The Marshmallow Ranch Gazette (Patreon)

Howdy, patrons!

Thanks to all of you for bearing with me through my depressive spell. It was a strange one, where I could feel the anti-depressants doing their job mood-wise but all of the other symptoms slip through. I couldn't focus. I couldn't motivate myself to push past the deep desire to be an object at rest. Doing basic things -- like getting up and taking a shower -- took much more effort than usual. While things are getting more comfortable at the day job, the constant interaction, the demand to put on a "face" of positivity, turned out to be a lot more draining. At the end of the day, all I wanted to do was just smoke a lot of pot and stare at moving images. 

For me, depression is a reality that I just have to live with the way some people learn to live with a limp or a gluten allergy. I know it's a problem with my brain regulating its mix of chemicals for proper functioning, the same way a limb doesn't heal quite right or your body gets a little over-aggressive about certain sugars. And just the way the pain in your leg flares up when the weather changes or (maybe?) inhaling flour can leave you with an unpleasant (but not deadly) reaction, external factors can throw you into a bit of a tail-spin when you least expect it. When that happens, there's not a whole lot you can do except slow down and tend to your body.

The one-two punch of the Kavanaugh confirmation and the UN's report on climate change was the body blow I didn't see coming. It is seriously depressing that a majority of the country can shout at the top of its lungs for two weeks straight and all it takes is two people to do the right thing, and...it doesn't happen. If we can't even get our elected leaders to follow the will of the people and keep a sexual abuser off of the Supreme Court, how can we ever expect them to take the drastic and necessary steps to stave off the potentially-apocalyptic effects of climate change?

It's felt like a grieving period for a future that has now died. At the risk of being a serious bummer, there's simply no way to reasonably expect our politicians and business leaders to dismantle the system that's given them so much power and construct a more sustainable one for the health of our planet and the future of the human race. From my perspective, the game is over. We've lost. Even if the Blue Wave washes away the GOP majorities in Congress this year, we're still looking at two years of partisan gridlock, impeachment proceedings, senatorial investigations and the like. Once the next Presidential election arrives in 2020, we'll have just ten short years to revamp our society away from fossil fuels, invest in clean energy, and figure out how to deal with the serious consequences of a still-warming planet. It's a daunting task, and I have no doubt the human race is simply not up for it.

So I struggled with a nihilistic voice inside of me that told me to just stop caring, enjoy myself as much as I can when I can, and die well when the time comes. But that's not the kind of person I want to be. It might be rearranging the chairs on the Titanic, but I want to be the kind of person who keeps trying to make the world around him better even as it's burning. At least then, I can go knowing I've done everything I could to make the passing of our civilization...easier. If I can do that, I'll have lived a good life. 

I'm still grieving. I'm not sure how I'll be able to bear what I fear is coming, but I'm resolved to. I'm stronger than I know, and maybe we as a species are too. Maybe we can still surprise ourselves.

For now, I've taken this fear and sadness and anger, and hopefully channeled it towards making sure I'm doing the things that matter to me. Rest is important; sometimes you just have to stop and let yourself recharge. But I'm also pushing myself to keep working, keep striving, keep improving. That's what life is, and I'm going to keep doing it while I'm still living.

Crushing The Competition #6 will be out tomorrow! Sorry for the break between installments; I'll do my best to keep that from happening too often through the rest of the year. See you then, folks!

-Jakebe