Learning Day: The Extended McDonaldland Universe (Patreon)

McDonald's is sort of like a parasite found in America that we've allowed to infect other countries due to our hubris. It's everywhere, and that means McDonaldland is everywhere. I've spoken about McDonald's perverse advertising creation before. A world built on a stolen IP that resulted in a million-dollar lawsuit has somehow lasted far longer than the original idea it was ripped off of. McDonaldland makes no sense, and yet, someone has to take it to foreign countries and explain it so that they can make their own interpretations, and those interpretations are…not always great.

That is from a series of McDonald's commercials created in Pakistan that clearly lost some things in translation. First of all, the McDonald's gang travels by UFO, which feels spiritually correct but is not established McDonald's canon. Also, they have made long-armed Grimace, and now that you've seen him, I'm sad to report he has also seen you. You should run.

I have to say the comment sections disagree with the translation of this commercial. The song playing in the commercial is at least partially sung in English. They didn't translate any of the names, so Grimace is still Grimace. But instead of "heartless butt on Grimace," I'm told the actual translation is "Grimace does the twist." The plot of the commercial is that the McDonaldland gang has dropped from the sky to have a dance competition, which results in a four-way tie, so…buy McDonald's, I guess?"

Imagine this was your first exposure to the characters in McDonaldland. You don't open with Grimace! Grimace is a hard intro. Grimace looks like a sex toy trying to adapt to life on land. He looks like a gummy bear's idea of Satan. Most countries don't throw Grimace at you right away. They start you off with Ronald and some tiny, non-threatening hamburger people. This is pretty rough all around, though. It's not just the bad CGI that makes the characters look like newborn babies attempting to hold up a wobbly head instead of dancing. Their version of Ronald McDonald is a sad man with hands larger than his head, eating a chicken sandwich that is also larger than his head. Internationally, the worst Ronald.

They don't always change the look of the McDonald's cast. In fact, they reskin a lot of American McDonald's commercials with local languages, or even sometimes just local accents. Australian Ronald McDonald is twenty percent more handsome for some reason.

This Rugged Ronnie McDonnie seems to be outdoors more than the American clown. He also appears to have the power to construct a McDonald's anywhere, including on the moon, which is a pretty cool superpower. Still, there's something in my body that sort of revolts when he starts talking. He says, "Crikey, I'm Ronahld McDonahld." My brain says nu uh that's a STRANGER! It could just be my built-in clown danger instincts finally starting to kick in.

There are plenty of countries that have introduced the whole McDonaldland gang, and the formula for it seems to be that they just show up all at the same time, much like in Pakistan. A lot of times, they explain them even less. At least the Pakistan McDonald's marketing team decided to attach names to all of these monsters. In some countries, they just show you Grimace and expect you to take him at face value. HOW. We're used to seeing him in America, and we still have so many questions. Like is he the ghost of a boy who choked on fruit snacks?

Imagine being the American tasked with going to other countries and explaining McDonaldland. McDonald's has a marketing policy book called "The Golden Arches Code". In the past, it's included things like Ronald McDonald cannot be seen visiting a nightclub or lounge, he doesn't smoke, and no one should ever call him Ronnie. Whoops, I've broken the golden arches code. Officer Big Mac will be here for me any second.

There are other constants of the McDonaldland universe that aren't as explicitly stated, but nevertheless seem to be cross-cultural. I'm talking, of course, about the Hamburglar being kind of sexy. Check out this cleaned-up K-Pop-inspired Hamburglar from Japan.

Bonus anime Hamburglar and Grimace included in gif! When they needed someone to do a fun little dance with Grimace of the Grimace shake, McDonald's was like, take the Hamburglar, he's the hot one. It's established American canon, and Japan just had to accept that, probably with no follow-up questions allowed.

McDonald's should be damn thankful that they lasted long enough in Japan to make it to the K-Pop Hamburglar era. Their earlier attempts at advertising in the country included Officer Big Mac housing Big Macs in front of a child. I never wanted to know how Officer Big Mac's mouth opened, and now that I've seen that big floppy piece of cheese masticating, it's seared into the do not enter portion of my mind. Watching a burger man eat a burger somehow created an enduring legacy for McDonald's? There are around 3,000 McDonald's franchises in Japan today. People loved to watch the Big Mac man eat Big Macs.

There is one country that took the concept of McDonaldland and improved it. If McDonald's Brazilian commercials have no fans, then I am dead. Ronald lives in this dope, magical forest and kidnaps children there. It's fine, it's fine. Ronald always abducts children and brings them to McDonaldland. It's just that McDonaldland is usually a quaint little small town, and now it's just straight up the woods. Which I know sounds bad, but it's more of a fairytale vibe. It puts children getting kidnapped by a clown in a way more positive light. In recent years children getting kidnapped by a clown has gotten a really bad reputation. If people saw these commercials, I think they would fix that.

The reason I'm so ok with Ronnie beckoning this child to follow him into the woods is very simple. He's in a band. What, it's a great band? In the forest where Ronald lives with his fellow band members, he has a full upright piano that he plays. The other instruments are an interesting mix of things. Hamburglar is on the clarinet, The Professor plays trombone, Captain Crook rocks the base, poor Birdie just gets some maracas, Officer Big Mac plays drums, and Grimace has a banjo for some reason. It looks like someone Googled instruments question mark and handed out the top six from the AI summary.

These Brazilian commercials were really long, up to a minute and thirty seconds of Ronald and friends, mostly straight up jamming. There's one where Ronald wakes up in a bed in the middle of the woods, finds that he is surrounded by the members of his band, then jumps on a big trampoline. I don't know what it means, but it makes me want a quarter pounder with cheese. I watched a compilation of fifty-eight foreign McDonald's ads for this commercial, and these were a real bright spot in a lot of repeats and terrifying burger cannibalism. In retrospect, that might be why I was so chill with the kidnapping earlier.

All France had to offer me was an extreme close-up of Ronald McDonald's face surrounded by tiny cookie versions of his face, which has again triggered my sense of clown danger. Brazilian Ronald would never hurt you; he's too busy playing piano and enjoying nature. French Ronald McDonald has plans. I don't know what they are, but I know they're not good.

Overall, the game of McDonald's mascot telephone has served them pretty well cross-culturally. The Golden Arches code has been upheld. Ronald is always a little menacing, Grimace is a mysterious blob. Does he actually taste like blueberry? We'll never know until it's far too late. The Hamburglar is the pretty one, and everyone else was laid off in the '90s. No matter what country you travel to, there will always be a menacing clown man there to greet you!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: James Boyd, the model used for figuring out how Officer Big Mac would officially eat.

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