Fucking Day: Poxco Semen Blasters (Patreon)

Have you ever gone shopping for bull semen? Hi.

Back to what I was saying: during the neverending march of progress, a vast sperm marketing industry grew and they got real weird with it. Ejaculate shopping in 2026 is a slick, user-friendly experience where you can browse bulls by rad name, mood, and penis width. It's one of capitalism's funniest achievements. Ad copy will talk about the winning personality and confident strut of the animal they want to masturbate into a bag for you for $200. I started collecting all my favorite names and descriptions until I realized someone already had. Of course, I'm talking about the 1986 VCR board game, Poxco Semen Blasters®!

When it is your turn, you'll get one bull with three names. Two are fake! Can you shoot the beast's true name in time with the light gun? Poxco Semen Blasters® features all-real bull sire information on beautiful full-color playing cards, it's for ages 17 and up, the loser gets wet, and it comes with everything you see here!

Let's get started. Make sure your VHS player isn't hooked up to the municipal grid and hit play. Shoot the right stud, quick!

You were right! You're a natural semen blaster™! Please keep this Mr. Exponential Storm card for scoring purposes:

From his clean front to his big hips, Mr. Exponential Storm makes for a great last-minute artificial insemination decision. This is sort of what I was talking about when I said sperm marketing was weird. Some farmer asked a robot to talk up his bull's impregnation skills and it was like: you can't go wrong, sire selectors, with this fuckmaster's bold ribs– va va voom!

All this must seem so strange for someone who hasn't been browsing discount steer genetics all week. But otherwise, it's a good game, right? Unpausing… NOW.

With fertile, sperm-bursting aim you targeted Cow Power, and you were right!

Twenty five dollars!? No, listen. This world is incredible. For only $25.00, Cow Power's hand guy will send you a tube of his semen along with a certificate authenticating his style and charisma. That's barely more than the price of a burger taken from this bull phenom, and I'd say over twice as memorable. Next round! Get your light gun ready!

You were right! It was heifer sexed favorite, Lover Boy!

Lover Boy's DNA might cost $350, but it comes with a saga. Some sperm-touched soul sat down to write the sales pitch for this bull's genetics and thought, "Where do I start? From the beginning, I suppose. Ah, Lover Boy! The story of his semen is the story of America…" I never would have imagined this before we started playing this VCR game, but jerking off cows seems like a really fun and creatively fulfilling job. Fuck fuck, the tape is still going get ready!

Bullseye™! One of your forgotten, primal instincts sensed these ranchers called the bull they milk "Juice Box!"

There's no way I'm reading these stats correctly. Did someone try to sell me on this sperm by saying its previous owner had "heavily pigmented scrotal"? I dare someone to explain that to me without getting slapped. And did they say this crowd favorite has "Thirst Quenching Calving Ease"? Whatever this cow language is, I hope I never learn it well enough to find that not disgusti– oh! Get ready!

This won't be the first time I've said these words, but you were right to blast your Sperm Six-Shooter™ into Bon Jovi!

What happened here? This won't be the first time I've said these words either, but did Bon Jovi show up to picture day wearing 11 pounds of diarrhea? Maybe that's not all his fault; he's two years old and a cow. However, I do have some notes for the guy trying to sell us his DNA. I'm fine with you saying he's "really nice" and "has a lot to offer." Those are the kinds of empty, non-committal platitudes I'd expect for bull semen in the $25 to $35 range. But when the best picture you have of him is from the time he shit himself backwards, you can't call him "very clean." This copy should have said "Formerly known as Bon Jovi, Sammy Hagar is a somewhat kind-hearted bull trying his best to invent feces pants." I mean, come on, ma– shit! I forgot to pause it!

This doesn't seem right. His name is GGGE 3G Time Machine 758T ET? T-that's not a name for a cow.

What a strange mystery. GGGE 3G Time Machine 758T ET's $50 sperm is "Not available at this time!" Is he losing interest in the arm digging around his insides? And while I'm starting to realize Scrotal doesn't mean what I thought, 37.5 still seems like way too wrong a number for it. If you told me your Scrotal was 37.5, I'd say "Fuck you, you're a time machine, not a cow." But that'd be ridic– damn it, I forgot to pause again!

Another great shot, junior semen blaster™! Quantum Leap was the real stud name! Now that I think about it, though; why would you call a bull Quantum Leap? I mean, can you imagine if there was an episode of Quantum Leap where a time traveler jumped into a bull as it was being manually masturba–

No. No, absolutely not. Whoever you are in that cow, we are roasting bull semen ads, not doing some sci-fi thing. This isn't one of those articles where reality comes unraveled by a sperm paradox. We are doing a by-the-numbers Captain Power light gun thing. Now, where were w– shit! The game!

Oh, gross. It was Double Stuff? The farmers are allowed to do sex wordplay in their insemination cow names? I'm worried I won't be able to get through this. Not because it's gross. After Bon Jovi's headshot, I can deal with anything these cow balls can squirt at us. No, I'm worried because when Brockway and I started this site we agreed to a single, ironclad editorial standard: no semen article shall ever mention semen more than 68 times. And I think we're already in the forties.

They didn't even give poor Double Stuff stats, or a backstory. They were like, "he was born in 1993 and his jizz is fifteen bucks, take it or leave it." Bon Jovi had a better sales pitch, and if you remember, his was mostly diarrhea.

…

Those are all my notes for Double Stuff. For the first time in a long time, we have a little time to kill before the next round.

…

Break's over! Guns ready!

Ugh. They named the semen bull Salty Dog? Is there not a single regulation in this industry? You can just do this? And still walk free!?

Maybe I'm wrong about this, sound off in the comments if you massage bull prostates for a living, but "monster footed with loads of hair" is a fucking disgusting thing to call anything, right? That's how Sammy Hagar describes an IPA he made in his bathtub. I've never been so certain that someone at this semen ranch is drinking it. Oh, perfect! Right before I can form a third thought about Double Stuff, it's time for the next round!

There are no right answers here, but the 1986 VCR light gun technology somehow thinks you shot Nutt N Butt Business.

Nutt N Butt (disgusting) is gaining a lot of steam as the talk of the town! But his semen and the thick calves it sires (gross) can't be that great if it retails for $5. Is it still worth it to put on an arm-length glove and coax the sperm out of a bull for $5 a pop? On my best day that's barely $175 an hour. Next stud!

You were right! It was a classic Semen Blasters trick™! All three were real!

I know I'm new to this world of mail-order DNA, but Money Shot has got to be a cliche. There's no way that's not every animal masturbator's first name idea. It's got to be like finding out you're the 9th CDC researcher to try to name a viral wart "Rob Schneider." I like calling a cow "Batman," though. It's kind of perfectly wrong and stupid. But "Fetish" gives away the game. Only a pervert calls his bull Fetish and then takes a picture of him being watched by a circle of men. Unless all of this is the bull's fetish? In that case, good for that horny cow and his curious, visible penis. Is something wrong with the VCR? Shouldn't the next round have started, like, five sentences ago? Oh, here we go, thank god.

God damn it, I think the time machine guy is back.

Okay, great. Thanks, Finn. I guess we're doing your time travel thing. How am I supposed to save you? Point out that when these freak bull masturbators aren't naming their cattle things like "Gonad Butter" or "Lady Minotaur Barn-Geyser" all their names sound suspiciously like a lost traveler quantum leaping between their balls?

No! God damn it, Finn! That's sixty eight mentions of s̶͕̦̞̓̂e̸̖̓̇͘M̶̥̾ë̷̳̥̳́̕ń̷̻̘̂͊! By sacred Hot Dog Law you've trapped yourself! By unbreakable Hot Dog Law you have to live in those balls forever, Finn!

Thanks for playing, everyone!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, our home grown local stud that'll sell you as many straws of bull semen as you can stomach.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM