hi (Patreon)

i don't think i thanked you all for being here for the month of February yet, so even though this is a long overdue post, thank you SO much for being here. i wanted to keep everyone updated on this crazy health journey of mine, because this has honestly been one of the hardest weeks of my life. i went into the hospital on Monday, 2/12, for my heart ablation procedure, and it took them 3 hours to induce my heart into the SVT fast rhythm -- but apparently, thankfully, it was successful. my heart is still going the skipping thing that it's been doing since December, but not as intensely, and the doctors said it will take a few weeks to really settle down. so we'll know for sure if it was truly successful at my follow-up appointment next month. sometimes people need more than one ablation procedure, but i hope that this will be the only time i have to go through this, because it was really hard for me.

i am really bad at sleeping at hospitals (i don't know who is GOOD at it), but i stayed up the entire night after the procedure, even after the nurse gave me a huge Melatonin dose. every time i was about to drift off to sleep, i woke up gasping / choking for breath with my heart racing. they told me this was a side effect of the anesthesia, and it would eventually wear off, but it was terrifying to experience. if you don't know much about heart ablations or what the procedure entailed for me, they basically made two "incisions" (more like punctures) on both sides of my groin area and put wires up into my veins to get to my heart (🤢). they had to induce my heart into a racing rhythm so that they can "burn" it and create scar tissue to teach the heart not to do that.... or something like that. i'm not a doctor, and i was too afraid to read up too much about what the procedure entailed. i found out afterwards that they put a tube down my throat, because i woke up with the worst sore throat of my life, and both sides of my lower abdomen hurt so badly during the overnight recovery period in the hospital, i couldn't move my legs. the nurse kept checking on me periodically throughout the night, and she said, "are you normally a side sleeper? you can sleep on your side, you know," but i was in so much pain i physically couldn't turn my body. 

it wasn't the doctors fault (i had an AMAZING team), but it turns out i got an infection from the procedure, and i didn't know until later. i was afraid of something like this happening, and i didn't even know for sure that i had one, because this was the first "major" medical procedure i've ever had done to me. so i thought the pain level i was feeling after they discharged me on Tuesday morning was normal. they tried giving me breakfast in the hospital before i got discharged, but i felt so nauseous, i couldn't even touch it. i went home, laid on the couch, put Batman on Netflix and tried to take a nap, but again, i kept waking up with the choking sensation, and at that point it was going on 27 hours that i had not slept. as the day progressed, my pain kept getting more and more intense, and i reached out to a few of my friends who have had an ablation procedure to see what their pain level was. most of them said 4-5 out of 10, and mine was pushing an 8-9. i called my doctors to ask for any advice or strong pain medication, and they told me, "you shouldn't be in so much pain... if you are, go to the emergency room," which didn't sound ideal, because i had JUST gotten *out* of the hospital, so the last place i wanted to be was back IN it. so i tried to relax and stay calm. everyone else was telling me it was normal to feel pain after a procedure, and i didn't have any prior experiences to compare this to.

around 7PM, i tried to get up off the couch to eat dinner, and the pain was so excruciating i cried while trying to walk across the living room. i had a feeling something was up, but i didn't know what to do, and since this was the first procedure i've ever had, i just chalked it up to me having a low-pain tolerance. everyone was telling me "your body just needs to heal, don't worry!" but it still felt completely fucking awful. after dinner, i went back on the couch and watched movies to keep my mind occupied. i was in so much pain, russ had to physically move each of my legs whenever i wanted to get up.

i stayed on the couch until 2AM, sweating through my clothes from pain, when i decided to try to go to bed. my body did the thing it had been doing, but instead of waking up gasping for air, i was waking up with pain radiating from my abdomen. it happened NINE times (i kept track) before i finally gave up trying to sleep, and at 3:30AM, i finally told russ, "i'm so sorry, but you need to take me back to the hospital."

i should mention that on Tuesday, there was a big snowstorm here in New York, so my car was covered in a thick layer of ice that russ had to scrape off before we could go anywhere. the most excruciating pain of my life happened while trying to hoist myself to get up into the passenger seat. i almost couldn't do it, and every bump in the road almost made me start crying. when i got to the ER, i was in so much pain, i couldn't sit down in the waiting room chairs. 

the nurses in the ER saw me and asked me, "um, is your stomach usually distended like that?" because my abdomen was swelling up and sticking out. i mean, i'm not ashamed to admit that i've gained five pounds in the last two months because of no exercise, lots of rest, and late night stress-eating, but no, my stomach usually doesn't stick out like a big balloon. they admitted me right away and put me on yet another IV (they had to use my right arm instead of my left, because my left arm has a HUGE bruise on it from being poked 3 times).

the ER was fairly packed, even at 4AM on a Tuesday, and i had to wait a while to be treated. around 6AM, i started to have a tickle in my throat, and i tried to cough to clear my throat but coughing was so painful, i couldn't do it. i asked for water, but they said i couldn't drink any fluids before the cat scan, so after a while of trying not to cough, i started choking. thankfully, a nurse ran up to me and said "hug this blanket to your stomach!! HARD! i know it hurts but just give me one big cough and it will be over!" and stayed with me until i was okay again. poor russ was with me the entire time, and he's never had to see me go through so much pain like this. 

at 8AM, they came back with all the test results and discovered the infection i had from the procedure. they immediately put me on an IV antibiotic drip which lasted a half hour, and around 9AM, i was finally discharged. at this point, i was starting to hallucinate from exhaustion, because i had been awake for 49 hours (not counting the 3 hours i was under anesthesia, so i guess it was more like 46). 

i tried sleeping at home, but i kept doing the "waking-up-gasping" thing from the anesthesia until FINALLY, finally, my body let me sleep for a few hours. Wednesday was a better day than the previous two, but i was still having trouble walking, and i still needed help from russ when trying to sit down. 

now, it's Friday, and after two days of antibiotics and lots of Tylenol / Ibuprofen i'm FINALLY starting to go back to normal. i am so thankful that everything is okay and nothing more serious happened. i didn't want to make a big deal of it, but i read online that during an ablation procedure there is a 1 in 500 chance of stroke, and 1 in 1000 chance of death (!!). i know those odds are pretty good, but of course, i always still worry, like the feeling of when you board a plane and you imagine it crashing.

i still have more healing to do, especially where the puncture sites are, so i'm taking it as easy as possible and trying to keep my mind occupied and stress-free. i can't get to my studio because of the stairs i have to climb, and i'm not supposed to be taking stairs or driving for a while. my body has been through so much in the past 5 days, and the amount of different medications i've been given has been insane, and the amount of follow-up doctor appointments i have coming up in the next few weeks is also unreal. 

i'm still walking slowly like an elderly person, and i've taken the only shower that i'm allowed to take this week (they legitimately said "please only shower once in the next 7 days.... WTF???)... but i'm so grateful that i'm okay. this whole experience, ever since December 17th, has taught me to never take my health for granted ever again. even with my tinnitus (which i thought was the worst thing that was ever going to happen to me), and my ocular migraines, my body is so lucky to be able to do the things it can do. it may seem silly, but even something as simple as being able to walk around pain-free is such a gift, and i'm going to appreciate it every day that i can.