Nerding Day: Doom Endgame🌭 (Patreon)

In 1993, I was a casual video game player just like any child of divorce with almost no memory of his parents before age 6, which makes sense because there’s no way I could have known them when they were that young. But DOOM made me realize video games didn’t HAVE to be the esoteric shit diaries of a madman, like Blaster Master or that cursed Ninja Turtles game. They could also be the RAD shit diaries of madmen, and DOOM nestled snugly into that space in my brain alongside Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter II. The problem with shit diaries is that they’re very difficult to read after the first hour or so. But more importantly, they attract flies. And sometimes those flies are horny science fiction authors. When will I release this metaphor? Never. We’ll die in each other’s arms.

If you recall, DOOM is a game about the Tasmanian Devil tearing a hole through space to punish the forces of hell for stealing the second half of his name. He’s only technically a “space marine” because he wears boots and doesn’t use his teeth until he runs out of bullets. So, you can imagine my surprise when I sat down to read four entire DOOM novels worth of his adventures only to be greeted by a Call of Duty FAQ written by the youth minister with the most dangerous POG collection. The demons aren’t even demons - they’re aliens PRETENDING to be demons. The authors felt DOOM would be way cooler if it were a story about aliens who attacked earth because they’re scared of how much we believe in heaven.

Three people other than me have highlighted this passage! Probably not for comedy articles! The series was written by Dafydd ab Hugh and Brad Lineweaver, two maniacs who refuse to stop pissing on your doorbell until they’ve shared their love of Jesus with you, but it’s a trick. They’re not going to stop. The books were published in the mid-nineties and are still available to read and purchase, although I encourage you to never do those things. I’ve already done both for you – twice, in the case of the first three books. See, I’d read Knee-Deep in the Dead, Hell on Earth, and Infernal Sky back in the '90s, but 13-year-old Tom gave up the ghost after that, because the ghost was alarmingly horny and wouldn’t shut up about the goddamn bible. So, in writing this article, I read DOOM: Endgame for the first time, and I’m glad it happened this way, because it is the most despicable book I have ever read. It might be the worst book ever written. If I’d read it as a teenager, I would have given up language. I might have given up sight itself. I genuinely believe reading it aloud will summon a dark spirit into your home to steal all of your panties. All of them. More than one school shooter has been buried with a copy. The Necronomicon wears DOOM: Endgame’s hand-me-downs, is what I’m saying. To read it is to unleash The Horny Dead. And NOBODY wants to see that movie.

I’ve already written about the first three installments, so if you’re jumping in here, that’s weird. You’re doing it wrong. But to recap, the books follow Flynn “Fly” Taggart, a strong, tough, and cool space marine who is so fucking square you could balance a glass on him. It would be a glass of apple juice, because he is so fucking square. He saw a bikini lady on television once and told his mom to ground him. He all but covers his mouth when he says a bad word. We get a glimpse of his terrifying origin in a flashback, during which a young Fly spies on a drive-in porno and fractures his boner so hard it gives him nightmares for 26 years:

He's the galaxy’s biggest badass, which is made evident by how often he screams, throws up, and is afraid:

But Fly’s primary characteristic is his self-loathing lust for his best buddy Arlene:

They hug each other to sleep, but have no sex. So, Fly fucks the ground instead, while staring up Arlene’s asshole like a periscope:

Fly isn’t afraid to grab that ass when he has to, because as his buddy, Arlene is basically his property:

A weaker person might subject Arlene to constant sexual harassment. Luckily, Fly’s faith is too strong for such temptations:

You’re right, guys. Doomguy IS way cooler if he’s a puritanical sex creep trying to convince us he friend-zoned himself. Let’s continue!

Va-va-voom! I don’t know who Midge Garradon is, but if she’s anything like Jayne Mansfield, she was in a shitty movie that gave the authors 14 sexual awakenings. Anyway, here’s Fly pretending he doesn’t get a crippling zipper-pinch every time he sniffs Arlene’s boobs:

Now, some of you are probably wondering how many times Fly has watched Arlene piss. Well, the answer is PLENTY. But don’t worry! It frightens and confuses him every time:

Fly could totally fuck Arlene if he WANTED to! He’s just too much of a GENTLEMEN. Instead, they sleep innocently next to each other while Fly burns a psychic hole through his cock:

Dude, she’d probably give it to me, it’s FINE.

Even the aliens want Arlene and Fly to fuck, but he can take that ass or leave it, because the authors think a platonic friendship means you have a pet woman:

See? She’s already had sex in front of him and an entire group of her friends and coworkers! Like platonic friends do! That’s not TOTALLY INSANE, nothing more to see there! He CERTAINLY hasn’t recreated that event at home with his G.I. Joes!

Fly is so off-the-rails horny that he can’t risk any DUDES getting in the way, because the collateral damage would make him GAY. And he’s definitely NOT GAY:

After spending three books bragging about how he and Arlene can constantly rub up naked against each other like greased-up hogs and its totally FINE they don’t even THINK about fuckin’, Fly would rather die than touch another human man for any reason lest they accidentally collapse into gay sex before either of them has a chance to react. The authors overcorrect so hard in their homophobia that Fly has less self-control around naked dudes than he does his hot titty pet. Speaking of Arlene! When he isn’t recklessly whipping mind boners around like Professor X with his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner, Fly is FURIOUS with Arlene, mostly for being a woman within his field of vision:

The authors genuinely think they are the first human beings to wonder what women do when there aren’t any hygiene products available. Check-MATE, broads! Also, this doesn’t affect the plot in any way and never comes up again. They just wanted to remind you what a stinkin’ CHICK Arlene is. Now I know what you’re thinking – there’s no way this square-ass Doomguy fucks. He’s NEVER fucked. He’s never even SEEN a naked woman before, outside of his captive FriendPet. But that’s where you’re wrong. He TOTALLY had a girlfriend back in high school, but she got an ABORTION because WOMEN BE SHOPPING:

We can tell this relationship was particularly traumatic for him, because he waited until the fourth book to mention it. Talk about an Endgame! Also, this is the second abortion in the series, which, again, is supposed to be about DOOM. But as much as the authors CLEARLY hate women, Fly would never DREAM of killing one, so DON’T WORRY, it’s totally not an issue AT ALL:

Occasionally Fly fights monsters, and every so often, one of those monsters is a creature from the computer game DOOM. But most of the time, he’s quizzing the reader on Mormonism and fringe right-wing propaganda like he's driving us to hockey practice because Dad drank too much on his day off. At the end of the last book, the aliens had mostly been defeated on Earth, so Fly and Arlene decide to take the fight to the alien home world to smash them once and for all. Tragically, the length of their trip means they would never see their friends again. But mostly it means that Fly will never again see Jill, a fourteen-year-old computer hacker whomst he REALLY wanted to fuck. Don’t worry! He’ll get his wish!

Speaking of objectification! When Arlene’s not being ogled, she’s serving as the authors’ Weird Science computer genie, regurgitating every one of their interests and opinions and confirming everything they believe about women, which is really only two things – “Women are stupid. Why won’t they sex me?” They pair her up with Albert, a bone-chilling weirdo who shows up in the second book to neg Arlene with Mormon scripture until she finally agrees to marry him. I wish any part of that sentence was a joke, but I also wish the DOOM novels had been written by guys who didn’t masturbate in view of so many pictures of Jesus. Here’s Arlene reminiscing about all the starlit evenings she spent debating her bro:

Don’t you DARE tell Albert it’s called “faith” specifically because it can’t be empirically proven! Not unless you’ve got the evidence to back it up, pal! You can tell their love is real, because it’s the fourth emotion Arlene feels for Albert, two spots below exasperation. This is the first thing the authors have told me about her that I believe.

When Fly and Arlene reach the alien home world, they find out it’s already been destroyed … by Earthlings! Dirty socialist Earthlings, who turned the planet into a utopia free of wealth and labor in their absence. This is a Planet of the Apes ending, as far as Fly is concerned.

What’s worse, the dirty socialists disgracefully intermarried until nothing of the white race remained. No, I’m serious. The book makes a point of emphasising that none of the socialists are white, and they’re all impossibly stupid.

“But from when?! If he’s from the far future, that means I’m not racist, it’s just science fiction! Those are the rules!” Later, Fly thinks a Black man with straight blonde hair is the most absurd thing in the world, and the authors expect us to laugh too, because they assume we hate race-mixing as much as they do:

The ship’s captain, Tokughavita, knows karate because he is part Japanese. But it’s not a racial stereotype, because Fly respects it:

In America, “dink” most commonly means “dual-income, no kids,” basically a term for wealthy rubes, or couples with disposable cash. For example, you can hear some of the locals talking about the “summer dinks” in Jaws. However, it is EXTREMELY RACIST in other parts of the world, specifically when used to refer to southeast Asian people, which is exactly how the authors of DOOM: Endgame chose to use it:

The authors spiral further into racism until Fly is calling Tokughavita “Tofu” and has befriended a straight-up minstrel pilot named Blinky:

All that “jolly good!” stuff is just “thank you, come again” for British racists!

No, really, the authors are definitely aware of it!

Also, the future socialists may all be mongrel dummies, but the Asian lady is still good at math:

At one point, Fly proudly compares humanity’s resistance to the einsatzgruppen, which is an obscure name for the triggermen of the SS, meaning the Nazis who carried out all the murders:

The Nazis have now been mentioned in all four DOOM books! They appear more in this series than the BFG-9000! That’s weird! I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything! Anyway, those socialist dummies can’t even get uniforms right, because they’re not caucasian enough:

They’re also just SO GAY, you guys:

But despite whiteness being eradicated, everyone speaks Western English:

The Dirty Socialists become terror-stricken at the slightest noise, because two centuries of Woke has made them panicky, knee-knocking idiots:

For some reason, Fly insists this extreme fear of death is the result of socialism’s foul corruption:

Necrophobia is NOT the irrational fear of dying at any moment!

On several occasions, Fly tries to convince us that the socialists can’t understand the concept of being an individual person, but are also so individualistic they can’t conceive of doing anything without direct personal gain. In other words, the authors meant to dump on socialism and all its evils, but accidentally spend the entire book raging against libertarianism, because they are not curious men:

At one point Fly comes dangerously close to realizing that a world free of wealth and labor might actually be a good thing, if only it weren’t inherently evil for some contradictory set of reasons he struggles to articulate.

You’re right, Fly! It doesn’t wash! He also has a weird grievance with the socialists’ command hierarchy, because how can you know FREEDOM unless you have a clearly defined caste of subordinates?

But at the end of the day, is a united socialist Earth even worth saving?

Thankfully, Fly and the socialists can find common ground, on Arlene’s tits.

But plot twist! It turns out that socialism turned Earth into such a bunch of godless heathens that it was conquered by a microscopic race of different aliens, who have been piloting the socialists like Venom symbiotes ever since.

Here’s Fly executing a dirty socialist alien before it can poison Arlene’s ears with its silver tongue:

The symbiotes copy Fly and Arlene’s immortal souls into a computer simulation that is very obviously just the DOOM computer game, but Fly is able to break free by converting all the socialists to Mormonism.

Boy, that Fly sure is the Bomb! May he kill us all with a pure heart, in Doomguy’s name we pray.

Meanwhile, Fly’s digital soul is trapped in a computer game like Matthew McConaughy in Serenity. But Digital Fly fights his way free of the simulation by – you guessed it! – converting the demons to Mormonism.

Even the demons are horny! And honestly, good for them.

Digital Fly and his Bible Camp recruits meet up with Digital Arlene. The two of them conquer the simulation - which, again, is just the computer game DOOM - convert the rest of the demons, and rebuild the simulation world in their own image. In Doomguy’s name we pray.

That last line is an obtuse reference to Brave New World, by way of Shakespeare’s The Tempest. The very excellent movie Demolition Man is based on it, sort of. But the problem with a lot of dystopian satire, Demolition Man and Brave New World included, is that it ends up equating socialism with an attempt to legislate morality rather than addressing genuine issues with socialism in practice. And Demolition Man comes to the same conclusion as these DOOM books – a socialist utopia would be bad, actually, because it’d be all weak and stuff. Too many pussies. Not enough Stallones. And Dafydd ab Hugh and Brad Lineweaver are laboring under the delusion that they are Stallones. You can almost see the steam coming out of their ears as they try to reconcile Mormon Cobra into existence. MOBRA. Meanwhile, back in the real world, the supple flesh-and-bone Fly and Arlene return to Earth to vaccinate the planet against socialism with their faith. They cruise into Salt Lake City and nearly collide with the Mormon Tabernacle, which is basically their Camelot, only now it’s over a mile tall and topped with a giant fist. The Mormon church has somehow not only survived but triumphed, despite the authors repeatedly telling us that Socialist Earth’s utter lack of faith led to it being conquered by alien symbiotes. Fly calls it a Tower of Babel like that’s a good thing, because the authors are fucking stupid:

There’s an entire city inside the Tabernacle encrusted in every jewel and diamond imaginable, but wealth has been eliminated so it’s NOT A BIG DEAL, it isn’t weird or gross AT ALL. Socialism doomed us to this glittering palace of literal diamonds! Curse you, socialism!

There’s Arlene DEDUCING THE OBVIOUS again, like some kind WRETCHED WOMAN. Fly descends into the belly of the Tabernacle to claim his ultimate reward for saving the earth and completing his missionary service – a sex doll clone of Jill, which has been kept on ice for him for 200 years in a Sleeping Beauty coffin.

Don’t worry - a hologram version of Jill tells Fly the clone is a present! He clearly also wants to fuck the hologram! This is an OFFICIAL DOOM NOVEL!

They REALLY try to scoot past the statutory poem inscribed on Jill’s tomb with some nonsense about Arlene reuniting with Albert’s mind, but we won’t let them. We won’t let them. Jill dedicated her life to creating a waifu clone of herself for Fly and left it behind in a glass case while his boner festered for centuries. That’s how horny the authors are for this teenage girl. DOOM: Endgame is like the last Sunday school lesson you get before the teacher sends a text from your phone to create an alibi.

God, I hate this book.

Tom Reimann is the co-founder of Gamefully Unemployed, where he has been waiting 200 years for his cyberdemons to smooch. Check out their new show BADICAL, if you’re rad enough.

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