Evening self-care (Patreon)

Once we have crossed the river of death we begin to ascend the huge mountain of oblivion and rebirth.

One of my Patrons said something that, I’m sure without meaning to, broke my heart but made me look within myself.

WiseSmellyLegs, in true wise fashion, said they hoped for me to be in Korea someday because it was clear that during my time there that I shined bright like a diamond.

There’s a lot of logistical factors right now in my way but I can’t keep allowing hating my environment into my heart.

You’ve seen how this Patreon has been.

You’ve seen how I’ve been.

So I forced myself to go out and adventure to an anime figurine shop to look for a Rengoku figurine (I’ve been searching for a year and for SOME FUCKING REASON NO ONE EVER HAS RENGOKU BUT HIS FUCKING DUMB LITTLE BROTHER; BRUH RENGOKU DIDNT DIE FOR PEOPLE NOT TO SELL STATUES OF HIM BUT HIS LIL BRO WHO HAD LIKE TWO SCENES) but they were closed 🤷🏻‍♀️

I walked into a shop next to it instead and spoke with a Hong Kong elderly man. We had a very beautiful and deep conversation and it was incredibly nourishing for my soul.

And then Wise’s words rang in my head.

You know why I was so happy in Korea?

I felt like I DESERVED it. There’s something about being in a country that doesn’t try to kill you (in food, health and danger), it encourages health, transportation is easy and clean and perfect—

I realize when I’m in America I always feel I don’t deserve anything.

It’s why in Seoul I was out buying fashion accessories and styling myself trying to put Hyunsuk out of a job—cus I felt free enough to be myself.

So I forced it. I saw these really beautiful Asian hair pins and it reminded me of Heejin’s Algorithm so I bought it and yeah I’m really gonna be THAT bitch now. I tie my hair all the time anyway, I’m now gonna incorporate Asian needles to really class it up and really be that Joseon bitch.

I also got myself a nice ring. It’s in the box! It’s a secret just for myself 😌 Maybe I’ll share someday.

I’m choosing to make Seoul be a state of mind. I’ve been trying hard on my own the past month, and now I’m trying to balance that with a work life.

This Patreon, you all, have inspired and reminded me to be myself. It’s been 7 years and it’s taken me a long time but I’m slowly getting it. I’ve been hearing how my performances seem better or more enthusiastic and I’m glad it comes across.

I’m gonna wrap up my night reading some manga in this coffee shop (I’m reading BANANA FISH cus one of our Patrons sugggested the anime and uhhh what’s going on???).

I just wanted to conclude with some raw shit:

hey, I have felt like an ugly autistic freak my entire life. I was cut, beaten, and tortured for being ARTISTIC my entire life by the outside and inside world.

I stopped trusting people for a long time.

It’s been weird to accept that you guys care about me because genuinely people have just made me feel so… like a freak for caring about art and the greater good.

People, my own family and friends continue to cast me aside because they say they all “fear me”.

I’ve done all the good I can. I can’t describe the amount of times I have SHOWN UP for people, paid for shit, helped other people fulfill their dreams, connect people with other people—and then I’m left out.

I’m so fucking done trying to please people, make people like me, and not fear me. If they judge me for how big and tall I am, how loud my voice is, and god damn because I am just a charismatic speaker? Well whatever.

So thank you all for making me feel like I can actually become my true self. It’s still a little further away… but I see it now.

I’ll continue to use this fuel and everyone’s support to not only make better videos but eventually change the world. I don’t care how long it takes, I’ll get there.

So for now I am always going to embody a Seoul/Joseon state of mind. I hope to inspire you all to do the same by showing you through my actions.

It’s helping me become a better leader and creator. Like choosing to do the MAMA video to make yall smile while still choosing my own health as a priority.

It’s not enough to have a happy place—you have to live in it.