happy new year!! (Patreon)

hey everyone! happy new year!!! thank you so much for being here with us as we enter the exciting and unknown that is 2024.

i realize i never posted about my hospital adventures, so this post is gonna be a public post in case anyone wants to know about what happened to me and my heart. the long-story-short is that i'm okay, and i'm gonna continue to be okay, and i have a lot of amazing people to thank for that! i'm feeling more grateful than ever before to still be here, and i have never felt more loved than i do now. from the bottom of my weird, racing heart -- thank you, everyone, for everything. if i thought i had felt grateful to be alive BEFORE all this, then i really have no words to explain how i'm feeling now. i'm grateful for every second, because -- putting aside the fear of sounding 'overdramatic' right now -- i legitimately thought my heart was going to stop, and i was doing my best to make peace with that possibility as i was sitting in urgent care waiting for the ambulance.

on dec. 17th, russ was driving us back to the studio to work on an exciting recording project. i had just refilled my second coffee for the day but hadn't taken a sip, and i was talking about the possibility of getting an airbnb one day / taking a weekend off when all of a sudden i got the strangest feeling in my body. it was like a wave of electricity washed over me, and at first i thought it was anxiety, but when i put a hand on my chest i knew something was different (plus, i wasn't having the shallow breathing that i usually get during a panic attack). i told russ to pull over and feel my chest, and once he did, i asked him to drive to his parents house which was nearby so i could get their opinion (russ's mom usually cuts through all my bullshit when i'm not feeling well and she's AMAZING at giving me 'tough love'). As soon as russ's mom put a hand over my heart, she said, "ok em, choose one: we're either going to urgent care, or the ER. if it was me, i'd be going straight to the emergency room, but whatever you decide, i'm driving you there. choose quickly."

of course, i picked the urgent care because i was hoping it wasn't anything serious and i'm a little afraid of emergency rooms / hospital rooms. when we arrived they told us we had to wait about 10-20 minutes in the waiting room, and i was still debating whether i should go to the ER. i asked the front desk, "if i pass out here or like, have a heart attack, you guys will be able to save me here, right?" and they reassured me that, yes, if i had a heart attack in the waiting room they would help me here. so i waited.

i did my 'square breathing exercises' / box breathing technique that i use when i get too anxious, and russ's mom was showing me cute photos of her granddaughter and trying her best to keep me calm. the strange thing was that i felt pretty calm at many points while waiting, but it didn't matter, because my heart was still a runaway train. the scariest part of all this was not the fast heart rate, but it was how HARD my heart was beating. i was leaned back in my chair, and my heartbeat was physically moving my upper body, so my neck kept bobbing with every beat. and at this point, i still didn't know how severe it was.

when they called my name i practically sprinted in the back, and they put me on an EKG. i tried not to focus on it, but i noticed the look of the nurse when he was reading the results. he said, "i'll be right back," and when the doctor came in, he said, "emily, i need you to stay calm, but i'm going to call an ambulance for you." nobody told me what my heart rate was, but i asked, "can i drive there? it's going to be really expensive for an ambulance..." and he said "emily, i strongly advise you to take the ambulance, because we need to slow your heart down as soon as possible and they can give you medication on the ambulance. how long has this been going on for?" and at that point, it had been about 45 minutes. he listened to my heart and was like, "yeah, wow, that is POUNDING." i asked, "can i die from this?" and he said "i won't let you die." (but i saw that he kind of dodged the question). i started to get more anxious and i asked him, "i'm sorry if this is silly, but can you please stay with me until the ambulance comes?" and he said "you are my number one priority right now, of course i'm going to stay with you. everything is going to be okay." 

when the ambulance came, they took me out on a stretcher, and i was so embarrassed. i hate when people make a fuss over me, and despite being a person-on-the-internet, i don't like when people stare at me in real life, and it's a double-whammy when they stare because of medical-related incidents (i guess most people don't like being stared at, but i get flashbacks to when my younger brother and i would go out in public; he had Tay-Sachs disease, and everyone stared at him because he looked different).

the EMT in the ambulance was SO amazing. shoutout to Mary, who kept me calm when i needed it most and talked to me like everything was normal. we chatted about the YouTube channel as the sirens screamed in the background and i took a photo of my Grimmies to commemorate the expensive, 'luxurious' ride in an ambulance as my heart went crazy. Mary messaged me later to see how i was doing afterwards and thanked me for riding in her ambulance. it really made me smile.

when i got to the emergency room i was put on an IV, gave blood, got an EKG and then was taken to get a CT scan with the contrast dye. i stayed in the ER from 6PM - 8AM until they finally moved me to "observation." i didn't sleep a wink in the ER, of course, and i felt so horrible for everyone else who was there. the observation room part of my hospital stay was just that: a whole of waiting and being observed. they did some more tests and checked my blood again because they wanted to confirm what they were seeing, which was heart enzymes in my blood. nobody really explained what that meant to me, but a quick Google search says this: "Your heart releases cardiac enzymes (cardiac biomarkers) when there's heart damage or stress due to low oxygen. Troponin and creatinine phosphokinase (CPK) levels rise after a heart attack. Elevated heart enzyme levels can also indicate acute coronary syndrome or ischemia"

eventually some doctors came over and told me that because of my EKG results and the heart enzymes, they want to do an "ablation" procedure on me. i asked, "is that like a surgery?" and they said "no, we don't classify it like that; we like to call it a procedure instead." to be honest, i had been awake for about 32 hours at that point, so i was a little foggy and the conversation happened very fast. i caught a few things like "the upper section of your heart needs to be zapped" and "you can look up the procedure on YouTube and watch videos of it" (THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M DOING THIS). I said, "are we doing that procedure today? like right now??" and they said "no, make a follow-up appointment with the cardiologist and they can schedule it for you. we also want you to wear a Holter monitor for 30 days, and we'll be mailing that directly to you."

so, i don't know, after a few more tests and a giant stack of discharge papers they let me go, and all in all i was in the hospital for over 24 hours. i asked them, "what should i do if this happens again?" and their answer was: "come back to the ER."

I'm REALLY hoping i don't have to go back to the ER, and i think it's kind of weird that there's no other solution for the possibility that this happens out of nowhere again, but i have an appointment with the cardiologist scheduled for next week. until then, i'm going to do my best to take things extremely easy while still meeting my deadlines.

I would be remiss if i didn't mention the extreme outpouring of love and support i've received over the past few weeks. russ, of course, has been incredibly amazing throughout all of this, and he had the idea to create a free bandcamp album in case anyone wanted to help cover the costs of the ambulance (which really DID make a sick album cover!) and i'm actually speechless about how many people downloaded and supported it. the kind messages i've received have actually brought me to tears; i don't want to be dramatic again here but i didn't know that many people cared about me. i got messages from people in so many different parts of the world, and knowing that i've had even a small, positive impact on them or their musical journey makes me feel extremely emotional.

again, words can't really properly express how i'm feeling today. the way everyone treated me in urgent care and the hospital during my medical emergency makes me wish i got into healthcare just based on how amazing and impactful their work is. i can never thank my urgent care doctor enough, or thank Mary enough for being so calm and awesome during one of the scariest moments of my life. i respect what they do SO much, and in another life i hope i could be a doctor, a nurse, or an amazing EMT. but right now, i'm just so grateful for them, and for all of you for being here, and i think i'm right where i need to be for now.

one of my favorite books has always been Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection, and i feel like it's never been more relevant than right now. since i try to be a minimalist in all areas of life other than pedals, i don't keep many physical books, but i do have a copy at home and i gave it a re-read -- which i usually do when i'm feeling super emotional like this. it's not a very popular book, and you can't buy it in stores, so i ordered it online many years ago. i don't even remember where i first heard about it, but it resonated with me so strongly, so i keep a journal to express things i'm grateful for. it's not like an official "Gratitude Journal" ™️ that you get at Target (NO HATE to anyone who has one of these, they look awesome!) but mine is just a raggedy lined paper notebook i picked up at Marshalls for like $5. i get intimidated when i have a nice journal or planner and i end up never writing in it, so having a crappy-looking journal is something i'm more comfortable with. the main point of the Naikan book is below:

some examples of stuff i write in my journal is like "my dentist told me i'm a very special person today" or "nana surprised me with matzoh ball soup" or "i let someone go ahead of me in line at the post office today". i don't officially categorize these things into sections, i just sloppily write bullet points of everything, so my journal is kind of a mess, but it's really really nice to be able look back two years ago and see what was going on in my life at the time. some events in my life get two bullet points; for example, i was at the post office and the postal worker was about to go on break but she helped me with my packages (the EMMAs trophies!) instead, and so i'm really grateful for that, even though she was grumpy and i caused an inconvenience to her. so i put "postal worker helped me mail 10 packages" and also: "postal worker was frustrated at me because she was about to go on break and i made her wait".

i don't really like to advertise that i do this journal thing because people might think it's silly and i really just do it for myself but i wanted to share how important it was to me in case anyone wants to try it, especially as we enter 2024. i want you all to know that i don't take you for granted, and odds are, you've probably ended up in my journal somewhere. and not for the things that you buy or donate. i mostly write about interactions; stuff like nice comments or emails i receive, or even just someone checking in to see how i'm doing. it's not for 'fueling-my-ego' purposes, but it's because i'm grateful and humbled that anyone even took the time to think of me, or think of writing to me and expressing how they feel. i won't call anyone out by name here, but please know that i do appreciate you.

if you're in the 'whoppie sr.' tier here on Patreon, December cards have been mailed out today, and they're late because i've been running late on mostly everything lately so i do apologize for that! i'm really getting back into the swing of things now and jumping back into my normal routine as much as possible, although i am definitely napping a lot more because of my cold-turkey decision to cut out caffeine since Dec 17. i haven't had a single soda or a sip of coffee since then, and i'll be honest: i'm having a rough time going through the withdrawal period. i also put a freeze on my gym membership for the time being, which i'm not thrilled about, because i'm really starting to miss my cardio sessions there. but my appointment is scheduled for next week, and i'll know more about what the next steps are pretty soon. in the meantime, i still have to wear this heart monitor until jan 20, and i'm just taking everything easy until then.