Learning Day: Staying Awake To The World Around You (Patreon)

There are two things I love– the powerful emotional ballads of America's greatest singer, Michael Bolton, and the 1994 Toro riding lawn mower. There might have been a time when this wasn't the case, but I can no longer remember it. That time is dead to me. I am a new woman with an immaculate yard in her heart where there only used to be cold dead cynicism.

Imagine it’s 1994 and you’ve been asked to produce a video that gets two crucial pieces of information across to the general public:

1: The modern world is full of so much wonder and beauty that people don't take enough time to stop and really experience. How long has it been since you gazed at the intricate beauty of a flower? When was the last time you stopped and appreciated how fun it is to play fetch with your dog? There are so many tiny miracles we experience every day, and we sail right through them without ever feeling the intense joy life can bring when you're looking for it.

2: Sometimes riding lawn mowers kill people.

Each of these messages is equally important and both can save you from being crushed to death by a riding lawn mower which sounds like a pretty terrible way to go. There are actually way more ways that a riding lawn mower can kill or injure you than I realized. Around 75-100 people per year die in riding lawn mower accidents and I can't stress enough it is entirely their fault. The riding lawn mower is an instrument of peace. Look at this beautiful being. Would it ever willingly hurt you?

I mean the lawn mower, of course. The guy riding it looks like a fucking serial killer. He's probably planning one of the many lawn mower related crimes I learned to avoid. How did I learn to prevent lawn mower accidents and appreciate life, you ask?

I watched Driving In The Safety Zone Operator Training, a mostly unremarkable safety training video except for this real banger of a music video that you can watch in its entirety here. It's three minutes long, and yet it's got a cast of fifteen people and nine lawn mower attachments. The people are underplaying everything, and the lawnmower attachments are hamming it up.

The video opens on a beautiful woman with a '90s working women's bowl cut. Despite the fact that she has the haircut of a Victorian ghost boy, she looks like Rob Schneider playing a 7-year-old, we all want to be her because the moment she appears on her Toro riding mower, a male voice with the perfect combo of warble and rasps bursts out, "There you are, look at you!"

"Always wear appropriate protective clothing, long pants, sensible shoes," a soothing female voice whispers as the camera gently caresses this woman's plaid-drenched body, sweeping from her Jonathan Taylor Thomas-inspired haircut to her tan work boots.

The way the song's narrative cuts back and forth from sexy rock songs to sensible safety tips is a little jarring. It sort of sounds like the woman is shoving the man out of the way to sensually whisper safety tips at you.

"Doing everything you do." The singing man I will call Michael Bolton (Affordable) for the rest of this article breaks back in. I love it. It's so non-specific. What is it he likes about you? General. It's all of it. The whole package. The safety glasses, the high-waisted blue jeans, the way you never smile on your riding lawn mower because riding a mower is serious business. Michael Bolton (Affordable) doesn't need you to be anything special. He just needs you to pay attention when you mow the lawn. His love is attainable. He's horny for mowing the lawn safely, and this video is going to teach you how to make him so horny.

"Knowing how to see it through" is the next lyric Michael Bolton Light sings as a man in a Canadian tuxedo and serial killer glasses glides by. What are we seeing through? Mowing the lawn safely, I guess? Or maybe, again, it's generally the everyday troubles of life. Writing a love song vague enough to plausibly be about a lawn mower is a real accomplishment.

"Never operate this vehicle while taking drugs, medication, or alcohol, never," the woman's voice interrupts. Ok, so she's a narc. I can't even process this piece of advice. I don't think I've ever seen someone use a riding mower sober unless they were thirteen years old, which is apparently also not allowed? I can be drunk, or I can be thirteen; pick one, Narc. This part of the song is kind of a bummer, but don't worry, it picks back up.

"Staying awake to the world around you. Staying alert to the life you shaaare!" yearns our discount Michael Bolton. Who am I sharing my life with? Is it the lawn mower? We've hit the chorus, which is what makes this song a certified banger. "Every move with your eyes." We've gone so long without lawnmower advice that I've fully lost myself in the beautiful music and visuals at this point. Here are the visuals.

We can't get too lost in the majesty of life, though. Remember, this is about lawn mower safety. They really start to meld the two purposes of this video seamlessly now as we hear Michael Bolton (Affordable) sing "The parade passing by" and watch an old man not hit a passing minivan with his lawn mower. Why? He was appreciating the beauty of the minivan. He looks kind of forlorn. Maybe because he's riding a lawnmower sober (still lame).

"Like a light in the sky. Staying awake to the world around you." We've moved on to more of a cozy fall theme now, as the safety voice reminds us to always use our machine and attachments in well-lit conditions. You might be wondering if I'm going to run out of somber screenshots of people mowing for this article and the answer is no. This isn't even every single person shown soberly mowing. If this safety video were on IMDB, it would have a larger cast than an Oscar-winning musical. The characters would all be named stuff like Melancholy Mowing Man (uncredited), Woman Contemplating Death on Lawn Mower (uncredited), Bald Man Mowing in a Way That Frightens You Somehow (as Sexx Stephens).

"Staying awake to the world around you. Staying alert to the life we share." Michael Bolton (Affordable) is now gently guiding us into the portion of the music video with jaunty illustrations of the many ways a lawn mower can mangle you. It's hard to translate getting your fingers chopped off by a lawn mower blade into sleek, bloodless, corporate dialogue, but Toro does it.

Over the top of these, honestly, pretty hilarious graphics, we get the monologue which constitutes the thesis of the video. Yes, I will be performing this for all my future auditions. "Every year in this country, simple human negligence, not faulty machine design, not bad luck, simple human negligence causes thousands of incidents of bodily injury, and it's a curious fact that all these injuries could be avoided through a state of being called operator awareness. Being constantly aware of your physical self while on or around the machine. Being aware of the machine itself as well as its various attachments, and finally, being vigilantly aware of the world around you as you operate the machine." Aaaaand scene.

Lawnmowers have done nothing wrong. If you get mangled by a lawnmower, keep that in mind. Let's get back to being appreciated by Michael Bolton (Affordable). "There you are, look at you. Don't you make a most amazing sight?" Is he talking to me or the lawn mower? We'll never know. "Doing everything you do. Always taking time to do it right. Knowing how to see it through, look at you, bright as any light. Staying awake to the world around you. Staying alert to the life you share." A life we share with innocent lawnmowers that will chop your enormous dong off through absolutely no fault of their own.

The end of the video instructs you to pass it along if you happen to sell the lawn mower to someone in the future so they, too, understand that lawn mowers can do no wrong. Can you imagine receiving this perfect relic as a gift? I would buy a hundred lawn mowers to get to jam out to "Staying Awake To The World Around You" every day. It's a musical blanket NDA for a home appliance. It's a love song to everything and everyone, but especially to the concept of not suing Toro lawn mowers for something you did, you stupid piece of shit who lives in an incomprehensibly magnificent universe.

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