New Lyrics: "After The Rapture Pet Care" (Patreon)

In the grand tradition of "Bob's Dog Obedience School and Taxidermy Shop".

The Rapture is coming, it's almost here!And all true Christians will disappearRaised into the sky, towards the Pearly Gate,But not everyone will meet such a fate

The Jews, as usual, will have it rough,The atheists will go through all your stuff.Buddhists and Muslims aren't packing their bags,And worst of all -- what about Princess and Rags?!?

They say all dogs go to heaven,But we're not sure that it's true,So After The Rapture Pet CareWill look after them for you.

Our furry friends are the best you'll find,So it's kinda rude that they're left behind.Dogs won't take themselves to the vet,Cats can't work the can opener -- yet.

Our professional staff will keep ‘em breathin’,We’re board certified, every one's a heathen.We’ll make sure your pet romps and plays,Everyone else can sort out the End of Days.

They say kitties are little angels,But we just can't see their wings,So After The Rapture Pet CareWill treat them like queens and kings.

Our critics say we're scamming everyone we can,But, really, it's an in-case-of-afterlife insurance planThink of those loving fur babies sadly watching the door,Waiting for their human who aren't coming back anymore

(Gets ya right there, donnit?)

When civilization is laid to waste,Ten bucks a month will reserve your space.While the bourgeois riot against the plutocrats,We'll save your stupid dogs and cats

We’ve got blankets and rawhide chews,And phones to record their cute yaps and mews(Not that... YOU can... hear  ‘em....)We’ve got kibble and gooshyfood on the shelves --Hey, staff, are there any supplies for ourselves?

They say that we evangelicalsHave lost touch with reality,But After The Rapture Pet CareWill confirm your piety.

They say that the Rapture’s comin’,And apocalypse as well,But After The Rapture Pet CareWill make sure... your... pets don't go to hell!

Or your money back!