Nerding Day: Armored MMA (Patreon)

Do you remember the good old days when knights used to go at each other with swords to entertain a bloodthirsty crowd? By the good old days, I mean specifically June 7th, 2025, at The Center For Performance at Hall Of Fame Village, 1901 Champions Gateway, in Canton, OH. That was the most recent location you could watch AMMA or Armored MMA. It's exactly what you're picturing, MMA made significantly worse by clunky armor that makes it difficult to move, let alone fight.

Armored MMA is so funny for so many reasons, the first being that they chose the acronym AMMA to represent themselves, but if you Google that, you'll first encounter an Indian Hindu spiritual leader famous for hugging people…

… and then an effortless cover for breastfeeding.

I would have gone with Knight MMA because KMMA appears to be more available, but apparently, they got attached to the name before anybody did any Googling.

Also, I'm no MMA expert, but I've been to a few fights, and I know flexibility is a pretty important part of MMA. They're always kicking each other in the head, which is radical. It's pretty hard to kick someone in the head when there's a bunch of useless metal strapped to your frail human body just dragging you down. Instead of "float like a butterfly, sting like a bee," this sport is more, "clang clang clang like a uh oh his helmet slipped, he's completely blind. Try flailing. Flail more! Flail more!"

You might be thinking, but Lydia, these dudes have big swords. Surely there must be some cool stuff going on there, right? Everybody loves a little stabbing with a big sword, which is true! However, you're not allowed to murder someone in public, even at the Canton, Ohio Center For Performance. If the performance involves impaling your opponent, you're going to get arrested. So, mainly what they do with the swords is gently pat each other with the flat end or ram the pommel into someone's side.

It's actually kind of sweet how gentle they are. It makes me wonder if the swords are fragile? I feel like this sport might be safer than competitive pillow fighting. The knights are getting punched in the head a lot, but it's safely covered by a helmet at least, and the occasional gentle caress with a sword isn't damaging anyone. The physical contact with another human being might actually be a net positive for these men. This sport could be how we solve the male loneliness epidemic! It's ok for men to hug as long as there's a suit of armor between them and they are technically trying to kill each other.

I shouldn't unfairly roast this sport without giving you a breakdown of the mechanics. I watched the 2024 Armored MMA Championships. This is the best of the best that Medieval Times has to offer, going head to head slowly and clumsily.

It's important to note that the winner of the 2024 Armored MMA Championships will not receive a championship belt. They get a sick crown instead. It's got leather and spikes. In a sport that's really all about hats, it's certainly the best hat, and everyone is willing to fight for the best hat.

Who sponsors the Amma? I bet you can guess. Yes, it's crypto and swords. The Amma has spawned many small businesses to create the needed armor for competition. It's a big win for the art of blacksmithing. A sports combat sword can cost around five hundred dollars, and the lowest price for a full suit of armor is around a thousand dollars, but that's basically the Ford Pinto of suits of armor. A good, custom-made suit of armor you can proudly take a sword swatting with on television could cost up to twenty grand.

So, to start off our event, we've got two men who have spent potentially several thousand dollars on armor that's about to get hella dented, entering a ring they've probably been told not to damage. The fighters are introduced with all of the usual fanfare, flashing lights, smoke machines, some twirling, and a little skipping, which surprised me, but I'm glad everyone is excited for sword time.

Then we get some basic stats on our fighters, including hometown, height, weight, experience, and age. I think they should tell us how much they paid for their armor, how many Renaissance fairs they've attended dressed in their full suit of armor, and whether or not they think they could beat a grizzly bear in a hand-to-hand battle. These way more important statistics would allow me to better gauge who I think will win.

Looking at these stats, you would probably bet against the slightly shorter, less experienced, and older man, but he actually wins the fight. I suspect Antonio Penedo didn't have the best support team. Between rounds, a woman tried to figure out how to give him water without removing his helmet and tried pouring it into his eyehole. Meanwhile, not only did Adam Harrigan's helmet have a sufficient water access hole, but someone on his pit crew brought a big dramatic fan to help cool him down between rounds. Poor Antonio simply cooked like a baked potato in that big metal suit under TV lighting.

Adam Harrigan is crowned the Super Welter Weight Championship winner and asked to make a speech. He said he came from 20 years of "other sword fighting," which made me wonder how many types of sword fighting are still practiced today. Are people just sword fighting at strip malls on the weekend? When the American economy crumbles, will there be nothing but vape shops and sword fighting academies left? He also mentioned that he tried to crush his opponent's spirit, and everyone cheered. Armored MMA fans are also big fans of spirit crushing, which makes perfect sense.

The second fight of the evening is the Light Heavyweight Championship featuring Taylor Jones and Andrezej Studencki. Taylor Jones is one of the sport's most popular fighters, and Andrezej ends up playing sort of a heel. There's some booing when he walks out, even though it's impossible to tell who is actually under that helmet. This sport is just begging to experience some wacky sitcom hijinks.

That man has got to be mostly blind. I'm sure this will go great. We will point the metal Frankenstein with the dull blade in the correct direction and hope he doesn't stab too much. Andrezej does manage to survive the fight without getting stabbed, but he also loses to Taylor by judges' decision, mainly because Taylor is really good at pushing him into walls and giving delicate little kicks that are apparently worth a lot of points.

The ref has to tell them it's time to stop fighting by tapping them with a big stick. I'm not sure if this is a sword safety precaution or because the helmets are hard to hear through, either way, separating them by poking is pretty fun to watch. It might be my favorite part of the entire match. I root for the stick.

When Taylor wins, he's also asked to make a speech and is equally as unprepared as Adam was, but probably because he has a concussion. One of his eyes is swollen, and when the announcer asks him, "What's next?" I kind of hoped he would say a trip to the hospital.

Well, now that we've seen a man with a serious head injury, I guess it's time to end the article. You would think MMA, but slower and with cool hats would be something I really enjoy, but I could not get on board with this. If we're going to do Medieval fighting pits, we should ditch the fancy cage and do it in the mud in front of our feudal lord as nature intended.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: John Minkoff, the master blacksmith raking in all the dough from these fights. Dance for your puppet master, dance!

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