New Song: "Coconut Vampires" (Patreon)

There's a meme that's several years old, about using coconut water as an emergency replacement for plasma if you need, for instance, a battlefield transfusion. It's complete crap, of course ( https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/can-coconut-water-substitute-blood-plasma/ ), but that didn't stop people having fun with it. And I thought I'd join in.

If you need a blood trans... fusion,Have you heard the scuttlebutt?If you don't have any... blood packs,Get water from a coconut.

The same consistency as... plasma,It’ll do just what you need,And if it works like that for... humans,It’ll work when vampires feed.

You can keep away the coconut vampires,With the water inside that shell,Toss it to ‘em with a nail and hammer,And a bendy straw as well.You’ll repel, straw as well.

Now all the vampires in the... tropics,Sipping mojitos, rum, and ginOr maybe caribero... cocktails,Till the Old World vamps fly in.

They ask about the local... cattle,Where's the nearest babe or stud,The locals recoil in... horror,“You mean you still drink blood!?”

You can satisfy the coconut vampires,They're as vegan as Brad Pitt,They’ve settled down in Hispaniola,And with the humans cohabit.Vegan Pitt, cohabit.

Now, as it happens, this is... bull stuff,Snopes says you cannot useA cup of coconut... waterIf you want to blood transfuse.

But here's the part I find a... musing,Though you knew it wasn’t true:You bought the part about... vampires,Long enough to think it through.

There's no such thing as coconut vampires,No matter how much you might like,You can't sparkle with Edward Cullen,Or yell “Anarchy” with Spike.

Just remember the coconut vampires,This warning’s not too extreme:You can't trust advice about health careGiven by a Tumblr meme.Too extreme, Tumblr meme.Vegan Pitt, cohabit.You’ll repel, straw as well.

Music: "Coconut Telegraph" by Jimmy Buffett