Tachyon's Ridiculous Raygun, Part 1 (Food TF, Umamusume) (Patreon)

Snapping the last piece of the mechanical puzzle into place, Agnes Tachyon threw back her head in maniacal laughter. “Ah-hahahahahaha! It’s complete! It’s finally complete!” 

Removing her goggles, she stepped back to examine her work. It looked like a big scifi raygun, mounted on a tripod and aimed out of the laboratory’s window, but oh, but this device wasn’t for disintegrating things. Oh, no no no no. This device was designed to do almost the opposite: it was designed to improve them! Any Umamusume struck by its beam would be transformed into their ideal self, a super-horsegirl capable of winning any race! 

Rubbing her hands greedily through her sleeves, Tachyon grinned. With it, she could make an army of ultra-horsegirls capable of conquering the entire world. Ah-hahahahaha! 

…Of course, she still had to test it first. And who better to be the first target but herself?

Picking up the remote, she made her way into the raygun’s path…

…and tripped, striking the button with her thumb in the process. 

With a zzzap!, a bright green beam shot from the raygun’s tip and out of the window. 

For several seconds, Tachyon simply stood staring. Finally, she shrugged. “Eh, I’m sure no harm will come of it.” 

*

“Urrrrrrrgh, I’m sooooooo hungry…” 

On a bench in the Academy’s courtyard, Gold Ship pulled up her legs and rolled from side to side. “I’m soooo hungry…! McQueen…! McQueen…! You’ve got to help me…!” 

Mejiro McQueen, occupying the slim portion of the bench left over from Golshi’s tantrum, slipped her hand back into her bag of sweets and studiously ignored her. 

“McQueen!” Realizing she wasn’t getting anywhere, Gold Ship flipped onto her front instead and shuffled up to her, sniffing loudly. “Eh? Eh? What have you got there…? Is that candy? It’s candy, right? And you’re going to let me have some, aren’t you?” Her stomach rumbled, as if pleading for McQueen to give in too. 

McQueen opened a single eye just long enough to glare at her. “No,” she said, plopping another into her mouth. 

“Ah, but what if I grab one when you’re not expecting it?” said Goldshi, rubbing her hands and licking her lips. “All you’ve got to do is lower your guard for one second, and–” She made a grab for a sweet– McQueen deftly moved it out of the way. “For one–” She made a second attempt, no more successful than the first. “For one–” 

She made one final grab, missed, and struck her own eye with her recoiling hand. And once again, Gold Ship ended up on her back, rolling around, if in pain rather than hunger this time. “Ah! Ahhhh!” 

“Why didn’t you simply purchase your own food?” said McQueen. “Honestly.” 

As Gold Ship opened her mouth to reply, an earsplitting zzzap! struck their ears. Both stopped what they were doing to look – just in time for a beam of bright green light to shoot across the courtyard and slam into their exposed bodies. McQueen squealed: high-pitched and noble, like a courtly princess. Gold Ship screamed: low-pitched and wild, like a monkey. 

Just as suddenly as they’d started, they cut off, if for two slightly different reasons: Gold Ship found herself snapped onto her back with her legs straight and her arms against her sides, while McQueen clasped her cheeks as they puffed up. “Mmmphf! Mmmphf!” 

“H-hey! Hey! What’s happening?!” cried Golshi, struggling to move. “Hey! McQueen! What’s happening?!” 

“Mmmphf!” McQueen moaned as her cheeks grew even larger. And they were the only parts of her swelling: slowly, the puffing spread across her face and down her neck to her chest, making her uniform creak as she stretched it taut. From there it spread swiftly down her arms, leaving them fat and plump and, stranger still, white and grainy. Golshi squirmed, struggling to figure out what she was staring at. 

As if things couldn’t get any weirder, their clothes rippled and pulsed and started to flake away from their bodies. The two squealed even louder, fighting to conceal themselves, as the last of their uniforms blew away on the breeze, taking most of their dignity with them in the process. 

“C-come back!” cried Gold Ship. “Urgh, I can’t let people see me like this! They’ll think I’m some kind of weirdo! Come back! Come– Hey!” 

Looking down, she squeaked to see her legs turning black. Like a wave of ink, the darkness spread up her thighs and from there to her torso, leaving her squealing as it swept towards her face. “H-hey! Wait!” 

As the change spread, her limbs collapsed, flattening as if crushed under a steamroller, and leaving only a smooth sheet of black in their place. It looked too glossy to be a sheet of fabric, and when Gold Ship sniffed, she scented something familiar, though she couldn’t quite place it. 

McQueen, meanwhile, continued to puff, her body growing plumper and plumper with every passing second. As her skin stretched, it cracked, crumbling into so many thousands of tiny grains, and she assumed a rounder and rounder shape, till it was hard to tell she’d even been a horsegirl. 

“H-hey! Hey!” Finally, the darkness reached Golshi’s head, and with one last gasp of panic, she cut out as it was flattened into the strip as well. 

Just like that, the two horsegirls were gone, replaced by a giant ball of steaming white rice and a long strip of nori. The former rolled onto the latter, which wrapped it tight, and with that, things seemed to be over. 

H-hey! cried Golshi. What happened to us?! 

This is all your fault! cried McQueen. I don’t know what you did, but– What’s that sound? 

A shadow loomed over them. “Onigiri…” A bead of saliva struck the ground with a splat.

Onigiri?! cried Golshi and McQueen in unison. 

The shadow grabbed them and picked them up, as if the two of them weighed nothing. Nearing her face, they moaned to see who it was.

Oguri Cap?! W-wait! Wait! Put us down! Don’t you dare! Don’t you–

“Ahhhhhhhh…” Chomp!