Thanksgiving (Patreon)

This has been such a strange year. It was so weird to go from seeing friends, patrons, viewers, cute fursuits, cool dancers, and sleeping in a hotel room at TFF, to just...nothing. I often think about how differently I would have done everything at TFF if I knew it would have been my last con for a long time. But, I still did have a good time, and I’m at least thankful for that.

I’m not gonna lie, y’all, this year has been really hard on my mental health. The longer this goes on, the more I lose hope in it ever ending. I am constantly battling two types of thoughts in my head, optimism and pessimism. The optimist in me says that when cons start again, the world will be back to normal, everyone will be vaccinated, and l’ll get to see everyone again, and that’s exciting! The pessimist in me reminds me that there’s no cons happening for a long time, we have no idea when everyone will be vaccinated, when we will see our friends again, and if the world will ever return to normal. Lately, the pessimist is winning.

I constantly am feeling hopeless. What is the point of feeling excited for something we don’t know when or if it is even coming? Why look forward to the next con when we have no idea when that will even be? What is the point of looking forward to nothing? What is the point of being happy when there’s nothing making me happy anymore? What’s the point of being hopeful in the world returning to normal when it feels like that’s impossible now?

My struggles don’t just stem from the pandemic. I think COVID just helped escalate these feelings I would inevitably have to face. I never feel like I am able to do enough. And when I try, I feel like I’m focusing my energy in the wrong place. I don’t feel like I truly know what’s right and what’s wrong all the time anymore, and I’m constantly questioning everything I do, to the point where I just don’t do anything because l’m afraid of all outcomes. I don’t even know if I’ll post this. Maybe just writing it will feel therapeutic to me. But I also feel my patron supporters are the perfect people to be open with about my mental health, because y’all are always so supportive, which I am so so grateful for.

I hope everyone has a good Thanksgiving. I know a lot of people can’t be with their family and friends this year, or are having much smaller gatherings than their used to. But, it will be ok, eventually. I know a vaccine is coming. It’s hard to believe because of politicians who have been saying that since April...but it seems more promising now than ever. Once this is over, and I can see y’all again, and I can see all my friends again, y’all getting the tightest effing hugs ever lol.

What is something you are thankful for? I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had so far in my life. And I’m thankful for the people who support me, even when I make a mistake, but still hold me accountable for that mistake so I can learn from it and grow as a person. Let me know in the replies what you are thankful for.

I know this post is long, and redundant, but I just felt like being more open might help me improve. I’m trying to become the best version of myself possible. And that isn’t a journey I have to do alone. So, thanks for reading this.