The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 12 (Patreon)

It took four days for Eris and Aqua to complete the purification ritual. By that point, it had become less of a formal ritual and more of an increasingly ridiculous competition between two religions that apparently hated one another. 

“Stop stealing our bread, you Axis Barbarians! It’s charity for the poor and hungry, not a buffet!” 

“Stop trying to tell the beastwomen they have to wear tops! That’s cultural appropriation!”

“For the last time, they’re not in Samuidoh, they have to go fully clothed in Belzerg!” 

Kazuma, Darkness, and Megumin sat at a table at the edge of the encampment, eating some bread that Kazuma had “borrowed” from the Erisites. They were positioned between the colorful and ragtag Axis tents and hastily erected huts that sprawled to the east, and the elegant magical constructs and wheeled vehicles of the western camp that Erisite church had carefully laid out.

“Kazuma, did you properly requisition that?” Darkness asked, even as an Erisite acolyte hurried over with a flask of olive oil and poured it into a bowl for the party.

“Nah. They’d have made me sign two forms,” Kazuma said, ripping off a hunk to dip in the oil. 

He chewed, then mused, “You think the Erisites are ever going to figure out that there’s no public nudity allowed in Samuidoh, and half the topless women just have on fake cat ears?” 

“How do you know that?” Megumin asked suspiciously, reaching over to dunk her bread. 

Darkness tilted her hand back and forth slightly. “They should be well aware of the procedural precedent, but the Erisite church has a very poor hold on Samuidoh, as most Beastmen worship the Holo, and not Eris or Aqua.”

Kazuma glanced over at one of the Axis cultist women bouncing happily along the camp border and giving several Erisite clerics apoplexy. He extended a hand and said, “STEAL!” 

A pair of cloth cat ears appeared in his hand, along with a fake tail that had been anatomically attached in a manner that caused him to immediately drop it. 

“Te-he! You interested, handsome?” the Axis cultist asked, batting her eyes. She was in her 20s and rather attractive, with nut brown hair, a curvy figure, and a tasteful silver wheel pendant that was rather conspicuously placed between her bare breasts. 

“Not even remotely,” Kazuma said, groaning and drinking the potion that Lolisa had prepared for him. It was supposed to improve recovery time and stamina. Lolisa had admitted that most men would only need one dose a week.

Kazuma needed two a day. And an ice pack.

“Damn, all the handsome ones are gay,” the woman muttered. She grinned at Megumin. “What about you, sweetie?”

“My retainer,” Darkness said flatly. She was dressed in her armor, but everyone knew exactly who “Darkness” was by now. The tabard Yunyun had procured for her, emblazoned with the golden crest of House Dustiness, helped. 

“Drat. Damn erisites, they get everyone good,” the woman complained, and flounced off, even as the Erisite clerics hurried over.

The first cleric, a bearded man in his late fifties, barely bothered with a bow before blurting, “Lady Dustiness, she is clearly not a beastwoman!”

“She is flouting the public-decency laws!” his counterpart complained. She was a severe woman with spectacles and what appeared to be a permanent frown.

“Priestess Taniva is a twenty-fifth-level Divine Liturgist currently preventing the runic arrays in the southeast from collapsing,” Darkness said. She tore off a piece of bread, dipped it into the olive oil, and took a bite.

Only after swallowing and taking a measured drink from her flagon did she turn back to the Erisites.

“You may either tolerate a little Axis tomfoolery for one more day, or find another expert in demonic-containment runes with enough spellcasting ability to rewrite her portion of the array.”

One of the priests opened his mouth to protest, and Kazuma decided he had heard enough.

“Are you attempting to argue with Lady Dustiness, or do you have something useful to say, Father Reginald?” he demanded, thrusting a finger into the priest’s face. “Because last I checked, your highest-level Liturgist is a twelfth-level Arcane Scribe who cannot even translate High Demodic into Low Celestial!”

Father Reginald went bright red beneath his beard, but bowed his head. “Forgive me, Lady Dustiness. We will…continue to cooperate.”

“Excellent,” Darkness said. She held up the heel of her loaf. “I want two gross of these baked by noon. One gross for the Axis camp, and the other distributed throughout Axel.”

There were a few more muttered agreements before the priests withdrew to find somewhere else to sulk.

“No, seriously, how did you know?!” Megumin demanded.

Kazuma shrugged. “Lolisa told me about the nudity law. She thinks it’s hilarious. And I stole the Erisites’ personnel ledger after they refused to give me a straight answer and started talking in circles.”

“No, I meant the ears and the tail!” Megumin said, stabbing the table with one finger.

“Oh. Uh, it’s not the first time I’ve seen cosplay,” Kazuma admitted.

Megumin frowned at Darkness. “Since when did you begin wearing the Ancient Ceremonial Garb of my Clan?”

Darkness nearly choked on her bread. Kazuma pounded between her shoulder blades and almost broke his hand against the back of her breastplate while she took a long drink.

“I- Megumin! What does that have to do with- how do you even know!?”

The smug look on Megumin’s face caused Darkness to trail off and hide behind her flagon.

“Mine mystic eye and familiar perceive all! Did you truly believe I would fail to notice that you and Kazutrash were sharing a bed?” Megumin cackled, even as Chomusuke poked her head out from beneath the mage’s robes and sniffed hopefully at the bread.

“I’m pretty sure you don’t need Darkvision to figure that out,” Kazuma grumbled.

The part about the bed was quite literal. Kazuma, Darkness, and Lolisa had spent the first night in a tent, sleeping on a blanket rolled across the ground. As soon as the first Erisite wagons arrived the following morning, Archbishop Adams had personally ordered that they be provided with cots and a larger tent. 

Then the Axis Cult appeared, saw the Erisite cots, and produced a feather bed, which Kazuma gratefully accepted without asking where it had come from.

Darkness found out an hour later, when Luna arrived in a fury and demanded compensation because the “deranged cultists” had stolen the Adventurers’ Guild’s best mattress and bed frame.

The Erisites retaliated by providing a couch and a complete tea service.

The Axis Cult constructed a hot tub and delivered an assortment of prophylactics.

Darkness had groaned, covered her face, and dispatched a letter informing her father that she and Kazuma needed to meet with him immediately.

While Kazuma’s current sleeping arrangements were growing increasingly opulent, they were nothing compared with the dwellings the two religions had constructed for their goddesses.

Eris had a silver-steepled church carefully conjured by a dozen expert runic builders. It possessed a tinkling fountain, a paved path, and an exquisitely curated garden that a circle of druids had grown overnight. Every hedge had been trimmed into a sacred symbol, every stone had been placed with geometric precision, and the entire structure seemed to glow softly in the morning light.

In contrast, the Axis Cult appeared to have stolen a dozen neon signs from Elroad, rewired them to read LADY AQUA’S EXCLUSIVE PALACE, and incorporated them into their ongoing construction project.

The palace in question was less a building than a crime against the laws of physics, held together by magic and gumption.  It had been assembled from whatever construction materials had not already been nailed down in Axel, along with several trees and rocks that had only mostly been processed. The “palace” had been painted in a dozen violently contrasting colors which somehow combined into a mural of Aqua’s beaming face. 

Disturbingly, it was an excellent likeness.

“Hey there, best buddy! Where’s my bubbly?” Aqua demanded, striding up with High Priest Zesta and Priestess Cecily hurrying after her.

“Banned,” Kazuma said.

Aqua pouted. Her two clerics frowned at him in disapproval.

“Goddess. Please have a seat,” Darkness said, as Cecily hastily pulled out a chair for Aqua.

Aqua flopped into it, seized the last loaf of bread, and began gnawing on it. She then grabbed the olive oil and poured enough over the loaf to saturate half of it.

“So, what’s up, Darkness?”

“Aqua, please instruct High Priest Zesta to inform your clergy that, within the Dustiness domain, all public-decency laws are to be strictly enforced,” Darkness said, looking past her friend and directly at Zesta. 

“Huh? Why? Who cares about some boobies? Bodies are beautiful! My priestesses shouldn’t be ashamed! Right, Cecily?” Aqua asked brightly.

Cecily folded her arms beneath her bare breasts and bounced slightly. “Right, Lady Aqua!”

“The behavior is causing unnecessary distractions,” Darkness continued, her voice still level. “It has already resulted in three ritual-severance incidents that could have been avoided had several male clerics, and at least two female clerics, remained attentive to their assigned arrays.”

Zesta looked smug. “It sounds as though the P-Eris-ites require greater discipline!”

“I was referring to your clerics, High Priest,” Darkness said. Her tone sharpened as she skewered him with her gaze. “I will address the Erisite failures with Archbishop Adams separately.”

Wordlessly, Kazuma handed Cecily a top. She glanced at Aqua, but the goddess was busy hiding beneath the table in embarrassment. With a sigh, Cecily slipped it on. “I’ll go talk to the other sisters and Brother Kay.” 

“See that you do,” Darkness said icily.

Zesta and Cecily hurried away. Only then did Aqua cautiously peek out from beneath the table.

Darkness’s expression softened. “Oh, do sit up, Aqua. I know this was not your idea.”

“Yeah, but…they’re my priests, and they keep causing trouble,” Aqua mumbled, using the oil to doodle a truly remarkable portrait of Darkness on the wooden surface. 

“They are also contributing far more than the insufferable clergy of my own church. Of that, you can be proud,” Darkness said, placing a gentle hand over Aqua’s. 

She sat up, beaming as she erased the portrait with one hand.

 Kazuma was disappointed. She’d made Tina look extra cute. 

“Ok! Can I have some bubbly, then?”

“No bubbly until the hellmouth is sealed. You promised,” Kazuma reminded her.

Aqua pouted again, but she ate her bread, then went back to finish the last of the ritual.

Darkness stood, and Kazuma hastily followed, while Megumin hurried after Aqua to ensure that the ritual arrays were properly formatted rather than merely “artistically inspired.” 

“Kazuma, I am wearied. Attend me,” she said.

A part of Kazuma was excited as he said, “Of course, Tina.”

The other part of him groaned. This was the third time today! It wasn’t even noon!

When they returned to the tent, however, they found a cloaked figure waiting outside. A lock of pink hair protruded from beneath her green hood.

Kazuma nearly cried with relief. He stumbled forward, wrapped his arms around Lolisa, and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Tag in,” he groaned. “Tag in!”

Lolisa startled in his arms, one hand going to her cheek. “Um, certainly! Tag in for what?”

Then she looked past him at the flushed Darkness.

“Oh. Um, my lady, the relocation of my…associates…is complete. Do you, ah, require the services of your maid?”

“Yes,” Darkness gasped. A bead of drool escaped the corner of her mouth before she hastily wiped it away.

Then she caught herself and shook her head. “Your sisters are safe?”

“Becky and the rest of the girls are safely concealed in Vanir’s old dungeon,” Lolisa reported, lowering her hand. “Wiz is currently attempting to sell them slippers that keep the wearer’s feet permanently cold.”

She glanced nervously at a passing Axis cleric and pulled the cloak more tightly around herself.

“Seriously, those old things?” Kazuma asked incredulously. 

Lolisa shrugged. “She’s sold two pairs to skeletons already, and Dilla bought a pair to keep her hooves cool. They crack in the heat, otherwise.”

“Wait…Dilla has hooves?” Kazuma asked, shocked. He’d never see the succubus receptionist with hooves!

“She prefers them to regular feet. Says it makes her feel more at home,” Lolisa said. She made a face. “I’d rather be able to feel grass between my toes.”

“It also makes you ticklish there, and I prefer it,” Kazuma said with a lecherous grin, and Lolisa laughed. 

“You joining us, Kazuma?”

“Uh, no. I’m going to, er…supervise. You girls have fun!” he said hastily, then departed before Darkness could protest. If she made those puppy dog eyes at him, even in his state, he’d never resist a threesome. 

He encountered Yunyun first, overseeing the Erisites’ deployment of the runic arrays.

“No! For the last time, you cannot simply rub it out! You have to use the correct ink!” Yunyun snapped. She snatched the pen from a middle-aged Erisite cleric’s hand, then chanted a brief spell. “There! Now do it again! If my Crimson Gaze detects further folly, you shall suffer the Wrath of the Clan!”

“Y-yes, Lady Yunyun!” the man babbled, hastily dropping to his knees.

Yunyun huffed, then turned and noticed Kazuma. “Oh! Um, K-Kazuma! I was just—”

“Doing a great job. Thanks, Yunyun. You’re a lifesaver,” Kazuma said, giving her a thumbs-up.

She blushed, then glanced toward two other priests who were chanting nearby.

“No! Not in Low Celestial! That section must be completed in Archaic Elroadian! You are going to disrupt the entire array! Just—stop! I already wrote you a script! Follow it precisely, or the vengeance of ten thousand years shall fall upon you!”

“Yes, Lady Yunyun!”

“Have you eaten yet?” Kazuma asked as Yunyun shook her head in disgust.

“Um…maybe?” Yunyun looked around. “Is it still…” She counted on her fingers. “Holosday?”

“That was yesterday. Come on. We’ll steal you some bread.” Kazuma jerked a thumb toward the delicious smells drifting from the Erisite bakery.

Kazuma expected to have to borrow some loaves off the windowsill. Instead, as soon as it was seen that Yunyun was approaching and looking peckish, three acolytes appeared with a foldable table and two chairs. They brought out not only loaves of bread and oil, but vinegar, cheese, and sausages as well.

“Thank you for your assistance, Lady Yunyun. Our loremasters are still praising your substitution of Lina’s Array for Gamalial’s Circle!” one of the young priests said, bowing deeply as a vase with fresh flowers was placed next to the breakfast.

“This is bullshit,” Kazuma complained as made a cheese and sausage sandwich.

Yunyun winced at the language, delicately dipping her bread in oil and vinegar. “Um, well, I-I know it’s unorthodox, but Lina’s Array is more suitable…um, at least, that’s what I thought…”

“Huh? Yunyun, I don’t even know what those words mean! I mean, they didn’t give Darkness this spread! What gives!?” Kazuma complained. 

“Oh…” Yunyun considered, then twiddled her thumbs. “Um, so…you’ve met my dad…”

“Yeah, Hyozabaro’s a weird dude in charge of a small town, but he’s alright,” Kazuma allowed.

Yunyun winced. “So, um…h-his title in the Village is Chief…b-but technically…he’s Grand Duke of the Northern Marches. He, um, he usually forgets. He says Chief is ‘more heroic.’”

Kazuma stared at Yunyun as another acolyte brought over a wine menu.

“Oh, um…just milk…I’m too young for wine,” Yunyun said gently. 

“Of course, my lady,” the acolyte agreed, and hurried away. 

“You’re a ducal heir too!? Is EVERYONE a noble?!” Kazuma demanded as soon as the acolyte’s back was turned. 

“Please don’t mention it to Megumin…she gets really upset,” Yunyun admitted. “And, ah…I’m more like the visiting daughter of a foreign head of state. That’s why I usually try to just be Yunyun. It’s really embarrassing when people use all the titles… Oh! Thank you for the milk, Frederik.”

Kazuma stared as Yunyun drank her milk, then snapped his fingers. “Yo, Fred. Milk me up.”

The acolyte glanced at Kazuma, then looked toward the nearby priest supervising them.

The priest shrugged. “He is Lady Dustiness’s intended consort. She has consulted the Archbishop regarding the proper forms, and the capital has indicated its approval.”

“Of course, sir,” Fred said. Soon, Kazuma had a glass of cold salmon milk in his hand.

Kazuma grimaced but drank the slightly fishy substance. He’d been disgusted when he first realized what the giant ponds near the dairy were for. Normally, he’d ask for cow’s milk instead of the supposed delicacy. Thank goodness the cows here didn’t breathe fire or fly.

At least, he didn’t think they did.

“So, Megumin is jealous because you’re some sort of princess?” Kazuma asked once he’d polished off his glass.

Yunyun shrugged. “Maybe. She says it’s because my family has the best introduction in the village, but we never use it.”

“Oh, of course,” Kazuma muttered. 

Yunyun proceeded to eat her way through three wheels of cheese, two loaves of bread, and a full dozen sausages, along with a full gallon of salmon milk. Kazuma stared at her in shock, wondering where she put it all.

“I, um, I was a bit hungry,” she admitted. “I burned a lot of mana.”

“I bet,” Kazuma said, and glanced meaningfully at Yunyun’s chest. As soon as the clergy had shown up, she’d switched from her normal outfit to a much more conservative set of gaudy robes Kazuma had thought were some sort of Axis joke.

Now he suspected they were probably the Crimson Demon clan’s idea of noble attire. She looked like she’d fallen through three JRPG cosplay wardrobes and came out wearing three belts too many and a hat big enough for an eagle’s nest. 

“Don’t Darkness and Lolisa keep you busy enough?” Yunyun muttered, reflexively placing a hand over her chest.

Kazuma looked away, embarrassed. “Look, I’m taken, not dead…yet. Sheesh. I’ve had to use Freeze to make an ice pack twice a day since we got here.”

Yunyun immediately straightened. She snapped her fingers, and Fred hurried over.

“Sir Kazuma and I will be discussing private matters. Do not attempt to breach the barrier, or I shall take it as a slight upon my blood and honor and cast your soul into the abyss.”

“Y-yes, Lady Yunyun!” Fred stammered before hastily retreating.

Yunyun drew her wand and gave it a precise wave. The air around them shimmered, then thickened until it seemed they were enclosed by panes of heavy glass. The smells and sounds of the camp vanished, leaving Yunyun and Kazuma completely isolated despite sitting in the open.

Slouching in his chair, Kazuma did his best not to show how impressed he was. “Cast his soul into the Abyss? Harsh.”

Yunyun colored, her composure breaking slightly. “Ah, that’s just a formal Clan way of saying you’ll be upset.”

“Upset? What do you do if you’re mad?” Kazuma teased.

Yunyun’s eyes flashed an ominous red, and the hair rose on the back of Kazuma’s neck. “Kazuma. If you actually make a Crimson Demon mad, we stop making threats. We start casting.” 

He swallowed and slowly sat up. “Uh, right. So, er…what’s this about? Do you know a lube-making spell or something?”

“Kazuma, please, just for once…” Yunyun sighed. “Look…are you okay? You’re not… Lolisa is just giving you dreams, right? Because, um, I know she means well and isn’t evil, but…”

Kazuma blinked, then laughed. “Oh, shit, you think- Yunyun, Lolisa’s been sneaking the other succubi out of Axel and hiding them in Vanir’s old dungeon for the past few days! If she’d been here, I might not feel like my dick was going to fall off.”

“I…I didn’t need to know that,” Yunyun mumbled. Then she looked up, frowning. “Wait, so…you’re not? I mean, that’s good, but…how does her being here make it easier?”

Kazuma rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. “Uh, she tags in and helps with, um…Darkness. I was serious about that spell. I’m giving it my all, but…I feel like this is death by snu-snu.”

“Er, I’m going to pretend I can’t figure out what that means,” Yunyun sighed. She shook her head. “Kazuma, just…be careful, okay? And…and watch to make sure Lolisa doesn’t start burning. Please?”

“What, you mean like chafing?” Kazuma asked.

Yunyun put her head in her hands. “I really wish the Red Prison wasn’t so thorough. No, Kazuma, I mean…if she falls in love with you or Darkness—and, um…I think she might—she’s going to start having an allergic reaction to you. It usually manifests as actual burns in succubi, from what I’ve read. I, ah…well, I did summon a succubus once, but she helped me realize…I’m not into… Anyway, we just talked.”

Jumping out of his seat, Kazuma ran over to the barrier. “Yunyun, drop it, I, I gotta go check on something!” 

The barrier fell at a spoken word, and Kazuma sprinted for all he was worth, his heart pounding. He looked to the side, and was shocked to see Yunyun keeping pace in her robes, her own expression serious.

“You people all have hax on,” Kazuma panted. 

They arrived back at the giant tent, and Kazuma burst through the flap.

“Darkness! Lolisa, I-”

“Kazuma?” Darkness groaned, sitting up slightly as Lolisa gasped and tried to roll off her.

Kazuma paused to admire the view, then winced as Yunyun let out a squawk behind him. “Ah, sorry, I-  No, never mind. Lolisa, um…please hold still.”

“Yunyun?!” Darkness gasped, her eyes clearing as she reached for a blanket.

“I just—sorry,” Yunyun mumbled. Then she knelt beside Lolisa, who cocked her head as Yunyun began a quick but thorough inspection.

“Kazuma, if you’re going to ask someone to join us, you really should consult Darkness and me first,” Lolisa commented. “I mean, I don’t mind, but I was fairly certain Yunyun would only agree to a threesome if Megumin was involved.”

Yunyun examined parts of Lolisa that made Kazuma feel far more jealous than aroused.

“I told you, Lolisa, those dreams were private!” Yunyun snapped, then paused. She slowly touched the inner part of Lolisa’s thigh, and muttered a spell. A moment later, she stood, pulling a clean handkerchief out. “Lolisa. Did you tell them?”

The succubus immediately wilted. “I, I’ll heal from it! I’m feeding really well! Look! I put on some fat, see!?” 

“Oh, gods, I, I didn’t hurt you, did I?! I told you to tell me if I was gripping too hard!” Darkness gasped as Kazuma sat on the bed beside her. 

“That’s not the problem,” Yunyun said, wiping her hands clean. She grimaced and tossed the handkerchief into the unlit brazier. “Love is toxic to succubi. She has a rash. And not a small one.”

Darkness gasped, then slid from the bed to examine Lolisa. Kazuma crouched beside her. Sure enough, an angry red rash covered the inside of Lolisa’s thigh, though it was already beginning to recede.

“Lolisa…” Darkness rested a hand gently on the trembling demonette’s shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because…because now you’ll send me away…” Lolisa sniffled.

Darkness took a deep breath, then drew Lolisa in close. “Never. I may have taken you as a vassal, Lolisa, but my love for you is just as real as my love for Kazu- Yunyun!”

The young archmage ripped Lolisa out of Darkness hands and set her on the bed, then pointed. Another rash was spreading where Darkness had touched her. “There. Red of my eyes, Lolisa, you fell for her too, didn’t you?” 

“A-and Kazuma,” Lolisa sniffled, hugging herself and looking miserable.

“Wait, so when you said your lips were just chapped when we kissed goodbye the other day…” Kazuma said slowly.

“She wasn’t just dehydrated. Demons don’t get dehydrated,” Yunyun said. She groaned, then grabbed Lolisa’s green cloak from the floor. “I know this doesn’t bother you, Lolisa, but, please…”

Lolisa hastily wrapped herself in the cloak, while Darkness adjusted her blanket and blushed.

“So, um, what does this mean?” Kazuma asked, feeling numb.“It means I have some research to do,” Yunyun said firmly. “The Clan’s archives are extensive. Uh, and dad always said my great-great-great grandpa was an incubus. So…there’s a way.”

Lolisa chuckled mirthlessly. “Your dad is lying, Yunyun. Demons can’t make life. Just take it.”

“The fertility of my ancestors begs to differ. Do not question the infernal nature of my blood,” Yunyun said, her red eyes flashing. 

“That…that’s just a legend,” Lolisa sniffled, though she sounded hopeful.

“You should know perfectly well that the legends surrounding my clan have a habit of understating reality,” Yunyun said with a faint smile. “We may be  boastful people, but even I have to admit that we keep exceeding our own claims of grandeur.”

Lolisa did not protest further. She simply nodded.

“So, uh…what are the rules?” Kazuma asked.

“Dream feeding only,” Yunyun said firmly. She hesitated. “If she requires other sustenance, avoid as much physical contact as possible and, ah…have her consume the necessary bodily fluids directly. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt non-feeding intimacy. Light touches that are clearly non-provocative are probably safe.”

Yunyun squirmed slightly, clearly uncomfortable, but her tone remained authoritative. 

“It’s caused by the conflict between a succubus’s natural need to feed upon lust and the spiritual backlash created by genuine love. Lust sustains her. Love…” Yunyun glanced at the fading rash. “Love burns.”

Kazuma and Darkness sat silently for a moment, then Darkness took a deep breath. “To borrow a phrase from Kazuma…that’s bullshit.”

“Fucking bullshit,” Kazuma agreed. 

“You…you’re not mad at me?” Lolisa asked, sounding surprised.

“More like mad at the idiot who designed this world’s mechanics. Maybe I oughta confiscate her bubbly for another week,” Kazuma growled.

Out on the purification array, Aqua sneezed.

“Well…I’m going to see if I can still get that wine list,” Yunyun said, standing. “You are all very sweet, very dumb, and very, very naked.”

“Hey, I have pants on!” Kazuma protested as Yunyun hurried out of the tent.

Afterward, Lolisa and Darkness dressed, and the three of them sat together on the couch. Lolisa had resumed her disguise, but she wore a long-sleeved dress and gloves so she could hold hands with her lovers.

“We’ll find a way,” Darkness promised. “You can feed on us through dreams whenever you need to.”

“And if we have to, we’ll find a cheat code and change the rules, because they’re stupid as hell,” Kazuma added.

Lolisa laughed. “I’m afraid this is simply how it is for succubi. The same thing happened with my first master. I’ll be fine, though, honest. It sucks—it’s like trying to eat an entire meal through a tiny straw—but…I wouldn’t give it up for anything. I…I do love you. Both of you.”

“I, uh…I love you too,” Kazuma admitted after Darkness elbowed him. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Sorry. It’s just…not long ago, I was a perverted virgin NEET, you know? I’m kind of used to keeping my emotions locked in a box buried at the bottom of my sock drawer.”

“Well, it’s our sock drawer now, and Lolisa and I have the keys,” Darkness sniffed, then smiled. “I, ah, suppose I should…um…try to take things a little easier. Lolisa mentioned your, er…condition, Kazuma.”

“No! I can have sex just as much as you!” Kazuma huffed.

Both women gave him reproachful looks.

“…Okay, I want it as much as you.”

Silence.

“All right, fine! You’re a turbo perv and I can’t keep up! Happy!?”

Darkness began to pant and fan herself. “K-Kazuma! That—that is such a crude, degrading way to speak to your future wife!”

“And you love it, don’t you?” Kazuma growled. Then he leaned over and kissed her.

After a moment, both Kazuma and Darkness realized that Lolisa had turned her head away, silent tears slipping down her cheeks. They hastily separated, only for Lolisa to gently push them back together.

“No, don’t…don’t lose your love for each other, okay? I…I’m all right. I just…I hope Yunyun wasn’t spouting the usual Crimson nonsense.”

“Pfff, Yunyun? She was using Gargamel’s Array and Mina’s Matrix, or something,” Kazuma said dismissively. “She’ll figure it out.”

The next morning, after a night of blissful sleep in which Lolisa took care of Darkness through dreams and Kazuma allowed his bruised carcass to heal, two goddesses stood atop a rainbow in the sky, holding hands and smiling down at their clergy.

“The pathway to the infernal realm is sealed once more,” Aqua said, holding her flower staff in her left hand. She tapped it three times. “You guys did awesome! Five stars!”

“…What my senpai means is that the unity and coordination between our faiths demonstrate the true strength of humanity,” Eris said with a gentle smile. She held a silver staff crowned with feathers in her right hand and wore her full feathered mantle regalia. “It is not in division, but in fellowship, that our faithful children show their true strength.”

“And also have way better parties!” Aqua added happily.

Beside Kazuma, Chris groaned. “Seriously? Would she just stick to the script…”

“Shh. You’re supposed to be pretending you’re a thief,” Kazuma whispered. They stood at the rear of the gathering, behind all the clergy, who were hopefully too enraptured by their deities to notice. Chris had circulated conspicuously through the crowd earlier. Kazuma had wondered why until Eris and Aqua somehow appeared together.

“I know, I know. It’s just…Senpai drives me crazy,” Chris complained as Eris began to interpret Aqua’s words again.

“What’s driving me crazy is how the heck you’re doing this. Aren’t you two, you know…?” Kazuma trailed off, unable to articulate the question fully.

Chris did her best to appear sober and dignified. “God works in mysterious ways, Kazuma.”

“So, is it an illusion, a robot, or…?”

Chris rolled her eyes. “Don’t be crass. That’s me from tomorrow. I just borrowed a little extra time. She has it easy—I have to remember all the nonsense Aqua spouts and revise my speech accordingly. I just know this is going to end up in the holy catechism, and I am not having another Disaster of 588 on my hands.”

“…What happened during the Disaster of 588?”

“Aqua briefly made it a theological imperative to always bathe with a rubber duck. Then I caused a schism when I tried to clarify what she meant and accidentally made bubble baths heresy.”

Kazuma stared at his friend in utter disbelief.

“It’s true. You can look it up. Don’t ask a priest unless you want the driest three-hour lecture you’ve ever heard. My version makes it sound interesting. The reality was a series of increasingly hostile ecumenical councils, more parchment and ink than you could store in the royal library, every high priest and civic council weighing in, and Elroad attempting to use rubber futures to consolidate its national debt.”

“You know what? I think I like being ignorant. What I’m imagining now is hilarious,” Kazuma decided. 

After another five minutes of Eris translating Aqua’s increasingly improvised sermon, he glanced at his wrist. He did not have a watch, but he tapped it anyway and glared meaningfully at Aqua. 

“-so, anyway, that’s why demons are smelly, except the ones who are my friends, and you should all just be nice and-Mmph! Mmmph!”

“And that is all the wisdom Heaven has for you today,” Eris said breathlessly, one hand clamped over Aqua’s mouth as bedlam erupted below. “Farewell, my devoted faithful!”

The rainbow flared. An angelic chorus hastily began to sing, and a golden door opened behind Aqua and Eris. Two visibly confused cherubs scattered rose petals while Eris frog-marched Aqua through the doorway and slammed it shut behind them.

Kazuma looked over at Chris, who had buried her face in her hands. “So, uh…588, huh?”

“…Kazuma, I need you to take my magic dagger so I don’t stab Senpai later.”

Kazuma nodded and reached for Chris’s belt, only for her to slap his hand away.

“I was being facetious, Kazuma! Come on! I’m going to go kick her ass!”

Chris marched over to the ramshackle palace, kicked open the door, and charged inside.

“SENPAI, WHAT THE FUCK?!”

Aqua and Cecily froze. Kazuma braced one hand against the wall and doubled over laughing.

Aqua sat on a stool, dressed in exactly the same short-skirted goddess outfit she always wore. A pair of Groucho Marx glasses rested on her face, while Cecily adjusted an enormous blonde afro wig over her head. Several locks of Aqua’s blue hair still poked visibly from beneath it.

“…Uh, we hadn’t finished putting on the disguise,” Aqua said defensively.

“…Senpai, when I said you needed a disguise, I meant one like this!” Chris hissed, gesturing to herself.

Cecily cocked her head. “Wait…Lady Eris? But I thought— OOOOOH! I get it! You two are secret lovers, and that was just an angel pretending to be Lady Eris! Oh, I can’t wait to tell all the other sisters!”

Kazuma hastily shook his head. “You can’t, Cecily.”

The Axis nun looked at him suspiciously. “Why? Don’t try to tell me they’re your lovers, NEETzuma. I still can’t believe you landed a cutiepie like Lolisa. And I guess Darkness is all right too.”

“…Because it’s a secret, forbidden romance,” Kazuma said gravely. “And if you tell anyone, it will make Aqua sad.”

Chris looked at Kazuma with pure murder in her eyes, while Aqua merely cocked her head, confused.

Cecily gasped in delight, both hands flying to her face. “Oh! Of course! I—you can trust me, Lady Aqua!”

She seized Chris’s hands, tears shining in her eyes. “Fear not, Lady Eris. I will not tell a soul. Not even High Priest Zesta. Your sacred toxic yuri relationship is safe with me.”

“Uh, thanks, Cecily. Can you give us a few?” Kazuma asked.

Cecily nodded, hurried out through the crooked doorway, and pulled it shut behind her.

“Aqua. I am going to murder your nun,” Chris said through gritted teeth.

“Eris! I mean, uh, Chris! You can’t! Cecily is my bestie!” Aqua protested. She frowned. “Uh, why does she think you’re in a toxic yuri relationship? I mean, I won’t tell the other gods, but you’ve gotta keep that on the DL, Chris. Ever since HR cracked down after the Zeus Incidents, they’ve been really strict about that stuff.”

Kazuma coughed. “Aqua…Cecily thinks…” He gestured between Aqua and Chris.

Aqua gasped as Chris yanked off the enormous afro and screamed into it.

“Chris! I mean, really? Uh, I always thought that would be kind of unprofessional, but if you—”

“Senpai, if you finish that sentence, I am filing a complaint with Haruhi herself and requesting a transfer,” Chris said dangerously, lowering the afro just far enough to glare at her.

Aqua immediately shut her mouth.

Kazuma looked back and forth between the goddesses. “Uh, do you two need to sit down with Lolisa? She’s, er…shockingly good at this sort of thing.”

“Kazuma, I am not discussing my workplace environment with your demon wife,” Chris growled.

Aqua stood and patted Chris on the back. “I’ll talk to her later, Kazuma. Now give me back the wig, Chris. Cecily said I looked cute in the glasses, but I need a little pizzazz.”

Chris sighed and lowered the wig. “Kazuma, you have a kajillion skill points. Please tell me you can fix this.”

“…Megumin dared me to spend an afternoon learning Hairstyling, Tailoring, and Theatrical Makeup from that traveling theatre company.” 

“Perfect. I’m going to drink until I can’t see straight, then determine whether it would cause a temporal paradox if I stopped Senpai from announcing tomorrow that Lolisa is our new best friend today,” Chris grumbled.

Kazuma paused, then tapped Chris on the shoulder before she could leave. She half turned. “What?”

“...Lolisa fell in love with Tina and me,” he admitted.

Aqua squealed in delight as Chris groaned and slowly shut the door. “She didn’t. She’s a demon. She can’t…”

“She gets a rash if either of us kiss her. We can’t even hold hands without gloves,” Kazuma admitted.

Aqua and Chris shared a long look. Then Chris pulled over the stool Cecily had been sitting on and lowered herself beside Aqua, leaning forward.

…All right. I believe you. Me help me…but I believe you. Tina’s a big, sweet dumdum who would fall in love with the first girl who ate her out, you’re a porcupine pretending you have a heart of stone, and Lolisa…” Chris sighed. “Lolisa isn’t what I expected.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Aqua said, taking Kazuma’s hand as tears filled her eyes. “And Darkness! And Lolisa too!”

“…Senpai, what happens when a demon encounters love?” Chris asked.

“Well, it hurts them, obviously. But that’s because they’re evil and smelly. Lolisa is cute and smells nice!” Aqua said brightly.

Chris stared at her.

Aqua’s shoulders slowly drooped. “…Yeah. I forget with Wiz too sometimes. I just…this isn’t how it’s supposed to work, right? Gods are supposed to be cool and awesome and grant blessings, and demons and undead are evil and icky! But Wiz is, like, my bestie too! And I like Lolisa! So…they can’t be evil, right?”

“You’re the senior goddess. I’m not even a thousand years old yet,” Chris said, puffing out her cheeks.

They sat together awkwardly for several minutes before Chris ran a hand through her short silver hair. “Listen, Kazuma…this is way, way outside my areas of expertise. Senpai and I are used to, you know, using Love to smite demons. Not trying to figure out how to…” She sighed. “This would be much easier if they’d let me implement race-change items in this world like I asked.”

“You wanted to stack racial traits and create a bug-abuse exploit!” Aqua accused. “And Regional Manager Boton very correctly pointed out that the other side could exploit it just as easily!”

Chris flushed, and Kazuma slowly turned toward her. “Do not tell me the salmon milk and mackerel plants were your idea.”

“…I was going through a phase,” Chris admitted.

Aqua sniggered, then sobered. “Look, Kazuma. This is…well, it’s not something I’ve seen before. And I’ve seen a lot of stuff. I know I’m not, uh…well, let’s just say I let Eris do a lot of the thinking. I always give her credit in my reports! Mostly.”

She fidgeted with the hem of her skirt. “Anyway, we’ll see what we can do. But we can’t simply turn this off. For one thing, that would require a root bypass that even a Regional Manager can’t perform at this stage of a world spirit. And for another…most demons aren’t as nice as Lolisa.”

“The exception that proves the rule,” Chris agreed.

“What about Becky, Wiz, and the rest of the girls?” Kazuma challenged.

Chris looked uncomfortable, while Aqua beamed. “Proof that salmon milk was a good idea, Eris-chan! Now come on, Kazuma! I want that makeover.”

When they stepped outside, Aqua had a new hairstyle, turquoise hair, contacts, tasteful reading glasses, a sundress, and, most importantly, no Groucho Marx glasses.

“I’ll be in touch. Gotta go write that speech now,” Chris said. She gave them a two-fingered wave, then sauntered off.

Kazuma and Aqua walked back toward the tent as the camp came apart around them. The Erisites packed their section in orderly rows, while the Axis cultists argued over who got to keep what and attempted to steal anything in the Erisite camp that had not been nailed down.

“So, you think…demons aren’t all evil?” Kazuma asked hopefully.

“Probably. But, Kazuma, demons aren’t people in the way you think,” Aqua said cautiously.

“If you’re saying Lolisa isn’t a person-!”

Aqua raised one hand. “Whoa, slow down! Let me explain.”

Kazuma’s hands curled into fists. But he listened. Aqua led him to the edge of the camp, took both his hands, and squeezed.

“Okay. Let me start by saying that I’m not a person in the way you think, either.”

“Aqua, that’s bullshit! You’re my best friend I’m not fucking, and you’re just as much of a person as Lolisa or Darkness!”

“Not the point, Kazuma.” Aqua squeezed hard enough to make him wince. “Gods are…not people. We’re ideas and concepts given form. I’m the Goddess of Water, right?”

“So, I’m literally a spring of pure water that people believed could heal, make art, and, um…was probably not very smart. So I became a goddess who could do all those things. I’m still that spring of water. Somewhere in Nagano Prefecture, actually.”

“…Right. You’re still a person.”

“That’s sweet, but you’re missing the point. I’m a person, but not a human.  Gods are the embodiments of concepts and the natural world. We’re not, you know, people created by doing what you and Darkness do five times a day.”

Kazuma winced. “...we’re cutting back.”

Ignoring him, Aqua continued, “In the same way, demons are not born when a mommy demon and a daddy demon do…stuff. They’re born out of negative emotions. I won’t go into all the things I learned in my orientation training, it’s boring and lame and took about a hundred years, but succubi specifically are born out of lust. Not just, like, being horny. Specifically…uh…how can I explain this?”

Aqua tapped her foot while Kazuma debated punching her for insulting Lolisa. He decided he would both break his hand, and that Aqua seemed to genuinely be trying to explain some weird theology stuff she’d learned from her racist onboarding process ten thousand years ago or whatever.

Aqua snapped her fingers. “Seeing someone as a thing. That’s it.”

Kazuma frowned.

“Not just having sex, or wanting it,” Aqua continued. “Treating someone else like they’re a toy. Something you can own. Not caring about them at all, or even seeing them as a person. Just something to make you feel good, and then throw them away.”

“That doesn’t sound like Lolisa.”

“I know,” Aqua said quietly. “That’s why this is weird.”

Kazuma considered that. “You make them all sound evil.”

Aqua winced. “Uh, up until I met Wiz and Lolisa? I kind of believed they were. Which, um…about sixteen thousand years of dealing with demons has sort of reinforced.”

“And all gods are holy and pure or whatever?!” Kazuma snarled, trying and failing to pull his hands free.

“No, Kazuma. That’s why we have the Zeus Protocols and a rulebook a hundred kilometers thick.”

“…And you never went digital, why?”

“Kazuma, you’re from Japan. Your government paperwork is progressive compared to the old farts in Heaven.”

He considered that, then sighed. “Okay, so…your point is?”

Aqua released his hands, only to pull him into a hug. “Maybe Lolisa is a demon, Kazuma, but…I guess you’re right. She is a person. Just like me. And I make mistakes and do dumb stuff, and Eris gets mad because she has to clean it up, and I have to apologize later. But it’s okay, because we’re besties. And now Lolisa is my bestie too. So we’ll figure this out, okay?”

“I…all right,” Kazuma agreed, gingerly returning the embrace. Slowly, he relaxed and closed his eyes.

“Also, Kazuma?”

“Yeah, Aqua?”

“…Would Lolisa really talk to me and Eris about…you know?”

Kazuma pulled back and stared at her incredulously. Aqua blushed and toyed with her glasses.

“Um, I sort of…that is…gods aren’t supposed to… I never really spent much time with mortals before, so…uh…maybe she could talk to me and Chris? I’m not saying I’m going to do anything. I just…I don’t like feeling stupid.”

“...you wouldn’t seriously…with Chris?” Kazuma asked, completely baffled.

Aqua glared at him. “I dunno. That’s why I wanna learn about it. And Eris should, too. I’m starting to think that maybe those seminars were all bullcrap. She’s my Junior, so it’s my job to make sure she’s properly trained!”

“...I’ll talk to Lolisa. She’ll be thrilled,” Kazuma chuckled.

Aqua beamed. “Great! Now, let’s go get some bubbly! We’re finished! WOO HOO!” 

Later, after Aqua was thoroughly tanked and sleeping it off in a separate tent with Megumin and Yunyun, Kazuma lay on the bed, fully clothed, looking at Lolisa and Darkness. They were snuggled up together, both sleeping, a bit of drool leaking from Darkness’ lips. Lolisa looked peaceful and happy, and…

The glove had come off. Kazuma carefully adjusted Darkness’s hand, so that it stayed away from Lolisa’s cheek. There was a red welt there.

“We’ll fix this,” Kazuma vowed. “I’ll just have to cheat. I always do.”