Learning Day: Law Enforcement Guide to Satanic Cults (Patreon)

Well somethin I realized recently is that: not only is the 1900HOTDOG body of knowledge very yummy and enjoyable entertainment, it is also actually also nutritious and perhaps even like a necessary vitamin and minerables. What I mean is that if you look through the archives of this place youll find that what has been assembled is a pretty comperhensive Employment and Career Services Guide. Specifically, All You Ever Wanted to Know About How to Enter and Succeed in the Lucrative Field of: Specialty Law-Enforcement Training and Consultation.

Probly any of you have read a karate or violence man article here already know what I mean by that: its the job where you get paid to teach cops about special dangers what you happen to be a expert about. Here look, like the fourth one down if you google “karate law enforcement consultant” is a perfect example:

Hell, that one looks like it’d honestly be pretty fun, like you get to be kind of a special travellin PE teacher with extra-fun gym equipment.

Now, I know I know, even with airsoft,I would also rather not ever have to engage in this type of job either. I’ll say its my sincere hope that we keep society goin good and stable enough for everybody to find work thats personally interestin and meaningful and doesent fuck anybody over and that we all get fair conpensation for the same. But sometimes it all gets more slippy and kinda rough and we got to get creative out here. So I’m sayin I guess if it comes down to it and we have to get our Coyote or Anansi on, well, maybe teasin and foolin some funds out of the police budget aint exactly honorable work, but maybe it aint the LEAST ethical option either.

So like I said theres already lots of good examples of this in the 1900HOTDOG presidential libary I invite you to puruse them at youre leisure, but a especially fine entry in the genre arrived to my attention via the tipline from intrepid hot-dog citizen Feminazghula, thankee for this tithe:

Ah, maybe you like me are also feelin becalmed and ensoothed just by that title screen. You may think you can already imagine and hear in your brain the musical accompaniment to such a image, but Im pretty confident you cant. Its like if somebody wrote a pretty decent jingle for a car dealership radio commercial on a casio, but then set the patch to something like INFERNAL BELLS and did it in tritones cause they read thats the devil’s interval.

Okay so you can already guess this video is more full of confident wrong than a all-dudes podcast, but lots of people smarter and not as lazy as me have done the real work of debunkin satanic panic stuff so were not really gonna engage here with the content on that level, suffice it to say that theres probly a lot of other society problems that should get more of our attention and concern than devil worshippers. No, for us today the value in this artifact lies in how this video real neatly provide a template for: So You Want to Make Money and Get Rich FAST Scaring Cops.

PART 1: CHOOSE YOUR SPECTRE OF FEAR

There you are, with your phone camera set up, ready to record, or standing up in front of a group of eager LEOs, wearin your garth brooks head-set microphone for extra dignity and credability. But now what are you gonna talk about? Well I probly dont need to say it direct, but just in case: you really really do not need to concern yourself with either acuracy or utility. Remember: in spite of whatever your invoice said, you are not here to provide education or skills trainin, you are here to entertain/titillate and confirm prior beliefs. That is to say: your audience is comin in with the mindset that theres good guys and bad guys, inmutably and intrinsicly, and that they are the good guys. And SPECIAL good guys, like the sheepdogs protecting the sheep against the wolves, they love that one so much:

Your success in this field will mostly depend on you just saying “Yep, that’s right, and thank you for that brave service” in different ways. So that gives you a kind of freedom when it comes to topic, you can pretty much just pick anything thats a little exotic or foreign or youthful or of color or queer and just start talkin about how its bad and dangerous. Have fun with it! Maybe do a little mix and match, like “The Scourge of Urban Anime Gangs” or “AI Medicaid Goon-Scammers”. Or keep it simple, like “Nunchucks” or “Disco”. Our video today shows us that you dont have to worry about actually explaining why its bad, like with logic or evidence, you just say its name and then show upsettin/provacative/rad-as-hell images:

A good tip from this video is to include nudity and sex because then the cops get to look at pornography together but with the real good excuse of “The righteous scholar must unfortunately sometimes descent into the lurid swamp of vile sickness to learn its ways.” This is a classic strategy, if you want to zhoozh it up a little you can add a slide of that one quote from Nietzche in like a cool font. Or tell your class: We all know about a wolf in sheep’s clothing but what is less talked about is sometimes when a sheepdog has to dress up like a wolf. And all the cops will remember the sacrifice Leo DeCaprio made in The Departed and take there hats off.

Our video offers a strong innovation on this concept by including a sequence of pointing out satanic symbols on the body of a pretty bikini lady.

It is uncomfortable to watch, this oddly-shirted man hoverin his hand over such exposed and vulnerable beauty…

So close, so steady. Whisperin stern reminders to himself, perhaps in mother’s voice, that contact with the flesh is forbidden, mustn’t touch!

Well i feel like a creep just typing it out. The model’s name is Joie Brinsfield, one wonders how she got roped into such a gig:

Ah ok, they just lied to her. Okay back to provokin a fear response: the next step is just: list bad things. Here’s a list the video tells us are some things Satanists might get up to that “might even seem innocent at first”:

That last one is a big word the video explains it means “having sex with dead people.”

Again, do not waste time or energy developin causal relationships between your subject and the bad things, just throw up a big enough list so that if maybe one cop does question you, you can say “Well Im sorry but I will never apologize for being anti-black-market-baby-selling.” and look at the sergeant or whoever like “Sheez, looks like they’re just taking anybody as recruits nowadays, huh?” and there’s a good chance he and the skeptic’s peers will provide appropriate corrective locker-room pressure.

A few additional tips about messaging is: 1) tone and annunciation is much more important than grammer or coherentsy. Just practice talking like a newscaster and you can say things like:

and its fine. 2) is suffixes, very important to switch up the typical vocabulary to cement a perception of you as a expert. Obviously “satanic” can always get upgraded to “satanical”, while “Pharmaceuticals” can become “Pharmacaea”. Don’t say “numbing agent”, say “Numbnent”. Why say “negative” when you can say “negativistical”? Remember, we’re not tryin to actually communicate here, we’re closer to like a economics academic: speaking is a means of establishing authoritational status, pedagological dominance, and provokin intra-psychiatrical insecurities in the listener.

And then finally is 3) develop a tone of distaste for whenever your talking about the rule of law. This video is great at that, the presenter sounds like he wants to spit whenever he has to acknowledge that even non-christian perverts have freedom of speech or worship and honestly gets absolute VENOMUS in the parts about the constitution limiting him to only arresting people who have broken the law.

PART II: ASSEMBLE YOUR CREW

Okay, we’ve aluded to our main guy in this video who you’ll probably want to emulate, hell maybe just call him The Hero, a kinda a humble guy who sadly has learned about the extent of evil in the world and has selflessly taken upon himself the mantle of collecting a modest fee for doing continuing education about it. Payment up front.

Now maybe if you also happen to have a comparable dual-background (eg, 2nd Amendment Warrior/Essential Oil Healer), and a fine selection of sensible sweaters, you could be all good on staffing. Goin solo mission has the benefit of: you dont have to worry about any confederates who are either too skeptical or too true believer, both of which are annoyin in their own way. And also you get to keep the whole check. But this video I think makes both a compellin case for the benefits of taking on a pard or two AND the personnel characteristics you might want to keep in mind when expandin your roster. Also some good wardrobe/dress-up considerations for each. Consider these options:

THE BODY/FACE

Previously discussed, but I neglected to mention make sure you ask if she’s good with you drawin and touchin on her feet or if thats extra.

Wardrobe: modesty tarp and then cute bikini.

THE YOUTH CONNECTION

Look at the fresh face of this P.O. He is a expert at the kind of high-syllable-count, low-information style of talking we discussed earlier.

By keep your mind open he means black magic and satanic ritual should be first on your list when considerin hypotheses for a why a child is defiant or grumpy.

Wardrobe: professional utilitarian windbreaker on the outside to show your a operator, but when its time to get down verbally with the youth, Kelly can unzip that collar and let those Elton John purples and blues just SING.

THE CONVERT

This is a very powerful member of your team, a person who used to be all dark-sided and imbedded in evil groups but has since seen the light and changed their ways. We can look back to Paul/Saul as maybe the earliest example of someone whose redemption arc made them impenetreble to criticism, but this video has someone just as good:

Yes Eric here was a “prior” haha deacon of the foul but dont worry the video tells us that hes since converted to Christianity even though his hair looks like its maybe still thinking about it. Heres a good write-up of his whole deal if you want to know more about him. Eric does a great job; he takes us into a park which just happens to have a bunch of satan marks freshly painted for him to explain to us:

If your sayin that looks familiar, your right thats the park from the Full House intro. Which maybe it looked very holesome when you watched Bob Saget kissin a Olsen twin there at the very start of another magical evening of ABCs 1991 TGIF lineup, but Eric says that’s where they were sacrificin babies pretty much every night for a while there. And he would know, he was there. But that ain’t him no more, he accepted the Lord Jesus into his heart and is now dedicated to showin cops which beads and candles and state-fair knives means theres devilry afoot in their own towns:

Turns out most of those latino market saint candles are devil ones actually.

Wardrobe: If you dont have any scary tattoos or scars or piercings to prove up your bona fides, the a all-black all-the-time ensemble will provide the appropriate air of: a Edgelord Reformed.

PART III: SECURE A DISTRIBUTOR/PUBLISHER/BACKUP MARK

This part is very very important. First off you do not want to have to be puttin up your own money to fund this endeavor because of how its expensive to do that. Ideally you want a outside investor not only to seed your startup costs and such, but also its good if you dont actually have to do any work in a ongoing way to secure income, like its best to get a kinda true-believer patron who will keep payin for sweaters and trips to san francisco and bikini models to make more videos, irregardless of whether or not anybody is actually buyin em. This is where this video secretly shines in my opinion because the very first frame gives us a important clue about how to find such a benafactor:

Well, it was a actual journalist person named Herman Leon who did the legwork on tracking this one down, that address points us to a guy named Lenny Magill who ran a gun store in San Diego and made LOTS of his own gun videos and is actually still at it:

And from Lenny we learn maybe the single most important element you could ever want in lookin for someone to give you money to make elementary school assemblies but for cops which is: a desperate and unquenchable thirst for male approval. But how can you tell if this is the case? Well, if your very lucky, your patron candidates will have made a video for their own 60th birthday showcasin their bottomless hunger:

And many mooooooooooooore! Well that was fun, I could probly sit here and make lenny gifs all day and be happy, but I guess you got the point by now. Find you a Lenny and theres a good chance you’ll be on easy street.

We got time for just one question I see a hand up there in the back, I’ll restate the question so all can hear “What if we secure a Lenny to fund our operation of sellin trainings to keep Cops safe from evil but it turns out he’s misusin’ public funds to sell illegal ghost guns what even police unions say ‘hey wait a minute cop killers love those, maybe thats too much right to bear arms’?”

Well id say that sounds like a California problem and, as the poet said, that’s why I reside in Tennesee haha! I don’t really but you know what I mean. Anyway, if your gonna get bothered bout a lil thing like gettin in bed with a guy what does teeny-weeny pecadillos such as helpin people get around background checks to buy untraceable guns? Well maybe you don’t got what it takes to make it in the law-enforcement-consultation business after all. Pretty disappointin’. Maybe attend our next 1900HOTDOG career day on Puppets + Clowns + Jesus = $$$ For You, in the name of Jesus Christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: TatersTales, who woulda preferred they spent more time drawin on the armpits but beggars cant be choosers

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