Update on ideas & other musings (Patreon)

Coming off my previous post, I have some new ideas for Summer tier content! Would like some feedback.

• Weekly podcast talking about current K-Pop news! Audio form only for now. Produced by someone else who would be in charge of it going out every week.
• Request livestreams where only SUMMER tier Patrons and up get priority/suggestions. So imagine like our usual request livestreams but SOME OF THEM I will make the stream only accessible to summer tier patrons and up. Spring tier patrons can only watch the VOD after!

Let me know what you guys think about these additions?

I also calculated and clocked in that I work somewhere between 70 hours a week. That didn't sound too bad to me. But in a month I work somewhere between 280 and 280+ hours. It's like I put myself in a constant perpetual state of crunch. I mean, people should work hard but I objectively see what I'm doing to myself and I think "WTF".

So here's the weird position I find myself in. I actually really like doing this. I like giving you guys something that brings a little therapeutic relief into your life. I really like doing this. So I thought "oh but I like doing this so that's fine right? But it seems that my newfound optimism and enjoyment of this work has been causing me to overwork. To the point where I've developed ulcers and potentially stomach cancer (crossing fingers on that one).

I'll admit, I'm the worst at taking my own advice. I would never allow anyone I know to push themselves to this extent, taking zero time for themselves and just working all week long. But it's been like this compulsion, I actually can't stop. So I had to think: BUT WHY?

And I think I need to admit that the pandemic actually fucked me up mentally more than I could ever imagine. My parents lost everything due to the pandemic and became financially dependent on me. But my mother told me on the phone today, "It's okay. Even if it gets bad, we won't die." 

I think that's what has fed into my paranoia this pandemic. My parents lost everything and it's made me go: but what if I lose everything? People on this Patreon all have different wants and needs and I have this sick need to please EVERYONE because I'm worried that it will all be over if I rest. I don't trust you guys enough to let myself rest. Why? Because the pandemic has shown me that HOLY CRAP PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE.

Even in the wake of a mass global crisis we couldn't band together as a country. I'm going to be honest, I had little trust in people before but man I must have been holding onto that because when what little broke I began to trust NO ONE.

I've been finding myself scared as I see people like Jang Dae Hee and Ju Dan Tae and I fear of becoming like them. And now I see that I've been in those early stages of distrusting the world, and going to extraordinary lengths in the pursuit of security. Everyday for almost 6 months now all I have been doing is WORRYING. Worrying about not making rent, worrying about my parents not making rent, and if we don't we'll die, etc. etc. I realize I may have a chronic worrying disorder and I'll go about seeking a psychiatrist to diagnosing me and helping me out with that.

And so I'm going to take it a bit easy. Even as I say this it fills me with dread. I'm that anxious. I'm still going to work, and I'm going to work hard but... I'll give myself days off. I'll take weekends off again. I'll also try my best to trust people again. I'll trust that I already put out a lot of entertaining worthwhile content that if I do step back a little, people won't leave in droves. And if people do leave I won't hold it against anyone, and I'll just adapt. I'll adapt and survive like I always have.

I've always worried my entire life but recently I've felt so... weak. I read my post from earlier and I hate the person who wrote that. I sound so pathetic and weak, and unlike myself. I guess the pain has just been so bad I'm just losing it grips with my mind. But I'm a survivor, I've gotten this far on adapting and being able to think on my feet. So in the coming week I'll figure out my schedule for September. It may be a bit less so I wanted to give people a heads up and it may not return back to the way things were for a few months. 

But let me just get better, and in the mean time hopefully I can brainstorm some new worthwhile content as well!

And lastly let me just apologize. I feel like I've worried so many people and at the end of the day... it's my fault. I didn't realize my people pleasing and workaholic nature was getting OUT OF HAND. And here's the thing... I actually DID develop a good system to make sure I didn't overwork... But then July's incidents fucked that all up so it's thrown me all out of whack. I should have known better. I'll quit worrying people. I promise!

The whole point was that this was supposed to be a relaxing/happy place for you all.

Anyway, last lengthy post of the day. Have a wonderful rest of your day. I still need to film ACE but I'm going to do that tomorrow and force myself to heal today. I hope you all make time to rest yourselves as well.