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Nov. 6th. Only 22 days to go. (Patreon)

Published:
2016-11-06 23:51:12
Imported:
2026-06
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Content

First, thanks to everyone that donated.  You guys are incredible.  Just thank you.  Secondly, here's the end of chapter 3.  Flu is over.  Trying to catch up on lost time.

Comments

skyderpie

You can do it Somber!

Tetrakern

Actually, I wanted to start each feedback in another language. But then I remembered I only know two. Anyway, chapter 3. The first improvement I noticed is the flow. While the first two chapters seemed to consist of inhomogeneous parts forcefully glued together, this one works as a whole. The pacing is right, the dialogs natural, and there is just enough world building to fill the gaps between character interactions. I still would like to read more about the scenery and setting, as they are only touched occasionally. Such as the plumes from the factories, steampunk cybernetics (cool), or the granite slab instead of the glass roof. It’s enough to arouse interest and curiosity, but fails to satisfy. On the other hand, depending on how things develop in the next chapters, introducing elements without immediate explanation can work too. For residents of this world, steampunk cybernetics might not be something to think about in detail. So why should the narrator? I’m conflicted. Speaking of cybernetics, I really liked the part with the two soldiers wanting them to avoid the war. Maybe that could have been exploited some more, but less is more, or whatever. I think if you had written them just as chauvinistic assholes, I would have nagged about the whole scene. This protective behavior creates sympathy for them, even if they are assholes. One of the reasons I normally don’t read internet stories is that writers tend to ignore that minor characters are also persons, not only quest givers or obstacles. Well, that and because they suck. Same goes for the flower selling girl – she could easily have been an over-dramatized causality with no color beyond the splatter she left on the ground. Maybe Elissie reacted a bit too hard-boiled, though. I can also see what you meant with the traitor story of her father. Yeah, it is lacking creditability if one considers that he died. Worst traitor ever. Which is also a good argument against it, as mentioned by Ambre. I guess this will stay a sore thumb in the story. The idea is great, creating an external conflict Elissie has to cope with. Just doesn’t integrate that well. Nothing much to complain this time. Well, one additional thing, not so much about the story but writing in general. Something that bothers me in Homelands too. You keep mixing up narrative viewpoints. Take "Somehow that felt... disappointing" as Elissie’s internal reaction to Ambre’s statement of not being sent into danger. That paragraph described Ambre – and it should be exclusive to Ambre. Elissie’s thoughts and feelings should stay separate. As should narrative contexts, such as the conversation of the girls (ending with Kife making haste) and Purity’s goodbye to her servants. There is no transition, and I had to read it three times before I realized the narration broke away from the girls. You need a break to make that clear, such as Elissie eavesdropping. Otherwise, it gets hard to follow who is talking or what is happing to whom. Still enjoying the story, though, if I didn’t make myself clear. I’m not good with the whole compliments thing, but I can criticize all day long. However, I know how hard it is to write without feedback or staying motivated without an occasional compliment. Or any reaction at all. That is not because readers don’t want to. There are at least 44 other guys paying money to keep you going. But writing a critique is hard if you are on the reader’s side, and being constructive about it is even harder. The same goes for praising – most people can’t put into words why they like something. And just writing "I like it. Please continue!!!11!one" is beyond shallow. I also don’t think you are one of those writers that get motivated by comments that fit "My Immortal" (if you know what I mean). If you were, I wouldn’t even bother supporting you. Actually, "FE:PH" was the third "fanfiction" I ever read. The first was "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality" and "Fallout Equestria". I normally despise (fan)fictions (they are an endless source of amusement, though). What I mean is, if you managed to get my attention and support, you are doing well and I’m sure you will keep on improving. So yes, this was supposed to be motivational. PS: "Now all we need is a fumbling officer for you to awkwardly fall in love with, a heavily mustachioed fiancée, a bumbling manservant, and it’ll be a best-selling romance novel." – Still a better love story than Twilight.