McMeddon Status Report - Goodbye Dad (Patreon)

First: Thank you all 🧡

Theres much to say, but i will try to keep it "short".
The past off time requires a little note, message, statement for my given (reduced) inactivity. I was indecisive if i wanted to share such private things so "publicly", but i owe my privilege, my daily life, all the support, and achievements to you all, so yea here we go.

First of all, thank you all, for the ongoing support, you continued your support, which enabled me to endure, survive, and tackle these topics in the meantime.

TLDR, So, What Happened?:

• Was struggling mentally,

• and then witnessed the death of my dad this year,

• then handle & help with the aftermath,

• also moved to an new apartment,

• and had been doing poorly mentally and physically during all that,

• but, compensated poorly, but soon realized and made changes, and been trying to improve from week to week further for the past weeks/months.

• and in the meantime been trying to release new worlds when ever i could or were able too ~
  
  Ngl, these were some hard times, but i try to do my best.
  
  
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The Passing:

I witnessed the final day and hours, and it was like being hit with a 100 trucks, i crumbled like a dry cookie into 1 mil pieces.. so to say. It technically was a "peaceful" death.. after a long illness ridden journey, but for everyone else it definitely felt not peaceful.. more like a emotional nuke.. for which i was in no way prepared for.

With my dad gone, a whole cornerstone, a safe harbor, a foundation, a library of wisdom has been lost. What followed were the weeks of trying to deal with the new situation, and trying to managing it and myself.

After the Passing:

Ive spent most the time with family, just being there, and ofc also taking care of the smoll fuzzy car 🐈. Then multiple weeks were:
- a lot of Gaming
- Compensating (junkfooding away )
- Binge watching old series
- Throwing myself into a sideproject
- - oh then there was also the PC #RIP moment, that killed the main machine, and forced me to redo all. Files are safe, yet, all had to be setup again on a new machine. (Turned out that Microsoft put out a patch that caused unfix able errors in SSD´s when heavily written, that ripped a week+ away)
- and the rest i dont even remember, time zipped.. days ..and weeks flew by.

How i deal with it:

Tbh idk, probably ask me in a year again, its all pretty mixed, i have a realism view mostly, and rationalize mostly, although it makes me deeply sad, when ever im confronted with it, like writing this post. And additionally i noticed the heavy motivation drain months back, which was/is quite hard to overcome, ngl.

Being a professional in debating myself into misery.. im well aware of the pitfalls, thought devil spirals and sadness traps, and am able to navigate them or mindfully actively stop them when popping up.) So i try to find for every day something positive, or enjoyful to find: Sunshine, a bird, a funny cloud, a nice meal, a happy song.

Probably being more thoughtful than ever been, atm, now months later..
Reminding myself to always pickup a small light in these long dark nights.

Moving:

Well faced with the new situations.. the family had to move to a new home, out of the family house - out of home, and me this year too, i had such plans too since for the past year, and then in the past months a chance opened up to move from my shared apartment to a new space. So plenty of time went into these topics (searching, exploring, checking out locations, planing etc). And then yea, we all had been helping renovating, organizing, getting rid of stuff, and well the moving. Now being in the final stages, but not fully done yet.

On that note..
due to you guys´s support, i was able to move into my own small apartment.
It feels surreal.. and scary tbh, yet im grateful beyond words.

Feels surreal to think about, that im here, because people believe in & support me and the stuff i have made / created. Thank you, truly.

(new desk at the new place)

Physical and Mental challenges:

Mental:
Well... what to say.. me and the struggle are best friends by now lol.
Having had experiences before with these deep negative emotional waves, kinda helped coping with the whole situation, or well maybe "ease" it, but prolonged it. Yet motivation drain was a real issue that only increased with the growing frustrations and setbacks..

My coping methods were "gladly only" gaming, eating and isolation. So instead of a alcohol bottle or other drugs, my dumb ass got 1 million energy drink cans, and way to many ordered pizzas and what else. And in my personal time.. i sat down and grinded endlessly games or watched series/films.

All definitely not healthy as i quickly realized, that i fastly gained so much weight, and also been nuking my body with the whole energy drinks and sugar stuff. I felt sleepy and energy deprived whatever i did and i felt drained and empty non stop - noticing: no energy was ever in these cans - grrrr.


Physical:
In the past 1-2year i had put down/paused my great cycling efforts.. which definitely downed my body heavily. So i picked up some sport and running again, only to quickly notice, that everything quickly developed into pain, and being disappointed with me/myself.

It was so frustrating, demotivating, and downing; knowing of what i can be capable of, and then seeing my poor performances and issues..
I barely could walk multiple km or run 1km ... (im now at 6km yay but oof) or stand for any long period, since i basically havent moved for a 1-2 years at all. I therefore became so weak which crushed me.

Joints, hip, back, lungs.. felt nuked, stamina gone, brain dead, energy poof..
All further adding more dread to the whole burden stuff to carry on.
Tho it is improving from week to week.

On a up-note:

I try taking my time, trying to have many positive days, trying to improve on my physical health, I cut down on the the energy drinks fully, and minimized the sugar stuff, i tried eating more healthy again. I am now in an new environment, and also trying spending more time outdoors for my mental health. I regained surely alot of energy again yet physical and mental painpoints remain.

I guess only because im on an upswing again, it feels like i could do this post finally.
I kinda had different and more productive plans for this year..

Ngl, these are some hard times,
but i try to do my best and most,
with the time and energy i have.

Once again - Thank you all for your continued giant support 🧡

New maps? When?

Done & In the works,
https://www.planetminecraft.com/project/lutornis/
https://www.planetminecraft.com/project/montrimos/
https://www.planetminecraft.com/project/nolypsos/
https://www.planetminecraft.com/project/ottabergon/
will be doing some smaller maps first,
getting into the rhythm again,
and then tackling the big worlds again.

Car Tax 🐈