was a kid at the time, I didn't understand any of that; I just knew that when I asked dad to play, he would say no more often than not. I didn't understand why, and it strained our relationship. Now that I'm older, and we could talk as equals instead of father and child, we had JUST finally started to connect with each other.. then he was diagnosed with cancer. By the time we started connecting, I was already thousands of miles away living on the opposite side of the US, and I only got to see him once, after his diagnosis. There are so many things I wanted to do with him, or talk to him about. I admire him so much, and knowing how troubled our past was, I'm terrified he didn't know how much he meant to me despite the rocky past we had. I just hope I did enough the one time I did get to see him to reassure him of how important he was to me.

Anon42
>>5081117

Yeah, you're not wrong.. I was starting to feel like a terrible person for how unemotional I've been during most of this - my only emotional moments were the two days I got the news, that he was dying and that he had passed - but writing up these posts and replies on patreon has certainly relieved me of that fear at least.. I have a tendency to stick my head in the sand (or videogames) and ignore what's happening when things start to stress me out, sort of a mental shutdown, but I can't exactly do that when I'm actively writing about it. I wish it was possible to just take the pain away, but I suppose it's better in the long run to feel it than to ignore it..

Chirutai

My condolences. Hang in there, over time, I hope you will be able to focus on the good times you shared.

blep

A nice hebrew proverb to deal with grief,i find is Say not in grief 'he is no more' but live in thankfulness that he was,might not do much for you,but it's something

Meh

I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say. I have a brother that I've pretty much lost contact with because of some family issues, and I wish I could just see him again, talk with him again, even just to know he's ok. So maybe in some sense I can understand. I hope you'll be alright, and that you'll find your way through this. Find a way through the pain to the light on the other side.

That One Guy Who Never Pledges

Damn, I missed a lot while I was doing other stuff, not having to do with this game. So sorry about what happened, and it's fine that you let us know what's going on here, it lets us know about stuff that might be getting in the way of development.

Lode Schonkeren

I'm nearly complete rubbish with expressing feelings and emotions, so i'll just say: My condolences and don't look at how he died, remember how he lived.

LOLGame

My deepest condolences. Hang in there.

olrikxox

So sorry brother, I know what it's like to have a parent pass away, it's hard but after awhile you learn how to keep going. My condolences to you and your family, I'm sure he was a great man and he lives on through you.

Lucina_shade

I had this happen with my grandmother last year..so close to her and then not there.. It's always hard. It will always 'be' hard. Take your time, my dude. Live for him, live for yourself, keep rolling with the punches.

Anonymous

I haven't lost a parent, so I can't totally relate, but I have lost a younger sibling, so in a way I can. It's a wound that'll heal if you take care of it and give it a chance, but it won't fade. As some of the other comments may make apparent, that's not a bad thing. Time will pass, and it'll get better, and when it does, I hope the good things he left for you with his presence will be easier to see than the scar left by his absence. I wish you and your family the best.

VC

I lost my parents, my father 15 years ago, and my mom 11 years ago. You can never forget them and there will always be an ache when you think of them, no matter how many years past. What you want to remember is the love he gave you and what he taught you. Always remember, he will be a part of you and his love will help thru the years. Best wishes and my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Anonymous

Last year, my grandfather made it to 80, he is still with me and healthy enough in my eyes, but during his birthday he talked as if to reminisce about all the things he has done on his life and asked for the opinion his familiars had of him. I was the last to speak and I just broke down in tears telling him everything he meant to me. My father was practically never a part of my life and a lot of people are capable of filling that place, but very few manage to make you learn not to resent your dad for his decisions, that achievement alone consolidates all his greatness for me... I'm telling you this because I realized that even though that moment was so definitive, I've come to the realization that is never enough, you always wish for him to be there just a day more, to experience more, new events give you more anticipation for things that you may want to share with him but he may not be able to see. I know that doesn't change the fact that you may have certain regrets because all human beings do, they are the biggest reminder of our mortality, but I hope it helps you to put things in perspective and make you be more at peace with things because time does not stop moving, and as long as you don't lose sight of your sense of purpose you will always have the chance to make sure that all that pain was not in vain.

Anonymous

Sometimes we shouldn't show up to disturb when someone is going to rest in peace. Crying in front of them can't help... Just be strong man, we are with you.

Saikuya

I know what that's like and I am so sorry for all pain it must be causing. I wasn't there when my grandfather died and now I take care of my ailing grandmother who suffers from Alzheimer's disease. When it's her time she wont recognize any of her children, or grandchildren, or even me even though I have spent the last 5 years taking care of her (I'm only 21) so I understand why you wouldn't want to see your father like that. My thoughts and prayers are with you my friend, I hope you make it through this in one piece

Renmaru

Having seen my grandmother in the later stages of cancer I can safely say that you're probably better off yourself remembering him as he was, and if he cared for you he probably would want that too. That said I do understand that it also gives some closure to say goodbye and some people need that. I still say that if I'd had the option to have not seen my usually tough kind grandmother in the state I saw her in, I would have opted out. It was pretty crushing for me to be honest. Take your time and I hope you bounce back. Just think back on all the positives he brought to your life.

soot face game

I'm sorry to hear that. Hang in there man. I know how it feels.

Johnny Larsson

Aye and i also know how it feels, and i feel with ya take ya time to collects yaself, we´ll be waiting and as "Soot face game" said "hang in there man"

laine clark

I am very sorry that he is gone. Just remember him how he would have wanted and dont let him be forgotten.

Joe Mon

losing someone is never easy... we all understand the need to talk about it

jin

If this brings you closure to some degree, then do it. No-one worth talking to is going to bash you for talking about something this major. The only advice i have so far is that it isnt worth drowning in your regrets, instead, aspire to be the person they would want you to be. Its easy to get sucked into the sorrow and regret. I know its hard, but the sun will shine again

Anonymous

I know your pain well. I lost my father and didn't say goodbye. That was 2 years ago, and I still hurt inside. I cry every once in awhile if I hear a song or think of a memory, or hear about someone going through this. My suggestion is cry. Just let it all out. Don't "keep yourself busy". It will only make it worse. I can say you will get over it (that is what I constantly heard) but you won't for a long time. It doesn't matter what your relationship with him was. You still loved each other and he knew you still loved him and have a life to live. Don't beat yourself up. Personally what made it worse for me was everyone telling me they were sorry. Grieve, grieve, and grieve more. Your father would want you to move on with your life. I know he is so proud of you

Kravenar Games

In 2010 I lost my father, I can imagine how you're feeling .... You have to be strong. Life sucks sometimes but people that are gone usually still give their presence in your life. You will be able to feel it time later. Be strong always, don't let the sadness got over you and drain all your energies... it's hard, but it is a must.

Horizon

If you need someone to talk to DM me.