Learning Day: E3 (Not That One) (Patreon)

Folks have you seen these prices out here? I bought a snickers the other day and it cost so much that, in a act extremely out of character for me, I saved half for the next day like some kinda Great depression or The Blitz character from history. Don’t tell Maverik, but I started driving out to the rez gas stations just outta feeling like i need to make my dollar go farther.

But even with drastic cost-cuttin measures like these in place sometimes you still get hit with: uh oh there’s sceptic coming up in the yard and you gotta call Rick out to backhoe it up to put a new pipe in and even though hes nice to talk to on account of how hes so proud of how his grand-daughter is going to state for wrestlin and he says just pay me as you can until we’re square, well hell that’s still another monthly expents to worry about it! and a body can only take on so many side gigs and odd jobs and what not before it starts feelin like: damn aint it ever gonna get any easier? And you know what it, feels funny that fox news aint spending time on gas prices so much any more and huh, maybe some of these folks ‘talkin bout tax the rich are onto something, fulla-shit virtue signallers tho they may be. Its got me thinkin bout reading up on history or on other countries to see if theres anything could be done about this mess, but wait what’s this in the self-help section of the friends of the library book sale?

Well never mind about those other books! No offence, but if I got two books and one is about challengin my beliefs and making me work to understand the complexity of the world and the other one is sayin not only am I already right about everything, but also I just get whatever I want with no work? well sorry History of the Intercontinental Railroad, I’ll catch you next time. Lookit this tantalizin promise of a new job of just magickin’ and miraclizin’! That sounds like probly a lot less paperwork than anything I could get here at the plant. And its arrival, so perfectly timed to my moment of need, as if gifted by a kindly god, like the stories in my bible!

Yes exactly, thank you Shadrach. Well lets dig in to your book here, Pam Grout, we’ll overlook that your name sounds like a specialty product for makin your bathroom tile non-stick, and see what you have to teach us, let’s get started!

Hm well i have to say me and my brain we didnt really like this as a opening. We got a quote from a show i never saw, (we’re not really a CBS family), and then another quote from a book where the author lady said Jesus told her everything to write down (until it came time to get the copyright sorted and then she was like oh yeah actually it was me that wrote it and also it turns out the CIA probly funded it), and then some cute knick-names for God like if he was your physics teacher you felt comfortable teasin a bit, and then the wrong kind of footnote for a footnote with a lil name-drop:

Which I been to enough backyard bbq ambushes to know that “new friend” in this case means someone who is lookin to expand there MLM downline. I think Im onto you Colette, let’s take a look at that DreamQuest Platinum Mastermind program:

Well no I am not, I aint even able to uncomfortably make that kinda investment, didnt I just tell you about having to get a new sceptic pipe!? It is nice new PVC tho, Rick showed me the old pipe was made out of this stuff they used during the war when they couldent get any metal, it was called “Orangeburg” it was basically asbestos and tar paper it did its job ok but this new one should last about 500 years Rick says.

Anyway, Pam, I gotta say this doesn’t seem like a great start. But you know what, maybe thats me thinkin with my self-imposed poverty mindset-cage and failin to see the abundants available right here for the pluckin, let me re-open my mind to the possibilities of the FP. Next page:

Pam. C’mon now. Im startin to think that your not takin my financial realities seriously and that this whole thing is just a bored rich white lady writing stuff for other bored rich white ladies. Can we get to the part about I’m rich enough to afford DreamQuest getaways please?

Haha, okay, obviously Pams just jokin here-

Oh jeez, she means it. Well honestly i dont much appreciate bein talked to like that by someone who I just met. ‘Round here Pam we know you got to build relationship-trust up before you start the keister talk. Now I got this book used and who knows how many folks had it before it got to me, so its honestly kinda inspirin to me to think of the group of us, earnest searchers all, separated tho we may be in time and space, standing side by side in steadfast refusal to take part in silly shit like this. May this page remain intacked for ever and always.

This got me wonderin if this is Pams first book? Where shes kinda self-indulgin in gettin all the cute ideas she’s ‘cumulated through the years out there for the first time?

Well no it looks like she’s got quite a few out there, including 2 on Kansas and 1 on Colorado (which is the correct ratio actually, those Denver folks can get real uppity about the whole mile-high thing) and then oh I thought this book was called E3 because its the third one, but it looks like its because its a sequel to E-squared which:

…itself was firstly called God Doesn’t Have Bad Hair Days and somehow no-one cared about it, but then she resubmitted it with a new title which, I didn’t know you were allowed to do that. Maybe I’ll just do a little search/replace “Thomas Magnum” with “Jack Reacher” on my Oahu Sunset Murders story cycle and see if NOW its good enough for those hard-asses over at AO3.

Anyway I feel like Im getting distracted over here and also I feel like thats mostly Pam’s fault for doin the writin equivalent of like lightin candles and dancin around in scarves and beads instead of gettin the burgers on the buns, which is in this case as youll recall: Money Please.

Hell yeah thats more like it! I mean six teslas sounds a lil accessive, but maybe Rick would take one in lieu of cash.

Wait the miracle was just that a lady saw six teslas getting hauled somewhere? Thats not gonna get me very far, can we get another example please?

Okay, warmer, warmer…as a person who has sweated and squeezed into closing on a older home only to have interest rates go down the very next day, I would appreciate if the universe sent me some train spirit-guides to improve my timing. Let’s see what else Pam has on offer this evenin:

WARMER!! Incomperhencible innerpersonal dynamics, but warmer!

Wait tho, what was that bit at the bottom?

Huh, Carlos is a warlock guy that showed up in a earlier hot dog article, thats kinda a funny coincidence. Oh well, probly nothing, any other infinite-increase options on the prosperity menu here?

Well that first one sounded good for a second but I read enough Dennard articles to know that the cost to my soul of doing uk reality tv dating will eat up that 20 grand real quick. Skynard fine, TV fine, Johanna fine, but nothin in here is like existents-alterin. And I love the ones Ive got but accruin more cousins aint exactly a path to havin MORE money in my experience, those family reunion raffle tickets arent free you know. Let’s keep looking:

Hm I’m making that face right now like maybe you make when your kid asks so if a queef is just a natural thing a healthy body does then its okay to say it at school? I dont want to come across as anti-papist, but maybe lets just say if you dont remember the circumstances that led to a payout from a catholic priest you knew a long time ago? Well maybe thats for the best actually. Let’s do one more good long pull on this mower cord:

Uh oh my face is startin to make that face again…

Well that’s just– Thats just not something that– You probly shouldent be telling daughters that–

Alot here. But I gotta keep a eye on both my word count and my sanity meter so we’re gonna call time on reviewing our windfall options here and go with the fun-afternoon-with-the-nice-man’s-credit-card prize-showcase! Pam, tell us what we got to do to GET! THAT! CARD!

The actionable concrete step you can take to make dreams come true is make magic wands out of metal coat hangers (content blocked in Norway Sweden and Finland). I actually know about these hanger wands: I am of a age and time and place such that I remember a well-witcher comin out to our high desert place when i was little and the coat hangers tellin him where we should dig our well. No joke there, that’s just what the 80s were like. Some of you might be wantin proof that wands work besides young sissyneck had sprinklers to run around in, well how ‘bout this for all you Downton Thomases:

Yes that’s right BIGFOOT, I thought that’d close your skepticle mouths.

Well some of you might still be strainin at gnats and saying well I dont know if seein a yeti tree sculpture in the Skymall counts as a Bigfoot Encounter, but to me, the open-minded and -hearted believer, this is surely our second Sign of the Hot Dog of the day: I’m not sure you could more perfectly craft a Sasquatch Theorem Proof for our hotdog readership than one that plays by Mountain Monster rules.

Now OBVIOUSLY I looked for Oklahoma Intuitive Leslie Draper’s youtube video about the wands but i guess the universe had other plans for me because what I found instead was a video about her doing a past-lives readin on Okie Sutton here:

If your thinkin Okie doesn’t look super thrilled about getting cold-read, I think your right: he says as much in the only language he knows non-psychical humans will understand:

Wonderful. This is the kinda thing makes me feel like maybe I already have the gift of manifestin magic and miracles. Before he was Okie, btw, Leslie says his past life was rescue dog (as in doin rescues, not bein rescued) and she said he said it was a short life because it was a dangerous life which, Jesus Christ lady. This is her video btw, this isnt someone else uploaded a funny local news clip to youtube. Leslie herself taped it off her tv with her phone and put it on her own youtube as a like a showcase of her good work.

Anyway, back to the wands, here I found a even better youtube example of a lady proofin to us that Pam’s sorcery is real, her name is Leslie Couch and she does a excellent job of showing how we can use magic wands in our own lives:

The wands close right up, see!? But now…

Amazing. Incontravertical proof if you ask me. But don’t wet your pants yet, Linda’s got a big finish for us:

By Balki’s Bangs, I didn’t know you could get them open that wide! And its not just you and me whose very impressed by this, look:

How satisfyin. I’m pretty much sold at this point, I’m ready to head out to the Kohl’s and see what kindly rich gentleman wants to lend me his card to get me new sweats. But Im realizing that we got just the Two Hot Dog Miracle Connections so far and I bet Pam would agree that the universe abhors the rule of three left unfulfilled. Here, I will open a random page in my copy of E3 with only a little bit of peeking to make sure I get a good one and let’s see what magic lies therein:

Now some of you might just be seein the superfitial miracle about how the universe provided 25 signed copies of a Lawrence Block book to put on ebay just when they were needed, but then when satan’s minions sniped all of those up, yea God did provide a even more special signed up copy from the author to his mom but when she died they made sure it got to a um, Australian publishing guy(?), so he could resale it, at a reasonable price I’m sure, to this ‘ticular Seeker. Praise be. But this is E-CUBED remember, we got another level of manifest excavation to dig on here. See: what you might not know is that once upon a time, almost 5 years ago now, there was a NOTHER young searcher who’s gateway to a writin’ avocation was ALSO opened up by a visitation from Lawrence Block (well his dirty-book-writin female altar-ego Jill Emerson, anyway).

Well if that aint the universe smilin up on me, I dont know what is In the Name of Jesus Christ Amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Devon the Rogue Supreme, who manifested this article by sending their thoughts into the quantum field and their money to us.

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