A brief account of my failed Glastonbury 2016 break in attempt (Patreon)

My plan was to scale the 5 metre fence with an extendable ladder that i bought on eBay for £30. Despite every road, path and farm track within a mile of the fence absolutely crawling with security, I managed to Mission my way through the fields in the pitch black, getting torn to shreds by brambles, ripping my clothes, head to toe in stingy nettles and wet from the waist down after falling in a boggy ditch. (I had been getting pissed at a village pub where the locals warned me not to bother but applauded my gumption) 

Eventually, the noise of the festival getting ever nearer, I came to a wigwam glamping field where I had no choice but to attempt to run past the security, who chased me through the wigwams where i lost them and promptly darted into a really steep wood, just south of the fence. In the process I had to drop my ladder out of fear of being caught up, but I was now yards from the fence and it's many watch towers, hiding in the brambles, with a huge spot light right shining right at me every now and then. The drop was too steep to scale so I retreated momentarily back into the wigwam field after about 30 minutes of hiding. But the security had been waiting and were ready to pounce. I ran from them again, this time diving into a huge patch of stinging nettles on the edge of the wood and pulling them over me to hide myself. After 2 minutes, they found me, telling me that if I'd have walked 2 metres further than that I would have fallen down a small cliff. I soon won them over as they escorted me to the holding pen tent for fellow breakers in and people who are overdosing on drugs. Here I was detained for 3 hours before being driven to Glastonbury town centre where I slept in the doorway of BetFred for an hour and awoke to the sound of a somerset dustbin man exclaiming "have you heard, we've left the EU.."They head of security told me that about 200 people had tried to break in thus far (Thursday night) and none had succeeded. I might try again in 2020...