Burning Memories (Audio Only) (Patreon)

Burning Memory

Content warning for anyone who might not be able to handle distorted or reverberated sounds. This is kinda creepy... Been hyperfixating on “Everywhere at the End of Time” and the song “Heartache” by Al Bowlly. So I wanted try messing with some effects and cover the sampled song. And then slowly degrade it 💀💀💀 SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.app.goo.gl/sCiv8cfsMhtmAZfz7 CW// Alzheimer’s, Death, Nursing Homes, Cancer . . . . . . . On that note I’ve probably fallen into fixating on this specific art piece because it kinda forced me to confront some unresolved memories centered around my grandmother. She suffered from Alzheimer’s and we had to watch her decay for around 9 years. When she was first showing symptoms it was mostly her forgetting the names of some objects and not being able to form new memories about them. I have this one memory of me attempting to train her to learn some letters using flip note... it didn’t work. Gradually it kept getting worse to the point where she didn’t remember how to count money and almost over spent money on build-a-bear toys for me and my sister at a mall. It wasn’t helped by the fact that my step grandfather was a very secretive person who was dying from cancer (he knew he had it) and told no one. So when he passed away, he set up my grandmother to be put in a retirement home and told them that she had no family left to care for her. So by the time we found her we couldn’t get her out without like—- suing or something. I wish I remembered the specifics but it was al grownup business. Essentially we weren’t allowed to. We didn’t have the resources to take care of her either so our parents chose to just stick with visiting her until something hopefully changed. But she very clearly hated it. She was miserable. She’d be so happy to see us but when we’d leave she try and plea that we take her with her. I remember the first few times she started packing her things and it was so hard to tell her we couldn’t bring her with us. she had made several attempts to escape until her will was shattered and she would just sit there listless. every time we saw her she looked worse. She let herself bake in the sun. The last time I saw her was when we had a long spell of not getting to see her. And we expedited visiting because she had stopped eating and drinking on her own and was put in the hospital. It was already difficult trying to be there for my grandma as she slowly slipped, but that day we visited her... she looked like a living corpse. Skin sunkin, expressionless and looking to the ceiling, not responding to a n y t h I n g we said. Except when my parents suggested I put my hand on Hers. Then she reacted. She looked at me and she started subtlety crying. We’re pretty sure she might’ve briefly recognized me as my dad when he was younger. I didn’t know that was gonna be the last time I saw her but it was. It truly bothers me that she didn’t get to spend her last moments with family, that she had to experience all of that alone in a nursing home with strangers she was gradually losing the ability to understand. And we couldn’t do anything for her. When I was younger I remember thinking “when I’m older and I’m making money I’m gonna try and get the funds to get her out.” Not realizing that what she had was essentially terminal. She didn’t deserve the suffer the way she did. Nursing homes suck.