Fucking Day: Freckles and his Incel Friends (Patreon)

In 1948 every comic book company wanted a piece of the Archie IP. Horny nerds were in, and thus the Archie knockoffs were born, Freddy, Howie, Dudley, Binky, Cookie, Scooter, Buzzy, Wilbur, but surprisingly not Freckles and His Friends. Looking at the red-haired Freckles, you would think surely this is an Archie knockoff, but Freckles and his Friends existed in some form before Archie made his first appearance in the 1941 comic Boner Dorks #9, or whatever. They may have tweaked his friends some later to make them more Archie adjacent, but the original Freckles was a good, wholesome, new IP, with a witch stabbing a girl as they took pictures.

The promise of a murder on the cover drew me in. I was hoping this would be Archie with more sex and violence, so basically, Riverdale, the most perfect television show ever created. Sadly, the most compelling story in Freckles And His Friends wasn't about any of the Riverdale rip-off characters. It was about Freckles' incel best friend, Lard. That is his legal name. It is on his birth certificate; every adult in this comic addresses him as Lard. This particular section of the comic is devoted to Lard's search for love. Would you like to hear how Lard pounds his way to victory?

He pounds his way to victory pound for pound, because love makes miracles.

Our story begins with a boy named Lard hanging out in his basement with his best friend Freckles and lamenting that he can't get a date when suddenly a woman walks by. Lard is absolutely positive this is fate, for some reason. He wished for a woman and one walked by his creepy hangout basement for the first time ever. His loneliness has brought him feet! Feet! Look! Feet!

Lard then goes full CSI, takes a mold of the woman's footprint, and obsesses over how tiny her feet are. Repeatedly calling this teenager Lard feels so terrible to me. I truly wish he had any other name, but I can't stress enough how he does not. Lardy Lard Lard is his full first, middle, and last name. Maybe his Grandfather invented Lard. Let’s say that’s it. Anyway, a stranger's feet have given him purpose.

Lard takes the tiny, small footprint to the local shoe store, where the shoe monger marvels at this woman's freakishly tiny feet. He sells Lard his only pair of tiny baby shoes so that he can do a Cinderella competition on all the local woman. Unfortunately, Lard is arrested because you can't advertise a competition without a prize, and in 1948 "Lard's dick" wasn't an acceptable prize because reality dating shows weren't invented yet. Luckily for Lard, the policeman confiscated the shoes, and his daughter discovered they fit her perfectly! Problem solved, right? Story over. She even likes Lard! Yay!

So we're done! She was a "tiny footed gal" who walked past a basement window and he was a "cute fat boy" getting an official warning against foot pervert stalking. The end. Obviously not, you fool, because Lard finds this woman hideous. Her name is Hilda Grubble, and she wears glasses; frankly, how dare she? The comic reveals Lard's pain. This is the funny part! Enjoy Lard's tears, everyone. Clap for his suffering, oh, and the ugly girl's too!

"It's only the beginning," the comic promises as it rubs its little hands together in joyful anticipation. Lard is stuck dating Hilda because her father is a policeman who has already arrested Lard for foot stuff once. He goes around complaining to Freckles about how he would rather die than enjoy having a girlfriend, and Freckles just stares at him with those cold pupil-less eyes. Everyone in this comic except Freckles has pupils, and it is so menacing. He’s definitely possessed by something.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty on board with Lard's suffering now. It is kind of funny, but Freckle's girlfriend, June, steps in to ruin all of my joy by giving Hilda a makeover. She takes off Hilda's glasses and gives her a haircut, and she is now as gorgeous as her tiny little footprint would indicate. Lard pursues her without realizing she is Hilda, and Hilda gets mad at him for cheating on her with her. This should be the end of the story. A little parable for Lard about being nice to unattractive women because, who knows, they might just be wearing glasses!

Yet, we continue. Lard and Hilda appear to be hanging out still, and it's going badly. Hilda won't agree to see Lard exclusively, and I have no idea why! Maybe he should have taken her to the movie about the witch stabbing from the cover instead of this Cuck Gable nonsense.

Lard decides that Hilda won't date him because he is too fat. It couldn't have anything to do with his terrible personality or poor choices. Obviously, the way to handle this is to go to Hilda's house in the middle of the night and scream into the darkness at her about it, like Romeo and Juliet, except Romeo has some complaints.

We never see a panel where Hilda confirms she won't date him because he's fat. This is fully Lard's own assumption. He then makes a plan to lose weight, which is first to join the track team. Fine. Normal. The second part of his plan, however, is to secretly funnel his allowance into anonymous eclair donations to Hilda. I thought this was a plan to purposely make Hilda fat so they can be fat and in love together, which is kind of messed up, but also, maybe kind of sweet? Either that or this comic has completely shattered my moral compass in like ten panels?

Anyway, I'm sure you can see where this is going because Freckles And His Friends are definitely in hell, and Freckles is the pupilless demon that tortures them. Hilda enjoys the free eclairs so much that people start to make little comments to Lard about how something is now "wrong" with Hilda. I'm sure you're probably asking yourself…

Lard ignores the ominous warnings of everyone around him and continues on his fitness journey. Lard is in love with Hilda, you see, and nothing will prevent him from winning her heart. It's adorable. I'm sure this will end well for everyone.

Hilda has a little brother named Hector, who's basically what happens when Dennis The Menace graduates to felonies. He's introduced to the comic by literally exploding from the ceiling for no reason. It's not a set-up gag; he just enters every room like his biological father is the Kool-Aid Man.

As Hilda suddenly disappears from the story, Hector starts coming around to deliver cryptic messages to Lard about how fat his sister has gotten. Lard, who is probably intimately familiar with fat jokes, gets none of these hints. He cannot solve the puzzle of why anonymously buying his crush unlimited eclairs has caused some sort of unspecified change in her.

Eventually, Lard manages to lose weight and even wins a medal in track. The issue is, you're never going to believe this, Hilda has now gained some weight. They didn't even draw her absurdly fat, she's gained eight pounds and the comic wants you to know that is an absolutely unacceptable amount. They give Hector a whole panel to look directly at the reader and say this pretty minimal weight increase is hideous. “Oh yeah, My sister is no longer deserving of love! Laugh and clap for her silly little suffering!” He says.

The comic ends with Lard seeing Hilda for the first time since she has gained weight, and he has lost it, so we don't officially know what his reaction is, but I'm going to assume it's not great! The creator of Freckles And His Friends was not known for his delicacy. He was known for creating characters like, "Lard", and "this guy who definitely isn't Jughead, but, unrelated, what the fuck does Jughead's hat look like?"

As far as Archie knock offs go, this one sucked. First, I felt bad for Lard, and then I was conditioned to love his suffering. I entered the Freckles And His Friends world and returned a slightly worse person. Thank you, Golden Age Comics.

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