ROYAL REWARD: Best Served... Cold? (Food TF, Fate) (Patreon)

From the kitchen of Chaldea came the clatter of utensils. 

Marching through the corridors with a scowl, Louhi thrust her head into the room and scowled a little harder. Circe stood at the counter, grinning as she poured another bag of sugar into her bowl of pudding.

Louhi slammed the door behind her. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“I,” said Circe, planting her hand on her chest, “am making a delicious dessert for our Master to enjoy.” 

“Really. I’m surprised anyone here dares to eat your cooking.” 

Circe rolled her eyes. “I’m hardly going to turn my friends and allies into pigs, am I?” 

“I’m not talking about the poison.” 

Circe stiffened. “Why, you frosty little…”

Louhi folded her arms. “Whatever mess you’re planning to feed Master Ritsuka, hurry up and finish so it can be thrown in the trash where it belongs. I’m going to make him a dessert anyway, so he won’t have any room for your disgusting pudding.” 

“Oh, is that so?” Circe grit her teeth. “Well, in that case, why don’t we have a little competition?” 

“A competition?” 

“Mmn, that’s right. Nothing too complex: we simply bake the best desserts we can bake, and Master Ritsuka can decide which he prefers. Whoever loses can never cook for him again. Is that simple enough for you?” she added, squinting suspiciously.

Louhi’s expression remained flat. “Hmm. Perhaps it would be worth exposing Master to your cooking if it’s the last time he ever has to taste it. Fine.” 

She held her hand out, and Circe shook it. “Very well then. Let’s prove, once and for all, who the superior Eagle Witch is.” 

**

They had to share the kitchen, of course, which made things a little difficult. 

“Keep your stuff away from me!” “I’m using the blender!” “Stop trying to poison my ingredients, you whore!” 

Louhi had decided to make a delicious ice cream sundae. Specifically, by using her ice magic to freeze some of the ‘Bargheist’ milk she’d found in the freezer.

Circe, on the other hand, had busied herself preparing what she presumably believed was a scrumptious sponge cake. Seeing her mix it, Louhi felt a tiny shiver of doubt. Circe’s cooking might not be up to scratch, but what if Master Ritsuka preferred hot puddings to cold ones? If that were the case, her ice cream would be frozen out of the competition. 

Unable to focus, she found her spell slipping apart in her hands. What was she supposed to do now…? Could she change her dessert…? 

A new idea occurred to her. Rather than changing her dessert, she just had to make the best she could. The very best she could. A very special pudding made from a very special ingredient: to make ice cream you need milk, and where better to find it than the fat cow right beside her…?

*

Even as Louhi cursed her choice of the cold, Circe found herself thinking mirrored thoughts. What if Master didn’t like hot desserts? What if he chose Louhi’s disgusting ice cream out of hand? Then she’d never be able to cook for him again! What would she do with all the Penis Enhancement Potions she’d brewed?! 

Chewing her lip, Circe came up with an idea: why not kill two bird witches with one stone? She could make the best cake she could make and eliminate her competition in one go…

Chuckling to herself, she started to weave the spell. 

*

Shit! thought Louhi. She’s casting something! 

It was time! Raising the spell, she turned and took aim. “Take this, you–!” 

“–frigid old–!” Circe froze, a spell of her own in her hands, and for a second or two, they simply stared at each other. 

With a poing!, their spells exploded. 

“Nnn~! N-no!” As her own wild prana washed back over her, Louhi screamed, struggling to think of a counterspell. Circe squealed as well, squirming as ribbons of magical energy coiled around her form. 

Like meltwater, Louhi’s clothes ran from her body and pooled beneath her, forming a thick, fabric-y puddle not unlike molten ice cream. What also looked like ice cream was Louhi’s skin, which, exposed by the melting of her clothes, had started glistening. With a splat, something fell from her head and struck the floor – when she searched for the source, she realized it was her hair. A terrible chill spread through her, and it wasn’t just her fear.

On the other side of the kitchen, Circe squealed as her own body plumped up, rising like a sponge in the oven. In the process, she split, and cream poured from inside her, while her feathered cloak became a layer of colored icing. 

Louhi’s legs lost their strength, and with one last gasp, she collapsed in a pile of herself. Just as she thought she’d splatter herself all over the floor, her clothing rose again, hardening as it stretched, and congealed around her as a large, translucent–

S-sundae glass?! thought Louhi. N-no! No, wait–!

Together, the two of them shrank, growing smaller and smaller, though Circe retained far more of her size than the Berserker. Finally, with a pop, a large cherry appeared on Louhi’s head, and with that, the change came to an end. Louhi could only sit there and squirm in frustration. You bitch! This is all your fault! 

The door swung open, and who should step into the room than Master Ritsuka. “Oh?” he said, seeing them on the floor. “Who left these here?” Picking them up, he looked left and right, and with a shrug, carried them to the counter. “It would be a shame to throw them away…” He licked his lips. 

E-eh?! thought Louhi. W-wait! Master! Wait! You can’t–

“Mm-mmm~,” said Ritsuka, raising his spoon. “There’s nothing like eating a nice hot cake with cold ice cream.”