Nerding Day: The Green Team (Patreon)

For one golden year, from 1975 to 1976, DC comics ran an anthology series called 1st Special Issue. It was a pretty cool idea for a series. Each issue would be the first appearance of a new character or team, and if it went over well enough, they could be spun into their own comic. This gave them the space to try some genuinely insane characters they never would have been able to experiment with otherwise. I mean, wild shit like:

At some point, Joe Simon, co-creator of Captain America, arguably a master at his craft, came to the editors of 1st Special Issue with his pitch. "Four Richie Richies," he said. "A superhero team where they don't really rescue anyone or solve any problems. They only try to solve their own problem, which is that they are bored." It was no Lady Cop, but they gave him an issue.

The comic opens with a full page short story about the late P.T. Green, a man from humble beginnings who made it rich. Growing up around gangs made him realize that rich people should have their own gang. Think of it, a gang of rich people using their money and power to influence society! P.T. Green dreamed of creating the Illuminati. Sadly, most rich people were too lame to do cool gang shit with P.T. Green, so he decided to try Teen Illuminati instead.

Let's introduce our teen…heroes? I guess they're more like investors? Teen private equity group. First, we meet Abdul Smith, an industrious young boy with a shoe shine business who wants to join any club. Sadly, he happens to choose the one club with a million-dollar entrance fee. At first he is rejected for being a poor, but a mistake at the bank and a good investment make Abdul a millionaire. He uses that money to immediately invest in some terrible friends.

Next up it's The Commodore, a child shipping tycoon with a toy boat that shoots real missiles. In his introduction, he uses his tiny missiles to blow up a town and build an airport in its place so that his good friend, oil magnate J.P. Houston, can fly in for a visit. The child millionaires are now an armed paramilitary organization.

For his grand entrance, J.P. Houston skips the airport that The Commodore made for him entirely and parachutes in. From the private jet, his father wonders why J.P. doesn't want to play with his oil wells. Kids these days are all about joining forces to secretly overthrow the government instead of good old-fashioned oil mining.

Finally, we're introduced to Cecil Sunbeam, the Starmaker. Cecil is the only member of the Green Team other than Abdul who actually sort of has a job. We meet him while he's directing a movie financed by his parents' film studio. By directing, I mean, he shows up for ten minutes wearing a cape, beats up some actors, and then fucks right off to lunch with the Green Team. The nepo baby fail-son squad is now fully assembled.

What's on the dream team agenda today? They're hearing from inventors about possible "adventures" they could invest in. Adventures like colonization! That's not a bit. The Muppet Baby colonizers rejected the idea of colonizing the North Pole because the inventor wanted to make buildings out of potatoes. If it had been a better plan, this issue absolutely would have been about a cabal of evil children building an ice lair with elf slaves they bought from Santa.

At this point, the stakes in the comic are, at best, will these millionaire children find something to invest in? And at worst, these evil millionaire children will find something to invest in. I'm riveted. The next investor finally has something that piques the Green Team's interest. He walks into a room of pre-teen boys and pitches them The Great American Pleasure Machine. What could this possibly be other than a robot that sucks you off? Am I the only person who went immediately to robot that sucks you off? "GRRRR CLANG CLANG" it might say as the sun rose on a more beautiful tomorrow. Weird first issue topic, but ok.

The Green Team, which I expected would at least be philanthropists, is just sad children with money. Why do they even need a club for this? They have special matching jumpsuits. They're just kids who want a kickass toy. Go to FAO Schwartz and buy the floor piano from Big, you weirdos. Pay Robert Loggia to play it in your ice palace, you idiots.

The evil children do not want the floor piano from Big, though. They want The Great American Pleasure Machine, which, as it is explained in the comic, is a machine that gives you pleasure. If you have further questions, don't.

Shockingly, there are a few people who object to children building a pleasure machine in their backyard and they decide to come after The Green Team with, oh no, a peaceful protest. Boo! Protesters suck. I'm sorry, I think The Green Team might have gotten to me. The head of the protestors is a Broadway producer named David D. Meritt, who is concerned that the great American pleasure machine will put all other media out of business, including movies, plays, sports, and comic books.

First of all, the idea that this one machine would be so dope that everyone would stop enjoying all other media and travel to the single location of the machine and stand in line until it is available is wild. If that's the case, the machine is definitely evil. Also, in the crowd during this protest, the artist specifically drew Superman, Batman, and Spiderman. Half and Justice League and an Avenger are at the protest. That can't be good! Is Superman the enemy of The Green Team? I guess melt them with your laser eyes, Superman? How is a million dollars going to protect those nerds from that?

The crowd of protesters grows restless and starts to threaten The Green Team. Are the superheroes there meant to protect them? I don't think so; they're gone after that one weird panel, and The Green Team escapes by getting in a car and leaving. The protestors follow them to The Green Room, their meeting place/private penthouse, and surround it. There, they take a meeting with David D. Merritt, who reveals he's a greedy union man with no real morals. He just wants a payout from The Green Team! To recap: rich people rule, protesters are evil, Ronald Reagan wrote this comic.

The Green Team is forced to hunker down in their penthouse surrounded by the protesters until their pleasure machine is completed. When they get word that it's done, they decide to make a harrowing escape via helicopter, but the protestors have decided to hijack their helicopter so that David D. Merrit can get there first and steal their well-deserved inaugural ride on the pleasure machine. What will the Green Team do? They throw money at the problem, literally.

The stupid protesters land their helicopter for a mere million-dollar payout, FOOLS. The Green Team used their super waste money powers instead of violence to solve their problems. Let that be a lesson to you children. The lesson is you should be rich.

By the time The Green Team reaches their pleasure machine, David D. Merritt is already getting thoroughly pleasured. He bolts the door of the machine behind him so The Green Team is forced to watch on a closed-circuit TV as David D. Merritt goes on a five-day trip through Pleasure Land, which is a psychedelic world full of blonde women.

How dare a middle-class man enjoy himself on a millionaire's dime. If you're hoping this creep gets what's coming to him, you are in luck! This man enjoys himself so much that he breaks the machine. Five days of pleasure drove him to madness. That'll teach you to disagree with our bourgeoisie overlords! I'm so sorry; I don't know where that came from.

That's the end of the comic. Four millionaire kids drove a man insane with pleasure. Then, they decide to blow up the pleasure machine and sail around in the hole left at the construction site.

If you're thinking, "The kids jerked a man off until he lost his mind? I can see why this one never got picked up for a full series run," then guess what? It did, you proletariat scum! I meant that one. Two unpublished issues were eventually put out in the Canceled Comic Cavalcade in 1978. They featured The Green Team facing giant lobsters, the Russian navy, and a villain called The Paperhanger, who created a wallpaper that grew plants and trees. I'm unclear how that was a threat, but apparently, The Paperhanger was also drawn to look like Hitler?

That's not all! In 2013, DC looked at this property and said, "This was pretty good, actually. I liked it when that guy died of pleasure." So they rebooted it for a full eight-issue run. The child millionaires were upgraded to teen trillionaires, and they diversified the cast, even adding a lady teen billionaire! She's still no Lady Cop, but I'll take it.

You know what I always say about Batman, Ironman, Green Arrow, and Professor X… too many super abilities. What if they were regular rich people? And what if instead of battling evil they were just down to clown? This is what superhero comics could have been if it weren’t for the DC implosion and also the fact that it is stupid and I hate it.

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