New Song: "After The Rapture Pet Care" (Patreon)

The Rapture is coming, it's almost here!And all true Christians will disappear.Raised into the sky, towards the Pearly Gate,But not everyone will meet such a fate.

The Jews, as usual, they've got it rough,The atheists will go through all your stuff.Buddhists and Muslims aren't packing their bags,And worse of all -- what about Princess and Rags?!?

They say all dogs go to heaven,But we're not sure that it's true,So After The Rapture Pet CareWill look after them for you.

Our furry friends are the best you'll find,So it's kinda rude that they're left behind.Dogs won't take themselves to the vet,Cats can't work the can opener -- yet.

Our professional staff will keep ‘em breathin’,We’re board certified, every one a heathen.We’ll make sure your pet romps and plays,Everyone else can sort out the End of Days.

They say kitties are little angels,But we just can't see their wings,So After The Rapture Pet CareWill treat them like queens and kings.

Our critics say we're scamming everyone we can,But, really, it's an in-case-of-afterlife insurance plan.Think of those loving fur babies sadly watching the door,Waiting for their humans who aren't coming back anymore!(Gets ya right there, donnit?)

When civilization is laid to waste,Ten bucks a month will reserve your space.While the bourgeois riot against the plutocrats,We'll save your precious dogs and cats.

We’ve got blankets and rawhide chews,And phones to record their yaps and mews.We’ve got kibble and wet food on the shelves --Hey, staff, are there any supplies for ourselves?

They say that we evangelicalsHave lost touch with reality,But After The Rapture Pet CareWill confirm your piety.

They say that the Rapture’s coming,And apocalypse as well,But After The Rapture Pet CareWill make sure... your... pets don't go to hell!Or your money back!