Fucking Day: The Air Supply Pregnant Bikini Contest (Patreon)

Im onstensibly a adult man out here, but I keep kinda twistin my enjoyments and distastes around a whole other person who should naught benamed (randy) over begrudgements which shall naught be listed (swimmin hole etiquet). As a maybe miss guided attempt to keep my identity and independents separate from a entity that is doin me wrong, I think we should take a gander at the link between the dulset balladous harmonies of australian super-duo Air Supply

and a pregnant bikini pageant in Salt Lake City in the 90s.

This paticular pageantry as you can see from the watermark there was documented on video by a outfit called Fluid Television which: we’ll never know how they decided upon that name when they started up in 1998.

But we know about them from when they made the movie about the Mormon Rap guy

and also some other fine documentary products:

Well thats a lil embarrassin i didnt think youtube was gonna tell on me about which ones of these i actually watched and yes i know what your wondering and no i did not see any non-white faces in the Utah breakdance battle video.

So I been saying “they” about Fluid Television but its actually just a “he” his name is Nyk Fry and he is a boston-borned but british-raised fella who found himself back in the US in the 90s and Utah specifically and was like “well this is a peculiar people indeed, I feel compelled to document and even make fun of a bit the stuff their gettin up to around here” and yeah, some of his work dident age real well, which: all I can say about that is probably Im fortunate I wasnt doin this hot-dog gig while swimmin in the waters of 90s ‘tude culture but also? Who knows how the people of the upcoming future times will judge me, when you think about it?

But anyway back to the pregnant bikini ladies contest:

I guess what I think is a bit of important contexts here is that I lived in the northern utah area around this time and well…it can get to be a bit much when you got a big homogenus group of religious folks around you believin theyre way is the righteous one and tellin you what to do all the time and yes it does end up in you wantin’ to just kick against those pricks sometimes and say: You know what? im NOT gonna do what you tell me, even if it aint in my best interests:

So you can maybe see if your livin in a place where theres just a whole lot of emphasis placed on havin babies early and often and whats wrong with you if your not ergo pregnant women are a kind of gods special angel we should be so reverent to them and the special power to bare children is why they dont need to be in any management positions and etc etc, well maybe we can understand how that’d get kinda sick and tiring and youd also want to kinda take the air outta that balloon but then the penduloum swings a bit too far and we end up with this:

Now maybe I should claritize a bit: am I sayin that pregnant beauty is somehow different or less worthy of appreciatin’ than any other type a human body aesthetical loveliness? No sir i enphatically am not, i myself happen to think a belly full of baby is pretty neat and I bet theres super pretty paintins an photographs an poems a skilled arts and craftisan could make about every one of those ladies walking across that stage. Ive said it before but i’m of the opinion that it might not be very good for our society that were in the habit of making statues of actual individuals, but in addition to robocop, the fertility form might be a allowable exception. So, no, its not the ladies im objection to or theyre willingness and enthusiasms for showin off this version of their bodies, its more like: do we trust the Rock 99 organizers of this pageant to do a good an respectful job of telling their story? You know, these guys:

Yes I know these fellas look like three different versions of the new guy at work who acts real friendly at first but you just know if he ever has to do any actual work he’ll either crash out or get fired about 3 weeks in but dont worry: to increase inter-rater reliability, they came up with a objective scoring rubrick for the Rock 99’s Pregnant Bikini Contest:

So thats very scientific and polite but Im not sure all the judges were bein serious about it

This is so weird to me. It’s like, fellas? Number one: look at yourselfs. And number two: you invited these ladies over and it seems like they’re cool and up for some goofin

So a good shared back and forth fun time chucklin WITH the ladies really was just right there for the sharin! I know its real fun to feel like your bein all subversive and upsetting the god-botherin hypocrites around you, but its kinda lookin like your just doing the same misogynies all over again.

There’s a bit of evidence that at least some of the DJs or whatever kinda realized this, you can see this guy sorta realize he maybe went too far

But then kinda learn shame in real time and backed off ever so slightly with a meek lil “jk” in a attempt to maybe maintain some sense of himself as a decent person:

Yeah I feel like Mick Martin is a pretty good illustration of my point here. Like many morning DJs he did a q&a on quora a few years back and I think it showed he has some frustration about livin in the midst of religious hegenomy:

But then maybe kinda let his hate twist him into becoming that which he had declared himself against. I wish I was better at bein subtle here but Ill just say it outright that: maybe if any of us here happen to be in a position of starin’ up at a big ol tidal wave of gilead maybe about to wash over us all that its important to keep in mind that the enemy of my enemy aint necessarily my friend.

But I ‘pologize for leavin the important narrative here I know your all pins and needles waitin to know who walked away with the grand prize:

Honestly not bad! More than I expected, in the year 2000 thats like a nintendo 64, a nice 32” sony to play it on and a little left over for some Pizza Cravers flavor Doritos besides, which I only wish I coulda had that to give to LaRene for a mother’s day. But I guess I dont know if its better or worse that there was two-and-a-half-payments-on-the-Taurus money at stake here and that all but one of the women went home without that. Huh.

Well anyway, our lucky mommy-to-be is…

Carrie Garner! Congratulations Carrie! This post-pageant interview is kinda a master class in a lady who has to play along with her words but is telling us with her whole face and voice and everything that she just wants to get the hell out of the conversation and remembering holy shit she cant even go get a drink after this but Nyk just keeps pushin the camera and the questions right there up into her face.

I don’t know either Carrie. Get yourself home and get those feet up. Man, if the lady who had the novelty check in hand still felt compelled to pretend this whole thing was fun, imagine if they interviewed all the ladies who had to walk around on stage in front of everybody there…

…and then had go back and put on their regular maternity clothes and go home with nothing.

Happy Mother’s Day!

“But wait a minute!” I hear you saying. “Sissyneck, wait! You teased and promised us both that there was a important Air Supply connection to this cursedness!”

Oh yeah the connection is that Air Supply was there:

Yeah, Air Supply, you know:

Air Supply theres-a-good-chance-your-mom-liked-their-tapes Air Supply. Air Supply was just there at the Rock 99 Pregnant Bikini Contest, sharin a mic and probly still nailin the harmonies and doin all the key changes and everything and really honestly appearin to enjoy themselves inmensely:

Just showing off their good improv skills with some razor-sharp banter back-and-fourth with Nyk:

Why was Air Supply in attendants? Why? At the Utah Pregnant Bikini Contest? WHY!? Folks i couldnt tell you. Maybe theres a lesson here about how fame fades or the soft rock ones are the ones you have to look out for the most or something but mostly it might be just a the-past-is-a-different-country or maybe a moves-in-mysterious-ways thing. Couldnt tell you.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Pee Wee's Uncle, who was kind enough to share his family videos with us. Your mom looked great in her bikini!

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