[Modern Family] Ch: 41 [The Grid Lab & Penny] (Patreon)

[June 12, 2009] [Jason's House]

For once, Jason wasn't worried about running out of content for The Grid. Over the past few weeks, he'd streamed enough games, recorded enough extra footage, and edited enough videos that the channel could run for nearly two weeks without him touching it. Unless another interesting game popped up and demanded a launch-day stream. All in all, his gaming schedule was comfortably ahead.

That left him with a problem he actually enjoyed having.

He wanted something else to build.

For several days, he thought about starting a second channel focused on technology. Gaming was still his main interest, but he had always been fascinated by phones, consoles, computers, cameras, and anything else that could be opened with a screwdriver. Many reviews and unboxings were already available online. However, Jason wanted to take the format further by combining unboxing, real use, durability tests, teardown videos, and honest opinions. 

He eventually settled on a simple name for it: The Grid Lab.

The only problem was that enjoying technology didn't automatically make him qualified to tear apart a smartphone without turning it into expensive confetti, so Jason spent the previous week learning. Electronics books and repair manuals covered his dining table while he practiced on cheap second-hand phones, an old Nintendo DS, damaged controllers, a PSP, and a PlayStation 2 that worked whenever the moon was apparently positioned correctly.

Jason opened all of them and put them back together.

The first phone took nearly forty minutes because he constantly stopped to identify components and check cable routing. By the fourth, his hands moved with a confidence that felt ridiculous considering he'd barely done this before. Once he understood how something had been assembled, the layout seemed to stay inside his head almost perfectly.

Jason stared at one rebuilt phone and frowned thoughtfully. 'Either I'm way better at learning than I remember, or getting hit by lightning came with bonus features.'

He considered some adaptability or knowledge-absorption ability, then pushed the thought aside. If something supernatural was happening, he'd eventually figure it out.

Three new smartphones sat on the table: a Palm Pre, a Nokia N97, and an imported HTC Magic. The iPhone 3GS had already been announced and would arrive on June 19, so Apple could wait another week.

He picked up the white HTC Magic first.

"Alright, Cupcake. Time for your physical."

A few hours later, the dining area had become a makeshift recording studio. One camera hung above the table, another faced Jason, and two lights illuminated the white surface. He adjusted the HTC Magic, checked the framing, and started recording.

"Welcome to the very first episode of The Grid Lab. This is the show where I spend my hard-earned cash on questionable technology, so you don't have to," Jason began while holding up the box. "And if things go south? You get front-row seats to me voiding warranties in high definition. Everyone wins today, except my wallet."

He opened the box and lifted the phone into view.

"On the operating table today, we have the HTC Magic, the second Android phone ever made. The original G1 looked like someone glued a slider keyboard to a graphing calculator and gave it a massive underbite. Thankfully, HTC put the sequel on a strict diet."

Jason rotated it beneath the overhead camera. The Magic was slimmer and lighter than the G1 because the sliding physical keyboard had disappeared completely. Beneath the 3.2-inch touchscreen sat several hardware buttons and a small trackball.

"It weighs in at 119 grams, which means you're going to spend half the day panic-patting your pockets thinking you lost it. Also, we still have this tiny navigation pearl down here, and rolling it is weirdly satisfying. Somebody at HTC accidentally installed a fidget toy."

He powered it on and demonstrated Android 1.5 Cupcake, the notification system, browser, Google integration, landscape rotation, and virtual keyboard.

"The elephant in the room: the physical keyboard is gone. You are officially at the mercy of the touchscreen. Some of you BlackBerry loyalists are going to hate this, but the tradeoff is a phone that doesn't feel like a brick in your jeans."

Jason typed several messages and nodded. "The touchscreen responsiveness? Actually not terrible. That said, if you try to type a novel on this thing, you deserve a medal and a referral for carpal tunnel surgery."

He kept the specifications simple. "Under the hood: 3.2-inch capacitive display, a 528-megahertz processor, Wi-Fi, Bluetooth, GPS, microSD expansion, and-wait for it-a removable battery. Take notes, future viewers watching this in the archives. Cherish the removable battery while it lasts. Not that I'm a time traveler. Moving on."

Jason stared at the camera for half a second before continuing.

"Around back, we've got a 3.2-megapixel camera with autofocus. I'm going to politely describe the image quality by saying... your memories deserve direct sunlight."

He took several sample pictures and transferred them to the computer. Indoor images quickly became softer and noisier. "If your buddy commits a felony at night and this is the only camera you have to film it? Congratulations, you just created reasonable doubt in a court of law."

Then he pointed toward the bottom connection.

"And here's the kicker: no 3.5-millimeter headphone jack. HTC bundled charging, data, and audio into one proprietary port. Because why make listening to music easy when you can require a dongle? Let's hope that trend doesn't catch on."

After nearly forty minutes of normal use, Jason moved toward the durability portion.

"Before anyone gets too excited, I'm not throwing this off a balcony. We're testing everyday pocket abuse, not terminal velocity."

The glossy plastic body flexed slightly under pressure but remained solid. Jason rubbed a coin and then a key against a hidden section of the rear cover. Fine marks appeared beneath the lights.

"This glossy plastic back is going to collect battle scars if it shares a pocket with your keys. Glossy plastic ages about as well as milk in a sauna."

He gave the screen a gentler pocket-scratch test using coins and keys without digging aggressively into the surface. After wiping away fingerprints and checking beneath the lights, nothing dramatic appeared.

"The screen held up fine to keys and coins. I'm not taking a hunting knife to it, because normal people don't store loose knives in their pockets. And if you do, screen scratches are the least of your problems."

Jason tested the buttons and trackball, gave the phone several controlled squeezes, then dropped it from table height onto a folded towel and later onto carpet and hard floor from pocket height. The Magic survived without complaint.

"Verdict on durability? HTC Magic can take a punch. I still wouldn't practice juggling over concrete, but it survives the drop test."

Then came the teardown.

Jason powered the phone off, removed the rear cover, and lifted out the battery.

"Pop the hood. Battery dies? You just pull it out and swap it. Actual witchcraft."

He removed the SIM and microSD card, then brought out his Torx drivers. He loosened the housing screws, separated the shell, and carefully disconnected the internal cables.

The moment the main board became visible, his grin returned.

"And we're in. Outside, it's a sleek white pebble. Inside, it's a bunch of microchips playing high-stakes Tetris for rent money."

Jason pointed out the camera module, trackball assembly, main board, connectors, and display section while avoiding guesses about anything he hadn't researched properly.

"Ground rule for The Grid Lab: if I don't know what a specific ribbon cable does, I'm just going to tell you I don't know. I'm not going to invent a fake engineering term and hope you don't Google it. The internet has enough fake experts already."

Reassembly went considerably faster. Every connector seated properly, the screws returned to their places, and the rear cover clicked shut. Jason inserted the battery and pressed the power button.

The HTC logo appeared.

"And we have an HTC logo! Which means I officially get to pretend I'm a genius and knew what I was doing the entire time."

He tested the major functions before facing the main camera again.

"Final verdict... The HTC Magic is easily one of the most fascinating phones of the year. It's light, the touchscreen is surprisingly snappy, and ditching the keyboard was the right move. The camera is a potato, the headphone situation is annoying, and the glossy back is a scratch-magnet."

Jason turned the phone slowly between his fingers.

"The G1 was proof of concept. The Magic feels like Android finally figuring out what it wants to be when it grows up."

He smiled toward the camera.

"Next on the chopping block: the Palm Pre and the Nokia N97. And the iPhone 3GS drops next week. We're about to see if the future belongs to Android, Apple, webOS, or Symbian. Place your bets in the comments, folks, because somebody watching this in ten years is going to have a great laugh at our expense."

Jason reached toward the camera, then stopped for one final line.

"If you enjoyed watching me dismantle a perfectly good piece of technology for absolutely no medically justifiable reason, hit subscribe to The Grid Lab. Because this is just what I do with my weekends now. See you in the next one."

He ended the recording and looked down at the intact HTC Magic beneath the lights.

"Oh yeah. This is gonna be a dangerously fun channel," Jason murmured.

...

By the time Jason finished editing the footage, rendered the final video, uploaded it to the new channel, and filled in the title, description, and tags, the clock had already crossed four in the afternoon.

He leaned back in his chair and stretched both arms above his head, then cracked his fingers one after another. “Okay, that’s enough staring at screens for one day.”

Jason pushed himself up and walked toward the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a chilled bottle of non-alcoholic mint beer. The glass was cold enough to leave moisture against his fingers as he popped the cap and took a long drink.

"Oh yeah... Fuck those bitter shits..." He said, looking at the contents chart. "...Love you unhealthy 39% sugar." 

The minty taste was strangely refreshing and with his perfect body, he didn't even need to care how much sugar he consumed.

Bottle in hand, Jason headed toward the front door and stepped outside into the warm afternoon air. His small front garden looked healthy overall, though several bushes near the walkway had begun growing unevenly while a few branches stretched farther than the rest.

Jason stopped beside the path and tilted his head while studying them.

“This could use a little trim,” he murmured before taking another drink. “Maybe tomorrow...”

His phone suddenly began ringing inside his pocket.

Jason reached down, pulled it out, and looked at the screen.

The name immediately caught his attention.

Penny.

Jason’s eyebrows rose slightly as a smile slowly appeared across his face.

“Well, hello there.”

He lifted the phone and answered the call. "Hey, Penny. Been a while. I was starting to think you changed your number and fled to a non-extradition country."

Penny’s laugh came through immediately. "I considered it. But the Wi-Fi in Cabo is terrible. Plus, I missed your annoying voice."

Jason wandered farther into the front yard and stopped beside one of the overgrown bushes. "I've been told it's an acquired taste."

"Clearly,” Penny replied. There was a short pause before her voice softened slightly. “So... are you busy right now, or are you in the middle of editing another video of yourself screaming at a screen?"

Jason glanced back toward the house. “I just finished editing a video, so I’m officially free. What’s up?”

Penny remained quiet for a couple of seconds, which immediately made him more attentive.

"I've been thinking about our... situation," she finally said. “You know, the part where you casually dropped that you're dating two sisters, which somehow only barely secured the silver medal for the craziest thing to happen to me that day."

Jason smiled faintly. “I’m assuming the million-dollar lottery ticket still holds first place.”

"Oh, it's wearing the gold medal,” Penny replied. “Although finding out the handsome guy I’d just spent an entire day with already had two girlfriends was definitely fighting for silver.”

Jason leaned one shoulder against the porch railing. “That’s fair.”

Penny took a breath before continuing. “Anyway, I’ve had more than a month to think about it, and I still think the whole arrangement sounds completely insane.”

Jason chuckled quietly. “That’s also fair.”

“But I haven’t stopped thinking about you,” Penny admitted. “Which is really annoying, by the way. I was really banking on my brain deciding you were way too much drama and moving on."

Jason’s smile grew. "So my undeniable charm survived the vetting process?"

“Don’t get cocky because I’m still reviewing,” Penny warned, although he could hear the smile in her voice. “I meant what I said before. If I’m even considering another date, I want to meet Haley and Alex first.”

Jason straightened slightly. “You’re ready to do that?”

“I think so,” Penny replied. “I need to hear it from them, face-to-face. Not just your highly sanitized, overconfident version of events. I need to look them in the eye and make sure nobody is secretly miserable and planning a murder."

Jason nodded even though she couldn’t see him. "That's completely reasonable. Good thing I already told them about you."

Penny went quiet.

"Wait, you did?"

“Couple weeks ago,” Jason said. “I sat both of them down together and explained everything.”

Penny sounded suddenly more interested. “Everything everything?”

Jason looked toward the sky while considering that dangerous question. "Comic store, the date, the Slurpees, the winning lottery ticket, the 50/50 split, the dinner, the 'I have two girlfriends' bomb, right down to the little cheek kiss when I dropped you off."

Penny groaned. "You told them about the cheek kiss?!"

Jason laughed. "Haley zeroed in on that detail immediately. She felt it was crucial to the narrative."

"Great. I already like her less."

"You haven't even met her yet."

"I'm holding a grudge in advance. It saves time."

Jason smiled as he took another drink. "For what it's worth, neither of them vetoed it. They actually want to meet you, too."

Penny hesitated. "Really? They do?"

"Yeah. Alex wants to run a background check to ensure you're not a Pasadena grifter, and Haley wants to cross-examine me about this whole 'magical lips' situation."

There were a few seconds of complete silence.

Then Penny started laughing.

“Oh my God. She actually used the word 'magical' too?"

“Technically, that was me first,” Jason admitted. “Haley reached the conclusion on her own, which honestly made the whole conversation ten times more awkward."

Penny laughed harder. "Okay, I think I like her again."

Jason looked down at the bottle in his hand and smiled. "So... when do you want to face the firing squad?"

Penny’s voice became thoughtful. "How about tomorrow evening? Somewhere completely neutral. That way nobody feels trapped in someone else's living room."

Jason nodded. "Smart. Very tactical."

"And somewhere with a fully stocked bar,” Penny added immediately. “Because I’m meeting two women who are already dating the guy I’m considering dating. I feel like civilization invented alcohol specifically for situations like this. And yeah, I know... I'll be the one doing the drinking. They can have fruit juice.”

Jason laughed. “I’ll figure something out.”

“Good,” Penny replied before hesitating again. “And Jason?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m still not promising anything,” she said. “I am willing to show up, talk, and see if I want to run for the hills afterward. That's it."

Jason’s expression softened. "That's all I'm asking for."

Penny released a quiet breath. "Okay. Text me the coordinates once you clear it with the committee."

"Will do."

"And please, tell me we aren't buying scratch-offs this time."

Jason smiled as he looked across the overgrown garden. “Absolutely no promises.”

“Jason.”

“I’m kidding.”

“You better be,” Penny replied, laughing again. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Jason lowered his bottle slightly. “See you tomorrow, Penny.”

"Oh no. It will be a girls' talk. So... Only Haley and Alex."

"Okay. Fair enough."

"Talk to you later..."

"Later..."

The call ended.

Jason looked at the screen for several seconds before slowly slipping the phone back into his pocket. Then he stared toward the bushes in front of him.

The garden suddenly seemed considerably less important.

“Alright,” he murmured as he turned toward the house. “Time to tell the girlfriends that the potential girlfriend wants an interview.”

He took another drink from the mint beer while walking toward the door.

“Yeah, there’s absolutely no way that sentence could come back to haunt me.”