everything sucks and gets worse all the time (Patreon)

i have no local friends. i havent hung out with anyone in a year and before that it was 5 months. So in a year and 5 months I've hung out with people twice. i spend all my time at home except when i run which i dont do until its consistently warm out, so not since october. the last 4 weeks ive wanted to go out shopping just to go somewhere and just plain havent done it. i went last week? 2 weeks ago? I dont even remember. but it was too early in the day, the stores i wanted to go to were closed. one of them doesn't even exist anymore. i literally just went home. even if i went anywhere i wouldnt talk to anybody. i dont know how to meet people. i am going to go shopping tomorrow night. i will probably go to the same few stores as always and not buy anything or talk to anybody.

i want to run but it is too cold and windy to go regularly. i gained weight over winter and think it's more than normal. i lost a lot of weight a good few years ago and was skinny for the first time but it was too skinny. every single day i overthink what i eat. even when i was too skinny i still had a belly. i like bellies on other guys but it makes me feel bad on me and it just doesn't look right. its just constantly on my mind.

my apartment neighbor upstairs was so loud for a while that it got to a point where it had to be on purpose and she was retaliating and banged on my door, and despite successfully getting her moved to another unit, it has given me misophonia of sorts and im constantly upset by noise above and around me. i lived here for years without any problem until she moved in. i went years not even knowing if someone was above me, because there was no noise. then suddenly there was loud creaking like someone bending old boards in the same room with me. all the time. constantly. and in the middle of the night. i have headphones on all the time at home, ear plugs in at night with white noise, and an earbud in at work or when running so i basically only hear normal noise when im driving to and from work. im worried im damaging my sense of hearing, not my hearing itself, but just my ability to be comfortable in noise. i dont know if things like that related to autism can worsen over time but i legitimately feel like i have some sort of PTSD and misophonia from the noise. its better now but i think about it all the time. the guy who lives above me at least isnt moving around in the middle of the night.

i think im autistic to the point where i just tell people i am but diagnosis is hard and expensive and can be detrimental. i dont feel bad about assuming im autistic, but people want you to feel bad about it, so i do sort of feel bad about it, but not really, but i do. i have a running list in my head of things that i think are signs of autism and all-of-the-above is definitely part of it. but i will probably never get to know for sure. it's just too much work and too expensive. i don't go to the doctor. i dont have health insurance. i didnt get enough hours at work last year to qualify for the assisted cost one and it would've cost me a third of my paycheck each week so i just dont have it. i applied for medicaid. i didnt hear back. i just straight up haven't heard back. it's 4 months into the year and i didn't hear back, and i am not looking into it, because i dont like making phone calls, and i lost the info i had anyway. i didnt have health insurance last year either. last time i went to a doctor they asked me basic questions for 15 minutes and gave me no information on my problem at all but charged me 150 dollars and gave me a referral to get an ultrasound. the ultrasound was 400 dollars. it didn't find anything wrong. the doctor never asked me for a follow up and i never went back. it was a few years before that that i last went. before that, i think almost 10 years. if stuff is wrong with me i just don't know and i guess won't until it's too late. i guess i just have to hope people on the internet dont hate me so much a gofundme wouldnt work out for me.

everything is expensive and getting more expensive. i want to move to a top floor apartment. im afraid i wont be able to afford it. if I move, im afraid nowhere will let me move in because I dont make 3x the rent. but if i dont move to a top floor apartment this year im going to go crazy. i cant stand the noise above me.

nobody i ever manage to talk to on dating apps ever talks to me for more than a few days. i dont remember hte last time i had a date. i could do the math and figure out when, i know what movie we saw. i dont want to do the math and figure out when. i think a lot about how even if i did get into a relaitonship there's no guarantee it lasts and when it ends im back here again, unless i made a friend group by getting into it. i dont miss the friends i no longer have, they were abusive assholes. but i wish the friends i do have werent all sims people on discord or people who live 6 hours away.

my best friend moved away (the time before the two hang outs mentioned up above) and I told her to promise to keep talking to me and that we would still be friends. we became friends when she reached out to me after my old friend group left when i called them on being abusive. when she left i knew there wasn't gonna be anybody to do that for me again and I was right, there wasn't. even our one mutual friend never so much as attempted to talk to me after she left. and for some reason, and I dont like to think about it, she never really had me hang out with her and her other friends. so i didnt meet or befriend any of them.

it took a month or two for her to stop replying to me all the time and never intiaite conversation. i confronted her about it after a while. she promised to do better. she did not. we have not talked one-on-one in a long time and she does not participate in the discord with my 6-hour-away friends anymore.

i love my friends and we play overwatch or fortnite multiple times a week. but i dont have anyone around to do things with here, or outside the house. i dont know how to fix that.

i feel like if someone asked me if i was okay i would probably just cry, which i guess means im not, but. i dunno. im just lonely all the time and stuff is hard and im worried nothing will ever be any better ever again.

i dont feel good and everything made me mad today