Self-Awareness

"The short version is that I started seeing a woman older than me. We helped each other through a difficult time, and we grew close. Then I got past the first obstacles and things began going well for me. She was still struggling. And with my personality... Well, you know. She knew too, but never said much. It's complicated. I'll skip the middle. Eventually her own ability, with a little push from me, got her noticed. Then I made a film with her best friend."

"Her friend knew we were together. Maybe she wanted to see what kind of man I was, or maybe it was something else. She approached me while we were working, and some things happened that weren't exactly pleasant. Afterward she used them to get me to do her a favor. I agreed, but she forgot to explain it to her friend, who thought we were dating. They're very close, so that was a disaster. Nothing had happened between me and the friend at that point. But with my reputation, she wasn't going to believe me. I accepted the blame and kept apologizing."

Adrian reduced what followed one of their arguments to a change in their relationship. He did not tell Charlize how Nicole had resisted him upstairs or that she had asked him to stop.

He stopped, as if the tangle was best left unexplained, and turned his glass in his hand. After studying it for a while, he looked up. "What do you think?"

The beautiful woman beside him, her long legs crossed, tapped her glass. Before she could answer, he added, "Wait. You can skip the part where you tell me I'm a bastard. And there's no need to guess who they are, even if you know at least one of them. I just want your opinion."

"What does that leave me to say?" She shrugged.

"Well..." He drew it out for a few seconds. "You could at least comfort me."

"Comfort a bastard? Sorry. I'm not in the mood."

"Come on, Charly. I'm confiding in you like a sister." He sighed.

Charlize raised an eyebrow, an undeniably attractive gesture. "Don't you already have a sister?"

He was in no mood to appreciate it. "She wouldn't comfort me. She'd find every possible way to enjoy watching me make a fool of myself."

"Sounds as if she's doing the right thing." A faint smile accompanied Charlize's casual answer.

"Charly!" He rolled his eyes.

Charlize was not convinced by his misery. Beneath it, she saw satisfaction: he had found a way to justify betraying the woman he loved. She did not give him room to argue. "You just want someone who'll listen and keep your secret. It doesn't really matter who. You should go to a priest, not your sister."

He opened his mouth, then sighed and finished his drink.

Someone interrupted before he could try again. "Hey, Adrian, why do you two keep sneaking off to drink by yourselves? Aren't we good enough for you? Our film's doing pretty well, remember."

"I know, Mark. I wanted to wander around on my own. Charly was here on her own too, so we talked. Is that a problem?" Adrian made himself sound impatient as Mark Wahlberg approached.

"Oh, really?" Mark looked from one to the other with a grin. "I just thought I'd remind you how awkward it could get if a reporter saw you and got the wrong idea."

Adrian rolled his eyes. A fair number of people knew his relationship with Nicole was an act, and not all of them were discreet. Katie had let it slip now and then, though she could hardly explain where she had heard it while keeping her own relationship with him secret. Most people still believed he was dating the actress who had just won an Oscar. He liked Mark, but not enough to have told him that particular secret.

"All right. I know. I'll come back." He raised his hands in surrender. He and Charlize had said what they needed to say, and she had punctured his self-pity thoroughly enough. He could go back and trade stories with the others, although...

Mark laughed. "What's with you? Why does coming over sound so painful? Are we that frightening?"

He turned to Charlize. "You should join us too, Charly. For his sake, if nothing else."

"I'll pass. He doesn't need any more comfort from me." She lifted her glass and left the bar.

Watching her walk away, Adrian was still struck by how beautiful she was. He sighed inwardly. Since working together the previous year, they had seen each other occasionally and talked on the phone about all kinds of things. This was the first conversation quite like this one, but it did not feel out of place. Their experiences had enough in common that they trusted each other. That made it easier to speak openly.

He understood her criticism. However bluntly she had put it, Charlize had seen through him. What he called regret contained satisfaction too. Recognizing that did not make him fully remorseful.

Not knowing what he was doing, or why, might be the worst part. He had not expected that night to end as it did. At first he had wanted to punish Nicole for threatening him: if she was going to say that about him, he would give her something to complain about.

He would later tell himself a simpler story, but the night had begun with Nicole asking him to stop. His retaliation turned sexual despite those requests. It continued through the night and into the next day, and he remained at her house long after the first confrontation.

When Adrian finally left, the three months of publicity meant the reporters found nothing remarkable about his stay. They described the relationship as close and continued speculating about a breakup. The women in his life did not read much more into it. For him, however, things had become more complicated. Before, he could tell Katie and the others that nothing had happened between him and Nicole. He could no longer say that.

Nicole had not caused him further trouble afterward. He had ordered a limited-edition Chanel dress and had it sent over as a partial apology for the one he had torn. But what came next? What did he think he was doing?

With The Italian Job opening in late May, he had first told Charlize a little at the premiere. When the opening-weekend figures came in, twenty million dollars was respectable enough for Paramount to throw a celebration, and he had taken the opportunity to tell her more.

Charlize had exposed the part of his account he preferred not to examine: his interest in Nicole had been real. Recognizing it did not make his account any less self-serving or settle what came next.

"Hey, Adrian. There you go again. Why do you keep staring into space?" Mark complained. "Don't tell me you're thinking about your girlfriend. If you miss her, you should have brought her."

The others laughed, but Mark was not finished. "If you're uncomfortable without a woman beside you, go and talk Charly into coming back. Just don't blame us if the story gets out."

That earned an even bigger laugh.

"Enough, Mark. I'm just a little worried. We had an unpleasant conversation." Adrian kept the explanation vague.

"A fight? That's nothing. Get Jason to teach you a few tricks. He'll have her smiling again. Forget the tough-guy act on-screen. He's very gentle with Kelly." Mark turned his teasing toward Jason Statham.

Jason did not take it up. He smiled, but the effort showed. Adrian was uncomfortable too and avoided his eyes. "Can we drop it? Let's talk about something else. Twenty million on the opening weekend, for instance. Turns out I look pretty good as a villain."

"You do! I still remember that punch Charly gave you." Mark laughed, and the others joined in. Jason laughed with them.

Kelly's absence spared him another awkward encounter. At the premiere several days earlier, she had told him she did not want to continue with Jason. He had followed her away from the others, and their private encounter afterward was why he had avoided the group. If Kelly had come tonight, he would not have joined them despite Mark's insistence.