The Broad Side of a Barn: Chapter 13 (Patreon)

Drawing back his bowstring, Kazuma aimed at the approaching firedrake and—

TWANG!

A giant spear pinned the overgrown lizard to a boulder twenty meters away.

Grunting, Kazuma shifted his aim toward another, only for a rapid series of metallic thumps to drop the remaining monsters almost as quickly.

“I, ah, apologize,” Darkness said, lowering her bow. “But we are in something of a hurry.”

“Eh. I can level-grind later.” Kazuma unstrung his bow.

He wasn’t sure why he had bothered. Darkness kept her ballistic missile launcher strung as she paced beside the horses, eyes sweeping the ridges and treeline.

The first time he had watched her kill six monsters from an impossible distance, he had been impressed, turned on, and a little frightened.

Now it was getting annoying. He was used to being the competent one.

They had been riding east for two days, toward the Dustiness lands. The country had grown steadily rougher: pine-covered slopes above, willows and sycamores clustered along a tangled network of creeks below. The monsters were far more dangerous than anything normally found near Axel, and Darkness dispatched them with the grim efficiency of someone clearing vermin from a road.

Apparently, this was what she considered being in a hurry.

Kazuma and Lolisa shared Buttercup, while Aqua rode a pony of her own and braided flowers into its mane. Flowers she had somehow grown inside her waterskin. Megumin and Yunyun had teleported to the Crimson Demon Village to conduct their research, while Chris was still dealing with the fallout from Aqua announcing that she was friends with several demons.

Kazuma wondered whether the Erisite Church had reached the trade-embargo phase yet, or if everyone was still wasting parchment on angry letters.

“Kazuma…have you noticed?” Darkness asked quietly.

Lolisa’s arms tightened around his waist.

“It’s okay,” Kazuma murmured. “I don’t sense anything nearby.”

She relaxed slightly.

Kazuma looked down at Darkness. “Notice what? The empty road?”

“Yes.” Darkness glanced behind them. “And the monsters. We passed only one patrol, and Kurt van Mueller was leading it. He should have retired last year. Every person with him had grey in their hair.”

“They seemed happy to see you.”

“They are competent and loyal,” Darkness said. “Which means they will remain at their posts even when their pay is delayed…or absent.”

Her expression crumpled. “If my house cannot keep its roads clear, this is a crisis. I should have come home much earlier.”

Kazuma sighed. “Well, our party is probably overkill for bumming around Axel. Megumin will love having new targets for her landscaping projects, and if you tell Yunyun she can be one of your bridesmaids, she’ll probably clear the road to Steinbruck for free.”

Darkness’s lips twitched. “Thank you, Kazuma.”

“Don’t thank me yet. The only things out here I have any business hunting are the dire rabbits.”

“At least you can hunt those,” Lolisa muttered. “This is why I stick to settlements.”

“Steinbruck is larger than Axel and well defended,” Darkness promised. “We should reach it by late afternoon.”

“Good!” Aqua called. “I’m thirsty, and my butt hurts!”

Kazuma groaned. “I never want to ride a horse again.”

A flight of four wyverns delayed them only briefly. Darkness dispatched them, then led the party toward a stone watchtower crowning the next hill.

“Ah, my lady!” an elderly mage called from the battlements. “We saw you take out those damned flying lizards. Good show!”

He conjured a staircase down the tower’s side. At the top, two older archers and a green-haired girl with pigtails waited beside him. The girl could not have been more than fourteen.

“Are you receiving provisions?” Darkness asked.

“We are, my lady.” The girl offered her a bowl of soup and black bread, then bowed. “House Dustiness shields the realm.”

“Thank you, Frieda.” Darkness accepted the bowl. “I see you have taken service. You do your father proud.”

“When she isn’t complaining!” one of the older archers called.

“I—I’m honored to serve!” Frieda said, beaming.

“How’s the pay?” Kazuma asked.

All three archers went silent. The mage became intensely interested in the surrounding countryside.

Rugged, Kazuma thought. Beautiful in a harsh sort of way. Tough, dangerous, and liable to produce far too many giant things that wanted to eat you.

Sort of like House Dustiness.

For a given value of eat.

Sighing, he handed Darkness his purse. “You dropped this earlier.”

Her ears colored. Then she counted out a week’s wages for all four retainers.

“We ain’t starving,” Frieda’s father muttered, but he accepted the money and bowed. “Thank you, my lady. We know the burdens Lord Ignis has been carrying. And we heard about Axel.”

“Ah. The missing wages…” Darkness winced. “I will see them restored.”

Frieda brightened. “My father means you fought a Duke of Hell beside the goddesses and Princess Stylish-Sword! No wonder you chose Lord Kazuma as your consort!”

Kazuma nearly choked on his soup.

Darkness merely patted Frieda’s shoulder. “He is Master Kazuma at present. But I am heartened to hear the approval of such a faithful retainer.”

Once they were back on the road, Kazuma stared down at her from Buttercup.

“What do you mean, at present?!”

“You will likely be granted a barony, perhaps an earldom, for your service to the realm,” Darkness said. “Megumin will receive some manner of cursed relic, and Yunyun a knighthood at the very least.”

“Wait. So this isn’t because I’m marrying you?”

“Oh, no. You would have been knighted upon becoming my consort. Though I could probably persuade Uncle Melark to provide a barony as a wedding gift.”

Kazuma stared. “By Uncle Melark, you mean the king?”

“Ah. Er…His Majesty, yes.”

“Hey! What about Lolisa?”

Lolisa shifted behind him in the saddle. “I don’t officially exist, Kazuma. I’m a demon. My reward is that everyone pretends I wasn’t there and that I’m only your maid.”

“…Fucking bullshit.”

“House Dustiness does not forget its debts,” Darkness said. She reached up and squeezed Lolisa’s gloved hand. “Nor would I forget my lover. A public peerage would attract dangerous attention, but I can appoint you to administer one of our smaller manors along the River Daub.”

“I—I…” Lolisa hiccupped, leaned down to hug her, then released her before a rash could form. “Thank you.”

Kazuma frowned. “How small is ‘small’?”

“A modest manor house, no more than fifty tenant families, and perhaps a lumber mill or smithy.”

“You can do that when you’re broke?”

“Ducal poverty is not ordinary poverty,” Darkness admitted. “Most of our lands cannot be sold. They exist to support roads, garrisons, and the people living upon them. Lolisa would manage one of the smaller estates and retain whatever remained after meeting those obligations.”

“So she gets a house, a salary, an entire village, and free firewood for life.”

“And the responsibility to protect and provide for that village, Kazuma.”

“I’ll do a good job!” Lolisa swore. “I’ve helped Becky with the books.”

Kazuma looked back toward the receding tower. “Hold on. If the land pays for roads and garrisons, why is everyone old, fourteen, or unpaid?”

Darkness’s expression hardened.

“My father’s failing health and my absence left our lesser vassals vulnerable. I suspect Alderp sent armed bailiffs to divert their revenues into his own coffers.”

“But he’s dead,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Yes. The diversions will stop, much of the money may be recovered, and the Crown will likely annul the remaining fraudulent debts.” Darkness hesitated. “In fact, I expect to be named feudal lord of Axel.”

“Oh, wow,” Lolisa said. “That’s a barony in its own right!”

“This is making my head hurt,” Kazuma complained.

Darkness chuckled. “This is the simplest form of ducal responsibility. Wait until you must hear Viscount Harling and Viscountess Dremelda accuse each other of moving the same border stones in the night.”

Kazuma stared down at her. “Why would I have to hear it?”

“You would not force your pregnant wife to endure their thousandth argument, would you?” Darkness placed one hand delicately against her abdomen. “I might develop a headache and require rest.”

“You killed four wyverns without even mounting a horse!”

“The wyverns did not bring a century of contradictory land surveys.”

Kazuma turned to Lolisa. “She’s exaggerating, right?”

“Kazuma, I’ve delivered some very strange dreams. Humans fighting over a few meters of border for a hundred years doesn’t make the top ten pettiest things I’ve helped people process by turning them into sexual metaphors.”

Kazuma began silently plotting an enemies-to-lovers dream for Viscount Har-whatever and Countess Dre-so-and-so.

The constant attacks slowed their progress, but they reached Steinbruck an hour before sunset.

The town was larger than Axel and far more heavily fortified. Weathered grey walls rose fifteen meters above the surrounding ground, their stonework carved with shimmering runes that glowed gold in the setting sun. Guards crowded the battlements, and as the party approached, a company of armored knights rode out to meet them on tame hawkites.

“Lady Dustiness! You have returned!”

The elderly knight leading them raised his visor, revealing a broad grin, and swung down from his mount. The others followed, dropping reverently to one knee.

“Rise, Sir Aidrick.” Darkness’s gaze searched his face. “My father—is he…?”

The old knight’s smile vanished.

He stood and gripped Darkness’s shoulder with the familiarity of someone who had known her long before she became a crusader or ducal heir.

“Old Ignis still lives, Lady Tina,” he said softly. “But he does not have long. Mother Bekka gives him a few days. No more.”

His hand tightened upon her shoulder.

“Hurry.”

Darkness accepted an offered hawkite, and the party thundered up the main road toward a fortified manor crowning a hill beside the River Daub, which ran along Steinbruck’s western edge.

The road was busy, but carts and pedestrians hurried aside as they approached. Some bowed. Others cheered Darkness’s name as she raced past. She had been gone for years, yet the people here still knew her. More than that, they were glad she had returned. 

Kazuma watched them from Buttercup’s saddle and felt something unpleasant tighten in his stomach. These people expected Darkness to protect them. And when he married her, they would expect something from him too.

He wondered whether he could ever live up to that.

“Hey,” Lolisa whispered.

Kazuma turned to look at her.

She smiled and winked. “You’re already my hero, Kazuma. Tina’s too.”

Kazuma blushed, nodded, and turned back toward the road. He resumed pretending to steer Buttercup, who appeared to know the way considerably better than he did.

“A SHIELD APPROACHES! OPEN THE GATES!” a voice bellowed from the watchtower overlooking the thick stone wall surrounding the manor grounds.

Two guards in Dustiness livery swung the gates open. As Darkness rode through, they saluted and snapped to attention.

The grounds contained several gardens and pavilions arranged around a burbling natural spring. They followed a brown cobblestone path toward the manor, Buttercup’s iron-shod hooves ringing against the stone.

Servants poured from the stables and manor house as Darkness swung from her saddle. She turned first to help Lolisa down, then offered Kazuma her hand.

“I’ve got it!” Aqua called.

Her foot caught in the stirrup, and she promptly fell to the ground with a thud.

“Tina!”

Kazuma turned.

Holly and Ivy were hurrying toward them with tears in their eyes. The two maids flung their arms around Darkness, and she gently embraced them in return.

“You came,” Ivy hiccupped. “I—I was worried.”

“Of course she came,” Holly said, sniffling. She wiped hastily at her eyes. “Oh! I—I’m sorry, my lady—”

“No. It’s all right,” Darkness said quietly.

She glanced toward Aqua, who was being disentangled from the stirrup by several stable boys, Then Darkness placed a hand upon Lolisa’s shoulder.

“Ah, you have already met Kazuma and Aqua. This is Lolisa. She…” Darkness paused. “She will be attending me.”

Holly looked Lolisa up and down as the succubus adjusted her cloak.

“Of course she will.” Her gaze returned to Darkness. “Ignis will want to meet her, I take it?”

“Yes,” Darkness said.

Holly turned toward an older maidservant. “Marissa, I believe Lady Aqua would like to inspect the spring—and perhaps bless it. Afterward, perhaps you could show her the wine cellar?”

“Of course, mistress.” Marissa nodded without hesitation. “It should be only family.”

She hurried over to distract Aqua before the goddess remembered why they had come.

“Please,” Ivy said, taking Darkness by the hand. “He has been waiting for you.”

She led them quickly up the steps.

The interior of the house was the opposite of Alderp’s manor in every conceivable way. Nothing had been chosen merely to display wealth. Every portrait, piece of furniture, and marble tile seemed to have occupied its place for generations, arranged with an exquisite eye and maintained without flaw.

There was gilding here and there, but the house had no need to shout. Polished stone, dark hardwood, and carefully placed lamps gave the entrance hall a quiet weight. Its grandeur spoke not of money, but of age, duty, and the absolute conviction that House Dustiness would remain long after everyone presently living beneath its roof was gone.

Kazuma barely had time to appreciate any of it before Holly pulled them onward.

Holly and Ivy led the three of them up two flights of stairs and into a well-lit bedroom.

An Erisite priestess knelt beside the bed in prayer. A witch doctor attended the man beneath the blankets, while an alchemist silently mixed a potion at a nearby table.

When Darkness entered, all three healers looked up. They murmured respectful greetings, The healers gathered their things and quietly withdrew.

Holly crossed to the bedside and touched Ignis’s shoulder.

Kazuma barely recognized him.

The duke looked ancient, as though he had aged thirty years since Kazuma had last seen him. His blond hair had been leached almost white, and his skin was so thin and translucent that every vein showed beneath it. Each breath came shallow and ragged. His half-open eyes were dulled by fever.

“Iggy,” Holly whispered, crouching beside him. “Tina’s here. She came, just like we promised.”

Ivy moved to the other side of the bed and gently took the duke’s hand between both of hers.

“Who?” Ignis wheezed.

He squinted toward them despite the bright lamps and the brazier glowing in the corner.

“I…I can’t see.”

Holly looked to Ivy.

“They…” Ivy choked out. “They said to give it to him when she came.”

Holly hurried to the bedside table, retrieved a stoppered clay vial, and pulled the stopper free. She passed it carefully to Ivy.

“This will help you see, Iggy,” Ivy whispered, sliding one hand behind his head. “For just a little while.”

“More medicine, Alice?” Ignis wheezed.

Ivy froze. Then she raised the faintly steaming concoction to his lips. 

“Yes,” she whispered. “Just a little more.”

Ignis drank. Silent tears streamed down Ivy’s cheeks as she carefully lowered his head back onto the pillow.

Darkness came forward and knelt beside her father’s bed.

Kazuma and Lolisa settled beside her, each placing an arm around her shoulders. Darkness remained rigid beneath their touch, her lips pressed tightly together and her breathing reduced to short, trembling breaths.

Whatever composure she had carried through the journey was seconds from breaking.

A little color returned to Ignis’s cheeks, and his eyes slowly brightened. He lifted his head from the pillow, blinking until his gaze settled upon Darkness.

“Tina? Why are you…” His brow furrowed. “I thought you were with—but no. Your mother isn’t here.”

“I—I came, Father.” Darkness gently took his trembling hand between both of hers. Holly moved to kneel beside Ivy, and the two maids clung to one another, their eyes fixed upon the duke.

“So you did,” Ignis murmured, smiling faintly.

His gaze drifted toward Kazuma.

“Ah. Young Master Sato.” His smile turned almost mischievous. “I must say…I am disappointed.”

“Uh, how’s that, old man?” Kazuma managed, forcing a smile.

Ignis closed his eyes again.

“You never did get Tina pregnant, as she claimed. I would have liked to hold a grandchild before my time came.”

Darkness gave a broken, painful laugh.

Kazuma coughed. “Uh…about that…”

Ignis’s eyes snapped open.

He tried to sit upright, but Darkness quickly pressed a hand to his shoulder and eased him back against the pillows. Holly and Ivy both gasped, then stared at her with sudden, dawning smiles.

“It—it’s true, Father,” Darkness said.

Her voice trembled, but she guided his hand gently toward her abdomen. “I am only a few weeks along, but the goddesses confirmed it. House Dustiness will continue.”

Her composure finally broke. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she bent over his hand. “You may rest secure in that.”

Ignis groaned, coughed, and then managed, “Thank the goddesses! Tina…you and Master Sato…you are wed?”

“I…no, father. We…we came to ask for your blessing,” Darkness admitted. She hesitated, then gently pushed Lolisa forward. “And…there is one thing. This is…this is Lolisa. I love her…very much.”

“Um…hello, Your Grace,” she whispered. Then, after a moment, she bowed her head. “I love Tina too.” 

Ignis raised one eyebrow. “I see you inherited your mother’s tastes, then.”

Darkness made a strangled squawk and turned scarlet.

Ignis wheezed with laughter.

“You did not think Abigail the Mage was included in so many of our family portraits merely because she belonged to our youthful adventuring party, did you?”

“I…no one ever told me.” Darkness lowered her eyes. “I never knew her.”

“She was a great woman,” Ignis said.

He closed his eyes, his faint smile fading. “But let us not spend what little time remains mourning the past.”

His hands trembling, Ignis guided Kazuma’s and Lolisa’s hands beneath Darkness’s, then wrapped his own around all three.

“I give you my blessing as the reigning Duke of House Dustiness. And, more importantly…as Ignis, father of Lalatina.”

His fingers tightened weakly.

“Make her happy. Stay by her side, as her mother and I no longer can.”

“I—I promise, sir,” Kazuma said, sniffling as he tried to blink away his own tears.

“For the rest of her life,” Lolisa swore. “And…and beyond.”

Ignis began coughing again. This time, flecks of blood stained his lips.

When the fit finally subsided, he turned his eyes toward Holly and Ivy.

“My dears…I have made provisions for you in my will. You will be cared for.” His breath caught. “I am sorry I never…that I could not give you more.”

“You gave us your heart,” Holly said fiercely. “That was more than enough.”

Ivy nodded, tears spilling freely down her cheeks.

Ignis managed a faint, sorrowful smile.

“I fear I am only an old man who took the best years of your lives…and left you no children to remember them by.”Another coughing fit seized him. Ignis sagged back against the pillows, gasping for air.

“Is…is there more potion?” Lolisa asked, glancing toward the alchemist’s table.

Ivy hesitated.

“It’s the potion that’s killing him now,” she whispered. “He won’t last the night. We cannot give him another dose. That one was only so he would know you, Tina.”

“The order was mine,” Ignis said sternly. “Do not blame Herbalist Yvolt.”

Darkness quickly nodded.

They remained together for another half hour, speaking quietly, but Ignis’s borrowed clarity rapidly faded. Before long, he was calling Darkness “Alice” and “Abby” by turns, and more than once referred to Kazuma as “Fritz.”

An hour after sunset, the door flew open and blue light flooded the room.

“Aha! I knew it smelled like that fat bastard in here!” Aqua proclaimed.

“Aqua! Not now!” Kazuma hissed, turning to glare at her as several frantic servants attempted—and utterly failed—to drag the goddess back into the corridor.

Aqua tossed her head. Her hair spilled down to its former length as the turquoise dye ran out of it in shimmering rivulets, revealing its natural sky-blue color.

“Yep! I could smell something rotten all the way from the wine cellar, and it’s coming from right here!”

“Aqua, there is nothing you can do,” Lolisa hissed.

She hurried toward the goddess despite visibly flinching from the holy light surrounding her.

“It’s a disease. You can’t simply heal it away!”

“Pfft. That isn’t a disease.”

Aqua shook off Lolisa’s hands, marched to the bedside, and pressed two fingers against Ignis’s forehead.

“Sacred Magic Break!”

Something shattered.

The sound seemed to come from everywhere at once. The air convulsed, the lamps flickered, and everyone in the room staggered—everyone except Aqua, who remained perfectly still and unbearably smug.

She withdrew her hand and dusted off her fingers.

“That, Lolisa, was a curse.”

Ignis blinked, then sat up. The pallor on his skin was gone, and there was a healthy glow on his cheeks. He touched one hand to his forehead, then gasped. “I…I feel…what just happened?”

“Alderp put a curse on you,” Aqua said, walking around the room and sniffing like a divine bloodhound. “Probably on an object you have in the bedroom or something. He’s dead, so it’d have to be an anchored curse.”

“But—but all the priests and clerics checked for curse anchors!” Holly protested. “We performed the full rites three times!”

Ivy began sobbing and threw herself onto Ignis, clinging tightly to the duke. The impact knocked him back against the pillows, still too weak to resist, but he laughed as he wrapped his arms around her and returned her frantic kisses.

Aqua pulled open a drawer and sniffed inside it, then moved to the next without bothering to close the first.

“Nah. Alderp was contracted to a Duke of Hell,” she said. “Honestly, even my junior Eris couldn’t have detected or broken a curse like this. You need at least a Senior Goddess!”

“Aqua!” Darkness gasped.

There was very little reproach in it. She was laughing through her tears as she pulled Kazuma and Lolisa into a crushing embrace.

“Am…am I going to live?” Ignis asked.

The Erisite priestess and witch doctor hurried back to the bedside and began casting diagnostic spells.

“Duh. I wouldn’t be much of a goddess of healing if I let someone croak because of one boring old curse,” Aqua said.

“I—please, everyone,” Holly said, trying to recover control of the room. “His Grace and the family need a moment with Her Holiness.”

She began ushering the healers and other servants toward the door.

“Mistress Holly, what do we do?” a butler gasped, catching her hands. “What do we tell everyone?”

“You tell them His Grace is going to live, Alain!” Holly ordered. “Have the church bells rung at dawn, and declare a feast day!”

She froze, then glanced uncertainly toward Darkness. “Um…if that is acceptable to you, my lady.”

“Oh, just call me Tina,” Darkness said, laughing through her tears. “And yes. Yes, that is more than acceptable.”

Once the non-family members had departed, Holly crossed the room and very deliberately climbed into bed beside Ignis and Ivy. She laid her head against his chest and wrapped one arm around him.

Ignis drew her closer, then looked toward Aqua.

The goddess stood in the middle of the room with her hands on her hips, frowning at the furniture.

“I…thank you, Goddess,” Ignis said. “Your servant is deeply grateful. I shall live to see my baby girl wed…and hold my grandchildren.”

“Hey, no problem. Darkness is my buddy!” Aqua replied absently. “Just build a little shrine to me beside the spring or something. That’s what people usually do.”

She continued scanning the room.Then her brow furrowed.

“Huh. That’s super weird.”

Slowly, Kazuma rose and moved to Aqua’s side.

“What’s weird?”

“The curse is just…gone. Poof!” Aqua flicked her fingers dismissively at the room. “I broke the connection, but the anchor should still have some residue. Instead, there’s nothing. No anchor. No demonic taint at—”

She stopped. Aqua sniffed the air. Then she frowned and marched toward Lolisa.

“Uh, Aqua?” Lolisa asked.

The goddess seized her arm and lifted it above her head. Lolisa yelped as Aqua leaned in and sniffed her armpit.

“Huh,” Aqua said. “Kinda…burnt spice. Are you wearing perfume?”

“I—no!” Lolisa protested, turning bright red. “We’ve been traveling for three days! I haven’t even had time to freshen up!”

Aqua leaned closer and sniffed again. “Huh. Didn’t smell like that last week.” 

She slowly turned in place, sniffing the air.

Kazuma shook his head. “Aqua, if there’s no anchor…what does that mean?”

“Well…” Aqua drew the word out. “Either this is some kind of curse I’ve never seen before, or…”

She hesitated.

“Or Alderp is alive,” Darkness said grimly. The joy vanished from her face. She turned toward the bed.

“Father, forgive me, but it seems we must depart immediately. Is Archmage Heather still in Steinbruck?”

“But you’ve barely arrived!” Ignis protested. “And the wedding—you came for my blessing!”

Then his expression tightened. He shook his head. “No. You always did understand your duty.”

Ignis tried to push himself upright, but his arms trembled beneath him. “Go. I am still too weary to rise from this bed, but Heather should be at the mages’ college.”

“Kazuma. Lolisa. With me,” Darkness barked.

She strode from the room, and they hurried after her. Aqua followed a moment later.

“But we killed him!” the goddess protested, looking genuinely worried.

“He possessed the necklace.”

Darkness reached into her belt pouch and withdrew the Divine Item. She examined it once, then held it out to Aqua.

“Is it authentic?”

“Uh…” Aqua turned it over in her hands. “It looks right. It feels magical. It might even do the same thing, but…”

Her eyes narrowed. “No. I didn’t make this.”

“You’re sure?” Kazuma asked.

“Now that I’m actually examining it? Yeah.” Aqua traced one finger along the setting. “It’s an extremely good copy, but something about it is wrong.”

“Fuck,” Kazuma said.

Lolisa groaned.

“Indeed,” Darkness said grimly. “Archmage Heather will teleport us to the capital. If Alderp survived, Iris is in danger.”

Her hand closed around the false necklace. “A Dustiness must stand at her side.”

“We’re with you,” Kazuma said.

He caught Darkness’s hand and squeezed it once. She turned and gave him a brief, grateful smile before leading them down toward the courtyard.

Minutes later, they were galloping through the gates and into the darkness, Kazuma’s heart hammering as the manor vanished behind them.

Hold on, Little Sis.