Hot Dog Appreciation Day: JJ Roast (Patreon)

It’s been three months since our last Hot Dog Appreciation Day. In that time, you noble meats have birthed wonders: You’ve had killer punchlines and garbage revelations, you’ve gone the extra mile in supporting the site, fallen in love, had babies and named them after us. Probably. Three months is a long time.

You know when you come back from vacation, and all the work you missed just piled up on your desk so high that the mere sight of it is overwhelming? So you go and tuck it under your sweater to smuggle it out to the incinerator, figuring that if anybody asks you about the weird lump in your belly you’ll tell them you got pregnant on vacation and don’t know who the father is, or if it’s even human…

…

And then you’ll stare at them wide-eyed until they leave, allowing you to peacefully dump your obligations into the flames. And if, afterward, anyone mentions some task you missed you can just pretend you never heard about it before and trust that the truly important stuff will make itself known and the trivial stuff will remain ashes, letting the cruel whims of fate write your to-do list?

Yeah, this is that, but for Hot Dog jokes.

Instead of trying to catch up on everything, let’s just revisit Election Day. While other communities were descending into panicked chaos at the unraveling of American democracy, our cultivated meats had higher priorities. Namely taking quisling West Virginia Governor and coal baron failson, Jim Justice, hooking him up to a hot dog shaped truck, and dragging him through the streets until he’s a paste.

You don’t have to read all of this. You might get sick of it. It’s fine if you skim it. What I want from you is just to appreciate the scope of what was accomplished here. Start scrolling, and mark each time you think “holy shit, is it still going?”

Welcome to the Great Annual Hot Dog Drag of Jim Justice!

And there you have it.

Hundreds of savage burns later, we end the Three Hour Hot Dog Roast of Jim Justice.

…

And begin the Twelve Hour Hot Dog Roast of Jim Justice!

Instead of doomscrolling a profound national tragedy, you all chose the high road. You chose spite. Which is the Hot Dog version of a high road (so you can throw stuff down at the low road).

The truly incredible part? This marks the end of the laser-focused roast of Jim Justice, but there were aftershocks all throughout the next week. If you, too, think that’s a weirdly beautiful example of community, then you belong with us. The good news is if you’re reading this, you already have access. Just link your Patreon account to Discord like this, and you could be one of the thousands of piranhas who devour our next cow.

You have venom in your heart. Let us milk it!