CuppyClaus reads 'Twas The Night Before Call of Cthulhu (Patreon)

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Join the Patreon for our Call of Cthulhu podcast (http://www.patreon.com/aintslayed) to help us while you earn bonus content. 'Twas the night before Call of Cthulhu, the session was nil While the creatures were stirring, we rolled up our skills; Spot Hidden and Listen were given the most, In hopes that we’d notice the ghouls and the ghosts; We skimped on Accounting and Library Use, While the Keeper built puzzles for us to deduce; And you with your hatchet, and I with my gun, Should add some First Aid for prolonging the fun, When out on the lawn there arose a loud shriek, I sprang from the table to have a quick peek. Away from my group, my DEX was a fumble I fell through the window, a fifteen foot tumble. My body was crumpled on new-fallen snow “The session’s tomorrow, I thought you should know,” When, what to my widening eyes should appear, But a cyclopean sleigh, and eight shantak reindeer, Overflowing with corpses, a sack filled with dreck, I knew I had failed on my sanity check. More rapid than ghoul hounds, the terrors they came, And their driver was something I’d rather not name; "Now, DODGING! now, RUNNING! now, HIDE IN THAT BUSH! On, FIREARMS! on FIGHTING! You’re sure I can’t PUSH?! To the top of the porch! Inside, I withdraw! I spend all my LUCK points! Now dash away all!" Like wet clay that stretches, refusing to tear Tentacles burst through the wintery air, So up to the house-top the tendrils they flew, Its maws were all screaming, and me? I was too. And then, in a panic, I heard on the roof The pounding and clawing of each massive hoof. As I drew out my pistol, and trembled with fear, The ceiling caved in and the creature was here. It was covered in ichor, and arrived with a splat, The beast had just crushed my poor friends where they sat; Hundreds of pustules pushed forth from its skin, What is this Bout of Madness I’m in? Its eyes-- how they blackened! Its teeth were so scary! Its shape like a tree, and its smell curdled dairy! The jaws wrapped around my poor friend like a bow, I wanted to help but I thought I should go; The entrails that dangled held tight in its teeth, Encircled it’s maw like a hideous wreath; It had spawned a new head from its goo dripping belly, That shook when it chomped like a bowlful of jelly. It turned and I prayed that its appetite cloyed Then I saw past its teeth and stared into the void; The planets were glistening like ornament balls, I turned to confirm that this room had no walls; The world fell away like a sheet of veneer, I felt in my bones that salvation was near, Weightless, I drifted through fragments agleam, Boundless but bound to a terrible dream; I wound through a circuit of glittering gold, And the flutes beckoned me to the secrets of old. Then I heard him exclaim, as he came into sight, HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND THE STARS ARE NOW RIGHT! Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aint-slayed-nobody/id1494530079 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0EXHew2YjEPfS6KrtMQTqf?si=RZMEBLRBTv-UmGnDZUguSw Google Podcasts: https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9haW50c2xheWVkLmxpYnN5bi5jb20vcnNz RSS: https://aintslayed.libsyn.com/rss