Learning Day: Deliverance Of The Feet (Patreon)

Some weeks it’s really difficult to find something I want to discuss for over a thousand whole words, and some weeks I stumble across Deliverance Of The Feet: The Mystery Of Feet Washing by Olusegun Festus Remilekun. Obviously, I need to know everything about this book, the author, and the person who gave him that name.

Starting off strong with some research on the good pastor Olusegun Festus Remilekun, who goes by pastor Fessy; identifying the most with the Festus part of his name is a big choice. If my middle name were Festus, no one would ever know. I could be Lydia Festus Bugg right now. Here is a photo of the pastor casting a very strange shadow onto his lovely real home in Lagos, Nigeria.

Remilekun is part of the thriving community of Christian influencers. They try to sneak Jesus into everything like he’s broccoli, and the scrolling public is children who thought they were getting regular mac and cheese, not this bullshit. He’s got about 5,000 followers on Facebook and 90 on YouTube, even though some of his YouTube videos are pretty radical.

He’s also been a prolific Amazon author since around 2019, when he started his Morning Showers series. The man is a master of the perversest sounding books of prayers on the market. Maybe the hope is that someone will be googling people showering and stumble upon this shower of prayers instead and change their wicked ways?

Or, maybe they’ll be searching for feet pics and be enticed by Deliverance Of The Feet, thinking they’ll get some good photos of holy footwashing. Ha ha loser, you’ve been tricked, it’s just more prayers, non-sexy foot prayers. The worst prayers of all. Why is the book called Deliverance Of The Feet? I think mostly to fit in with the rest of the Deliverance book series, which includes Deliverance Of The Heart, Deliverance From The Spirit Of Destructive Anger, and my personal favorite, Deliverance From Family Problem.

I guess the problem the family on the cover has is that the Dad keeps making them build pyramids? The cover picture is as far removed from what I would expect from a book about family as the contents of Deliverance Of The Feet is from what I expect from its cover. Although it starts off strong with a dedication to Pastor Remilekun’s three children, Success, Favor, and Gold, all named after stuff Jesus famously loved and said was super important.

Then he compares being religious to a “life sentence in the prisons of the lord.” Haul me in, Jesus prison. I’m a believer. Will there be a lot of foot stuff there? The cover would seem to indicate this prison has foot stuff.

We then get into an explanation of why foot washing is good for your feet, and why they are so important to God. Your feet will establish dominion over your enemies, you see. Don’t want to step on those bad boys with dirty tootsies, I guess. Oh God, why did I pick the religious book for foot perverts this week? Lord, please deliver me from these foot jokes.

So, the idea presented at the top of the book is that God gave man dominion over the earth, but we lost that when Adam disobeyed God, and the only way to get it back is via the foot. I’m not sure how the author determined that. He calls foot washing a “mysterious exercise” and says that, since Jesus did it, it must work. If you have any other questions, he will just repeat the word dominion a lot.

The Bible does talk about feet way more than I ever noticed, and those foot quotes are collected and published here. I don’t think he only chose the horniest foot quotes, but I have to say, some of the foot quotes do seem kind of horny. I don’t want to side-eye the writers of the Bible, but I am.

How into feet was God? Pretty into feet, according to Pastor Fessy, and he’s done the scholarly footwork to back up his claims.

Maybe it’s just because there were a limited amount of things you could talk about when Jesus was around. If he’s already discussed rocks, dirt, and taxes, feet are just kind of the only remaining thing. I’m willing to give God the benefit of the doubt in a way this book doesn’t, is what I’m saying, because according to this book, God was way into feet.

Who is keeping feet? Where are the feet being kept? This is the kind of Bible quote that really shouldn’t be taken out of context. I have a lot of questions, but mainly, if feet are so important, what can we do to tap into our biblical foot powers and conquer our enemies? Well, the book suggests a series of prayer points to hit that specifically mention feet.

Do you think Satan is hiring evil contractors instead of doing the work in-house? Never mind, Satan clearly invented the gig economy. The contractors on Satan's app are probably sick of seeing all these foot jobs pop up. Luckily, you can just pray away the foot demon. Unless, of course, the demon is giving evil instructions to your feet directly. That’s a lot harder to reckon with.

If you’re feeling skeptical about the benefits of feet washing, don’t! Pastor Fessy has provided several testimonials of foot washing really working for people in his church that range from the mundane story of a woman fighting a mystery illness that was cured by a foot bath, to the tale of a woman dominating her wayward husband with her feet to convince him to return home to her. Oh, of course that’s the one you want to hear. Trigger warning: a surprising amount of animals die in the following testimonials for foot washing, like way more than you could ever guess.

For reasons she could not actually understand, Sister Doris’s husband walked out on her and her children one day. Her friend took her to consult with witch doctors and masseurs. Either masseurs do something different in Nigeria, or this is a translation issue. Anyway, Doris ended up sacrificing sixteen goats, three rams, thirty-three cocks, three pussy cats, ten rabbits, roast corn, cowries, and more, and still no husband. Then she met Pastor Fessy.

Killed a full farm and dominated that loser with her feet. He’d better not leave that queen again. So, as you can see, feet are magic. You basically can’t argue with that unless you somehow have an even crazier animal murder story in support of foot magic. Wait, I do!

Sister Caroline’s only son broke the leg of her neighbor's chicken. The neighbor demanded that Sister Caroline pay for the chicken, but she couldn’t because her husband had recently left her and her son. The neighbor threatened to kill her son with a machete if she didn’t pay up. Sister Caroline washed her son's feet and left to try to scrape together the money. Here’s the happy ending:

What an uplifting story. Look out, Chicken Soup For The Soul, Deliverance Of The Feet is coming for you. I don’t know what I expected to find in this book, but what I didn’t expect was violent stories of retribution and animal murder. You know, after doing this for a while, you think you can’t be too surprised anymore, and then they hit you with a machete murder in a bible book. There were way fewer foot pictures in this book than I anticipated and way more animal slaughter. I guess that evens out? You know what, I kind of wish I knew less about foot washing.

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