[Wolf Lord+ Edition] Let me pick your Brain - Part 1 (Patreon)

This one features a massive spoiler for the next Patreon chapter (Chapter 14), so I can't ask the general Patreons on feedback for it.

Figured I could ask all of you instead, as you've already read chapter 14 yesterday!

The 'Let me pick your Brain' series is a series of passage feedback requests, in which I will be posting some (HIGHLY WIP) passages, to receive some general feedback on for future chapters.

That means this post will contain MASSIVE SPOILERS for the upcoming chapters.

If you would prefer not to be spoiled and rather read full-chapters when they are released, feel free to ignore this post.

For the rest of you, I'd like to hear your opinion on the following passage:

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Passage Feedback Below --------- That means there are spoilers involved! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[There is no further context required for this passage.]

[Beginning of passage]

Seeing Thea assume a low, nearly crouching stance in the centre of the arena in preparation for the first round to begin, Astra could not help but marvel at her form. Her eyes remained glued to Thea as she maintained her low stance, the air in the arena charged with anticipation. As the buzzer sounded, Thea shot forward with incredible speed, closing the distance between her and Lan in the blink of an eye.

Astra was amazed at how Thea seemed to dance around Lan, evading his chainsword swings effortlessly and using her smaller, more agile frame to her advantage in such a way.

Despite being in the same class as Thea and being around the same age, Astra felt like she was watching someone from a different species entirely. Thea’s ability to perfectly stay out of reach for each of Lan’s brutal-looking strikes was a testament to her incredible forethought and control over her own body, something Astra had always struggled with in her own combat exercises.

'Her form is just so… perfect. I’ve never seen anyone fight with two knives like that; it’s like they’re a part of her body, rather than weapons wielded by a Marine… My sword style would not stand a single chance against her, whatsoever...'

As the fight continued, Astra's admiration for Thea only grew stronger. She was awestruck by Thea's strategic thinking and her ability to adapt to her opponent's movements in real time, despite the doubtlessly stressful balancing act she had to nail to keep up the pressure without being caught by one of Lan’s strikes.

Astra could tell, looking in from the outside and sharing a similar combat style to her, that Thea was calculating each move with precision, her eyes scanning Lan for any signs of weakness or hesitation without pause.

She couldn't help but hold her breath as Thea dodged yet another powerful swing from Lan, her body twisting and contorting in seemingly impossible ways to avoid the deadly chainswords, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Up until this point, Astra had thought that Strength builds were inherently superior to Dexterity for close-range combat, but seeing her idol effortlessly dodge, contort, and twist through the oncoming assault of attacks, hope regarding her own Attributes blossomed in her heart. Inspired by Thea's performance, Astra resolved to push herself harder in her training going forward and attempt to emulate Thea’s graceful and fluid, yet deadly combat style.

She had been awestruck by Thea the first time she saw her on the podium the day before. A mid-worlder in Alpha Squad. Not just that, but an undercity cyan mid-worlder.

For Astra, Thea was a shining example of the heights that even mid-worlders could achieve.

Even if the inner- and core-worlders in her class mocked her and the other mid-worlders or looked down on them, having Thea and Isabella in Alpha Squad was a clear testament to the folly of their thoughts, that mid-worlders were somehow inherently inferior to them.

She was further amazed at how Thea seemed to anticipate Lan's next moves, always staying just out of reach of his weapons, regardless of how dangerous a given swing seemed to be. It was as if Thea was simply toying with the intimidating, hulking man.

When Thea timed her moves just right to exploit Lan's vulnerability and injure his arm, leaving him visibly frustrated and off-balance, Astra could not help but yelp in surprise at the sudden change in the fight. This opening should not have existed!

Astra herself had not been able to find any opening in Lan’s defences, much less such a devastating one, despite her best attempts at doing so. Although Astra was an outside spectator, she had somehow been less capable than Thea, who was in the middle of a fight for her life, at spotting this minuscule chance.

With sparkling eyes, Astra followed the rest of the fight, as it was clear to her that Thea had already won the first round with that decisive strike. Being injured in such a way, Lan was obviously unable to keep up with Thea who rapidly closed out the round with another incredible gambit by throwing her knife to distract Lan, and get close enough for the kill.

Seeing the spectacular finish to the first round, Astra jumped up in joy, unable to contain her excitement. As she was clapping and celebrating Thea’s first win, Astra suddenly realised the looks she was getting from her fellow Marines around her, who all seemed to be taken aback by her candid show of support for the winner of the first match.

Feeling slightly embarrassed by their glances and the fact that she had so openly shown her support for her idol, Astra lowered her hands, smiled sheepishly, and said, “Ah… My apologies…” while trying to regain her composure in the midst of her fellow Marines.

Looking back towards her idol inside the arena, she saw Thea casually walk back towards the centre of the arena, readying herself for the second round. Astra quickly returned to her previous spot close to the blue barrier, anticipating the beginning of the second round with bated breath…

[End of passage]

What do you think of this passage, as in: First Impressions?

Was it entertaining and if so, why?

Was it not entertaining and if so, why not?

Do you feel it adds something to the story, to see the fight from Astra's PoV?

Do you like different PoV inserts, such as this, in general?

Are there any major changes you would personally like to see?

Thank you for partaking in the feedback!