May I Enjoy My Life: Entry 38 (Patreon)

8/6/1100

Growing up, you didn’t talk about the Fallen. Oh, you knew they existed. Maybe you even knew someone’s neighbor, or a distant aunt, or even a friend of a friend who had Fallen. But you didn’t talk about it. Just like you didn’t talk about the Infected. Actually, until I was like, eight or nine, I thought it was the same thing, and that you automatically Fell if you got Infected. Oripathy is like, super rare in Laterano. Not as rare as Falling, accidents happen, but pretty rare. In fact, Laterano is the only nation on Terra where Oripathy or murder isn’t the leading cause of death. Despite the fact that basically everyone, well, all the Sankta, carry around guns. 

I’m sort of rambling, but there’s a point here: That is, if you Fell, you were Unpersoned. Exiled from the City, don’t come back. Same with becoming an Infected. No one talked about you. It was basically like you died. So when I say I had the same paranoia and fear of Falling that my entire race did…understand what I mean is that it is pants-wettingly terrifying to a Sankta to Fall. It’s like you die, only worse, because you have to keep on living. 

Then, Mostima Fell. Mostima wasn’t a distant relative or someone I’d only seen in passing: She was Lemuen’s Bestie. She was over like, all the time. She used to babysit me if Lemuen had to go somewhere and couldn’t take me. She was only a few years older than me too, so we even hung out sometimes. I’d consider her a friend.

Then, she Fell. I was heartbroken. Completely and totally. I even snuck out of Laterano to visit her while Lemuen was still in the hospital: She was being treated at a convent outside the city. I talked to her and…she was fine? She didn’t have Empathy anymore, which scared little me silly, but she was still Mostima. 

That’s when I realized it was all a bunch of bullshit. People didn’t die when they Fell! They weren’t cursed, or turned into soulless zombies or whatever. They were just…different. But people become different every day. You go on a life-changing trip to Kjerag? You could become a completely different person! Get married and have a kid? Totally not the same as you were before. It was the same with Falling. Mostima was still my friend. If anything, Lemuen had it worse in some ways, as she was confined to a wheelchair for years and lost her entire career. 

So, I left Laterano. I met a lot of people who didn’t have Empathy. At first, it was really hard. I’d always tried to get along with the liberi and other races at school, but they were always…other. Different. But outside Laterano, everyone was like that! Oh yeah, I got the shakes and was a bit of a nervous wreck for a week, but I pushed through it! Shit, my best friend is now an autistic lupo! My next best friend is, well, OK, it’s Irene, but after that is Mudrock! Well, maybe it’s Croissant, I’m not in school anymore ranking my besties, but the point is Behemot and Surtr are two of my best friends, and I was taught to hate them growing up!

So the Law, and Empathy, are a bunch of horseshit, and I’m better off without them both!

Which is why I totally wasn’t crying back at base camp. Everyone else had left to go find the Arbor. I…was on Suicide Watch. I wasn’t going to do it, that’s not how I roll, but…well, I can see why they took away my guns and have me on 24-hour observation. Zoey was sitting with me at the moment and talking about, what, I wasn’t really even paying attention. She’s great though, and I just needed someone. I didn’t have empathy anymore, but, you know. I can still connect with people. 

“Mail’s here!” a cheery voice called, and I blinked away my tears and looked up to see a grinning Odda, holding some packages. “Is Exusiai here? I have one for- wait. Exusiai?”

I sniffed and stood up, quickly dabbing my eyes dry and smiling. “It’s me, Odda! I might look a little different, but I’m the same Exusiai as always.”

Odda swallowed heavily, then stepped forward, holding the box. “It’s…it’s for you. From Siracusa.”

“Siracusa?” I frowned, taking the box from him. I opened it up, and found a tin of biscotti, a bottle of red wine, and some Siracusan candies. There was also a picture, which showed Boss, Croissant, Sora, and Lappland, all smiling around a table laden with food. I flipped it over to find a note in Sora’s neat handwriting. 

Missing you and Texas! We’re all together in Siracusa! We know you’re still protecting that VIP, and we know you’ll do a great job, Lemuel! Hope to see you again soon.

They’d all signed it, even Lappland. Tears flooded my eyes again, and I felt my knees giving out. Strong arms grabbed me and helped me stay upright. “Easy, there. You, uh, OK? Shit, that’s a stupid question.”

“I, I’m fine,” I gasped, scrubbing away the tears. I glanced over at Zoey, who was standing close by, concern on her face. “Hey, it cool if I go out for a bit with Odda? Um, h-he can walk me back, later. I just…I need some fresh air.”

“If you’re sure. Odda, will you bring her back to the med tent? Don’t leave her alone,” Zoey warned. 

“You got it, Honeyberry,” Odda promised. “I won’t let her out of my sight.”

“Good, I just…I could use someone to share this bottle of wine with, somewhere that isn’t the first aid tent,” I laughed, though it felt forced. 

We walked away, me clutching the picture, and staring at it as hard as I could. So hard that Odda had to steer me around a lamp post and a few cracks in the pavement. We were still in Gran Faro, and it was just after noon. Really too early to be drinking, but I didn’t really give a shit about that. 

We walked to a small park, sitting at a picnic table. Odda produced two tin cups from his messenger bag, and I popped the cork on the wine and poured for both of us. I downed mine instantly, but I didn’t pour another cup, as Odda was nursing his. 

“So, um, how do you like my new look?” I said, smiling at Odda. 

He nearly choked on his wine. “I, uh-”

“Be honest, now.  You like the horns better than the halo, right?” I asked, feeling at them. I had two horns that curled up from the top of my head. They pointed up more than Mostima’s had, but were definitely Sarkaz horns. My hair had also faded. The dye I’d put in had washed out supernaturally, and my hair was a rusty blood red. More of a Sarkaz color than a Sankta color. I hadn’t bothered re-dying it. 

“Um, would you be offended if I said yes?” he managed, blushing slightly. “Sorry, I, uh…shit. This must be really hard for you.”

“I mean, not as much as I’d thought? I’m still me, and, well, when I’m with someone like you…I can’t even tell, really? And, it’s actually sort of nice, not to have the nightlight on when I’m trying to sleep?” I paused, then had to choke back a sob. “Actually, that’s a lie. I leave my flashlight on all night. I…I’m scared of the dark. I’ve never actually had to be in it, before.”

Gingerly, Odda reached out a hand to me. I instantly seized it, then pulled him closer. He didn’t resist, and I put his hand to my head, gripping it in both of mine as I trembled. “You know…this makes me a Sarkaz for real now.”

“I…Look, Lemuel, I’ll give you a pass, but you gotta be careful saying stuff like that. I know you’re traumatized, but there’s more to being Sarkaz than-”

“No!” I let his hand go and pushed myself up, glaring down at him. He glared right back, that anger I knew he had in him smoldering in his eyes. “Just, look, listen! Sankta ARE Sarkaz!”

“Oh shut the fuck up!” Odda snarled, standing up himself. He’s about 6cm taller than me, so he was able to glare down, his nose flaring. “You think you know suffering?! You think you know RAGE?! Try growing up in Kazdel instead of Laterano! Try hearing the weeping of starving children! Try seeing oripathy ravage your people every year! Try being beaten and tossed out of towns because you have horns! You have that happen a few times, THEN you can talk about being Sarkaz!” 

I quailed slightly, but when the tears came, they were hot and angry instead of cold and self pitying. “Guess what, I HAVE BEEN! My guns? Stripped from me! Those are my BABIES. They’re not just weapons, they’re my SOUL. And they TOOK THEM FROM ME. Laterano? I can NEVER go back. They won’t even let you into the city without an escort! Mostima has to stay in a special quarter and has a CURFEW when she comes back, and so will I!”

“Oh, good for you! And I suppose you had to watch your parents die too?!” Odda hissed. 

I threw my hands up in frustration. “What is this, the suffering Olympics?! Because YES, Odda! My parents died when I was SEVEN YEARS OLD. Then, I watched my sister become crippled, and my best friend Fall, and the bastard who did it get PROMOTED.”

That threw him off, but he rallied quickly. “You’re still not Sarkaz! The Sankta have been oppressing my people for-”

“OUR PEOPLE, ODDA!”

“WE ARE NOT YOUR-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!” 

For some reason, he did, but there was murder in his eyes. I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, wincing when I felt the horns, but I used it. “Look, these horns? This is how I should look. This is how ALL Sankta should look! Fuck, I wish Behemot was here, she would explain!” 

That actually stumped Odda. “Wait, you…you know Behemot’s name? How-”

“She TOLD me! We adopted one another as Sisters! And she already KNEW. Knew that Sankta and Sarkaz both come from the Teekaz!” I hastily explained what I knew, though not the source, and Odda sat there, looking stunned. When I finished, he grabbed the bottle of wine and poured us each a cup, then tossed it back. Wow, we were really abusing the wine: It was a Saluzzo red from Lappland’s family estates, and they make really good wine. 

“Ok, where the fuck did you hear all that? From Behemot?” Odda said, scrubbing his mouth with the back of his hand and glaring at me. 

“Kal’tsit,” said, deciding that was safe enough. 

“The Dame would know,” Odda muttered, and glared at the wine bottle. I polished off my drink and poured for both of us. We both drank, and I poured again, which finished off the bottle. This time, we sipped more slowly, though the tin cups were doing the wine no favors. 

At last, Odda slammed his cup down. “Ok, fine, say I believe you. So what? Sankta have still destroyed Kazdel more than a dozen times! You’ve looted and burned and put our people to the sword? What does this change!”

“It means…it means it has to stop, Odda,” I said, and offered him my hand. He glanced at it, sighed, then took it. “Look. We’re both human. We’re both Sarkaz. You can’t even deny it: without this shattered halo and these black wings, I could be your sister!”

“I fucking hope not,” Odda growled, and I snarled at him. “No, I mean, shit- look, you’re hot! Especially now! I would be having some very inappropriate thoughts if you were my sister! 

“Oh. O-oh!” I blushed, and laughed. “Well, you’re not too bad looking yourself! Look, my point is, we’re not so different. Also…you…you really think I’m hotter, like this?”

“Exusiai, I loathe the Sankta,” Odda said seriously. He sighed and scrubbed at his face with one hand. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just…”

“How you were raised. How it is,” I whispered, knowing the same feeling. 

“Yeah. Anyway, to me, Sarkaz features are more attractive. You’ve always been hot, and, well, for a Sankta, you were pretty alright. But now? Now you’re honestly smokin’,” he told me sincerely. 

I choked out a sob, then darted around the table and wrapped him in a hug. He had been going for a knife, but he slowly relaxed, then put his arms around me. “It’s…It’s gonna be OK. You…you’re going to live. And…well, Sarkaz don’t abandon one another. Not real Sarkaz. Behemot says you’re one of us, and, well…fuck you do look the part. So…welcome to hell. It’s shit here, but we have each other.”

“Thank you,” I said, and kissed him on the cheek. “I…I needed to hear that.”

“Yeah. I…I don’t know what you’re going though, but…shit. Fuck me, if I had been Sankta, and I woke up as a Sarkaz…I’d think my life was pretty shit.”

“No. Fuck the Law, I’m going to turn this for good,” I said, letting Odda go and sitting next to him, though I stayed very close. I didn’t have empathy, but…well, I didn’t feel so miserable when I was touching someone else. And Odda was pretty cute. If you were into angry bad boys.

Which, um, I sort of am. I…I kinda have a terrible track record when it comes to men? And, uh, one girlfriend. Hooboy was that a bad idea…more because of how toxic Lo Mei was than anything else. I should have fucked Texas. Damn you, Sora! Not really, much as I love Texas, I don’t think it would have worked out, and it would have REALLY messed with Texas’s head. 

Odda was quiet as I thought, and at last, I nodded. “Ok, so, I’m sort of living proof that Sankta and Sarkaz come from the same family, right? So, I just have to find a way to get all of Laterano to understand that! Or we could work on Kazdel first!”

“Uh, ‘we?’” Odda said, sounding hesitant.

I gave him my best wounded beckbeast look. “You’re going to help, right? We have to save the world!” 

“Shit, Exusiai, I’m just a messenger boy from Kazdel,” Odda sighed, running his own hand through his hair. After a moment, he grinned at me. “But, I did join Babel. And then Rhodes Island. So…I’m something of a sucker for hopeless moral crusades. Yeah. Count me in. We could probably get most of Rhodes Island to help. But…well…there is one teeny, tiny problem.”

“Yeah, how are we going to tell everyone?” I muttered. 

“No, Exusiai. It’s that they’ll fucking kill us,” Odda said seriously. I flinched, but he continued on. “Look, I can’t entirely speak for the Sarkaz side, but I will tell you I am not the world’s angriest Sarkaz. That would be Speaker Wiš'adel. I don’t like Sankta. Wiš'adel would kill every last angel by plucking the feathers off their wings one at a time and laughing while she did it.”

“Oh, she’s not that bad. She was, well, mostly civil when we met,” I said defensively. 

He gave me an incredulous look, and I sighed. “Ok, so, the first time, it was during the Lungmen Crisis, and I sort of shot her. And then she tried to blow me up. Uh, and the second time, she tried to kill me again, but she was still with Reunion! If we met again, I’m sure it would be fine!” 

“...you are like, the most hopeless optimist I have ever met.”

“Seriously, Odda?!”

“Ok, probably not, Amiya is probably worse. Sheesh. No wonder you joined Rhodes Island too…but, look. Wiš'adel is a problem, but her attitude is the general attitude for most Sarkaz. They hate and fear the Sankta, and if they could get away with it, a lot of Sarkaz would absolutely murder a Sankta. They don’t, because they know perfectly well that if you do murder a Sankta, a Gun Knight shows up and razes your village to the ground.”

I flinched, mostly because that was…rather accurate. Notarial Hall and the Apostolic Knights have a very strict policy when it comes to Sankta killed by Sarkaz: One dead Sankta is worth a hundred dead Sarkaz. And they have the bullets to balance the scales. 

“Um, well, there is the minor issue that…well, I’m Fallen now…and most Sankta won’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. I’ve seen what happens when Mostima walks around town. Might as well have a sign around her neck that says “Unclean” and someone with a bell following her around like they used to do in the old days with the Infected…”

Then I grinned. “The good news is, my sister is in line to get promoted to Cardinal, and she’ll totally listen! Plus, two Lateran Saints owe me big time! We just need to get an audience with old Yvangelista XI and explain things to him! Then we go find that stupid computer and tell it what’s up!” 

“Uh, what computer?” 

“Oh, the Law. It’s not a god, it’s just a computer the Precursors created that brainwashed Sarkaz into being Sankta and is probably using Empathy to mind control us. That’s it! I just have to tell everyone to turn off their Empathy by shooting one another, rebel against the church, and raise the battle cry of unity and freedom with our brothers and sisters in Kazdel!” 

I beamed at Odda, who was gaping at me in obvious mental anguish. I sighed and slumped over, hugging myself and drawing my knees up to my chest. “...yeah, I think it’s a stupid idea too. I just…it’s a lot to think about.”

“Yeah. I mean, I will help, I just…what can I even do? What can we do? I’m not really a plan guy. I’m the messenger boy.”

“And I’m the messenger girl, usually,” I groaned. “I used to be good at shooting things too, but now I can’t even do that…who could we…”

I trailed off, then picked up the box and pulled out the picture of Boss and his crew. “I’ve got it! We ask Boss!” 

Odda frowned at the picture. “You mean, Emperor? Sure, he’s the greatest living rapper, but what would he know about this?”

“Wait, you think Boss is the greatest living rapper?!”

“I mean, yeah? I’d understand an argument for Enimen or Ladrick Kenmar, but Emps was the GOAT who influenced them. He’s the real one,” Odda said with a shrug. 

“Ok, you have to admit that Not Like Us is an absolute banger. Seriously, you’re Sarkaz, I’d thought you’d be all in on Ladrick!” 

Odda laughed. “Well, at least you’re not a Wyvern fan. Seriously though, big fan of Ladrick, but even he says that Emperor was his biggest influence.”

“Ha! Are you kidding?! Ladrick kicked Wyvern’s ass on live TV at the Kazimerz Major! I couldn’t BELIEVE it when they played Not Like Us at half time!” I cackled. “He won that beef so hard, I think Wyvern’s grandchildren felt it!”

“Fuck yeah,” Odda said, and we shared a fist bump. “Good to see you got excellent taste in music. I knew there was a reason I liked you. Emps is still the GOAT though.”

“Well, he’s also a Beast Lord. You know what that means?” I asked. 

Odda’s brow furrowed. “Wait, you mean, like the Signori dei Lupi in Siracusa, or the High Priest in Sargon? For real?”

“Yeah, I’ve even seen him die at least a hundred times. Doesn’t stick. He just…shows up again. Sometimes in five minutes, sometimes in a few days.” I hesitated, then leaned in close and whispered right into Odda’s ear. “Also, I watched him duel an Emperor’s Blade in Ursus. Me, Texas, Croissant, Bison, even Gavial, none of us could even scratch that monster. But Boss? He busted out a few bars, and the Emperor’s Blade BTFO’d.”

“No shit?” Odda whispered, his own eyes wide with shock.

I nodded soberly. “Swear on my halo and pat-” I cut myself off, and hiccuped, tears flooding back into my eyes. I couldn’t help it, the floodgates opened back up, not helped by my three glasses of wine. I collapsed into Odda’s startled arms, and he gingerly rubbed my back as I cried it out. 

“S-sorry,” I managed after a good minute of sobbing. 

“Uh, it’s OK,” Odda said, and handed me a clean hankie from his pocket, slightly wrinkled from travel. I used it to clean myself off, then sat miserably for a second or two before I straightened up.

“Right! First, we go to Siracusa, and get advice from boss! Then, we go to Laterano and/or Kazdel, and convince our people that it’s time to get along!” 

“It’s a hell of a mission. Maybe we should start small. You know, get some more people like Behemot on board, or your sister and friend,” Odda suggested.

I grinned at him. “You said we! You really mean this!” 

He groaned. “Yeah, I guess I do. I’ve always believed in King Theresa’s mission: To make the world a better place, not just for the Sarkaz, but for everyone. And hell, if the Sankta back off the Sarkaz…maybe we could have a chance to flourish and grow for once.”

“Then welcome to Team Apple Pie!” I said, and gave Odda another hug.

“Sure, I like apple pie,” he agreed with a shrug. “But…we’re gonna need some gear and supplies. I only have my bike.”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan!” I said, standing and raising my hand high. He got to his feet and frowned at me, but I just grinned. “We go and ask nicely.”

Ten minutes later, we were back at the base camp, where we headed right to the quartermaster’s office. 

“Let me be getting dis straight,” Rosa said, raising an eyebrow at me as I stood at the folding table in front of the supply depo she was minding. “You are wanting me to be releasing you a messenger bike, supplies for a trip to Siracusa, and veapons.”

“Yep!” 

Rosa sighed and shook her head. “Exusiai, I am having very strict orders from de Doktah and Amiya both: Your veapons, dey are in lock up, and not to be given to you. At least for another…” she checked her watch, “Thirty-five hours.”

“Then give me a crossbow! You can do that, right?” I demanded, planting both hands on the table and leaning forward. “Look, I can’t just sit still for three days! I’m a trained catastrophe messenger! So, let me go deliver messages! I just…Boss is in Siracusa, with a lot of my friends. Let me take the mail with them! Odda’s coming too!” 

“It’s a long haul, and I was just there, but it’s not a problem,” Odda said with a shrug. “Plenty of mail to go back to Siracusa. Besides, if a fellow Sarkaz needs a favor, I gotta step up.”

Ah damn, and here I felt like crying all over again. I shot Odda a grateful look, but he just shrugged. 

“...I vill be contacting Veedy. She is being in charge at the moment,” Rosa said, and pulled up her device. I tapped my foot impatiently, already itching to be on the road. A few minutes later though, Weedy showed up with Zoey.

Zoey proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions about my mood and feelings, and I answered as honestly as I could. At last, she sighed and turned to Weedy. “She’s still not in great shape, but, in my judgement…she’s not a suicide risk. People handle grief and loss in different ways, and needing to be on the move and doing something is a very common reaction. Plus…her going to see her friends is honestly one of the best treatments we could give Exu.”

I pumped my fist and grinned at Weedy, who regarded me for a moment, regarded me for a long moment. At last, she nodded and gave me a hug. “Alright. Take care of yourself, Exusiai. Odda, you’ll watch out for her?”

“Hey, somebody’s gotta be the calm and reasonable one, right?” Odda said with a grin.

“Dese vords, ‘calm’ and ‘reasonable,’” Rosa mused aloud. “Dey are not vords I would be applying to you, Mr. Odda. Not in a fight I am thinking.”

“Well, then we’ll just have to avoid one,” I said brightly as Rosa stood and went to get our supplies. She came back out with two packs with travel rations, a messenger radio, and the keys to one of our messenger bikes. And…and a case with…

My hands trembled as she handed the gun case to me. I looked at her, then at Weedy. “I…I can’t…”

“They are yours, Exusiai. We’re not Notarial Hall,” Weedy told me, and produced a key, handing it over to me. “Go on.”

I looked over at Odda, not sure of what to do. “I…but I’m a Sarkaz now.”

“Well, you’re still a Sankta too. Best to remind them of that,” he said with a shrug, though he was glowering slightly. 

I didn’t need further encouragement. I popped the lock, and there they were. I immediately grabbed Victor and hugged him to my chest, and-

Nothing. I…I couldn’t feel him anymore. He was just…metal. Wood. Plastic. A lifeless, soulless object. My hands were steady as I lifted him out, then sighted at a knot on a tree about 100 meters away. 

Victor barked, and I still deadeyed the knot. So, I still had it. I just…I couldn’t feel the soul of my Patron anymore. That was denied me. 

Still, I put the entire heavy case on the messenger bike, and Odda and I took off, even though it was only a few hours until sunset. We traveled along worn roads, away from the coast and to the north. 

That night, we made our plans as we camped in the open. We would bypass Laterano. I wasn’t ready for that, not yet, and make straight for Siracusa. It was a long trip with not a lot of road, but we could make it in three or four days if we really pushed ourselves, which we would. It was a warm late summer evening, so we laid our bedrolls out under the stars. 

And…and I put mine right next to Odda, and snuggled up to him. He was startled, but didn’t shove me away. 

“For tonight…just…can we sleep back to back? I…I need someone there. And…and with no light…I’ve never had to sleep with no light before,” I whispered. 

“I…yeah. Sure. Not exactly a punishment to have to sleep with a beautiful woman,” Odda said, and I saw his white teeth gleam in the darkness. 

“Just sleeping, OK? Maybe…maybe later, there could be more…but…not tonight, OK?”

“I…shit, Exusiai, I didn’t- yeah. No, it’s cool. I just-”

There was a sound in the darkness, and I drew Scardy, trembling. It was nothing, though. 

Odda gently folded my hand around the gun, then drew me close. “It’s OK. I’m here.”

I nodded, feeling embarrassed, but I was exhausted. Soon, I was out cold. My dreams…were not pleasant. I dreamed of endlessly falling, of the horns bursting from my head again, and of being alone in the darkness. But each time I awoke, I wasn’t. Odda was there, and I was alright. 

Somehow, I could make it through this darkness. I would find a new dawn. And I would bring that light to everyone.