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Little better (Patreon)

Published:
2016-11-11 07:01:16
Imported:
2026-06
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  • Cannon_Princess_4.docx
  • Cannon_Princess_5.docx

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Content

Well, yesterday was a wreck.  Today I'm slightly better than a wreck, so I got another 3000 words done.  I hope the story's good.

Comments

Tetrakern

Chapter 4, and the best so far. I was actually taking notes while reading again, but abandoned most of them since many points resolved themselves. There are still some left worth mentioning, before I get to the much more pleasing praising part. Prepare your ego. (1) Elissie’s Motivation. Protecting her brother is a strong motivation, no doubt about that, but her emotional relationship to him is explored in less than a chapter. She always tells us about it, but it is not shown that much except for one short scene in chapter 1. It was a good and strong scene, yeah, but only one. In this chapter, on the other, hand she is portrayed as a strong confident young woman, proud, standing up for her rights – it does not seem like she does this for her brother, but for herself and every other women oppressed by this male-dominated society. Which is of course perfectly fine and I like the direction this is going, drawing nice parallels to real historical events. I just don’t like that she always falls back to her brother as an excuse, as much as she might want to protect him. At least not if she clearly has another drive beyond that. She is not Katniss always whining about Prim. (2) The dead flower girl. She is mentioned multiple times, good, but I still think there should be more focus on the inflicted trauma of her sudden dead. It’s more like a footnote: "Oh, yeah, and they killed that little girl, too! Bastards! It was horrible! Now, let’s get lunch!" Of course, repression is a common reaction to horrible events. But for someone who never experienced the death of a fellow human before (at least as far as I know), Elissie is really composed. Not to mention the other girls who should have seen the corpse, too. That were may main complains this time. Well, that and what I mentioned in the last feedbacks. Anyway, what did I like? Everything. I might complain a lot, but I think this chapter and the story as such is really great. Rough, but great. It starts with the first sentence as opener, connecting with the end of the last chapter while simultaneously breaking away. Instead of an argument with the official getting nowhere, you skip right to the aftermath and problem solving. This might seem like a minuscule detail of no importance, but I think it really shows your skill as a writer. It’s the little things. Also, I think you are at your best when writing dialogs. They are well paced, natural, entertaining, and give a lot of details about the world without ending in an info-dumb. Maybe it was wrong of me to criticize your world building, maybe it is just as it should be. On the other hand, if you take your time to actually describe what happens around the girls, it is quite interesting. The posters (still seeing Fallout in it). The fanatic, providing insight in the industry and Purity’s backstory (and hair color). The wannabe-thief. The short dresses and Elissie’s aversion. The technological details, such as steam-powered cars and telephones with eavesdropping operators. And I totally did not see the enlisting of the princess coming, not even with the title and all. Looking forward to chapter 5. I hope my feedback helps.