The Marshmallow Ranch Gazette (Patreon)

Volume 4, Issue 19 -- Wednesday, October 16th, 2019

Howdy, patrons!

I still haven't been able to write yet, and I'm beginning to think that I might need to lay "Crushing The Competition" down for right now. As much as I love the idea of writing serials, I also realize that I should probably have plotted this one out a bit more than I have. We're 20 episodes deep and it doesn't feel like anything's catching the way it should -- but that's also on me, right? How long has it taken me to write these episodes, and how many have I actually been able to publish on a weekly basis?

Right now I'm torn between two impulses. One, I want to step in like a new showrunner on a promising but failing TV series -- honoring what's come before, but sharpening up characters, dropping dead-weight plotlines, and establishing clear stakes and a sense of momentum that propels the story forward. I like this idea; it feels like salvaging a success from a failure, learning how to correct my mistakes while also making the best of a story as it is. But two, I'm wondering if I should add this to "THE CULT OF MAXIMUS" and "Boundaries" as failed attempts at serial fiction that hasn't gotten off the ground and needs to be retooled in order to work.

The second impulse is so depressing I'm not sure I can bring myself to do it. I haven't yet, because I really don't want to quit a third serial before it's been completed. At the same time, it would be nice to work on something else for a while. The issue I have with this writer's block isn't because of "Crushing The Competition" directly, to be honest. It's more not trusting my own voice -- or being frustrated that I really don't have anything that feels worth saying.

But the whole point of this endeavor is it's supposed to be fun. I meant to write the kind of stories I've always wanted to see without worrying too much about making it "good". As long as I was having a good time with the work, then hopefully that feeling would carry through and readers would be into it as well. The weekly release schedule would encourage a consistent writing practice, making it less likely I'd be stuck behind blocks like this for weeks and months on end. But it hasn't really turned out that way.

I'm pretty sure I've talked myself into treating this as a troubled series in need of rehabilitation. I had been hoping to use the quarterly mixer as a chance for a 'soft reset', and there's no time like the present to do that. I know roughly how I want the quarterly mixer and the raffle to go, but a lot of the joy in writing is in the discovery -- trying out new characters and different relationships, seeing what sparks or what provides interesting complications. When I think about the characters I've planned to introduce, it's easier to get excited about writing. Still, it's quite hard to do.

At the day job, we've hired a contractor to handle the biggest account we've got at the moment in the enterprise sector. Since I'm the only one with any knowledge about the position, it falls to me to train them. It's a lot sooner than I had been expecting, but I've tried to make the work as easy and non-threatening as possible. The contractor is a good kid, fresh out of college, and I really hope I'm not screwing up their expectations for how jobs are supposed to go. Then again, this is...a very unusual environment. We're all just winging it, and the institutional efficiency you'd expect of a Silicon Valley company just isn't there. I really love the vibe, but I could understand how it would be...intimidating for someone fresh out of college.

This week has been a lot more hectic than I had anticipated, so there's been almost no time for personal projects so far this week. I'm planning to spend this evening catching up on a few things, treating myself as kindly as possible as I work on various projects. I'm still in a mild depression, and I know better than to push myself too hard.

I've also been researching "climate despair", a term that I stumbled across while looking for articles and essays on the end of civilization. It feels like a real thing that an increasing number of people are dealing with, and that makes me strangely hopeful. I realize that my depression and anxiety makes me more susceptible to that kind of thing, but knowing that there are others struggling to keep going when the future seems so bleak means that I'm not being completely unreasonable. And, hopefully, there are ways of handling this despair that pulls me out of it. Or, at least, makes it a little easier to push through. 

I think this is where the benefits of mindfulness meditation really begin to manifest themselves. If you're present and accepting of whatever's occurring at this moment, remembering that this moment is an impermanent illusion immediately flowing into the next, you can sort of...deal with the most difficult emotions that can feel overwhelming. And for the most part, it works! It's just hard to be mindful all of the time. Sometimes, you just want to...I don't know, not be mindless. But fall into a rhythm that you don't have to swim against all the time. And that's where I feel I am, right now.

Anywho, all I can do is my best, so I'll keep on doing it! In addition to trying to get this week's episode out, I have to dream up a Pathfinder session to run on Saturday. Oofda, so tired. XD

-Jakebe