Duct Tape Diva (Patreon)

Music: "Junk Food Junkie" by Larry Groce

This one was written specifically for Kit Matulich ( http://ducttapediva.deviantart.com/ ), a wonderful lady who's been costuming for longer than anybody cares to say out loud. She and her husband Josef do marvelous, elaborate work, especially with period pieces such a Medieval, Renaissance, Elizabethan, and Victorian. But they also do reeeal quickies when necessary, and in fact Kit has become quite expert with that universal problem solver, duct tape. 

You know I love those ornate costumes, I always add on more,

And they call me Elaborata on down at the fabric store.

I only use handmade needles to create authentic garb,

And my friends is always begging me to sew 'em a classic Medieval barb.

Yes, they are.

Oh, but at night I take out my strongbox, that I keep under lock and key,

And I shlep it off to my workroom, where nobody else can see.

I lift that lid so slowly, take a peek both up and down,

Then I pull out a big fat roll of tape, in ten minutes I've got a gown!

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,

As authentic as I can be,

But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,

And no one's faster than me.

Well, at the Ren Fair you can always find me at Ye Olde Bodice Shoppe,

Just pinching in a waist with perfect taste, and pushing up someone's top.

I use rich Corinthian leather, all my boning has real bones,

My genetically altered silkworms produce silk in waterproof tones,

Yes, they do.

Ah, but when I hit a deadline, and I need a cape or cravat,

A shirt or a shawl, I can fake 'em all in thirteen seconds flat, 

I can make for them the perfect hem, camouflaged with silver studs,

Then I take my payment for instant raiment they think are medieval duds.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,

As authentic as I can be

But at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,

Good Lord, how cheap can I be?

My friends down at the Costume Shop, they think that I'm first-rate,

I know everything about arts and crafts, and my workshop rates are great

I can put in a call to Carol Duvall, Tom Savini holds for me,

And I'm working on wearable liquid metal for Terminator 3.

Yes, I am.

Oh, but, folks, lately I have been thinking maybe I should change my ways...

Nah! I got the best of both worlds, and, I gotta say, it pays.

I'm a friend to Trisha Biggar, James Acheson and Animal X,

I'm the anti-Martha Stewart, and I bet I get more sex.

In the daytime I'm Ms. Historical,

As authentic as I can be,

And at night I'm a Duct Tape Diva,

Oh, Lord, it's all sticking to me.